A deaf old lady walks into her local fishmongers and asks for a piece of cod

"Sorry, Ma'am, we've got no cod"

"Yes, sonny, a nice piece of cod"

"We have NO cod"

"I don't want haddock, just the cod"

This exchange continues with the fishmonger getting more and more exasperated. He grabs a piece of paper and in big bold letters writes CFOD and shows it to the lady. With a puzzled look, she says

"There's no f in cod"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

 

After suffering depression for a long while, me and my wife decided to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, once she had killed herself I felt a lot better, so I thought... soldier on…

 

Guy walks into a pharmacy and says "can I have some viagra please?" Cashier says " I need some medical proof that you need it ". Guy says " will a photo of the missus do?

Quote

 

Sophia, a beautiful young lady in her mid-twenties, went on three dates: one with an acupuncturist, one with a massage therapist, and one with a chiropractor.

Afterwards, she told her girlfriends how each date went.

My first date was with the acupuncturist. That ended right away because he was such a prick, needless to say.

My second date was with the massage therapist, and he talked about marriage right away. He was applying too much pressure on me, and I can’t handle that touchy subject right now.

My last date was the chiropractor. He was perfect. I like him because he is so well-adjusted. He has a spine, standing up for himself. And best of all, he’s funny – he cracks me up.
 

 

An 15-year-old boy says to his father, "Dad, I keep getting these terrible sexual urges, what can I do about it?" 
"I think you'd better go and see my friend Bob, he's a sex therapist, I'm sure he'll be able to help. Pop round to his house this evening." 
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there's no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is opened by Bob's wife who tells him the therapist has been called away on urgent business. 
"Can I help at all?" she says. 
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks him how the treatment is going. 
"It's great now, dad," smiles the boy.

 

"The therapist's wife has got more brains between her legs than he has in his head." 
 

The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, "Dad, dad, the bull's f**king the cow." 
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, "Next time, son, be a little less explicit. 
You should have said. 
"The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of language comes from associating with riff-raff." 
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife are entertaining again when their son rushes in. 
"Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows." 
"Well done, son, you've remembered what I told you, but you should have said the bull is surprising the cow ... it can only surprise one cow at a time, you know." 

"But he can, dad," insists the boy "He's surprising the f**king horse." 

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

16 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train

They were actually three Jewish Scotsmen who brought up in Yorkshire who did the deed.

Edited December 22, 20187 yr by scottiejohn

How to Speak about Men and Be Politically Correct:

1. He Does Not Have a "Beer Gut" - He Has Developed a "Long Term Liquid Grain Storage Facility."

2. He Is Not a "Bad Dancer" - He Is "Overly Caucasian Subjected to uncontrollable erratic movements."

3. He Does Not "Get Lost All the Time" - He "Investigates Alternative Destinations via Telepathic and Non Reading or Verbal Methodology."

4. He Is Not "Balding" - He Is in "Follicle Regression With a Shiny Exterior."

5. He Is Not a "Cradle Robber" - He Prefers "Non Orthodoxia Generational Differential Relationships."

6. He Does Not Get "Falling-down Drunk" - He Becomes "Accidentally Liquidly Induced Horizontally Focused."

7. He Does Not Act like a "Total Ass" - He Develops a Case of "Rectal-cranial equine Inversion."

8. He Is Not a "Male Chauvinist Pig" - He Has "Non Judgmental Swine Empathy."

9. He Is Not Afraid of "Commitment" - He Is "Relationship Challenged with a Wide Ranging Social Entourage."

10. He Is Not "Horny" - He Is "Overly Sexually Focused."
 

Mike went fishing one day, but at the end he had not caught a single fish. On the way back home, he stopped at a fish store.
 “I want to buy three trout, please,” he said to the owner.

“But instead of putting them in a bag, can you throw them to me one at a time?”
 “Throw them?

Why do you want me to do that?” the owner asked.

 

 Mike replied, “So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!”  

 A recent computer science graduate starts his new job at a giant computer company.

He’s shocked when the manager tells him that his first job will be to sweep the floor.

He protests, “But I can’t do that, I’m a graduate of the Super-Duper-High-Tech Institute of Technology!”

The manager pauses and thinks for a second.

 

“Well,” she says, “then your first task will be to learn how to use a broom!”  

 

Quote

 

A madman escapes from the local asylum,  finds his way into town, and goes into a laundrette, they was  a woman wearing a short skirt filling a washing machine, so he had his way with her when he was done, he runs out of the laundrette.

The following day local newspapers headline "Nut screws washer and bolts".

10 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Are you taking the P ?

What is worn under a Scotsman's kilt?

Nothing.

As everything is in perfect working order!

 

 

Merry Christmas to one and all!

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

 

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of Scotch whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.

 

The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.

 

The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

 

One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

 

The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.

 

The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.

 

When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

 

 

A Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land. They were lined up against a wall in front of a firing squad. The leader of the captors said, 'We're going to shoot you all in turn.  But first, you each can make a final wish.'

 

The Scotsman responds, 'I'd like to hear "Scotland the Brave" played by the massed bagpipes of the Gordon Highlanders just one more time to remind me of the auld country.

 

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the green hills of home, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell.

 

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the valleys, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

 

The Englishman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'