2 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

The original cartoon was for the Byrds.

 

I'll get my hat

Was that the custard variety of birds with cream?

I was in the pub with a mate and he asked "Do you want a game of darts?"

"Okay.  Nearest to the bull starts."

He said "Baaaa." I said "Mooo." He said "You start, you're nearest."

5 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I was in the pub with a mate and he asked "Do you want a game of darts?"

"Okay.  Nearest to the bull starts."

He said "Baaaa." I said "Mooo." He said "You start, you're nearest."

Oh dear I hear you say as I score points by saying both pointedly and sheepishly "what a load of bulls**t!

Three actors were asked if they wanted to be in a new movie about the great composers. 

Tom Hanks says "I'll be Beethoven".

Hugh Jackman says "I'll be Mozart".

Arnold Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach".

Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

Here's a great investment idea for Thailand.    "Walking Plastic "  

Just train it to carry your groceries on its own and then bin itself when it's done.

 

 

Plastic Can Walk on its Own Now

https://www.popularmechanics.com/science/a30139271/scientists-train-plastic-walk/

 

https://hmg.h-cdn.co/videos/dec-05-2019-15-43-34-1575579827.mp4

  

 

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and says

"This octopus is the most talented musician you will ever meet.  I reckon he can play any instrument in the world.  If anyone brings me an instrument that he can't play I will give you $1000."

With that, all the folk in the bar rush home to pick up various instruments and bring them back to test the octopus. Trumpet, harmonica, guitar, drums, violin, piano are all played with consummate ease.

"Has nobody got an instrument he can't play?" asks the owner.  A Scotsman steps forward with a set of bagpipes. 

"Do you think he can play these?" he asks.

"No bother" says the owner and hands them to the octopus who instantly starts ripping at the tartan bag. The man shouts at the octopus "why aren't you playing it?" The octopus replies "play it?  I'm trying to get her knickers off."

A 10 year old girl asks her mom, “Mommy how was I born?”
The mother smiled and replied: “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day.
After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we had wild uninhibited glorious sex without a condom.” 
 

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date anybody else again. 

My fear of moving stairs is escalating

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.
She said yes. all the others had been nines and ten out of ten
 

A little teddy bear left school and had to get himself a job. He managed to get work on a building site, and used to spend his days digging away with a big pick axe. One Wednesday, he returned from lunch to discover that his pick was gone — somebody had stolen it.   

He went to the foreman and told him that his pick had been stolen.
‘Don’t you know,’ said the foreman,

 

‘that today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked?’
 

SEE - WE REALLY DO NEED FREE PLASTIC BAGS IN SOME CASES