How Not To Become A Bitter Expat?

[dumspero]

Have been pondering how not to become a bitter expat. Live in a place controlled in some ways by my own country, so we're kind of quasi-expats here, with many of the same dynamics.

Most get bitter and leave. Some go 100% local and love it. Few find a balance where they are content long term, retain their own core values and yet are truly comfortable in a place with such different values and approaches to life at all levels (everyday getting around, work ethic, etc.)

Seems like a similar dynamic, albeit more intense, with expats in Thailand (I have nearly 20 years with Thais and coming and going but have never lived in Thailand--so only a basis to say in my place, not Thailand, admittedly).

In Thailand, my own rough sense is that most expats also get bitter and leave. Some go 100% local and love it. Some 'love to hate it,' and some just outright hate it and stay--but I guess I'd say all those in the latter two groups are bitter expats. Nothing so terrible about it, I suppose, if they treat people right and respect the laws in Thailand. But not to sure many really do, and at a minimum, seems like they spread a lot of negativity around among those with whom they interact.

Of course this is complicated, everyone is an individual, bitter expats and others can be broken down into many groups, etc. But seems to me that trying to avoid becoming a bitter expat is a worthy goal.

My own guess is that, at least for me, the solution includes points one often sees: learning the Thai language, including script, really well; developing relationships with Thais; truly learning and grasping how things are done; and then two more points I don't see so often.

One point is the need to view everything, not through my own, objective, rule-of-law, absolute-truth-of-gravity perspective (maybe we could call this a Western perspective), but instead through a general kind of Thai perpective in which things are viewed from what is (in so many contexts) such a different perspective. The perspective must be learned, and using it is the only way I can have peace with what would otherwise be craziness if viewed through the Western lens I've used since childhood. Thai parking, for example.

The other point is that I can't give up on my own core values. For those of us with a deep belief in our own sense of morality, we must stick with that. Few of us can really be happy if we try to drop our own set of moral standards and pick up what we guess/estimate to be, generally speaking, a Thai set of moral standards. I think it won't really 'take' with most of us. And it's when we confuse the moral standards on the one hand with the real need to change our perspective, on the other hand, that we find ourselves most frustrated and unsure how to react in situations in a way that is safe, works and won't leave us seething later.

Not sure whether this will make any sense to anyone else--but interested in any constructive ideas on how not to end up in 10, 15 or 20 years being the guy who just bitterly complains about everything "the Thais" do (and often such people are shocked to hear anyone thinks they're racist).

Cheers.

[wamberal]

It is essential to look after your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Starting with the physical, stay fit, eat properly, don't drink too much (have two alcohol-free days each week), sleep at least seven hours a night, and have a yearly medical and dental check-up.

Stay occupied in a worthwhile occupation, set reasonably goals and try hard to achieve them (but don't be self-critical when you don't), learn what can be changed and change it, and put up with things that cannot be changed.

On the emotional side, look after your relationships. Do not take people for granted. Try to see things from the other's point of view. Be tolerant of others, as you would expect them to be tolerant of you.

As for spiritual health, others might disagree, but my life has been far happier, contented, and even productive during the years that I have followed my religion.

These suggestions apply anywhere, of course. I totally agree that a comprehensive knowledge of the language and the culture (and particularly of the subtle differences between ethnic Thai people and those of Chinese ethnicity) are very helpful. I know the culture pretty well, the language is out of reach.

[Temporaneo]

It is essential to look after your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Don't forget financial health

[LindsayBKK]

It is essential to look after your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Don't forget financial health

When the rules change on a daily bases it's hard not to feel unwanted and not knowing if you need to plan for a move to another country. My 2c is it hasn't even started yet. The Junta is making new rules as we speak.

[cdnvic]

I think you need to avoid putting down roots before you find a place you really feel comfortable with. Look at the constant Pattaya-bashing threads. I know people who hate the place but have never lived elsewhere in Thailand. Now they have a house, a business, and inertia is keeping them in a place they hate. Same goes for people in Chiang Mai who hate the pollution and long for the beach they found down south on holiday.

Thailand is diverse enough to suit a lot of different tastes. You just need to be in a place that's right for you.

[canuckamuck]

Most of this has been said before but here is my compilation.

Preserve your core values, Preserve you health, and Preserve your identity.

Abandon self importance; add Thai tunnel vision to your Western tunnel vision.

Learn patience, learn the language, and learn the culture.

