Domestic Violence

[girlx]

married and lives in a foreign country where her husband beats the crap out of her, rips her clothes off her when he fights with her in front of his male siblings (and their children), has been known to force her to bathe outside, and locks her in a room where the neighbors bring her food through a window. Her kids on the other hand are as rotten as whatever, and actually rat their mother out, when people feed her.

man sometimes i am overwhelmed by how much bad there seems to be in this world.

[bina]

i have to say that many of us stay(ed) in bad relationships due to fear of 'what we would do if we left'> most of the women i know are foreigners in the country i am in, and we all thought we would find it very difficult to survive on our own financially, and going back home (as was discussed in a thread about old men) would be impossible for the same reasons (no insurance benefits, no house, no job,kids, not really in 'the system' anymore, and back to parents?!! its a no go....)

friends of mine have a friend who put in thousands of shekels to get visa permits etc for a jordanian man (this is israel! so was a court case and everything), got him here (she's ex american, intelligent, hard working, career), then both moved to the states where the man promptly used all her savings to buy expensive car, house, etc. once broke, he couldnt find a job, the relationship fell apart and she came back here, to a one room rental, walk to work, type lifestyle. (he also has a jordanian 'arranged' marriage but not registered anywhere, wife lives with family). recently she phoned to say they went back to the states, TOGETHER! in spite of debts, and problems...

you really really have to wonder about that... and we did try intervention and the husband was very very aggressively angry that his wife asked help from the outside (dirty laundry stays in the family sort of thing); fortunately his family doesnt live here either...

on the other hand, i also waited a long time for sort of the same reasoning: fear of the unknown, which turned out to be less problematic then i thought at the time... and i also tread cautiously since my ex's family all live more or less with me (same community) so could have become very problematic if they werent supportive (thanx to grandkids).

[girlx]

well i for one would never put myself in a position where i had to depend on the guy i was with (unless i had some accident or something). i always make sure i have a backup. women should think about this before they get involved.

[Boo]

i agree with you girlx but this IMO, comes with age & experience, if you marry young you may be more niave at the time & not expect the relationship to break down years down the line but by the time it becomes apparent that this relationship isn't working it is probably (usually?) then too late to start protecting yourself financially.

One of the major reasons we moved back to the UK 3 years ago was to get on the property ladder, the house we now own (or the bank does!!) is solely in my name & my husband is happy with that, he knows it is my & our sons security if things goe wrong with him & me but this year we are also buying land in his home town which will be his solely for the same reason.

[bina]

girlx: i am assertive, independant, etc etc etc and i did exactly that cause i didnt really think too far forward; so there u have it, divorced, +3, broke *previous hubby took our money since kibbutz pays the equivalent of patrimony for the kids although it is not a realistic up to date reality check amount* and i had no savings or house or anything in the states... and dont expect aging parents to give more then mental support and the odd $$ to grandkids... and remarried to a dirt poor thai foreign worker... not exactly a recipe for financial success... and older and less naive know.... what we know now we should have known then but didnt even if we were told....

bina

[girlx]

yeah i suppose someone coming from different circumstances wouldn't necessarily think the same way i do or have learned the same lessons, but i have been financially (and otherwise) independent since age 14. & i also have no plans to get married ever. i hope other younger women who might read this will think about any relationship they are in from now on and make sure that if the s*** hits the fan they have somewhere to go. especially in thailand, there are a lot of stupid, very young girls hooking up with thai guys who will never respect them, and they find themselves in a bad position pretty quickly. how many parents would faint if they knew the truth about their daughters' experiences in thailand?

[Ave]

Koh Chang is still like that...

(sorry, I realise it's an old post)

Somebody nearly died there last year. Friends disappeared, the neighbours pretended that nothing happened. A brave farang lent a hand begrudgingly and showed no compassion toward the victim. When the police put their bottle of lao kao down, got off their lazy <deleted> and decided to intervene a few hours later, they just laughed at the victim and walk away saying "sia welaa".. Members of the local authorities were informed but they didn't take any action. Not even a fatality would actually shake some people to take responsibilty toward taking action for the sake of other fellow human beings' safety. I guess it's also a cultural thing to stay passive and try not to get contaminated by others' bad karma.

yeah- i don't know if it is the norm in general but it seems to be the majority where i live now, and also where i lived before (koh chang).

