I'm in a toxic situation...

[fredwiggy]

3 minutes ago, susanlea said:

A 4yo will barely remember that. Most memories are formed from age 5 onwards. I have no memories at all under age 5. I have no idea what happened when I was 3yo and who said what.

A child's most important years are definitely age 1-5. I remember when I was 2, 3, 4, 5 6 and onward. Things I did or I saw, how others acted. Children remember a lot more than you think. The best ages to learn a foreign language are 4-7. They soak up everything.They learn everything about love, trust, how to treat others, respect for others property, how to treat animals (very important), and other things................https://www.all4kids.org/news/blog/why-the-first-5-years-of-child-development-are-so-important/

[fredwiggy]

1 minute ago, susanlea said:

Where does your idea come from?

Research for the last 40 years about child development, how to raise kids, treat a mate, depression, narcissism and other things related to psychology

[fredwiggy]

2 minutes ago, Sandboxer said:

1. Just leave them. No advance talk/note/message/call. Cut all financial support immediately.

 

2. Have some fun in Pattaya for a month and have coitus with 100 LBFMs. Try to stay off the booze. Go to the gym every day. Don't fall in love with the next hooker.

 

3. Re-evaluate after a month if you want to stay here in Thailand or go back to your country (not sure what the financial situation is).

 

4. