I'm in a toxic situation...

[susanlea]

On 6/16/2024 at 2:52 PM, HenryRoths said:

Hi everyone,

I’ve been living in northern Thailand for twelve years and married to my Thai wife for seven. We’ve had our ups and downs, but recently things have become unbearable for me, and I am trying to figure out how to move forward. In the perfect situation, I would like to go back to my own country in Europe, but it's not so simple. I'll explain. 

Firstly, the financial strain induced from her family is becoming overwhelming. Not just the actual money, but the emotional burden too. Her family constantly asks for money, and recently it began taking a toll on my savings. Her father has a serious gambling problem is what I believe is the underlying issue, and I’ve bailed him out more times than I can count, but the excuse is always that he needs money to help keep his commercial truck repair business afloat. It’s reached a point where I feel like I’m also enabling this hidden gambling problem of his.

On top of that, and I know that people will find this shocking, but I’ve started to suspect that my wife’s “brother” might actually be her boyfriend. He’s always around, and they seem overly familiar with each other in ways that make me uncomfortable. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she gets defensive and angry and accuses me of not trusting her or her family. 

I was told secretly once many years ago by an uncle of hers in the family that her mother had various boyfriends when she was younger, but also already married to my wife's father at that time. Some even suspect some of her older siblings might have a different father because they are much darker skinned than my wife and the 3 other younger siblings. So maybe my wife is no different than her own mother in that sense in terms of infidelity when already married. Apples don't fall too far from the tree, right?

We also have a three-year-old daughter together, and that’s what makes this situation even harder. I’m considering ending the relationship because I can’t continue living like this, but I’m deeply worried about my daughter. I don’t want her to grow up without her father around, and I fear what kind of environment she’ll be raised in if I leave. Even though I would be sending financial support for my daughter after any separation, I don't trust the family values my daughter might grow up with from always being surrounded by my wife's family. 

I would really like to be able to take my daughter and go back to Europe. That would be the best case scenario. I still have a house there and she would get a good education. I’ve thought about trying to get custody, but I know that’s incredibly difficult for a man here in Thailand, especially for a foreigner. I want to do what’s best for my daughter, but I’m stuck between staying in a toxic relationship or leaving and potentially losing my daughter.

Has anyone been through something similar here in Thailand? 

Thanks. 

Only 2 problems here

1 gambling

2 possible boyfriend

 

I don't see drug use or violence

[fredwiggy]

Just now, susanlea said:

I already proved you are liar. Memories from age 2 are fictional according to real experts. You are a fake expert. Never heard such bs.

You haven't proven anything but that you base your replies on what someone has said, an opinion, when a person has just told you he remembered what happened when he was 2. For this example, I will tell you. I was 2. My brother was watching TV in the living room, cartoons. My mom was lying down in her bedroom. I climbed up on the toilet seat and got out a bottle of St. Joseph's Aspirin,something I'm not sure is till made. They had an orange taste, and I knew this from being given them before. I ate the whole bottle. My mom saw me a few minutes later and asked me what I ate. I said aspirin, but what it sounded like was oranges. They rushed me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. I remember gagging as they inserted tubes in my mouth and nose. After the stomach was pumped, we rode home in the ambulance and I asked the driver if I could hear the siren, which he put on. I also remember my mom lying on the bed next to me in the room, with her head facing the other way and crying. This memory I told my mom when I was older and she was smiling that I remembered every detail.

 

I also remember, at the same age, walking down the sidewalk of that house, wearing my dad's army style jacket, and standing next to a rock, which was above my height. When I later visited that house after we moved, I saw the rock. It was about 3 feet tall. I remember him going ot for what he said were donuts, and he came back with a large two propeller helicopter toy, with electric lights and moving propellers. These memories all happened from age 2-4, as we moved to another town by the time I turned 5.

 

At 5, I remember a kid throwing darts at a target next to me on his front steps. He threw one dart and it stuck in my leg.  Children who are raised with love and care remember a lot of their childhood days. Children who are abused or neglected block out things, and substitute good thoughts for those that actually happened.

