Hello, I am new to the forum and need some major advice about my boyfriend and his family. I thought it would be best to ask the ladies of the forum first.

A little background on us first. We are both in our mid 20's, he is a couple years older than me. We met at university here in Canada, my home country. He is over here studying, getting graduate degrees, as there are worth more than a degree back in Thailand. We have been dating for a little while now, and his family has known about me for quite some time, but never actually met me.

Last week, they flew over to Canada for the first time to visit him. He already told me that they do not approve of the "idea" of me. They do not like the fact that their only son is dating a white, non-thai women. Everytime they talk to him on the phone they are always telling him to break up with me.

So anyways, they came over here and it was horrible. I spoke to them in thai

and english, and they wouldn't even look at me or speak to me. For the whole trip, his mother wouldn't even look at me. When we went out to eat, they would just read and not even look up from the table. My boyfriend would talk to me and try to get them to talk, but they wouldn't.

So after being treated so cold for the entire trip, I thought it would be best if my boyfriend took them to the airport by himself to say goodbye. There he told them off again, telling them that they were extremely rude and disrespectful and that we both didn't deserve this kind of treatment. His mother threw a fit. She started crying and saying how her trip to Canada had been ruined and that she only cared about one thing, that the girls he dates/marries are thai. Her main concerns are that if he marries a non-thai, they'll have no extended family in thailand, and that his kids won't learn thai, and that since I'm not not thai, I will never fit in. So, she wants him to break up with me now.

So, now my boyfriend is stuck between a rock and a hard place. I told him that we don't have to make any decisions now. We're still; going to live in Canada for the next couple of years, and he's not going to find some thai girl here to marry. We're not engaged, having kids, getting married anytime soon, etc. But I'm afraid if we can't at least try to fix this problem, we're going to break up over it eventually.

He has great respect for his parents, at this is the first time in his life that he has stood up to them, at least partly.

So, with all the elder respect in Thai culture, how do we get around this?

Has anyone else had problems with overbearing Thai parents?

Edited June 16, 200719 yr by CanadianGirl2

By any chance is your boyfriend Sino-Thai? This sounds more like a problem that is experienced in Chinese than Thai families.

I had the same problem back in the early 1970s except that the discrimination/racism came from my mother. The girlfriend was Chinese from Hong Kong living in Saskatoon, where we met, and I am from Toronto.

Anyway, I have run into quite a few Chinese families over the years who do not want their children to marry whites, Japanese, Thais, Malays, blacks and so on.

Also, this could be a status issue. If the family is Chinese, they might be very wealthy, and have in mind for the son to marry someone from an equally wealthy Chinese family.

Or the parents might have read horror stories about independent-minded women from the west whose marriages usually end up in messy divorces in which the man has to cough up extravagant sums of money.

Thus, this could be cultural, financial, status and many other issues combined.

Ask your boyfriend to be brutally honest.

And, if you live in Toronto, remember there will be a Thai festival at New City Hall on 14-15 July!

Good luck to you!

Hello, I am new to the forum and need some major advice about my boyfriend and his family. I thought it would be best to ask the ladies of the forum first.

A little background on us first. We are both in our mid 20's, he is a couple years older than me. We met at university here in Canada, my home country. He is over here studying, getting graduate degrees, as there are worth more than a degree back in Thailand. We have been dating for a little while now, and his family has known about me for quite some time, but never actually met me.

Last week, they flew over to Canada for the first time to visit him. He already told me that they do not approve of the "idea" of me. They do not like the fact that their only son is dating a white, non-thai women. Everytime they talk to him on the phone they are always telling him to break up with me.

So anyways, they came over here and it was horrible. I spoke to them in thai

and english, and they wouldn't even look at me or speak to me. For the whole trip, his mother wouldn't even look at me. When we went out to eat, they would just read and not even look up from the table. My boyfriend would talk to me and try to get them to talk, but they wouldn't.

So after being treated so cold for the entire trip, I thought it would be best if my boyfriend took them to the airport by himself to say goodbye. There he told them off again, telling them that they were extremely rude and disrespectful and that we both didn't deserve this kind of treatment. His mother threw a fit. She started crying and saying how her trip to Canada had been ruined and that she only cared about one thing, that the girls he dates/marries are thai. Her main concerns are that if he marries a non-thai, they'll have no extended family in thailand, and that his kids won't learn thai, and that since I'm not not thai, I will never fit in. So, she wants him to break up with me now.