[girlx]

I guess it's also a cultural thing to stay passive and try not to get contaminated by others' bad karma.

ah that sort of explains what i was saying on another thread, which is that my neighbors and supposed "friends" here in thailand have shown a complete reluctance to help out when i have had crazy thais come at me. i don't like this attitude at all, and if the tables were turned i would always try to help as much as i could without actually taking the blows myself.

p.s. curious, do you know which beach on koh chang that was?

Edited August 4, 2007 by girlx

[kat]

I guess it's also a cultural thing to stay passive and try not to get contaminated by others' bad karma.

ah that sort of explains what i was saying on another thread, which is that my neighbors and supposed "friends" here in thailand have shown a complete reluctance to help out when i have had crazy thais come at me. i don't like this attitude at all, and if the tables were turned i would always try to help as much as i could without actually taking the blows myself.

How interesting, especially when I hear and have seen Thais form a group to defend another Thai, regardless of whether they are right or not. I find the fact that your friends and neighbors didn't support you at the time of danger deeply disturbing.

As for the rest of the thread, you are asking the right questions and thinking the right thoughts, girlx; good on you.

Sadly, though, it may take your friend a while to come out of this, if she does at all. Be supportive when she needs support. That's all you can do.

[Boo]

girlx I would seriously rethink your idea of freindship if these people you class as freinds never defend or look after you in times of trouble.

Many times when I was single my male thai friends (who I have now known for 10+ years) would keep agrro away from me & a quiet word to the couple of stalkers I did manage to pick up sorted them right out. My husband put some little shit thai guy on his ass at a party for making a dirty comment in thai about a girlfriend of ours from Sweden, this guy was there with a lot of his mates & hubby only had a couple of his mates there but it didnt matter, this was our friend & she needed to be looked after. Once hubby kicked off the guys mates all backed off & dragged him away as even they knew it was out of order. The guy later came back bent over double in a wai to hubby. To this day neither me or the girl in question knows exactly what was said, my husband wont repeat it and it is the ONLY time I have seen his get into any kind of fight but IMO the least you should expect from your friends is for them to have your back & keep the idiots away. If they dont want to or dont' seem to care then time for some new friends I think.

[girlx]

yes definitely i have reconsidered my supposed "friendship" with these people. in my country, if a woman was living alone, people would normally be very solicitous and protective of her. here it's like they see it as all the more reason to give me trouble. it's not everyone where i live of course, but the ones who immediately surround me seem to be bad examples of humanity and are starting to make me feel really bitter. i am going to take a break for a bit and when i come back i'll hang out with the people who are happier people and seem to care more about humans than money, or whatever it is they are after.

[Boo]

good move. Just cut loose the pricks & users & better people will come your way I'm sure. Maybe the decent ones stay away because of the company around you?

A little story....

When I first arrived I hung around with a couple of beach guys (before I knew what that meant) & thought we had a nice platonic freindship growing till one of the girls at the bunglow resteraunt asked me when I was moving in with my boyfriend. Naturally confused I asked who my bf was & it turned out one of these guys had been telling anyone who would listen that we were a couple & that we had slept together alredy & were moving in & then going to the UK!!!! Amazingly I had not known him more than a few weeks & none of it was true so I confronted him & he turned nasty.

I basically threatened to kneecap him if he even looked at me again (I had temper issues back then) & never spoke to him again.

A few days later I got talking with a thai guy doing henna on the beach who introduced me to his English gf & we all became freinds, he later told me that he had wanted to talk with me for a while but saw I hung out with these guys & didn't want to get involved with them & it was only after the waitress told him what had been happeneing that he decided to approach me. I am glad he did, we have been mates for 10 years & he has been to the UK many times to visit with his gf (different one from first) staying with me & hubby & I know I could trust him with my new born son if I needed to.

[geriatrickid]

I do not dispute the fact that domestic & spousal abuse is a concern everywhere. In this specific case, the information you have provided causes me to ask whether or not this isn't really about your own issues and possible projections. Maybe your intentions are indeed good, but a close reading of your story raises several troublesome issues and inconsistencies.

in my experience about 70% of the thai men with farang girlfriends or wives that i know beat their partner regularly.

Appreciably, domestic abuse cuts across all social classes, but you seem to associating with a violent prone population segment. None of my Thai friends is abusive to a degree of using violence. However, I know that there is domestic abuse in Thailand.

