Worst Joke Ever 2024

[chickenslegs]

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to ThaiVisa members. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.

Edited June 29, 2019 by chickenslegs

[chickenslegs]

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and you have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

 

"Eight."

 

"Seven".

[chickenslegs]

An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled  “So where’s your igloo?”

The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

[chickenslegs]

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it will take that dirty smile off your face.!

[chickenslegs]

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crevasse. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
-
“Yeah!”
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“Are you hurt?”
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“No, not a scratch.”
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“Not a scratch? How come?!“
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“I’m not done falling yeeeeeeeeeeet!”

[chickenslegs]

Doctor to patient: "I have two pieces of bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimers."

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

"Oh my darling, drink makes you look so sexy." 
"But I haven't been drinking." 
"No, but I have." 
 

"My wife should be a goalie, she'd be the best," said one man to his friend. 
"Why's that?" 
"I haven't scored for months." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

"Mrs Smith, I have some very bad news for you, concerning your husband, We've had the tests back and it shows that he has only hours to live. I'm afraid he'll probably be dead by tomorrow morning." 
The poor woman goes home in a terrible state of shock but she is determined to make his last few hours the best he's ever had. That night, she suggests they go upstairs early and wearing her sexiest nightie, she lures him into bed and makes love to him like he's never experienced before. After 2 hours, they lay back exhausted and fall asleep. But half an hour later, the husband wakes up, nudges his wife and tells her it was so wonderful, can they do it again. Now this happens all night long until the poor wife hardly has the strength to move. As dawn breaks, he whispers yet again, 
"Just once more, darling, please," and in a sudden flash of anger she replies,

 

"It's alright for you. You don't have to get up in the morning." 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife's legs and fondled her. Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. 
"What are you doing that for?" asked her husband. 
"Well, after what you've just done, I thought you were keen for some sex." 
"Oh no, not at all," he replied. 
"Then why were you playing with my pussy?" 

"I couldn't turn the pages of my book," he said. 
 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school.

She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

The fly didn’t stand a chance. 

[chickenslegs]

I got a call from my elderly Mum ...

 

“This laptop you bought for me has stopped working. I’m just getting a black screen and all the letters are missing from the keyboard.”

 

“Mum”, I said “That’s your George Foreman grill!”

[ballpoint]

A biker was stopped at a red light in LA when god pulled up beside him on his Triumph.

"I've been watching you, Dave" says god.  "You're a good man, so I'm going to give you one wish".

Dave thinks for a bit and says "I really like going to Hawaii whenever I can, and I wish I could take my bike with me.  I'd like there to be a bridge from here to there, so I can ride across whenever I feel like it".

God looks a bit disappointed, and says "But think of all the resources that will use up.  All the steel and concrete, and cost to the environment.  Can't you think of something that will truly benefit all mankind, instead of just satisfying one of your desires?"

Suitably chastened, Dave says "You're right.  Okay, I wish that men could understand women more.  What they are thinking.  What they really want to hear when they ask a question.  What they really mean when they tell you something.  How to make them happy, and how to explain my own feelings to them without them getting all worked up".  

God looks at Dave.  "So, this bridge.  How many lanes would you like it to have?"

[ballpoint]

The flight was going well, until the pilot came out of the cockpit and asked if anyone had seen his landing eye dog.

[ballpoint]

[Andrew Dwyer]

I always suspected that reptiles and amphibians would “ jam “ with their homemade instruments when humans weren’t around !!

Remember you saw it here first !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

One for the “ trekkies “

You know who you are !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

A new range of contraception being launched in Japan !!

[ballpoint]

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Remember you saw it here first !!

I'm not taking a "leaf" out of your book but have a look at this hair raising cut above the rest;