[susanlea]

1 minute ago, fredwiggy said:

You haven't proven anything but that you base your replies on what someone has said, an opinion, when a person has just told you he remembered what happened when he was 2. For this example, I will tell you. I was 2. My brother was watching TV in the living room, cartoons. My mom was lying down in her bedroom. I climbed up on the toilet seat and got out a bottle of St. Joseph's Aspirin,something I'm not sure is till made. They had an orange taste, and I knew this from being given them before. I ate the whole bottle. My mom saw me a few minutes later and asked me what I ate. I said aspirin, but what it sounded like was oranges. They rushed me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. I remember gagging as they inserted tubes in my mouth and nose. After the stomach was pumped, we rode home in the ambulance and I asked the driver if I could hear the siren, which he put on. I also remember my mom lying on the bed next to me in the room, with her head facing the other way and crying. This memory I told my mom when I was older and she was smiling that I remembered every detail.

 

I also remember, at the same age, walking down the sidewalk of that house, wearing my dad's army style jacket, and standing next to a rock, which was above my height. When I later visited that house after we moved, I saw the rock. It was about 3 feet tall. I remember him going ot for what he said were donuts, and he came back with a large two propeller helicopter toy, with electric lights and moving propellers. These memories all happened from age 2-4, as we moved to another town by the time I turned 5.

 

At 5, I remember a kid throwing darts at a target next to me on his front steps. He threw one dart and it stuck in my leg.  Children who are raised with love and care remember a lot of their childhood days. Children who are abused or neglected block out things, and substitute good thoughts for those that actually happened.

You need some hobbies. 

[fredwiggy]

6 minutes ago, Hummin said:

 

Enough bs from you, a foreigner can and will get custody if he can prove the kid is better off with him than the mom! It happens, or if not, I know embassy have resources to help to manage to get the kid back to England. 

 

It is about taking responsibility and do what you can if you are a good person, and are willing to walk the extra mile for your own blood. I understand some here for sure the kids is better off without. No doubt

My ex knows my daughter is going back home with me to Texas. She doesn't fully understand that she needs to be in school before she is 10 there to keep up with the curriculum so she isn't left behind. This is being explained over time. She is almost 8 now so it's going to happen within 2 years. My English school owner, who is US taught and well respected all over Thailand, said," If she loves that child, she will let her go with you, and soon". He studied in America, runs a school here and knows fully how much better schools are there than here. I've heard from quite a few here that judges will honor a man bringing his child to another country, s they know this country's school system pales by comparison to most western countries.

[Hummin]

Just now, susanlea said:

So you want to steal a 3yo daughter from her mother. What a terrible idea. Is it full moon today? The nuts are out.

 

If my x was a dysfunctional mother, for sure! 

 

Thats me, I would not give up my daughter if there where no hope to make an sustainable agreement where she was safe and secured. 

[susanlea]

4 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

This memory I told my mom when I was older and she was smiling that I remembered every detail.

Your mother would have told you this story when you were older. I know my parents did. I had an accident age 3 which they told me about later. My memories would be based on the story not the event. Same with you (proven by science) but you won't admit it.

[fredwiggy]

1 minute ago, susanlea said:

You need some hobbies. 

I hunt, fish, nature walk, photography, read books,weight training, music and movies, and do these constantly, besides hunting , which isn't allowed here, and is one reason I'm going back home asap.

[susanlea]

1 minute ago, Hummin said:

 

If my x was a dysfunctional mother, for sure! 

 

Thats me, I would not give up my daughter if there where no hope to make an sustainable agreement where she was safe and secured. 

Read his story. Sounds unhappy in Thailand, wants out. He should fly home for 3 months alone and think about it.

[fredwiggy]

3 minutes ago, susanlea said:

Your mother would have told you this story when you were older. I know my parents did. I had an accident age 3 which they told me about later. My memories would be based on the story not the event. Same with you (proven by science) but you won't admit it.