Understand this is their land to do with whatever they wish.

Understand the west has had hundreds of years of adapting to industrialization - Thailand, mere decades.

Avoid negative people, give praise where it’s due.

Visit other places in Asia, and discover that Thailand is truly a pearl.

Stay out of traffic.

[chanchao]

Isn't asking how not become a bitter expat on the Thaivisa.com forum a bit like going on a cooking forum asking how not to cook turkey?

[h90]

don't like it here, don't like it where I was born, don't like it between these countries so it does not make a big difference....

[soundman]

Been in thailand six years, been on TV 3 months. Only ever encountered the term "bitter expat" in TV. I don't know many expats in thai, however, apart from the usual whinges, my experience is none of them are actually "bitter".

Soundman.

[Boon Mee]

Have been pondering how not to become a bitter expat. Live in a place controlled in some ways by my own country, so we're kind of quasi-expats here, with many of the same dynamics.

One can become a 'bitter expat' anywhere on this globe. In fact, there's loads of 'bitter' folks living right at home taking Prozac just to get by so like Thai's say: "Tham jai khun" - it's all up to you...

[jdinasia]

Simple ... remember why you came here.

The guy's that I know that are bitter came here expecting that 3 week vacation feeling to be around for years. The sad cases are the ones that burnt all their bridges at home and have no real options left.

[JimmyTheMook]

It is essential to look after your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Don't forget financial health

When the rules change on a daily bases it's hard not to feel unwanted and not knowing if you need to plan for a move to another country. My 2c is it hasn't even started yet. The Junta is making new rules as we speak.

I agree with you on this , myself with a family in tow.

Most say wait out the storm and I'm trying to as I do like many many things here in Thailand and then there is the "yang" side to the "ying".

Time will tell...

Edited April 2, 2007 by JimmyTheMook

[toptuan]

Simple ... remember why you came here.

Yeah, but my BG ran away with a richer farang....

[pampal]

Close your eyes and hum your favorite tune

[MarkBKK]

Have been pondering how not to become a bitter expat. Live in a place controlled in some ways by my own country, so we're kind of quasi-expats here, with many of the same dynamics.

Most get bitter and leave. Some go 100% local and love it. Few find a balance where they are content long term, retain their own core values and yet are truly comfortable in a place with such different values and approaches to life at all levels (everyday getting around, work ethic, etc.)

Seems like a similar dynamic, albeit more intense, with expats in Thailand (I have nearly 20 years with Thais and coming and going but have never lived in Thailand--so only a basis to say in my place, not Thailand, admittedly).

In Thailand, my own rough sense is that most expats also get bitter and leave. Some go 100% local and love it. Some 'love to hate it,' and some just outright hate it and stay--but I guess I'd say all those in the latter two groups are bitter expats. Nothing so terrible about it, I suppose, if they treat people right and respect the laws in Thailand. But not to sure many really do, and at a minimum, seems like they spread a lot of negativity around among those with whom they interact.

Of course this is complicated, everyone is an individual, bitter expats and others can be broken down into many groups, etc. But seems to me that trying to avoid becoming a bitter expat is a worthy goal.

My own guess is that, at least for me, the solution includes points one often sees: learning the Thai language, including script, really well; developing relationships with Thais; truly learning and grasping how things are done; and then two more points I don't see so often.

One point is the need to view everything, not through my own, objective, rule-of-law, absolute-truth-of-gravity perspective (maybe we could call this a Western perspective), but instead through a general kind of Thai perpective in which things are viewed from what is (in so many contexts) such a different perspective. The perspective must be learned, and using it is the only way I can have peace with what would otherwise be craziness if viewed through the Western lens I've used since childhood. Thai parking, for example.

The other point is that I can't give up on my own core values. For those of us with a deep belief in our own sense of morality, we must stick with that. Few of us can really be happy if we try to drop our own set of moral standards and pick up what we guess/estimate to be, generally speaking, a Thai set of moral standards. I think it won't really 'take' with most of us. And it's when we confuse the moral standards on the one hand with the real need to change our perspective, on the other hand, that we find ourselves most frustrated and unsure how to react in situations in a way that is safe, works and won't leave us seething later.

Not sure whether this will make any sense to anyone else--but interested in any constructive ideas on how not to end up in 10, 15 or 20 years being the guy who just bitterly complains about everything "the Thais" do (and often such people are shocked to hear anyone thinks they're racist).

Cheers.

