Help, against good advice offered here, I married my long term GF in Isaan. Coming apart, advice please.

[notrub]

30 04 2023  A year or so ago I married the woman I have been living with for 7 or 8 years.  She is 58 yrs old and was an office worker.  We had come up here to her village and bought some land, built a house, put in a pool etc. etc. and paid for it all.  I have an usufruct on the land and a pretty clear prenup so whatever happens this will remain my home until death, if I want to stay.  (Wife gets all on my death)  It is just getting comfortable. I am 75 and do not want to waste the rest of my life fighting with a woman who has nothing to lose and, she thinks, everything to gain.  The question is, how nasty could it get?  About 5 years ago she got mad at me and secretly started looking for a guy online.  After some months she said she was going to see her son but in fact went away with 'Ricky' for a 2 week holiday by the beach.  Then she came home and said I had to move out because her new lover was moving in.  Ricky, an Ausie, knew nothing of me and following an exchange of emails, he apologized and disappeared.  His emails were pretty explicit about some of their intimacies and his opinion of her.  (In fact he is a retired guy who is on every dating site in se asia and lives his life making the rounds.)  I let that slide but now, years later and recent months of bickering has led to her posting herself on Thaicupid.  A friend saw it and told me and when confronted she did not apologize, saying I am a bad guy, don't respect her, etc. etc..  Now also saying she is talking to her lawyer and I would be really <deleted>*ked.  She divorced her ex years ago after he had affaires with all of her friends so she has experience to be bitter and aggressive. (Unbelievably), I am not violent or demanding, do not drink or smoke cigarettes.  I have a puff of weed in the evenings.  No girlfriends and am friendly with people of the village.  (Sun shines out my ...) My Thai speaking is very limited although I am trying.  This village has people from Laos from a long time ago and so a kind of patois is spoken here.  (Yes, I should be fluent Thai now but I'm not, sorry).  So, how nasty can it all get?  I have just enough money to live on and I am a very, very long way from wealthy.  Also, here is the home I built and where I would like to remain.  Thanks in advance for any comments.

[bignok]

https://www.micklinlawgroup.com/5-reasons-why-second-third-marriages-are-more-prone-divorce/

 

Which is why I posted this. Bit late for you though.

[bignok]

You might live for 10 years. I cannot see a good reason to stay if toxic.

[scubascuba3]

Life's too short, end it

[NextG]

2 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

Life's too short, end it

How? He lives in her village. 

[2ndhomepattaya]

If all his funds are tied-up in the house then the options are very limited, none particularly good.

Go home, wherever home is with basically nowt I suspect with nothing  more then fits into a suitcase or tough it out. Certainly not an easy option either. The prenup/usufruct offers some protection, however, there will be plenty of now ex-family members with a big grudge.

Apart of being a very lonely prospect. Personally, the last thing I would want to do is hang round the same area then my ex.

[Lacessit]

Under Thai law, any assets owned by either partner before the marriage stay with the partner. Assets acquired after the marriage are split 50:50 in the event of divorce.

I would be talking to a lawyer myself, in your shoes. You may have to buy her out of her half.

Definitely change your will, she has every motive to speed up your departure.

[OneMoreFarang]

21 minutes ago, notrub said:

We had come up here to her village and bought some land, built a house, put in a pool etc. etc. and paid for it all.  I have an usufruct on the land and a pretty clear prenup so whatever happens this will remain my home until death, if I want to stay.

Let her find a new lover, hopefully a rich one. And then sell him that land and the house and the wife.

Probably that is what she wants anyhow.

And make sure she doesn't inherit anything, and tell her after you changed your last will and testament. 

[2009]

Have you consider kicking her out?

 

If not, just cut your losses and move on.

[petermik]

Sorry but I think you were foolish not to end it when she had her affair earlier....you will lead a miserable life if you continue....get out now and don,t look back.

[scubascuba3]

3 minutes ago, NextG said:

How? He lives in her village. 

ok that was a mistake many farang make, see if he can sell it. If the house was built in a tourist area at least farang could sell

[OneMoreFarang]

1 minute ago, Lacessit said:

You may have to buy her out of her half.

Let her, of her new lover, buy him out of his half.

Then he can move away and be happy.

[Eloquent pilgrim]

Does the house have a patio ?

[it is what it is]

the slightly surprising, but also heart warming, part of the story is that a 58 year old lady is seemingly able, without much effort, to find love/affection/action.

 

as for advice to the OP, if someone lied me and, was actively looking for and/or went off with someone else i'd be out of there. life's too short.

[Furioso]

It will get real nasty. You're in Thailand you can live elsewhere. You can live in a nice condo and go walking everyday, have friends and "visitors, and laugh a lot. 

 

Get rid of that lying, deceitful wife. Live to 90+ and be happy. 

[notrub]

Thank you for your comments.  Everything was built and purchased before marriage.  The land was bought by me for about 600,000 and is in her name.  I have the usufruct as I had not planned to move b4 death.  She will get every thing when I die anyway so now is just a matter of getting rid of her for now.  It may be that she can make my life miserable without taking any legal action.  She took the keys for my motorbike (returned), truck keys and now i think she has my credit card wallet.  One lesson may be to never let them think you have more than 2 pennies and be clear that every payment brings pain.  How sad it would be to live like that...  I am 75 today.  Great birthday gift from her.  Thanks again for comments.

