2 Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away. "The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied. How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from it's beak to it's tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. $300!" she cried. "$300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to

spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on

the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of

cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger

involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of

events are put into motion:

Routine:

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with

the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is

lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More Routine:

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks

her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the

situation.

Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More Routine:

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces

and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing

her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing women!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone

on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and

begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather

coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw

the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$260,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted

last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but

just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later. I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking

at him in astonishment.

THEN he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"