So, now my boyfriend is stuck between a rock and a hard place. I told him that we don't have to make any decisions now. We're still; going to live in Canada for the next couple of years, and he's not going to find some thai girl here to marry. We're not engaged, having kids, getting married anytime soon, etc. But I'm afraid if we can't at least try to fix this problem, we're going to break up over it eventually.

He has great respect for his parents, at this is the first time in his life that he has stood up to them, at least partly.

So, with all the elder respect in Thai culture, how do we get around this?

Has anyone else had problems with overbearing Thai parents?

Here lies your answer:  TRT  'Thai Love Thai' Party:  the name says it all.  Think about it , imagine a political part in Canada called the CLC 

Canadian Love Canadian Party.  Pehaps his parent  are supporters of the

now defuncted  TRT.

Edited June 16, 200719 yr by observer21

Think about it , imagine a political part in Canada called the CLC

Canadian Love Canadian Party.

ha! or ALA- "Americans Love Americans".

i don't think that is the whole reason though. Thai kids are brought up to take care of their parents financially, while westerners are not.

Think about it , imagine a political part in Canada called the CLC

Canadian Love Canadian Party.

ha! or ALA- "Americans Love Americans".

i don't think that is the whole reason though. Thai kids are brought up to take care of their parents financially, while westerners are not.

Yes, but this guys family must be fairly well off as he is studying in Canada and they are visiting him.  I was going to say they soud a bit racist - but then i stoped to think a while.

They may be just older and wiser and they understand that mixed race marraiges/relaitonships have a good chance of failure.

However, the cold shoulder stuff is just childish and ignorant - not the kind of inlaws

one would really wish for.  

How do mixed marriages have a good chance of failure? Enlighten me. Where you from Texas?

Damian

How do mixed marriages have a good chance of failure? Enlighten me. Where you from Texas?

Damian

Well i sure aint from no darn Texas maam.  Why do you think i am from Texas?

Mixed marraiges fail much more than same race - it is a fact.

Why you ask.  Cultural differences mostly.

Very difficult!

I can only say, if it was my parents I'll just say goodbye.

Sorry about your situation.

Mixed marraiges fail much more than same race - it is a fact.

Why you ask. Cultural differences mostly.

If this is such a well known fact then perhaps you can back it up with something more than opinion?

Mixed marraiges fail much more than same race - it is a fact.

Why you ask. Cultural differences mostly.

If this is such a well known fact then perhaps you can back it up with something more than opinion?

Well my opinion is bases on the fact that everyone i know who married a thai is now single.  But i suppose you want more,  well if you go to: www.married.to.foreigners/but now.back.out.with.the. lads.com   you will see the exact statistics

In other words you are basing this entirely upon your own failure.

Maybe you aren't the best one to be giving advice then.

The OP is asking for advice, not adolescent bickering. Be civil or be quiet.

Who is bickering? Someone made a statement, I asked him to back it up. No harsh words or flaming used by either party.

My take on this is that the OP is very level headed and pragmatic , and her partner isn't doing so bad either.

Reading the account of the prospective in-laws behaviour I am appalled.

Admittedly this does not bode well but both of you strike me as mature enough to resolve this amicably. I just think this will be hard to do as it looks like his parents seem to be determined to force a "her or us" decision. You (OP) have to stick resolutely to the position that their behaviour/attitude is unacceptable.

I wish you both the very best of luck.

PS

Teddy bear

If you think you see smoke should you throw water or gasoline ?

If the OP is patient then perhaps waiting to see if the parents give up their opposition may be beneficial. Thais have a need to put the best face on everything, and if the bf's mother thinks she's not going to win the battle of getting rid of you, she may just do a 180 degree turn and start looking at you completely differently. It will help now that your bf has begun to stand up to her, and maybe he can begin to "sell" the idea of you rather than just being silent.

Observer, it was a joke.... figured you were out burning crosses on peoples front lawns and stuff with the rest of your hooded friends down in good ol Texas because it sounded like you have something against mixed marriages. Or perhaps something against people mixing bloodlines and impurifying the master race heh.

Marrying a Thai and marrying someone of a different race are 2 completely different things. If marriages to Thais dont seem to work out that is NOT a good reflection of mixed marriages. And marrying a bar girl and then wondering why it didnt work out is not a good example either...... if that is the kind of examples you were talking about.

