I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I Googled 'Led Zeppelin reunion' and it came back with 'Page not found'...

I went for a job interview yesterday the bloke said "it's a £7.20 start but it goes up to £14 an hour in six months.  Now, when can you start?"
I said "in six months"...

A man visits the doctor for help with an embarrassing problem.
He explains that whenever he breaks wind, it sounds like a motorbike accelerating.
The doctor asks to take a look at the source of the problem and immediately diagnoses the fact that the man has an abscess in just the spot to generate this sound.
The man asks what this has to do with the sound of a motorbike accelerating to which the doctor replies 'Everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go Honda'.

It's National Women's Day today.

It was going to be yesterday, but they weren't ready.

Went to a new restaurant in town.
The waiter said "For starters there's badger soup, followed by roast badger and finishing with badger mousse."
"Is there anything else apart from badger?" I asked.
"No", he replied. "It's a sett menu."

Did I ever tell you that my great grandfather's first job was as a comedian on the Titanic?
His one liner went down really well with his audience.

A human fart can actually be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that fact at my sons school concert.

I'll have you know, I was known as the love machine in my teens.
I'm useless at tennis.