He was a monk for 11 years.

Although, in some temples, the younger monks may be abused and he may have learnt his behaviour through that, I find it difficult to accept that a mature monk would be this violent. After 11 yr's of devotions, he would have reached a point of non-violence in his life. Violence in monks is usually exhibited in those that are young and that have not assimilated the teachings of Buddha.

The girl is really ignorant- she grew up in a very religious family in england, went to bible school, very conservative and traditional, doesn't know much at all about the real world, never mind thai culture. she got pregnant early in her life, but never married her child's father. she came on holiday with her kid (now 7) to thailand 2 years ago- met this thai guy, and never returned home.

This can be seen as a bit of projection here. Is she somehow ignorant because she had a child out of wedlock? If that's the case, then the growing numbers of common law relationships in the world should be considered equally ignorant. Is she ignorant because she went to a religious bible school in England? I went to a Church of England school and have enough university diplomas to paper a wall. I am also an agnostic. I also find it difficult to believe that a Thai male from a well-connected family would marry someone beneath his social standing. Large amounts of cash are not the only factor that determines social status in Thailand.

her kid has been going to the local thai school ('god' help him),

The local education will serve him well if he is to become part of the social fabric and learn the Thai language. The child will have local friends. I see nothing wrong with attending the local school system, particularly since a large part of early education is meant to instill social and general life skills. I make this comment from my own experience of having gone through a rigorous early education and realizing it was a waste of time and money. Many of my colleagues attended rudimentary one-room schools and they are competent professionals today.

her father has given his family enough money to build 5 houses on his land that he can rent out in future. i am quite convinced this is the only reason why a thai guy from a big traditional family would be allowed to married a farang girl with a child.

You are convinced, but if the husband has money as you state, why would he need a hand out from the father in law? If the girl does indeed come from a religious conservative family, I have to wonder how her father, who would be conservative and religious would willingly hand over sums of cash to someone like this. It doesn't make sense.

he is the most horrifically controlling person i have ever met (and i come from a background of abuse).

Bingo. Perhaps your own experience is prejudicing the situation. What you may consider horrifically controlling may not be.

she is an emotional wreck and recently put herself on prozac out of desperation (which he snatched away from her and refused to let her take).

If the husband desired a compliant quiet woman, he would have encouraged the Prozac use. If anything his actions suggest one of a caring individual. Non physician prescribed medications are dangerous. Having a slow confused victim is what an abuser desires.

i have known for a long time this guy was at least emotionally abusive to her, but have just now gotten evidence that he is also physically abusive, and possibly sexually abusive.

A heavy accusation. Again, is the there actual evidence or is this a situation of seeing what you perceive to be rather than what really exists.

i know this is not really my business, and i am trying not to get involved (especially since it is the biggest family where i live), but i have spent a good portion of my life trying to deal with my own abuse (and succeeding), and i really feel i should use my own experience to try to help this girl see there is a big problem and it is not her fault,

A very telling statement. Herein we see the origins of the "abusive" situation. Your life may have had abuse and you may have done a wonderful job of dealing with it, but your own perceptions, fostered by your own negative experiences, mab ye the actual source of the "abuse".

I acknowledge that domestic abuse is a horrible reality, but in this specific case, I have to question the reliability of the actual facts of the case. One of the most telling characteristics of those with emotional or substance abuse problems is that there is a desire to help others in perceived similar situations. The outreach is not motivated by true altruism, but is a means by which those with the problems can help themselves. Often, problems can be unintentionally exaggerated or embellished to facilitate the need for intervention.

What I have written may be interpreted as cold or callous but it is a possibility that must be addressed.

[girlx]

uh...okayyyy...... ?!?!

it must be all in my head then. (!) moron.

[Goinghomesoon]

Girlx has the opportunity arisen lately for you to talk to the woman you initially posted about? Hope the information here was useful. As a relative newbie to Thailand I found it very enlightening and glad women are banding together to discuss some of the tough stuff.

[Ave]

It was on Bangbao pier. Now other terrible things of other nature are still happening there but the victims are pretending that they can deal with them by themselves and maybe they'll manage I sincerely hope. As I understand, there are a few ladies around the island who have been screwed up by somebody quite badly, some are better now, some have left for good and others don't say anything and put up with some kind of abuse from time to time.