CanadianGirl, hi, Im Canadian too, anyway.... seriously, this is a good test, if your man can't do the right thing by you in this situation then it is for the best and you should kick him to the curb. Men need to be MEN and stand up to their parents if they are being outrageous and racist. Think about this from our perspective, if a white Canadian mans parents forbid him from dating his new black girlfriend would that be acceptable in even a tiny itty bitty way? NO Freaking way. Don't bend even a little, his parents are way out of line and your dude should act accordingly.

Damian

Hi there Canadiangirl

Its hard to imagine people behaving so immaturely and narrow mindedly towards somebody that their own flesh and blood cares for but unfortunately this behaviour does occur (as you have witnessed).

Coming from a male perspective, I had a similar experience with my in laws when I started dating my Thai girlfriend but it wasn't quite as brunt as your experience.

Nether the less, it was made clear that they did not approve of their daughter dating a non Thai person and their hope was that our relationship wouldn't last.

Our difference in situation is that we are living in Thailand whereas you are in Canada and the biggest fear for my in laws was that I would 'whisk' their daughter off to another country never to be seen again hence the opposition to our relationship.

This may be the crux of your in laws opposition ... they may fear that their son may never return from the land of bears and lumberjacks, his heart kidnapped by the evil canuck.

From my own experience 'time' was the answer ... our relationship continued and they had no choice but to conceed that their daughter was happy and we eventually got married.

I just stuck around like that ugly vase that 'Aunt Ethel' might give you that you intially want to throw in the trash but it grows on you with time and eventually you come to like this vase.

I just made sure that I looked after their daughter so that they could see she was happy.

Justice will prevail !

Just keep being yourself Candiandgirl and hopefully time will takes its toll on your in laws too so that they can see their son is happy and hopefully come round to accepting you and your relationship with him.

Good luck !

davidjtayler has a very good point. It could very well be fear that he will stay with you in Canada. But, lets face it, even if he hadn't met you, he still might stay in Canada. So, if you love him now, then give the relationship a shot. Seems to me he has made the first move (and a very big one at that) by standing up to his parents for you. Don't let him down now by giving up.

CanadianGirl, hi, Im Canadian too, anyway.... seriously, this is a good test, if your man can't do the right thing by you in this situation then it is for the best and you should kick him to the curb. Men need to be MEN and stand up to their parents if they are being outrageous and racist. Think about this from our perspective, if a white Canadian mans parents forbid him from dating his new black girlfriend would that be acceptable in even a tiny itty bitty way? NO Freaking way. Don't bend even a little, his parents are way out of line and your dude should act accordingly.

Damian

Exactly!

But be calm. Show your bf how good a woman you are, do not lose your temper. But do not bend.

Hi there Canadiangirl

Its hard to imagine people behaving so immaturely and narrow mindedly towards somebody that their own flesh and blood cares for but unfortunately this behaviour does occur (as you have witnessed).

Yes, it is rife here in China unfortunately.

Good on you though, David. I feel happy for you.

I too married into a Thai - Chinese family. At first I don't think they were thrilled but you have to realise that the traditional Thai Chinese value education, hard work, success etc. In most cases it is how they got where they are when you consider they are scattered over the globe.

If you embody the qualities they approve of, they will get to like you. Unfortunately if you don't ,then of course the opposite will apply. But these factors come into play all over the world.

However I am surprised at how they behaved to you. Most people would consider it a sign of not being as good as they wished they were.

Asking your bf to choose between you and his parents or creating a scene about their behaviour is not a good idea, I'm sure he is embarassed enough as it is. Thais and especially Thai- Chi are not into open criticism of their parents, and they haven't exactly done badly, they did send their son to Canada after all. If you want to gain their acceptance you have to live up to their expectations - that's pretty much the gist of it.

How do mixed marriages have a good chance of failure? Enlighten me. Where you from Texas?

Damian

Well i sure aint from no darn Texas maam.  Why do you think i am from Texas?

Mixed marraiges fail much more than same race - it is a fact.

Why you ask.  Cultural differences mostly.

Damian: Observer makes a broad ridiculous statement and you follow with a general categorization of all Texans?? Have you ever been to Texas?

Observer: You are so full of it. In general mixed marriages last longer as everyone keeps telling them that it is not going to last, so couples tend to work harder.

OP: So, how do your folks feel about it? The relationship that is. Do THEY approve? Or are they just keeping mum being that his folks are against it.

Most parents will have issues no matter what. She is too dark, she is too light, she is too short, he does not have a good job.. and the list will go on. A friend’s mother erected an altar in a closet and prayed to the Virgin Mary every day for 2 yrs that her daughter would see the light (which she never did).