If you're a bitter pat you'll be a bitter ex-pat. If you're not a bitter pat, you won't be a bitter ex-pat. Simplistic, but in my limited experience, true.

[qwertz]

Dumspero, try hanging this on your wall, it works for me when the bitterness creeps in:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, for they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself to others you may become vain and bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your career however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself, especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love for in the face of all aridity and sentiment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture the strength of spirit to shield you in sudden destruction and misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars: you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be;

and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

With all its shams, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

Edited April 2, 2007 by qwertz

[ProThaiExpat]

BoonMe is spot on. Bitter people are bitter people wherever they live. Fixating on the differences in Thailand and your home country and then becoming bitter about the differences sounds absurd.

I can devise a list of negatives about any country to equal any list of negatives about Thailand. If I was a negative person, I would be negative about a Thai list or a home country list.

Happiness is an inside job. Creating a harmonious life includes creating beautiful surroundings, which includes people close to you, anywhere in the world you choose to live. Sure I vent occasionally about irksome events about life, healthy to get it off my chest in private or to love ones.

The use of the word "problem" to describe events in your life is an exercise in judgment, that is, an event is just that unless you label it a problem. A precursor to a negative life.

I choose to have a happy life and whenever something arises that threatens to alter that, I take whatever personal "inside" steps that are necessary to resolve the issue. Example, if money is short, lower your overhead. etc.

Homepro staff are useless only if you have expectations that they should be useful. Failure in expectations is the greatest source of bitterness, IMHO. Raise no expectations and you will not be disappointed or bitter because things don't meet your expectations, since you have none. As I said, it is an inside job.

[dumspero]

Thanks- many helpful thoughts.

[chonabot]

Live in a place controlled in some ways by my own country,

Explain please ?

[backflip]

" Thai parking, for example."

I'd learn to appreciate the differences in cultures, rather than complain about them.

[Ricardo]

Don't forget to laugh at yourself, and life, humour or irony is all around you, all the time. Laughter keeps you young - and stops you from taking things too seriously.

We Brits believe that we have self-deprecation down to a fine art.

[onzestan]

BoonMe is spot on. Bitter people are bitter people wherever they live. Fixating on the differences in Thailand and your home country and then becoming bitter about the differences sounds absurd.

I can devise a list of negatives about any country to equal any list of negatives about Thailand. If I was a negative person, I would be negative about a Thai list or a home country list.

Happiness is an inside job. Creating a harmonious life includes creating beautiful surroundings, which includes people close to you, anywhere in the world you choose to live. Sure I vent occasionally about irksome events about life, healthy to get it off my chest in private or to love ones.

The use of the word "problem" to describe events in your life is an exercise in judgment, that is, an event is just that unless you label it a problem. A precursor to a negative life.

I choose to have a happy life and whenever something arises that threatens to alter that, I take whatever personal "inside" steps that are necessary to resolve the issue. Example, if money is short, lower your overhead. etc.

Homepro staff are useless only if you have expectations that they should be useful. Failure in expectations is the greatest source of bitterness, IMHO. Raise no expectations and you will not be disappointed or bitter because things don't meet your expectations, since you have none. As I said, it is an inside job.

I couldn't have said it any better

I love Thailand for what it is, not for what it could be or should be in someones opinion.

One of my biggest joy's in Thailand, is being able to smile at someone, and receive a in return.

I refrain from doing this in my home country because I've noticed that people first think I'm an idiot (which maybe I am) or frown at me thinking that I'm some kind of pervert.

There is far to much misery in this world because of negative thinking.

Cheers

Onzestan

[Scott]

I run hot and cold on Thailand. Sometimes I love it and then I find myself hating it. Most of my "attitude" has to do more with me and my own emotional state than it does with anything around me. When I am in a negative place, the same actions which a week before were either cute or funny are now annoying.

When my attitude gets negative, I have a few rules for myself. First, keep my mouth shut--the mood will pass and I don't want to cause permanent damage to any friendships. Secondly, I go with the negative mood for a while. I wallow in it, I think "bad" thoughts, I go out of my way to see the "stupid" things people do. I swear (to myself) at their driving, running across the road, the soi dogs etc. etc. After a few days, I actually get sick of myself and the mood usually passes.

I also try to retain my basic values. These are the compass that ultimately guides me. The big value is: Don't be Judgemental!

The values keep from going insane, they mellow out the highs and lows and they allow me to be me and not somebody else "because everybody here does it that way."