[BritManToo]

Pretend you're going deaf. That'll put a stop to the arguments. 

 

Or

Just agree to everything she says or wants, but never get around to doing anything. 

 

Get a safe

Put your passport, wallet, ccs, keys in it when not in use. 

 

Stop using your m/c. 

Hit and runs do far less damage to guys driving a truck. 

[notrub]

Sadly yes, too true.  Good idea about the safe, thanks

[BE88]

There is one thing that is not clear in your story, you are married and therefore your wife will have to divorce at the end if she

meet another man so you will have to comply with what the judge will decide and you will have to sell the house and share half of the sale.

You can not find different solutions this is the only way you would take,

Many farangs have passed this road, you are not alone.

[Pink Mist]

Troll posts removed

[JensenZ]

2 hours ago, notrub said:

I am 75 and do not want to waste the rest of my life fighting with a woman who has nothing to lose and, she thinks, everything to gain. The question is, how nasty could it get?

To be quite frank, the worst than can happen is that you won't get to live the rest of your life and she'll find some way to cut it short, either directly, or with the help of friends. Your life is in danger. I'm not joking - you might want to prepare your own food and under no circumstance should you fight and give her any excuses to end you sooner - such as self defence. She's already old herself and doesn't have many options left, so she could get very desperate.

 

Considering your age, I think the best option is to walk away and get far away. When you've disappeared and she can't find you, hire a good lawyer.

[steven100]

The usufruct is in my opinion of little use as who is their right mind would want to continue on staying in a house where your not welcome or wanted,  TIT where anything can happen to you at night or day for that matter.

 

I think if I was in your position, I would see a lawyer,  lay the cards on the table and see what he says. If it's limited to what you can do,  because she will also have a good lawyer ....  then I would try to forget it and move out of there as quickly and safely as you can. 

 

Even trying to sell the house may take years,  and she will do everything to avoid a sale if it costs her assets.

 

Remember,  what ever you try to do,  she will see that you get nothing out of it ....   sadly TIT ,  and that's what happens alot.

 

 

[Toolong]

Notrub, you have clearly made errors of judgement to some extent (my god, haven't we all?), but you sound like the kind of fellow who would be the first to admit it and for that I give you credit. ????

 

I hesitate to offer much in the way of specific advice, but then you didn't get very specific about any advice you might be seeking. And anyway,  your key query seemed to be concerned mainly with the simple question of how nasty it could all get.  

As someone already said, it could get very nasty, unfortunately, so care must be taken. A falang I had the pleasure of meeting last year was in a quite similar situation to your own. Recently shocked to hear he was found dead in the burned out ruins of his home......an 'apparent' suicide. 'Apparent', as in no ****ing way.

 

I've a question of my own: you appear to have your back against the wall a bit, so to speak. And I wondered.....does anyone have your back (so to speak!)? Friends locally or back home? Thai or falang?

I don't know you, or your background. So don't want to impose suggestions blindly (which might not match with your situation at all) but would suspect that as you're probably like many of us, it helps to not feel too isolated & vulnerable. Keep us informed on this forum, if you've a mind to do so. 

 

Be careful. Good luck. 

[steven100]

5 minutes ago, Toolong said:

I've a question of my own: you appear to have your back against the wall a bit, so to speak. And I wondered.....does anyone have your back (so to speak!)? Friends locally or back home? Thai or falang?

I don't know you, or your background. So don't want to impose suggestions blindly (which might not match with your situation at all) but would suspect that as you're probably like many of us, it helps to not feel too isolated & vulnerable. Keep us informed on this forum, if you've a mind to do so. 

And you seem to know Thailand as I do and mentioned.  OP needs to be aware he needs some friends watching out for him.   Just saying ...

[Sheryl]

2 hours ago, Lacessit said:

Under Thai law, any assets owned by either partner before the marriage stay with the partner. Assets acquired after the marriage are split 50:50 in the event of divorce.

I would be talking to a lawyer myself, in your shoes. You may have to buy her out of her half.

Definitely change your will, she has every motive to speed up your departure.

This.

 

Legally, she can't force you out but she can make your life a living hell....or possibly even end it, not unknown here.

 

Give her a divorce and see if you can buy out her 50% share in the house.

 

And most definitely change your will NOW and let her know as soon as -- but not before- - you have done so.

[BangkokReady]

3 hours ago, notrub said:

Then she came home and said I had to move out because her new lover was moving in.

The entitlement that these types of women have is insane.  I know it's not unusual in these situations, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

 

"I found someone new, so please leave your house and let me have it."

 

I guess it's either they feel that the house is theirs because you married them, or you're a foreigner so they can rip you off without consequence, but either way it's completely messed up.

[JensenZ]

41 minutes ago, steven100 said:

The usufruct is in my opinion of little use as who is their right mind would want to continue on staying in a house where your not welcome or wanted,  TIT where anything can happen to you at night or day for that matter.