It is true that we should always respect the local traditions and beliefs and it's part of this passive, laid back attitude to avoid conflict and let events follow their course, BUT I would still intervene to help, just like you, no matter how many times I'd have to get up in the middle of the night to do so. We are talking about somebody's life being in danger. And sometimes you feel you should stay and deal with the situation rather than run away from it, give it your best shot to improve it although you might not be a psychiatric specialist. It worked quite well for me. no comment about guns, weapons and the likes. Martial arts could be of help for self defence of course. As other people have mentioned, the power of your mind can be a lot stronger, you can change circumstances if you try out different approaches and make this person even feel reassured by your confidence.

I guess it's also a cultural thing to stay passive and try not to get contaminated by others' bad karma.

ah that sort of explains what i was saying on another thread, which is that my neighbors and supposed "friends" here in thailand have shown a complete reluctance to help out when i have had crazy thais come at me. i don't like this attitude at all, and if the tables were turned i would always try to help as much as i could without actually taking the blows myself.

p.s. curious, do you know which beach on koh chang that was?

[girlx]

hmm i knew a couple of girls who were beat by their (thai) boyfriends on koh chang as well, but they were on lonely beach. disturbing that it happens so often. i feel like a lot of it is thai men's expectations of women as being subservient and blind to their philanderings. farangs just are not, so they try to beat them into submission. this type of man should not be dating a foreign woman.

[canadiangirl]

hmm i knew a couple of girls who were beat by their (thai) boyfriends on koh chang as well, but they were on lonely beach. disturbing that it happens so often. i feel like a lot of it is thai men's expectations of women as being subservient and blind to their philanderings. farangs just are not, so they try to beat them into submission. this type of man should not be dating a foreign woman.

This type of man should not be dating any woman!

[Ave]

or rather.... no woman should be dating this kind of man

However, as the general trend of farang women dating Asian men is on the increase the only option is to get well informed and be prepared..

[MyPenRye]

I caution anyone reading these kinds of anecdotal posts where the woman is a saint and the man is a monster.

Obviously he will never have a chance to defend himself too!

Women are well known to use psychological abuse that never gets punished. Studies proves this time and time again. And judging by some of the visceral and emotional (if not abusive) responses from some women about posts who questions the veracity and credibility of such anecdote, one can easily figure out that the ones who blame abuse are themselves abusive, ironically.

Obviously if he is the monster he is, she should have seen this early on, but was probably so blind by lust (aptly brainwashed by years of listening to maindless romantic songs and watching mindless romantic movies) not to see it.

If this guy was a monk for 11 years and does this, one would question the teaching he got. Either that particular monastery is to be put in question or the whole religion is. Can monks have sexual relationships during their time away?

Edited August 13, 2007 by MyPenRye

[Ave]

We are not talking about any woman or any man here. These are real facts, not anecdotes. - I don't know how lust has anything to do with all this but anyway... I also know of Thai males who have been mentally or physically abused by western females, although, I admit I don't know that many. We cannot deny that there is a clear pattern here. Despite of hearing of mixed couples being very happy together, which makes me so happy and hopeful, there are also many who are not having exactly a great time and some of them are risking their life, let alone their happiness, whether they are couples or neighbours. It is important for all of us to encourage and show empathy, sometimes that also means to be understandingly a little bit biased, a bit like when we hear a friend who's just had a bad experience wiht a partner, saying "bloody men!" or "bloody women!"). Of course we all know that wisdom, goodness and many other things know no gender barrier. It is the necessary to use our mistakes to help others build wisdom for ourselves and them, even if that means having to hear that we were blind, we deserved it, we were stupid, weak and so on. It's easy to misunderstand other cultures and other people's feelings and real intentions, especially through a thread of mainly strangers exchanging ideas and opinions. I still say or act in a way that makes some Thais laugh or frown. But these very people are my friends just as much as western friends, they help me understand our differencies and I do the same about my culture. We have an open dialogue. That's why my friendship with them and my violent ex-boyfriend is just as deep as the ones I have wtih non Thais.

I thought I'd be safe with a very religious guy who had been in retreat for a long time, stopped the drinks and the sigarettes when he met me, was very faithful and protective of me and his family. I saw him going through such a radical change, he reconciliated wtih his mum, started looking at life with the eyes of a person who has just realised how wonderful living is. I 'zapped' him and got him going happier and happier. a deep happiness. Problem is he didn't know himself well enough yet to deal with all this and what was to come. I must have pressed the wrong button (it always takes 2 to tango...) and had to think about plan b very quickly. He turned out to be the most dangerous person I've ever met in my entire life. He, himself, could not believe what was happening to him. Later on I managed to find out about his well concealed family history characterised by disturbingly violent behaviour by the father's part.

