How to teach Thai wife about childcare?

[kuzmabruk]

I have a recent (3 weeks) newborn.  My wife is Isan farmer.  She thinks that there has been no improvements in childcare since Thailand became a country.  That is the consensus of her family.   Sudden infant death syndrome does not happen in Thailand.  All deaths are because Buddha wants them, not because the child suffocated in a soft bed full of toys and blankets.  We are about to loose it, we are fighting so much.  Help me please.

 

she does not believe that there are associations in America and Canada and the UK that focus on childcare.  She thinks the websites I show her are fake.  She says there is nothing in Thailand to tell people how to raise children because Thai people figured that out 2500 years ago and it does not need to change.

 

anybody know of a government website out there in Thai that teaches these farmers how not to kill their children?

[Bruce Aussie Chiang Mai]

Wait till baby on motorbike, also believe all ok.

Don't stress about just remove few toys.

You will not change their attitude so go with flow

Good luck.

[Puchaiyank]

Have your own baby...speak from the advantage of experience...

[riclag]

Did she have the same pediatrician all through her term? If so, pay them a visit at their clinic(not hospital). That doctor might be able to give some advise,if not,maybe  recommend a advocate . 

[sirineou]

Thais have great respect of medical doctors. Make an appointment with one that speaks some english.  Have a conversation with him/her expressing your concerns when your wife is not around, and ask him/her to talk with her. 

She is a mother she carried that child for nine months, the love and attachment she has for that child , as much as you love it, you will never understand. You trying to tell her how to behave toward her child is a fool's errand. It needs to be her idea.

Have her pediatrician talk with her.  

[SidJames]

First of all congratulations.

Second of all is to breathe in deeply & step back for a minute.

Issan culture is different to Thai culture as you know but off the scale compared to Western culture.

It's hard to know where to start but try not to fight with your partner as they will close ranks on you. She will be going through all sorts of hormonal issues which we can't understand, it's like her period but on steroids.

PND or the baby blues is real but affects each woman differently.

On top of this her mum, granny, sister, auntie & nosey neighbour will be sticking their oar in.

Rural Thai dads are allowed to look & maybe hold the baby but they are not to be trusted with the child & your being foreign only compounds this.

For the most part the women share the upbringing with the mother breastfeeding & men are excluded, your job is to provide.

If you were seen changing the nappy or feeding the child then they would indicate in their eyes that there was something wrong with the mother & the family.

It's very old fashioned up there.

You have to play the waiting game, stop fighting & things will improve.

Stay strong, I feel for you fella & wish you & your young family the best

 

[SidJames]

8 minutes ago, sirineou said:

Thais have great respect of medical doctors. Make an appointment with one that speaks some english.  Have a conversation with him/her expressing your concerns when your wife is not around, and ask him/her to talk with her. 

She is a mother she carried that child for nine months, the love and attachment she has for that child , as much as you love it, you will never understand. You trying to tell her how to behave toward her child is a fool's errand. It needs to be her idea.

Have her pediatrician talk with her.  

Sage advice indeed.

[Sheryl]

Move to family and children forum

[kuzmabruk]

On 4/14/2020 at 11:01 PM, riclag said:

Did she have the same pediatrician all through her term? If so, pay them a visit at their clinic(not hospital). That doctor might be able to give some advise,if not,maybe  recommend a advocate . 

Yes, we had a great English speaking birthing doctor but he is not a paediatrician.  Both the English speaking paediatrician and the birthing doctor answered my question the same “if I put my baby in the middle of Sukhumvit and he is killed by a car, is it my fault for being a negligent parent?”  Answer, NO Buddha wanted that to happen.  
 

After this level of ignorance and stupidity I am now just trying to find a Thai government website that tells new mothers how to take care of their newborn babies.  I cannot find one.  I find this hard to believe that the Thai government doesn’t help ignorant farmers with a little 10-steps to healthy baby website.

 

Seems nobody really cares about SIDS as it doesn’t exist.  

 

FYI, I have been here for 23 years and really love Thailand but I find it hard to believe the level of stupidity.  
 