But there is no parent (in my opinion) that can not be broken with a whole lot of a*s kissing mixed with humility (or when the first grandchild is born). Learn to speak Thai (as well as read) fluently to show them that should the two of continue with your relationship, your children will speak Thai.

Make friends with his siblings (invite them over for the holidays) and win them over. Then show the family what an amazing person you really are, and just why their son is in love with you.

Of course I was stereotyping, I said I was joking just before I explained what I was getting at. Hope I didnt hurt anybodies feelings.

Damian

In other words you are basing this entirely upon your own failure.

Maybe you aren't the best one to be giving advice then.

Not so - wrong as usual

Observer, it was a joke.... figured you were out burning crosses on peoples front lawns and stuff with the rest of your hooded friends down in good ol Texas because it sounded like you have something against mixed marriages. Or perhaps something against people mixing bloodlines and impurifying the master race heh.

Marrying a Thai and marrying someone of a different race are 2 completely different things. If marriages to Thais dont seem to work out that is NOT a good reflection of mixed marriages. And marrying a bar girl and then wondering why it didnt work out is not a good example either...... if that is the kind of examples you were talking about.

CanadianGirl, hi, Im Canadian too, anyway.... seriously, this is a good test, if your man can't do the right thing by you in this situation then it is for the best and you should kick him to the curb. Men need to be MEN and stand up to their parents if they are being outrageous and racist. Think about this from our perspective, if a white Canadian mans parents forbid him from dating his new black girlfriend would that be acceptable in even a tiny itty bitty way? NO Freaking way. Don't bend even a little, his parents are way out of line and your dude should act accordingly.

Damian

Just for the record.  I have been married to my Thai wife for 13 years and have 4

'mixed race' children..  My observations are base on many years of experience and

first hand knowledge of thai culture.  

Edited June 17, 200719 yr by observer21

Of course I was stereotyping, I said I was joking just before I explained what I was getting at. Hope I didnt hurt anybodies feelings.

Damian

So it ok if its a joke.  Not in the real world my dear.  Your remarks about texans are pure

racism.  My comments are based on a point of view - but not popular to those idealists

out there.

Interesting reading here, that Lady with her Boyfriend is an ongoing trouble within Chinese origin, for a daughter are less trouble, Friend of mine married 10 years ago in to a Chinese Thai family, that way it rises the status of the Family, of course does he have a good education, a few safed bucks and fits perfectly in to the Family business.

In my opinion mixed marriages are longer lasting, for the simple reason that both sides are more open minded and flexible, the Future lies in the mixed races, simply a fact of genetic advantage, the problems we are right facing on a global scale are the growing reality that whatever hatred, violence, especially the so called faith terrorists we implement there is no winner and just loses, mixed marriages and partnerships are binding points within different cultural history and shaping more and more a global understanding. A lasting partnership has nothing to do which race we are, a partnership needs to be founded on mutual understanding and asks for a lot of tolerance and perseverance. Go on get the family situation first dealed with your boyfriend and then if you want it make cool send a present to them who lets them know you understand a bit of the old Chinese way. Good Luck and love to both of you.

They may be just older and wiser and they understand that mixed race marraiges/relaitonships have a good chance of failure.

Yeah.... probably. But... wouldn't they then know that their behavior is quite likely to result in the opposite they want to achieve?

Here some links:

http://www.china.org.cn/english/features/cw/204078.htm

http://www.divorcereform.org/sha.html

and this should open as .pdf: www.cbs.nl/en-GB/menu/themas/bevolking/publicaties/persberichten/archief/1999/1999-269-pb.htm

Edited June 17, 200719 yr by sutnyod

Of course I was stereotyping, I said I was joking just before I explained what I was getting at. Hope I didnt hurt anybodies feelings.

Damian

So it ok if its a joke. Not in the real world my dear. Your remarks about texans are pure

racism. My comments are based on a point of view - but not popular to those idealists

out there.

Racism? Are you a silly man? You can't be racist to a STATE. I'm the same race as alot of Texans. If I said something sexist would you say I was racist again? But ya I stereotyped and generalised Texans in a ridiculous way. Are you now trying to cover the fact that your initial statements sounded very racist? Hence earning my lil joke at you? YOUR statement was Racist, MINE was a stereotype. Both are wrong but you were serious and I was joking.

Edit: sorry CanadianGirl

Damian

Edited June 17, 200719 yr by DamianMavis