4 minutes ago, jvs said:

We have a divided opinion on this one.

 see the responses are multiplying well.

A young missionary sat down in the African bush to read his bible. A lion came up to him and laid down beside him. Convinced that this was God’s will, the missionary gently stroked the lion and began reading his bible again.
A while later, a second lion wanders up and lies down on his other side. “The Lord moves in mysterious ways” thought the missionary, as he gently patted the lions. All was peaceful until he picked up his bible and began reading again. At which point the two lions pounced, killed and devoured the man.
And the moral of this story? Don’t try to read between the lions.

13 minutes ago, fangless said:

 see the responses are multiplying well.

And i was expecting a negative response,thank you for doing the math.

I asked my 90 year old neighbour if she wanted anything from the shops.

"Ooh, yes" she replied.

"Good" I said, handing her my grocery list.  "No point in us both going out with this Covid thing happening".

A pair of righteous Mormon missionaries are out  in the heart of Africa having just converted a small village. On their way to the next village they have to trudge through several miles of dangerous Jungle.

One of the missionaries spies out the corner of his eye a fierce lion walking behind them several yards away. Out of fear they start walking faster with the lion close behind them - soon they were running as fast as they could with the lion gaining on them quickly.

The missionaries decide that they'll never be able to outrun the lion so they drop down on their knees and start to pray, "Dear Lord please spare us from this terrible fate of being eaten by this lion, we've been doing excellent work for you and it would be a terrible waste to be eaten right now...and if you can it would be terrific if you could maybe help us teach the gospel to the lion"

With some trepidation they open their eyes and look behind them to see that the lion is on his knees praying,

/

/

/

/

/

 

"Dear Lord, please bless this meal..."

8 minutes ago, jvs said:

And i was expecting a negative response,thank you for doing the math.

Stop being so devise or I will square up to you and root out this bad behaviour before I eat my lunchtime Pie which is on the table!

Edited September 1, 20205 yr by fangless

9 hours ago, Davo369 said:

Thank you for that clip. I needed a good laugh and that is one of the best.

 

25 minutes ago, jvs said:

deleted post

 

3 minutes ago, fangless said:

Stop being so devise or I will square up to you and root out this bad behaviour before I eat my lunchtime Pie which is on the table!

Now thats a whole different angle.

2 minutes ago, jvs said:

Now thats a whole different angle.

Are you trying to trig(er) another fractional response?

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

Edited September 1, 20205 yr by fangless

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

5 minutes ago, fangless said:

Are you trying to trig(er) another fractional response?

I was calculating this kind of response,just being average i can not understand this quotation.

2 minutes ago, jvs said:

I was calculating this kind of response,just being average i can not understand this quotation.

To sum up I think the rest of the Joke forum will think we have used up our quota of puns for the day!

Edited September 1, 20205 yr by fangless

2 minutes ago, fangless said:

To sum up I think the rest of the Joke forum will think we have used up our quota of puns for the day!

I agree,let's not turn this into a numbers game!

 

Just now, jvs said:

I agree,let's not turn this into a numbers game!

 

I knew I could count on you to get my point!

2 minutes ago, fangless said:

I knew I could count on you to get my point!

Ok i will stop now,starting to see things double!

Just now, jvs said:

Ok i will stop now,starting to see things double!

I'll drink to that!

2 minutes ago, fangless said:

I'll drink to that!

Ok,fine you win!!!I do not drink alcohol,only 0% beer for me.

4 minutes ago, jvs said:

Ok,fine you win!!!I do not drink alcohol,only 0% beer for me.

Thanks.  I was just trying to be a kindred spirit (non alcoholic)

Edited September 1, 20205 yr by fangless

3 minutes ago, fangless said:

Thanks.  I was just trying to be a kindly spirit (non alcoholic)

You see,it all averages out.

Have a nice day,i have more unimportant things to do.

I took math for many years,i liked the teacher but she was always two points ahead of me.

 

15 minutes ago, jvs said:

You see,it all averages out.

Have a nice day,i have more unimportant things to do.

I took math for many years,i liked the teacher but she was always two points ahead of me.

 

Your comments encompass mine exactly.  We extracted our "pun of flesh" as the Scottish playwrite MacSheakspear said

Edited September 1, 20205 yr by fangless

49 minutes ago, jvs said:

Now thats a whole different angle.

You're being obtuse.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone.

The counsellor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things.

First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counsellor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counsellor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counsellor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”

“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counsellor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”

The counsellor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counsellor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble.
And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”

“This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said,

 

 

 

 

‘Don’t screw up.’”

11 minutes ago, faraday said:

You're being obtuse.

I should point out that you also appear to have an acute sense of humour if I am not mistaken!

Edited September 1, 20205 yr by fangless

2 minutes ago, fangless said:

And you have an acute sense of humour if I am not mistaken!

 

It's certainly turning into a protracted discussion.

 

2 minutes ago, Crossy said:

 

It's certainly turning into a protracted discussion.

 

How many points do we get? And do we earn a degree if we get enough?

Edited September 1, 20205 yr by fangless

1 hour ago, jvs said:

Now thats a whole different angle.

I think it calls for a 180 degree U-turn and then we can draw a straight line underneath all of this.

1 minute ago, fangless said:

How many points do we get?

 

It depends upon what your disussion encompasses.