3 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Should have bought a smarter wife maybe!

 

Before you ask, no I don't know what happened to No 1.  It's history are sunk in the past somewhere.

Edited December 17, 20187 yr by scottiejohn

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would lift up her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Lifting up her nightgown at him, she said, "Supersex."

 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup.

 

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

 

I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.

 

A woman says to her husband: ‘You never take me anywhere expensive anymore’. He says ‘get your coat on’. She says ‘where we going?’ He says: ‘The <deleted> petrol station’.

 

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.

A fish needed surgery, but didn’t know if he’d be able to pay for it. He met with the doctor to talk about how much it would cost.

“Don’t worry at all,” said the doctor.

“I’ll give you a discount on the price. I admire and respect your cousin, so I am honored to be taking care of his family.

 

He is, beyond any doubt, an excellent sturgeon.”  

A speaker, who was less than modest, was booked to address an audience at a university. About two hours before she was supposed to speak, however, a couple of student jokers loaded all the folding chairs from the auditorium into a truck and drove off.

No one knew about this until the audience began to arrive for the lecture. It was too late to do anything about it, and the audience had to stand throughout her talk. That evening she wrote a letter to her mother:

“It was a tremendous success. Hours before I got there, every seat in the house was taken, and I was given a standing ovation throughout my speech."  

A computer rolled into a bakery and went up to the counter. There were doughnuts and muffins and pastries, but the computer pointed at a plate of cookies.

“Hello,” it said in an electronic voice.

 Astonished, the counter person replied, “Wow, we don’t get too many computers in this store. Do you want some of these cookies?”

 “Well,” said the computer, “I might. Could you tell me how many bites are in each one?”

REPLY NUMBER ONE

 “I’m sorry,” said the counter person. “There aren’t any bytes in these cookies, just chips.

 

OR NUMBER TWO

The number of bites you take depends on the type and size of your input system!

 A frustrated customer calls tech support with a very tricky problem. She cannot print blue, it just doesn't show up. All the other colors print fine, except blue, which is very unusual.

 The tech support person on the other end tries everything he can think of to help the customer. He asks her to reinstall the program, to reboot the computer, to turn the printer on and off. None of it helps.

 Finally, after hours of troubleshooting, he asks the customer if she can send a photo of her computer, the sys info screen, a screen shot of what she is trying to print and a photo of the printed result, the printer settings, the cable connections and everything on her computer desk.   She forwards the pictures by e-mail and on receipt  he instantly understands what the problem is and tells her,

 

“From now on, print on white paper instead of blue!”  
 

When I woke this morning my wife was standing in the kitchen looking sexy in her nightie, and preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in she turned to me and said “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

We went at it, there and then on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," pulled down her nightie and returned to the stove.

”How come you're so horny this morning” I said.

”I'm not”, she replied, "The egg timer's broken."

A Catholic Irish boy stands crying on the side of the road, a man asks what is wrong.

The boy says "Me ma just died".

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to call Father O'riley for you?"

The boy replies "No thanks mister sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment".

 

 

 

Edited December 18, 20187 yr by chickenslegs

9 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

 

9 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

"The egg timer's broken."

Good job it wasn't a hard boiled egg that needed timing!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She Is Not a "Babe" or a "Chick" - She Is a "Breasted Adult."

2. She Is Not a "Screamer" or a "Moaner" - She Is "Vocally Appreciative."

3. She Is Not "Easy" - She Is "Horizontally Accessible."

4. She Is Not a "Dumb Blonde" - She Is a "Light-haired Detour off the Information Superhighway."

5. She Has Not "Been Around" - She Is a "Previously-enjoyed Companion."

6. She Is Not an "Airhead" - She Is "Reality Impaired."

7. She Does Not Get "Drunk" or "Tipsy" - She Gets Chemically Inconvenienced."

8. She Does Not Have "Breast Implants" - She Is "Medically Enhanced."

9. She Does Not "Nag" You - She Becomes "Verbally Repetitive."

10. She Is Not a "Tramp" - She Is "Sexually Extroverted."

11 She Does Not Have "Major League Hooters" - She Is "Pectorally Superior."

12. She Is Not a "Two-bit Hooker" - She Is a "Low Cost Provider."

A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out, “Are there any ’gators around here?”

 

 “Naw,” the man hollered back. “They haven’t been around here for years!”

 

 Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the ’gators?”

 

 “We didn’t do anything,” said the beachcomber. “The sharks got ’em.”  

A woman goes into the local pet shop and asks the owner for a pet that can do everything. The owner thinks about it and says, “How about a dog?”
 The woman replies, “No, I had a dog before. He was great but all he did was eat, sleep, and play fetch. I want a pet that can do everything!”
 The owner thinks for a long time and then says, “I’ve got it! What you want is a millipede!”
 The woman looks at the owner and says, “A millipede? I can’t imagine a millipede doing everything. But OK, I’ll try it.”

 When the woman gets the millipede home she says to him, “Please clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, she walks into the kitchen and it’s spotless.  She’s absolutely amazed.

 Wanting to see what else he can do, the woman says to the millipede, “Please clean the living room.” Twenty-five minutes later, she walks into the living room, and again everything’s perfect.  The woman is once again impressed.

 The woman thinks to herself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This pet really can do everything.” Wanting him to do more, she says to the millipede, “Run down to the corner store and get me a newspaper, please.” The millipede walks out of the living room.
 Ten minutes go by and no millipede.  After thirty minutes the woman is starting to wonder what’s going on. It should have taken the millipede only a couple of minutes.   Deciding to look for him, the woman goes to leave out the front door. She opens the door and the millipede is just sitting on the front steps. The woman becomes furious. She says, “Hey! Where have you been all this time? I asked you30 minutes ago to go to the corner store and get me a newspaper. Then I come to find you and you’re sitting down on the job. What’s going on?”

 

 The millipede replies, “I’m going. I just have to put my shoes on!”  

Once upon a time in a magical land, there lived a snake named Nate.

In this land, actually rather close to Nate’s house, there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the myth around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world.

One day, Nate was slithering down the road. When he came upon the lever, he began crossing the road so he could get a look at it. At the same moment, a truck came zooming around the corner, and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the snake and run him over, or swerve, hit the lever, and end the world.

Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate and went on his merry way. What’s the moral of this story?

 

 Better Nate than lever.  

I've booked a table for valentines. The Mrs will be pissed off, she's shit at snooker.

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me.

 

I went out with a dyslexic girl last night. It was great, except she ended up cooking my socks…