As far as I have learnt, I understand that to be a monk for a long time doesn't necessarily mean to be following the right path, as they call it. The same applies for priests and the likes in other religions. Knowledge is definitely not wisdom.

It is possible that the way my guy was studying and practicing his meditation made him trap all the negative feelings of insicurity and anger inside without letting them be channelled and released in a constructive way. On the contrary, he kept everything in and pushed it even more deeply inside brewing stronger. He refused to open his eyes and face the truth about the nature of his life. Forcing yourself not to be free to express your feelings, good or bad they might be, can be even more harmful. A lot of people who are suffering from psychological problems usually refuse to take responsibility for their own life and often and unfairly end up being isolated and fall victim of prejudice. They don't stand a chance to improve.

I often wondered why we meet certain individuals and what causes changes in them once our life intertwines with theirs. I guess that the answer has always been there inside for me to see. In order to be happy I had to deal with and overcome some unresolved issues with firm determination and compassion. I got out stronger and happier than before and we both have benefited from the experience. Of course there is still a long road to travel but confidence destroy fears and makes the journey easier.

I caution anyone reading these kinds of anecdotal posts where the woman is a saint and the man is a monster.

Obviously if he is the monster he is, she should have seen this early on, but was probably so blind by lust (aptly brainwashed by years of listening to maindless romantic songs and watching mindless romantic movies) not to see it.

If this guy was a monk for 11 years and does this, one would question the teaching he got. Either that particular monastery is to be put in question or the whole religion is. Can monks have sexual relationships during their time away?

[j0j0]

Can I just add, MyPenRye, that I am not sure whay you are posting in this women's forum if you are going to make statements such as this:

Obviously if he is the monster he is, she should have seen this early on, but was probably so blind by lust (aptly brainwashed by years of listening to maindless romantic songs and watching mindless romantic movies) not to see it.

It indicates (to me at least) that you cannot credit women with intelligence and free will, and blame the abused woman for staying in the relationship rather than the abuser. I personally find that offensive and I would appreciate it if you refrained from posting such (in my opinion) tosh in future. This is a public forum and you are of course allowed to have and express an opinion, but this partucular sub forum is where the ladies are supposed to be able to get away from statements like this.

[madjbs]

So you’re saying no women can be blinded by lust? All women have the highest level of intelligence, of common sense? I always thought women were normal humans!

It seems a perfectly acceptable comment to me and im certain this has happened to many girls when they fell in love for the first time (my cousin being one).

[girlx]

i think it's irrelevant that she might have been blinded by lust or anything else. there is no excuse for any man terrorizing a woman.

[kat]

I caution anyone reading these kinds of anecdotal posts where the woman is a saint and the man is a monster.

Obviously he will never have a chance to defend himself too!

Women are well known to use psychological abuse that never gets punished. Studies proves this time and time again. And judging by some of the visceral and emotional (if not abusive) responses from some women about posts who questions the veracity and credibility of such anecdote, one can easily figure out that the ones who blame abuse are themselves abusive, ironically.

Obviously if he is the monster he is, she should have seen this early on, but was probably so blind by lust (aptly brainwashed by years of listening to maindless romantic songs and watching mindless romantic movies) not to see it.

If this guy was a monk for 11 years and does this, one would question the teaching he got. Either that particular monastery is to be put in question or the whole religion is. Can monks have sexual relationships during their time away?

This thread is about a woman getting beaten and totally threatened and bullied by her husband until her self-worth has vanished. If anything, women who are brainwashed by "mindless romantic movies and songs" or religion, or culture, or their HUSBANDS, are the ones most likely to suffer such abuse.

This isn't to say that men cannot be abused by women, or that women are not abusive. What we are talking about here are women who ARE abused by their husbands. If you can't participate in that discussion, you have the whole rest of the forum.