Please stop trying to rebut what I'm saying. I'm telling it exactly how it is. Like I said, my mom was amazed what I remembered, and didn't need to tell me anything because I'm the one who told her. I do not make opinions because they mean nothing. I don't reply unless I have knowledge and experience on a subject, as that would be futile. Just because you don't remember what you did at ages 1-5 doesn't mean everyone else doesn't also. Another link, although being stubborn doesn't allow o a person to grow. Best to take time to research, like I do.......https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/first-seven-years-of-childhood#In-the-first-years-of-life,-the-brain-rapidly-develops-its-mapping-system

Edited June 17 by fredwiggy

[susanlea]

1 minute ago, fredwiggy said:

Please stop trying to rebut what I'm saying. I'm telling it exactly how it is. Like I said, my mom was amazed what I remembered, and didn't need to tell me anything because I'm the one who told her. I do not make opinions because they mean nothing. I don't reply unless I have knowledge and experience on a subject, as that would be futile. Just because you don't remember what you did at ages 1-5 doesn't mean everyone else doesn't also.

I don't believe you. Anyone who claims to never lie is lying. Dead giveaway.

[fredwiggy]

3 minutes ago, susanlea said:

I don't believe you. Anyone who claims to never lie is lying. Dead giveaway.

So you'll understand better. I never lie about things I'm knowledgeable about. Things I argue a point on, because without knowledge you're just pissing in the wind.  I don't lie about hunting or fishing. I don't lie about women, as in bragging about conquests because that is childish. I have a code I follow, and I don't break that code. Another link for you............https://files.firstthingsfirst.org/why-early-childhood-matters/the-first-five-years

Edited June 17 by fredwiggy

[susanlea]

Just now, fredwiggy said:

So you'll understand better. I never lie about things I'm knowledgeable about. Things I argue a point on, because without knowledge you're just pissing in the wind.  I don't lie about hunting or fishing. I don't lie about women, as in bragging about conquests because that is childish. I have a code I follow, and I don't break that code.

You are either ignorant or a liar. Here is the science on memories

 

"Yet evidence shows that our memory isn’t as consistent as we’d like to believe. What’s worse, we’re often guilty of changing the facts and adding false details to our memories without even realising"

 

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/memories-unreliable-science-brain-false-memory-remembering-a8687296.html

[susanlea]

"False memories aren’t rare. Everyone has them. They range from small and trivial, like where you swear you put your keys last night, to significant, like how an accident happened or what you saw during a crime."

 

https://www.healthline.com/health/false-memory#bottom-line

[fredwiggy]

Just now, susanlea said:

You are either ignorant or a liar. Here is the science on memories

 

"Yet evidence shows that our memory isn’t as consistent as we’d like to believe. What’s worse, we’re often guilty of changing the facts and adding false details to our memories without even realising"

 

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/memories-unreliable-science-brain-false-memory-remembering-a8687296.html

It might be best for you to refrain from trying to outdo someone with obviously a lot more knowledge on this subject. I reiterate, just because you don't remember things when you were very young, doesn't mean others don't also. I can go on and on about things when I was very young but since you're calling me ignorant,which I'm not, and a liar, which I'm not , especially about things I know, you're acting the part of a fool who only goes by her own experience, is showing, obviously by prejudice, that you think a mother is more important than a father, which they aren't if all things are equal, and that you base your argument on one or two links you seem will sway my thinking, which they don't, as I've heard it all before, and again, base my replies on facts that are easy to find.

[fredwiggy]

3 minutes ago, susanlea said:

"False memories aren’t rare. Everyone has them. They range from small and trivial, like where you swear you put your keys last night, to significant, like how an accident happened or what you saw during a crime."

 

https://www.healthline.com/health/false-memory#bottom-line

I never said false memories aren't real, and yes, everyone has them. I said, people can, and do, remember from their young childhoods, like I stated, and throughout the years, when talking to people about memories, just like this discussion, have had all of my friends say the same things, that they also remembered when thy were very young, ages from 2 through 7. From your link, "ResearchTrusted Source suggests people who have a history of trauma, depression, or stress may be more likely to produce false memories. Negative events may produce more false memories than positive or neutral ones.

 

Like I also said, I was raised with love and care, and no abuse, neglect or spoiling, so it's easier for those like me to remember things that actually did happen, and not have the need to make up false memories nor have them happen by chance. In a depressed persons mind, those who have actual depression, when you ask them about their childhood and years throughout their lives, they will likely tell you more negative than positive things, even if their lives were mostly positive. This is because a person who has depression accentuates the negative, as they are living in a world they see as a negative place.

