Worst Joke Ever 2025

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Did you hear about the Advent calendar that passed away?

Its days were numbered.

 

What do you call an elf that lives in Beverly Hills?

Welfy.

What is the one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning?

Their husband.
 

[scottiejohn]

[ballpoint]

Aer Lingus flight coming in on final approach:

Pilot: "Ah, <deleted>. I really don't know about this one, Paddy. That runway looks awful <deleted>' short."

Co-pilot: "Sure it does, to be sure, Captain - but look how <deleted>' wide it is!"
 

[ballpoint]

PC gone mad.

 

The common cormorant, or <deleted>

Lays eggs inside a paper bag

 

Yep.  Can't even say the name of a certain diving bird on here any more.  And, as seen in my previous post, can't say Father Jack's favourite expletive either.  

 

 

[ballpoint]

[Seth1a2a]

When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why bargirls used to call me handsome.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. When I walked off with her cardboard box she seemed to be really upset for some reason.

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.
So I punched him in the stomach and stole his lunch money.

Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: For the love of god ,Please hurry .....The fat one is winning! .

After a year of being really ill and having multiple hospital trips the doctor finally gave me some good news. I’m going to have a disease named after me.

Last night a thief broke into my house and started looking for money so i woke up and joined him.








.

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[Isaanbiker]

Even when it might look like a coffee shop in A-dam, it's right in the middle of the local hospital. 

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

8 hours ago, ballpoint said:

PC gone mad.

 

The common cormorant, or <deleted>

Lays eggs inside a paper bag

 

Yep.  Can't even say the name of a certain diving bird on here any more.  And, as seen in my previous post, can't say Father Jack's favourite expletive either.  

 

 

I don't understand your problem, Phalacrocorax Aristotelis is perfectly acceptable here.

 

And you have to pronounce Father Jack's ejaculation with an Irish accent - "fairrk".

[WorriedNoodle]

[ballpoint]

10 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I don't understand your problem, Phalacrocorax Aristotelis is perfectly acceptable here.

 

And you have to pronounce Father Jack's ejaculation with an Irish accent - "fairrk".

Careful what you write.  They keep adding to the naughty word list.  You could say Phalacrocorax Aristotelis on here up to a few months ago, but no more.  Next time you write fairrk it will no doubt be <deleted>.

 

I suppose nothing is new though.  As Monty Python sung:

 

I bet you they won't play this song on the radio
I bet you they won't play this new (bleep) song
It's not that it's (buzzer) or (horn) controversial
Just that the (bell)-ing words are awfully strong

You can't say (klaxon) on the radio
Or (whip crack), or (arrow thud), or (croak)
You can't even say I'd like to (vibraphone) you someday
Unless you're a doctor with a very large (doing)

So I bet you they won't play this song on the radio
I bet you they daren't (needle scratch)-ing well program it
I bet you those (register chime)-ing old program directors
Will think it's a load of horse (fart)

 

 

I'm surprised that fart made it.

 

 

 

[chickenslegs]

19 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I'm surprised that fart made it.

If they banned 'fart'. They would also have to ban 'trump', and that would reduce TVF clicks by 50%.

[scottiejohn]

5 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

If they banned 'fart'. They would also have to ban 'trump', and that would reduce TVF clicks by 50%.

Just by 50%?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Pompous customer to waiter;
I will have a G&T.  Maybe I should explain what that is!  It is a shortened form of communication which busy high flying executives and professionals such as I use to save time and means a Gin and Tonic.

Will that be with Ice & a Slice?  FYI, sorry I should have said, for your information, that’s a shortened form of communication which busy waiters use so they can serve more understanding and deserving customers! 

Will that be with Ice & a Slice? FYI that means a block of frozen water with a wafer of fruit in case your so thick you don’t understand!

Enjoy!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

My uncle has  just said that he has left me a stately home in his will. I've no idea where Sod Hall is but I'm thrilled.

(for non Brits Sod all means nothing!)

 

So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on the T.V.
Apparently it s unacceptable in bowling.

 

At my age rolling out of bed in the morning is easy.
Getting up off the floor again is another story!

[scottiejohn]

[bluesofa]

1 minute ago, scottiejohn said:

My uncle has  just said that he has left me a stately home in his will. I've no idea where Sod Hall is but I'm thrilled.

(for non Brits Sod all means nothing!)

He must have been a turf accountant.

[scottiejohn]

1 minute ago, bluesofa said:

He must have been a turf accountant.

I'll grass on you, you can bet on it!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him 
"Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.
 

[scottiejohn]

[bluesofa]

2 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him 
"Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.

Then Paddy added, "Anyway, I don't want shampoo, I want realpoo."

[scottiejohn]

4 minutes ago, bluesofa said:

Then Paddy added, "Anyway, I don't want shampoo, I want realpoo."

So I told him to bend down real low and sh** on his head!

He then complained that the shower seemed to be a right dump!

[ballpoint]

5 minutes ago, bluesofa said:

Then Paddy added, "Anyway, I don't want shampoo, I want realpoo."

So Murphy threw a shamrock at him.