A busload of nuns are killed in a multiple pileup. They arrive at the gates of Heaven and meet St. Peter. He says to them, "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I'll let you through the Pearly Gates, but before I may do so I must ask you all a single question."

Turning to the first nun in the line, he asks her, "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister responds, "Well there was this one time i touched one with the tip of my pinky finger." St. Peter says, "All right, Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in this Holy Water and you may be admitted." And she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well, there was this one time when I held one for a moment." "All right, Sister, just wash your hands in the Holy Water and you may be admitted." And she does.

Suddenly, St. Peter hears a jostling in the line and looks up. It seems one nun is trying to cut in front of another. "Sister Susan", he says, "What is this? There is no rush." Sister Susan responds, "Well, if I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I'd better do it before Sister Mary sticks her arrse in it."

8 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Midwife for sale.
Will deliver.

Is there still a nine month waiting list followed by an incubation period or has those options for delivery been cut out?

8 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Last night some woman called and said my wife was in Casualty.
When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, but never saw her once!

She still hasn't come home yet.

I'm starving!

She will probably be in stiches when you explain your absense to her!

11 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I rang the Scam Victim's Helpline.
Now all I've got to do is send them their £300 administration fee and they'll start work on my case.

Don't forget you must send it via my inbox and not direct to the company itself.

2 hours ago, overherebc said:

I got the same result with my wife when we bought a water bed.

You splashed out and sunk all your savings into it for it did you,

49 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

I really do start to beef when the same meme was Butchered on Wednesday and Thursday this week in this forum forcing me to regurgitate the same puns.  I am not a sausage mill after all, I need new material to get my teeth into and chew over!

????

Edited September 18, 20214 yr by fangless

On 9/16/2021 at 10:43 PM, Zyxel said:

That's sooooo true! Most id!otic decision by Apple ever. Apart from putting power button at the back of computers... I mean... What was Johnny Ive... apologies... Sir Johnny Ive thinking?!

2 hours ago, fangless said:

I really do start to beef when the same meme was Butchered on Wednesday and Thursday this week in this forum forcing me to regurgitate the same puns.  I am not a sausage mill after all, I need new material to get my teeth into and chew over!

????

I'd joint in, but the steaks are too high, and I'd just get a ribbing. No bones about it.

39 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I'd joint in, but the steaks are too high, and I'd just get a ribbing. No bones about it.

Make no mis-steak about it I will be around to fillet the information for you on the rare occasions we cannot make a joint response!

Edited September 18, 20214 yr by fangless

On 9/15/2021 at 12:53 PM, Will B Good said:

Had a girlfriend who genuinely thought there was a bone (I was obviously in my youth at the time)

Was she nibbling your ear at the time?

Thanks for calling the S&M support line.

Unfortunately all of our operators are tied up at the moment.

Did you know that soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear'

who wrote telephone hold music?

My girlfriend was going on holiday and said to me as she was leaving to check on her her dad as his dementia were getting worse. 

"Sure" I said.

She gets back and asks if everything is okay.  "Well, no", I said, "the cat's dead".

"What do you mean the cat's dead?"

"It's dead, just dead"!

"You really are insensitive at times", she shouts. "Couldn't you have lightened it a bit by saying the cat was on the roof or something and he fell and you got the vet and he died peacefully in his sleep? Something like that?  'Anyway, did you go and see my dad?"

"Yeah, I did"

"How is he?"

"Well, he was on the roof................."

I went to see the Red Arrows today.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.

Men at 25 play football
Men at 40 play tennis

Men at 5 play billiards
Men at 60 play golf

Have you ever noticed that as you get older, your balls get smaller?