My wife. “Yes, I know that smartphones get better every year, but taking care of children hasn’t changed since Thailand was created and see how many babies we make.  And how can steam from a hot bath help a stuffed up baby - there is no hot water on the farm so that cannot work.”

 

 

[kwonitoy]

The one Isan tradition that drove me crazy.

 

Infant is laying flat and starts to choke/gag/cough

 

Me, pick infant up and carry in an upright position, perhaps head on shoulder lightly tapping his back.

 

Wife/Any Thai women present, rush over and blow on their forehead to drive away the evil spirits.

 

My son is now 8 years old, I was stressed the first year also, but kids are pretty resilient

 

You'll do just fine, how do I know? Because your worried about it.

[EVENKEEL]

Have they started the swinging cradle yet? My child's mother wasn't allowed to eat any meat except Pork, only pork for first 6 mos after birth. 

 

Pick your battles carefully, can't just be angry all the time. 

[kwonitoy]

I liked the swinging cradle thing, put the kid in there and bam out like a light.

[dubai thai farang]

I hear your concerns! as the father of a 2 year old I have experienced something vaguely similar. My wife is knowledgable on the subject and also pretty westernised. Before she moved to Dubai my wife was working in a big Singaporean IT company and is removed from this country culture way of thinking. The problem was her mum came over to Dubai to help for a few months and we had a very similar scenario. Despite  silently not agreeing with her mother, she would let these type of things happen to avoid confrontation etc. As the outsider (the man lol) you just have to stand by and make little changes as and when. Its not easy to bite your tongue as after swotting up on baby care you realise there are things happening that are completely the opposite of what you've read. People come over to say hi etc and you respond 'yes i know' as they whisper in your ear dont do this dont do that!.......Im glad i got through that!

Edited April 17, 2020 by dubai thai farang

[1FinickyOne]

On 4/16/2020 at 7:36 AM, kuzmabruk said:

I find it hard to believe the level of stupidity

Do you call your wife and her family stupid? It surely must show in your attitude and they are not too stupid not to pick up on condescending behavior... you will get nowhere with this approach. 

 

On 4/14/2020 at 10:32 PM, kuzmabruk said:

because Thai people figured that out 2500 years ago

she does have a point... there were things that I found to be taking unnecessary chances too, but I did what I could w/o insulting the family or their judgment and found ways to compromise... I did not win all the time.. but, the kid survived. 

[1FinickyOne]

On 4/16/2020 at 12:34 PM, EVENKEEL said:

Pick your battles carefully, can't just be angry all the time

great advice.... 

[kuzmabruk]

7 hours ago, kenk24 said:

Do you call your wife and her family stupid? It surely must show in your attitude and they are not too stupid not to pick up on condescending behavior... you will get nowhere with this approach. 

 

she does have a point... there were things that I found to be taking unnecessary chances too, but I did what I could w/o insulting the family or their judgment and found ways to compromise... I did not win all the time.. but, the kid survived. 

my wife taught me a lesson many years ago.   We were driving in Chaiyaphum and someone almost killed us by passing some traffic by moving in to our lane while they were headed towards us, not moving in the same direction as us, and they were staying in our lane forcing us to the shoulder.  I said “f‘ng monkey” and my wife said “that is very rude, <long pause>, monkeys are not that stupid.  He is a f’ng buffalo” and she uses that term buffalo to refer to family and friends that are ignorant, which as much as she uses it is everyone but her loving grandmother.

 

 

[Stese]

You should've been given a pink book detailing lose do's and don'ts by the Thai hospital and also when to go for vaccinations etc. It is available in English but I had to ask for it. You can read it together. There was another one the hospital gave us, White cover and only in Thai but lots of pictures again showing do's and don'ts. Because it is Thai maybe she will trust it more. I was impressed with the content. This was from a government hospital.

 

I have 9 month old daughter, my First child. It is natural to be very protective.

Edited April 17, 2020 by Stese

[1FinickyOne]

10 hours ago, kuzmabruk said:

my wife taught me a lesson many years ago.

you have a wise wife... the simple truth is that basically, you can insult your mother or your family member, but you should not insult someone else's nor they yours. 