Edited June 17 by fredwiggy

[susanlea]

1 minute ago, fredwiggy said:

It might be best for you to refrain from trying to outdo someone with obviously a lot more knowledge on this subject. I reiterate, just because you don't remember things when you were very young, doesn't mean others don't also. I can go on and on about things when I was very young but since you're calling me ignorant,which I'm not, and a liar, which I'm not , especially about things I know, you're acting the part of a fool who only goes by her own experience, is showing, obviously by prejudice, that you think a mother is more important than a father, which they aren't if all things are equal, and that you base your argument on one or two links you seem will sway my thinking, which they don't, as I've heard it all before, and again, base my replies on facts that are easy to find.

You sound very naive. 65 books and still don't know that many of your memories are false. Still pretending to be an expert. You are a fake expert.

[susanlea]

Just now, fredwiggy said:

I never said false memories aren't real, and yes, everyone has them. I said, people can, and do, remember from their young childhoods, like I stated, and throughout the years, when talking to people about memories, just like this discussion, have had all of my friends say the same things, that they also remembered when thy were very young, ages from 2 through 7.

Likely that many of them are false or told to you later on. Give up trying to be an expert. You got shown up.

[susanlea]

3 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

you're acting the part of a fool who only goes by her own experience, is

I quoted scientific studies. You are the fool with no science on your side. You claimed to read 65 books but can't name 1. 

[Brewster67]

Move out immediately.

 

Rent a house close by.

 

Get your head clear.

 

Stay in touch with and visit your daughter as much as possible.

 

Put yourself back on the market, there are many nice Thai girls out there with decent stable families.

 

As your daughter grows up, eventually she will be able to walk to your house to spend more time with you, so staying as close as possible is important.

 

No need to have to return to your home country... You moved here for a reason after all, so why deny yourself all the benefits of living in this great country.

 

You ay well have bad memories of Thailand but that is centric to the person you chose to share them with and NOT the country itself.... Experiences with a better partner make for better memories.

Edited June 17 by Brewster67

[susanlea]

7 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

was raised with love and care, and no abuse, neglect or spoiling, so it's easier for those like me to remember things that actually did happen, and not have the need to make up false memories

Very naive. Everyone has false memories. People with depression just have more. The brain acts like a typewriter. We sometimes white out errors and change them.

[fredwiggy]

7 minutes ago, susanlea said:

Likely that many of them are false or told to you later on. Give up trying to be an expert. You got shown up.

I'm sorry you see that, as it's actually you that are fighting a lost battle. I'm sure you haven't read anything I posted, and like many others, only skim through and see what they want to see. I'm not trying to be an expert. I just know a lot about certain things, and only argue when I'm right about one, and I can prove my side, as I have. Some people are naive and closed minded, and believe what a person says because it fits their narrative and lifestyle, even though they are living a lie. An example is those many hundreds of thousands who believed Hitler was the way and the light, even though right in front of their eyes he was a sick, very disturbed drug user who hated people because he came from a hurtful childhood, and saw Jews as inferior.

[susanlea]

Just now, fredwiggy said:

I'm sorry you see that, as it's actually you that are fighting a lost battle. I'm sure you haven't read anything I posted, and like many others, only skim through and see what they want to see. I'm not trying to be an expert. I just know a lot about certain things, and only argue when I'm right about one, and I can prove my side, as I have. Some people are naive and closed minded, and believe what a person says because it fits their narrative and lifestyle, even though they are living a lie. An example is those many hundreds of thousands who believed Hitler was the way and the light, even though right in front of their eyes he was a sick, very disturbed drug user who hated people because he came from a hurtful childhood, and saw Jews as inferior.

Only people who are desperate resort to talking about Hitler. Yet more bs from you. 65 books (likely a lie) and no science on your side.

[Hummin]

27 minutes ago, susanlea said:

Read his story. Sounds unhappy in Thailand, wants out. He should fly home for 3 months alone and think about it.

 

 

I have replied to those who have advised op to leave the daughter behind! Thats my concern how people here think thats the best for their daughters and for the father! 