[Ave]

The child is certainly piggy in the middle and must be protected. He should not pay for his parents weaknesses, because it's seems that both are in the wrong for different reasons. Perhaps he would be better off staying with the grandmother on the other side of the island. According to my personal experience and to what others have already said, until she touches rock bottom and realises by herself what's really going on she won't change her situation. There is definitely a big risk in staying there of course because it will only get worse. I was lucky to get email support and help over the phone. My friends were very angry with me for putting up with such abuse and that in a way encouraged me to get out of it quickly. As mentioned by other fellow thaivisa members getting in touch with a supportive organisation might help a little. Is it possible to contact her family in the UK and tell them what's happening? There is a need for making a lot of noise here..nothing left to loose really..

[Jersey_UK]

OK, I am a bloke and no direct experiance of Domestic Violence - but my advice to OP is to offer a practical way out.....but make it clear that any help you are presently offering is because you presently can - but warn her that this might not always be the case - your circumstances can change. (Money / Family commitments etc). It may help her crystalise her thoughts into action to exit the situation sooner rather than later.

Remember that some people and situations are simply not resolvable (no matter how simple they appear (are??!!) to an outsider), and getting emotionally dragged in to someone else's disasterous life does no favours for yourself / your family..........perhaps a harsher attitude than some, but each to their own

[girlx]

just to update, the situation hasn't changed. the woman is still with her husband and has now dropped out of society as far as i can tell. i rarely see her around the village anymore and when i do she barely nods. i think she feels ashamed that i and my friends know about her situation. i sent her links to help organizations in thailand and gave her advice that she should talk to her parents when they visit here (soon), but that is all i am willing to do as i live long term in the same village and don't want problems with her husband's family.

[DaggerEyes]

Physical, verbal, emotional - all kinds of abuse has a deep effect on a human being. If you look at the surface you see the suffering of the individual, but what about its future impact on a person's life? This things take away one's innocence, one's self-esteem; something very important, essentially what makes you human. I believe that there's no absolute heal for victims of abuse. There will always be scars reminding you of hel_l, wounds that will never heal.

There is no absolute help, but loving an abused person means a lot. Don't judge them, just accept them and show them that you care. These things will mean a lot.

[Ave]

You are right. And I definitely think that the human mind has far more power than we think. It's a very positive thought that keeps me striving.

Let's picture what the cause for pushing a person into the submissive position of the victim could be.

I know mine quite well now but it took me nearly thirty years to understand why I was surrounded by abuse, sometime in disguise, and how to wisen up to change the scenery so that I could become a happy person. The answer was very simple: I lacked self-respect and I would not admit it to myself.

Also more victims who think they are too weak and keep thinking they are not worth feelign better do not work on getting stronger from the beginning and therefore will encourage more abuse. Some people are so used to receive all kinds of verbal/physical violence that they revel in situations like the one in question. Same for the abuser in terms of inflicting. They don't know any better. There is no judging here, I have been victim of violence too. Just trying to examine the situation. In my case I had to solve domestic violence and sexual abuse issues only when I opened a big can of worms at home less than three years ago. I was in a very vulnerable state trying to come to terms with my new shocking discovery not to mention the havoc I caused in my family before I left for Thailand. When I attracted a similar situation with my last partner I realised that I had to take responsibility and stop feeling sorry for myself. I was letting the abuse happen again because it was familiar to me, it goes back to my childhood. We tend to resist change and go back to familiar patterns but after all that's a bad habit of human nature to ensure a false feeling of security.

I have come to realise that I often understimated my potential and decided that I had to start by learning to love and understand the abuser rather than show hostility and fuel hate into the relationship. I gave all the compassion I had to both my abusers and they naturally changed and improved.

Loving an abuser would definitely be much harder than loving the abused. Maybe seven or eight out of ten have been victims of abuse themself, anyway, let's not forget that. That's why I think that to break the chain we should aim at healing the abuser and be able to have compassion for them. However, I believe that the abuser will definitely struggle much more than the abused to heal all the scars..

PS: sorry for letting out personal details but if they can be of some help..good!

Physical, verbal, emotional - all kinds of abuse has a deep effect on a human being. If you look at the surface you see the suffering of the individual, but what about its future impact on a person's life? This things take away one's innocence, one's self-esteem; something very important, essentially what makes you human. I believe that there's no absolute heal for victims of abuse. There will always be scars reminding you of hel_l, wounds that will never heal.

There is no absolute help, but loving an abused person means a lot. Don't judge them, just accept them and show them that you care. These things will mean a lot.