 

I think if I was in your position, I would see a lawyer,  lay the cards on the table and see what he says. If it's limited to what you can do,  because she will also have a good lawyer ....  then I would try to forget it and move out of there as quickly and safely as you can. 

 

Even trying to sell the house may take years,  and she will do everything to avoid a sale if it costs her assets.

 

Remember,  what ever you try to do,  she will see that you get nothing out of it ....   sadly TIT ,  and that's what happens alot.

 

 

I wouldn't be hiring a lawyer while still in the house with her as she might become nastier than she is already - she's clearly not in her right mind, so therefore very unpredicable.  Also, she will get a lawyer that is on her side, and that will be a lot easier than the OP finding a good one (in the province). She'll tell the lawyer all types of BS stories to get them on her side. Apart from making things worse, his own lawyer might rip him off. I've been there and put in a lot of jeopardy using a bad lawyer. Apart from wasting my money, I had to defend a counter suit which cost me even more money with another lawyer. This was in Pattaya.

 

The usufruct is actually a big problem as it's an invitation to speed up his departure, which won't be difficult at age 75.

 

 

[KhaoYai]

As you say, you went against the advice previously given and are now paying the price for that.  I don't see too many options for you but I recommend you talk to a lawyer. At the very least that might save you from any further problems - at best, they might come up with a solution that may help you.

 

The land may be in your wife's name and bought before you were married but if things go to court, things are not always as clear cut as they seem.  I presume you have evidence that the money used to buy the land and pay for the house came from you?  Bank transfers etc? If you can show that then it is possible that you could divorce her and force her to sell the land/house to pay you your share.

 

I recently had a car returned to me that I paid for and my ex wife put in her name. That was only possible because I could prove that I had transferred the funds to buy it. I also had a letter from the seller stating that he'd sold it to me (through online negotiations) and as far as he knew, my wife only picked it up.  As a sweetener, I also agreed to drop some criminal charges against my wife.  The gist is that, she took advice and that advice was to take my offer as I could prove my case - my lawyer ountilned the evidence I had against her and I presume her lawyer, friend, whoever, advised her to settle.

 

You need to try to get things on a more non-confrontational footing with your wife.  It is possible that she could be persuaded not to be so confident that she's going to win and accept a deal that gives you something back and allows you to bow out.  You will not win everything, you're going to have to accept that but based on what you say, if you can prove that you paid for everything with money you had before you were married - you stand a good chance of getting something.

 

Where in Isaan are you?  I have a very good lawyer but she's not taking on too many cases at the moment as she's preparing to become a judge.  If you're not too far away from her (Korat) she may take on your case. At the very least, if you are prepared to drive to Korat, I think she would advise you of your options and she will tell you the cost up front.

 

I hear a lot of stories that claim the 'farang always loses' - I can only think that in such cases, 'the farang' didn't actually go legal as my experience has been different.

 

However, there are way too many variables and I suspect, other details, for anyone here to give reliable advice - if I was you I'd at least spend a few thousand baht on the advice of a decent lawyer.

 

On thing I can tell you, if things do have to go to court - the courts in Thailand expect people to negotiate and try to reach a settlement before court.  If either party has acted unreasonably or has refused to negotiate without good reason, that will go against them.  Thai courts hate confrontation but love compromise.

 

Isaan lawyers are also in Korat and are under new (foreign) ownership

 

[PR3]

First of all Best Wishes on your 75th Birthday!!! I'm sure it's not fun you have to be posting on here regarding this.

Sorry to hear about your situation, you seem to be in a difficult spot there.

You mentioned earlier that everything was built and paid for prior to marriage.

It would be the sensible thing to speak to a reputable lawyer in this case; as far as I'm aware anything paid for etc. prior to marriage is not considered part of the settlement estate upon divorce. ( hope this is not the case ).

You may have other options if you have usufruct on the property i.e. rent it out and live elsewhere (if you decide to divorce) off the proceeds.

For me I'd have turned my back as soon as she disappeared with the guy for 2 weeks.

That sort of behaviour says a lot about someone.

But totally understand if your financial situation doesn't allow such a move.

Either way try enjoy your Birthday and seek legal advice, no-one should have to live with the sword of damocles hanging over them.

I wish you the very best of luck try not to get too stressed over it.

Regards 

PR3

[steven100]

8 minutes ago, JensenZ said:

I wouldn't be hiring a lawyer while still in the house with her as she might become nastier than she is already - she's clearly not in her right mind, so therefore very unpredicable.  Also, she will get a lawyer that is on her side, and that will be a lot easier than the OP finding a good one (in the province). She'll tell the lawyer all types of BS stories to get them on her side. Apart from making things worse, his own lawyer might rip him off. I've been there and put in a lot of jeopardy using a bad lawyer. Apart from wasting my money, I had to defend a counter suit which cost me even more money with another lawyer. This was in Pattaya.

 

The usufruct is actually a big problem as it's an invitation to speed up his departure, which won't be difficult at age 75.

 

 

The reality is you are correct,  I would be concerned about my own well being in that house if she wants him out, especially if he has nobody to watch him.