 

Who wants to grow old with that on their mind! Not me

[susanlea]

Just now, Hummin said:

 

 

I have replied to those who have advised op to leave the daughter behind! Thats my concern how people here think thats the best for their daughters and for the father! 

 

Who wants to grow old with that on their mind! Not me

For 3 months only. Then fly back see what is happening. 

[fredwiggy]

6 minutes ago, susanlea said:

I quoted scientific studies. You are the fool with no science on your side. You claimed to read 65 books but can't name 1. 

I've read most of the books by Gary Smalley, Doctor Dobson, John Gray, Dr. Laura, Dr. Les Carter,and a host of others I can't recall just now. If you name an author from the 80's through the early 2000's, I probably read them, along with articles daily from many psychologists. I don't claim to do anything I haven't. I don't care what you think because it means nothing. You can read what I linked but I'm sure you won't because as I've said, some people will believe one or two that write something they like, and think it's gospel. I read everything I can find on a subject and then make a decision based on most of them saying the same things, what sounds logical and I can prove in my own experiences.

[fredwiggy]

4 minutes ago, susanlea said:

Only people who are desperate resort to talking about Hitler. Yet more bs from you. 65 books (likely a lie) and no science on your side.

How am I desperate? I posted links, just as you did, and I can continue for days doing the same, but if you're not going to open your mind and think you might be a tad wrong on this, you'll never see the forest for the trees. It's called growth.

[Hummin]

9 minutes ago, susanlea said:

For 3 months only. Then fly back see what is happening. 

I read other reoplies where you agreed to leave her behind, because she needed her mother more!

Edited June 17 by Hummin

[MangoKorat]

On 6/16/2024 at 5:52 AM, HenryRoths said:

On top of that, and I know that people will find this shocking, but I’ve started to suspect that my wife’s “brother” might actually be her boyfriend. He’s always around, and they seem overly familiar with each other in ways that make me uncomfortable. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she gets defensive and angry and accuses me of not trusting her or her family. 

Very common situation and from what you say - your suspicions are probably correct - lots of Thai women seem to have 'brothers, 'cousins' etc. - they have absolutely no morals whatsoever. I had similar but ousted the bitch as soon as I found out. I wasn't living in Thailand at the time so it was easier for her to get away with it but when you dig - the tell tale signs are there.

 

I would also have got out when the first request for money came - sure sign of precisely why the marriage exists.

 

Let's say for a moment that your suspicions are wrong and your wife is totally loyal, its clear that you don't trust her so your marriage is over in any case.

 

I can't help you with your daughter but given the circumstances, can you be sure she is your daughter?

 

Whatever, you are being used and by the sound of it, that's been going on from the start.  You need to get out - that's your first step. 

[MangoKorat]

On 6/16/2024 at 6:49 AM, simon43 said:

If you have been living in northern Thailand for 12 years, why have you never posted on Thailand's most expat forum?  Why is your very first post of this type, no 'Hi I'm new here' post, just straight into a lengthy post about your problems.

 

Just asking....

He could well have been a member for many years and posting regularly under a different name.  Many people need advice but don't want the embarassment of admiting they've been stupid.

[charleskerins]

On 6/16/2024 at 12:15 PM, bob smith said:

Here's what you need to do, NOW, step by step.

 

1. Get out of your chair and into the shower. Shave and apply your favorite cologne.

 

2. Pack your bags & put on your Sunday best. 

 

3. Search on Skyscanner for any available flights back to your home country within the next 48 hours. Once the flight is found, book it.

 

4. Leave your house immediately. If the flight isn't for a few days then book yourself into a nice hotel around the airport until it is time to check in.

 

5. Call a cab to the airport 4 hours before departure.

 

6. Check in, have something to eat in the departure hall, smile at the customs official and never look back!

 

You have been taken for a ride. You have been used at every turn. You have been treated like a mug. These 'people' deserve nothing more from you. It's unfortunate about your daughter but you MUST look after number one. Your wife will only use her against you anyway. Get the hell out of here now and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

 

bob.

Yeah just leave your 3 year old daughter   and you got 28 likes  -28 cowards.