Sheik Abdul Amunkir was admitted to hospital for heart surgery but, as he had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. The call went out for help. Finally a Scotsman, Wullie MacCallum was located who had a similar blood type.

 

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, Sheik Abdul sent Wullie, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Mercedes Benz, diamonds and 100,000 US dollars.

 

A few days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

 

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. Wullie MacCallum was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

 

He phoned the Arab and asked him, 'I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a Benz, diamonds and some money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street.'

 

To this the Arab replied, 'Aye Wullie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.'

 

(with apologies to Oor Wullie and Scotsmen everywhere)

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were exploring in the rainforest when they were captured by a tribe of Indians.

 

They were taken to the Indian chief who said them “ your skin very strong, make good canoe , but I give you one final wish “

 

The Scotsman said “ a case of Scottish Whisky “ and disappeared into a tent to drink.

 

The Englishman said “3 young Indian girls “ and disappeared into a tent to enjoy.

 

The Irishman said “ a fork “ and after receiving it stabbed himself all over his body saying “ if you think you’re gonna make a bloody canoe out of me ..................”

 

An Englishman went to Spain to tour the country and learn Spanish.

 

He hired a Spanish guide to accompany him. The guide was told to speak only in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

 

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

 

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, 'Mira el mosca.'

 

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, 'No, senor, "la mosca"... es feminina.'

 

The Englishman looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, 'Good heavens..... you must have incredibly good eyesight.

 

Two English men, Peter and John, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window:

Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

Peter says, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our English accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'

They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'

Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners...'

'Oh, doctor', he said, 'my wife thinks she's a chicken'. The doctor gasped, 'That's terrible. How long has she been like that?'

 

The husband replied, 'Three years'. The doctor was horrified, 'Three years! Why didn't you bring her to me sooner?'

 

The husband said sheepishly, 'Because we needed the eggs.'

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" 

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" 

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" 

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls." 

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride Jimmy, swagger man! Walk with pr-r-ride!" "Shame yur no warin yer kilt to really show your stuff!

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 

150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock. 

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. 

The European community (except France) is sending food and money. 

 

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans after they demolish their newly built wall to let the Mexicans back out of the US back into Mexico. 

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. 

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. 

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go and there is nowhere convenient." 

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." 

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. 

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away behind that hedge." 

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this typical British courtesy to your US cousins?" 

 

"Not really," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy." 
 

Edited December 27, 20187 yr by scottiejohn

I NO UNESTAN MY FEN SUMHOW

That's not right...Sum Ting Wong 

 

Are you harboring a fugitive?...Hu Yu Hai Ding? 

 

See me ASAP...Kum Hia Nao 

 

Stupid Man...Dum Gai 

 

Small Horse...Tai Ni Po Ni 

 

Did you go to the beach?...Wai Yu So Tan? 

 

I bumped into a coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Ni 

 

I think you need a face lift...Chin Tu Fat 

 

It's very dark in here...Wai So Dim? 

 

I thought you were on a diet...Wai Yu Mun Ching? 

 

This is a tow away zone...No Pah King 

 

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao? 

 

Staying out of sight...Lei Ying Lo 

 

He's cleaning his automobile...Wa Shing Ka 

 

Your body odor is offensive...Yu Stin Ki Pu

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

 

Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

 

They draw straws.

 

Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

 

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door. 

Mrs O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and he's afraid to come home.'

 

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Mrs O'Toole.'

 

'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

 

Murphy is in New York, waiting patiently at a busy street crossing.

The cop on duty there stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'.  After allowing the pedestrians to cross, he waves the traffic through again. He does this several times, but Murphy is still standing on the sidewalk.

After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Murphy approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Eric had served the Railway Company as Guard on the local railway for fifty years, and when his time to retire arrived he found the parting a severe wrench.

 

Hearing how keenly their old employee felt leaving the service, the Company arranged to present him with an old railway carriage which they delivered to his house and installed in his back garden, to serve as a daily reminder of his active days on the line.

 

One very wet day some of his friends called to see Eric and were informed by his wife that he would be in the back garden 'on the train.'

 

Going down the garden they found Eric sitting on the step of the carriage, smoking his pipe and with an old sack over his shoulders to protect him from the downpour.

 

'Hello, Eric,' his friends greeted him, 'You should be inside on a day like this?' '

 

Can’t you see?' replied Archie with a nod towards the windows, 'they gave me a “no smoking” carriage.

Old Sandy McPherson was dying.

Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, 'Anything I can get you, Sandy?' - No reply.

'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?'

Faintly, came the answer ...  'A wee bit of yon boiled ham.'

'Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine that's for the funeral.'

Edited December 28, 20187 yr by chickenslegs

On 12/27/2018 at 11:30 PM, chickenslegs said:

'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

I though the  Catholics very very good at crossing themselves!

My New Year resolutions for 2019.

 

1) Set realistic goals.

 

2) Drink a bit too much.

 

3) Gain weight.

 

4) Buy a year's gym membership, attend twice in the first week but never again.  

 

 

My Dad was very careful with his money.

 

When he became a bit hard of hearing he refused to buy an expensive hearing aid.

 

He bought a piece of flex, and would put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear.

 

It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.

 

 

Edited January 2, 20197 yr by chickenslegs

^ He used to heat the knives, so we couldn't use too much butter.

A THAI TOILET SIGN?

 

Many years ago, a woman gave birth to twin sons. She and her husband, a fisherman, couldn’t think of what to name them.  
 After several weeks had passed, the couple noticed something peculiar. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn toward the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Toward and Away,” suggested the woman. Her husband agreed, and from that point on, the boys were known simply as Toward and Away.

The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “It is time that you learn how to make a living from the sea.” The three of them filled their ship with supplies, said their good-byes, and set sail for a three-month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the woman, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

 Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking toward her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened ?” she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: “We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Toward hooked into a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”

 “Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been that got Toward!” said the woman.

 

 “Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!”  

Edited January 4, 20197 yr by scottiejohn