 

And so many people on this forum will call their wife and their wife's relations stupid... they likely do this to their face too, then don't understand why they are not well received... and funny enough, their uneducated farm-girl wife has learned to speak some English while they cannot speak any Thai.. 

[phutoie2]

13 minutes ago, kenk24 said:

you have a wise wife... the simple truth is that basically, you can insult your mother or your family member, but you should not insult someone else's nor they yours. 

 

And so many people on this forum will call their wife and their wife's relations stupid... they likely do this to their face too, then don't understand why they are not well received... and funny enough, their uneducated farm-girl wife has learned to speak some English while they cannot speak any Thai.. 

Yet another Mr Thailand here explaining Thai culture and how to deal with our extended families.

Please spare us such drivel.

[BritManToo]

27 minutes ago, kenk24 said:

And so many people on this forum will call their wife and their wife's relations stupid... they likely do this to their face too, then don't understand why they are not well received... and funny enough, their uneducated farm-girl wife has learned to speak some English while they cannot speak any Thai.. 

Stupid is a relative comparison, compared to you your Thai relatives may not be stupid.

Being able to speak several languages is not any indication of intelligence, my 8 year old can speak 3 languages, but his teachers say he's a bit stupid (even though they can only speak Thai).

High intelligence is more to do with problem solving and original thought.

 

Back to the OP,

I'm not sure your wife and her family are wrong.

Child rearing is heavily connected to culture and tradition.

Who is to say western culture is any better for child rearing than Thai culture?

Our culture has become one where it's entirely acceptable for a woman to kill her own child while in the womb.

You do seem to be confusing child rearing with modern medical care, Thai maternity units are very good.

Cot death is unrelated to suffocation by cuddly toys.

Edited April 18, 2020 by BritManToo

[Pilotman]

18 hours ago, dubai thai farang said:

I hear your concerns! as the father of a 2 year old I have experienced something vaguely similar. My wife is knowledgable on the subject and also pretty westernised. Before she moved to Dubai my wife was working in a big Singaporean IT company and is removed from this country culture way of thinking. The problem was her mum came over to Dubai to help for a few months and we had a very similar scenario. Despite  silently not agreeing with her mother, she would let these type of things happen to avoid confrontation etc. As the outsider (the man lol) you just have to stand by and make little changes as and when. Its not easy to bite your tongue as after swotting up on baby care you realise there are things happening that are completely the opposite of what you've read. People come over to say hi etc and you respond 'yes i know' as they whisper in your ear dont do this dont do that!.......Im glad i got through that!

We had our daughter 22 years ago.  I did the opposite of what you are advising.  I sat my new Thai wife down and read the riot act on what should and should not happen with the child (having brought up 2 others with my late first wife). I was not prepared to stand back and pussy foot around when the child's wellbeing was at risk. She took it all in good part and we didn't have any real issues.  The kid just graduated from her UK University so she survived okay. 

Edited April 18, 2020 by Pilotman

[Relocated]

I admire op's courage not only to marry her but also to produce offspring. 

I rather challenge to climb Mountain Everest than marry............... 

[1FinickyOne]

1 hour ago, phutoie2 said:

Yet another Mr Thailand here explaining Thai culture and how to deal with our extended families.

Please spare us such drivel.

not 2 words of Thai? huh?

[FritsSikkink]

4 hours ago, Retarded said:

I admire op's courage not only to marry her but also to produce offspring. 

I rather challenge to climb Mountain Everest than marry............... 

Marriage is fine when you have a good wife.

[dubai thai farang]

On 4/18/2020 at 5:58 AM, Pilotman said:

We had our daughter 22 years ago.  I did the opposite of what you are advising.  I sat my new Thai wife down and read the riot act on what should and should not happen with the child (having brought up 2 others with my late first wife). I was not prepared to stand back and pussy foot around when the child's wellbeing was at risk. She took it all in good part and we didn't have any real issues.  The kid just graduated from her UK University so she survived okay. 

HI I think you had the advantage of already having had 2 children in the past so you had your own experience to draw on. I guess was talking about those first 3 months where its mum doing most of the work. pointing out mistakes didn't go down well at the time. once I was used more to take care of the baby (was working a lot at the time) we've made a few adjustments.