2 hours ago, fangless said:

On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through deepest Wales.  When they arrived at SiliogogogochLlanfairpsiliogogogochwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrnsiliogogogochdrobwyllllanty they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce the name of the place we are in now, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said: “K........F...........C.”

 

 

Your KFC has a waitress?  You posh <deleted>! 

A new manager arrives at his work to replace a recently fired manager.
On his way out, the outgoing manager hands the new manager three envelopes and remarks, "When things get tough, open these one at a time."
Three months go by and things start to get rough. The manager opens his drawer where he keeps the three envelopes and opens the first one.

The note inside reads: "Blame your predecessor." He does and it works like a charm.
Three more months pass and things are growing difficult again so the manager opens envelope two. It reads, "Reorganise."

Again, his predecessor's advice works like magic.
Finally, nine months into the new job, things are getting really sticky.
The manager figures it worked before, why not try again. So he opens the envelope drawer one last time and opens the third envelope. the note reads...

"Prepare three envelopes."

My wife is wearing one of those skirts where you can just see the edge of her bum poking out

I'd probably find it really sexy if it wasn't knee length.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

A horse is sitting in a pub sinking pints. He staggers over to the bar and asks for another. The barman looks at him and says “you’re drunk; I can’t serve you any more, I’m afraid.  And, you’ve been in here every day this week. Are you an alcoholic?”

The horse looks at the barman and say “I don’t think I am” and promptly disappears in a puff of logic.

 

(Many you won’t have got that joke; it’s about the famous philosophers quote “I think therefore I am”.

I didn’t explain that beforehand, because that would be putting Descartes before the horse).

Two big girls walk into a bar.
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

25% of women are on medication for some form of mental illness.

This means that 75% are walking around untreated!

Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...

Kaleidoscopes.
What do people see in them?

The Government has announced that benefit cheats will now be dealt with as harshly as fraudulent bankers.
How is giving them knighthoods going to help?

7 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Kaleidoscopes.
What do people see in them?

I'm not sure as they seem to haphazardly colour my judgement

.

 

 

2 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

Once when I got pulled over in upstate New York the cop cop asked if I know why he pulled me over. I answered: Drunk driving?

 

Another time under similar circumstances in Florida, when told to walk a straight line I told him that I could walk I wouldn't be driving....

Road Tax.....................