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Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.

 

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Christmas morning arrives, and they were all on the golf course.

 

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".

 

Number 2 guy says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

 

Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

 

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. 

"I can't believe you all went to such an expense for this golf game.

I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said: ‘Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf’, and she said, 'Take a sweater' ".

A boy asked his Mum, ‘Is it wrong to have a willy?’
‘No. Why?’ she replies. 

‘Well, Dad’s sweating like hell trying to pull his off!’

A young man, kind of a slow learner, had started to work on a farm. The boss sent him to an outside field to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late for supper. The boss gets on the mobile to check if he’s all right. 
‘I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck here. I’ve hit a pig!’ said the young man. ‘Ah well, these things happen sometimes,’ the boss says. ‘Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark.’ 
‘But he’s not dead, boss. He’s gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I’ve tried to untangle him, but he’s kicking and squealing right a real pig, and he’s real big boss. I’m afraid he’s gonna hurt me if I get too close!’ 
‘Never mind,’ says the boss. ‘There’s a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home.’ 
‘Okay, boss,’ said the young man. Another half an hour goes by, but there’s still not a peep from the kid. The boss gets back on the mobile. ‘What’s the problem now, son?’
‘Well, I did what you said boss, but I’m still stuck,’ replied the young man. 
‘What’s up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?’ asked the boss. 
The young man replied, 

‘Yeah boss, but the bloody pig's police motorcycle is still jammed under the truck’s front wheels.’
 

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a Satan. The demon asked, ‘Why so glum?’ The guy responded, ‘What do you think? I’m in hell!’ ‘Hell’s not so bad,’ the demon said. ‘We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?’ 
‘Sure,’ the man said, ‘I love to drink.’ ‘Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet the lot We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!’ 
The guy is astounded. ‘Damn, that sounds great.’ 
‘You a smoker?’ the demon asked. ‘You better believe it!’ 
‘You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?’ 
The demon continued. ‘I bet you like to gamble.’ 
‘Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.’ ‘Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow’. You into drugs?’ The guy said, ‘Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don’t mean…?’ ‘That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!’
‘Wow,’ the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, ‘I never realised Hell was such a cool place!’ 
The demon said, ‘You gay?’ 
‘No,’ came the reply. 

 

‘Ooooh, then you’re gonna hate the weekend!’

Some one-liners from Peter Kaye ...

 

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food in here.

 

So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought, That’s all I need – a Je-hoover’s witness.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, ‘Shh!'

 

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

 

My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

 

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.'

Boy: "Dad, I've been wondering - why is my sister called Rose?"

 

Father: "Because your mother likes roses".

 

Boy: "Okay, thanks Dad, that explains it".

 

Father: "No problem Dick".

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter appears alongside, flying at mach 2.

 

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take a look at what I can do!”

 

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

 

The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look at what I can do!"

 

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

 

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

 

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the plane to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake, chatted up one of the stewardesses and made an appointment with her for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by our employer."

 

 

2 hours ago, riceyummm said:

I suppose the all got very incensed about it even if it was only a flash in the pan.

I wonder if it weeded out the Nuns with similar bad habits as you know there is no smoke without fire (and brimstone).

THE NEW ARRIVAL
The new father to be  rushed into the maternity wing to find out how his wife was progressing. As he entered the waiting room, he spotted a chap in a white coat who he  thought was her doctor but was in fact a cricket mad student who was waiting for the real doctor. Unbeknown to the expectant father, he was listening to the latest test match on his iPhone. 
"How's it going?" he asked anxiously. 
"Not bad," The porter smiled, "they've got eight out already and there's only a few more to go until they get them all out." 
"Aaah," The father to be screamed, and fainted. 
 

Edited December 17, 20187 yr by scottiejohn

The little girl's mother was entertaining her next door neighbour when her little daughter walked in. 
"Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?" she asked. 
"No I'm not, why do you ask?" said the puzzled neighbour. 

"Mum says if there's any dirt about you'll dig it up." 
 

It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy's mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. 
When he got back inside his mother was furious. 
"How dare you!" she fumed. 
"For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs." 
Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said,

 

"Are you going to tell him or shall I?"