Worst Joke Ever 2024

[tomazbodner]

[tomazbodner]

Actually given average age of TVF members, I would guess most will...

 

[Yellowtail]

35 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

You've certainly got the measure of him.

Yeah, give him an inch....

[sanuk711]

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[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

 

 

Now you know why I have such an inferiority complex!

[fangless]

A man was driving down a country lane when he spotted the most beautiful horse he’d ever seen, standing in the middle of a field. He slammed on his brakes and stopped to have a quick look. ‘I must buy that horse,’ he said to himself and immediately went in search of the owner. Arriving at a nearby farmhouse, he knocked on the door. 
 ‘Are you the owner of that magnificent animal in the field back there?’ he asked. 
 ‘Yes,’ replied the farmer. 
 ‘Then I simply must buy him from you.’ 
 ‘I can’t sell him,’ said the farmer. ‘He doesn’t look so good.’ 
 ‘What do you mean? He’s the most beautiful horse I’ve seen in my life.’ ‘Well, OK,’ conceded the farmer, ‘if you insist. Does a thousand dollars sound reasonable to you?’ 
 ‘Absolutely,’ said the man, and he took the horse home on a trailer. 
 A few days later, the farmer heard another knock on his door. It was the man with the horse. ‘You ripped me off!’ yelled the man. ‘That horse is as blind as a bat!’ 
 ‘I tried to warn you,’ answered the farmer.

 

‘I told you he doesn’t look so good.’ 
 

[fangless]

A bar was so convinced that its bartender was the strongest man in the town that the owner offered a $1,000 bet that nobody could match his strength. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze out another drop would win the money. 
 Dozens tried and failed. Lumberjacks, professional sportsmen, builders, farmers: all were unable to squeeze another drop out of the lemon. Then a skinny little man said he would like a go. The large crowd that had gathered roared with laughter at the prospect of this weedy fellow succeeding where the toughest guys in town had failed. But their jeers turned to cheers when he did indeed manage to squeeze one last drop out of the lemon. 
 The stunned bartender said: ‘What the hell do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack or a weightlifter?’ 
 ‘No,’ replied the little man,

 

 

‘I’m a tax inspector.’ 

[fangless]

Did you hear about the x-ray specialist who married one of his patients?

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Everybody wondered what he saw in her. 
 

[fangless]

Two cows were talking in a field one day. 
The first cow said: ‘Have you heard the one about the Mad Cow Disease that’s going around?’ 
The second cow said: ‘Yeah, makes you glad you’re a penguin, doesn’t it?’ 
 

[fangless]

What do you get when you cross:- A baby with soldiers?

- Infantry!

[fangless]

Chat-up Line:-  • Was your father an alien, because there’s nothing else like you on this earth? 
 

[fangless]

 A Parents’ Dictionary: 
 AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has given birth to have sex again. 
 BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 a.m. too. 
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. 
 DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mum can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting. 
 DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge. 
 EAR: A place where kids store dirt. 
 EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them. 
 FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to stop you falling into financial disaster. 
 FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate strained carrots. 
 GRANDPARENTS: People who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right. 
 HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a rude word. 
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid. 
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. 
 PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. 
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms. 
 PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes. 
 SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. 
 STERILISE: What you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it and to your last baby’s dummy by blowing on it. 
 TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as not to upset the children. 
 THUNDERSTORM: A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed. 
 TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When a baby’s face turns red and he or she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. 
 WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have exhausted you. 
WHOOPS: Get a sponge! 

[Yellowtail]

25 minutes ago, fangless said:

Chat-up Line:-  • Was your father an alien, because there’s nothing else like you on this earth? 
 

 

Gawd-dog mamma, I'd more with that than a monkey do with a peanut!

[ballpoint]

57 minutes ago, fangless said:

Personally, I'd drink the wine, but whatever gets you going.

[ballpoint]

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, when she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least!" I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled. "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!

[ballpoint]

An Irish builder employed a young apprentice. His first job was to nail weatherboards onto a shed. The builder showed him how to align, support and nail the board, then turned away to start another job. A half hour later, he returned to see how the apprentice was doing.

Some progress had been made but the builder watched as the young man reached into his nail bag, drew out a nail, threw it over his shoulder, reached in again and drove the next nail. This happened a number of times. The builder, bemused, approached the apprentice.

“What are you doing, throwing away perfectly good nails like that?” he asked.

“Some of them are no good, you see. They have the points on the wrong end,” came the reply.

“No, no, NO, lad! You keep them for the other side of the building!”

[ballpoint]

I was out fishing yesterday when I heard a soft voice saying "Kiss me, then I will turn into your faithful mistress"
I looked down and saw a little frog,
I said "Was that you speaking"?
The little frog said "Yes, kiss me and I will turn into your faithful mistress"
So I picked the little frog up and placed it in an empty bait box.
When I got home, the missus was out, so I opened the bait box and the little frog said "Are you going to kiss me now so I can turn into your faithful mistress"?
I said "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog

[ballpoint]

It used to be said that an infinite number of monkeys banging on an infinite number of typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
Now, thanks to social media, we know this is not true.

[ballpoint]

A 16 year old told her dad she was pregnant; he was furious and demanded to know who the father was. She informed him it was a one night stand with a 60 year old. On hearing the guy’s age her father went into a real rage. She then said the would be father was coming round to speak to him the next day.

When they met the 60 year old explained his position. He would gift the daughter a £1 million property, on the birth day of the child he would hand over £2 million to the mother. He then said he was unsure as to what he could do if there was a miscarriage and there was no child.

"Well", said the girl's father, "you’ll just have to <deleted> her again".

[ballpoint]

Robin; "Batman, I'm bisexual"

Batman; "That's nothing, one of our enemies identifies as a Penguin"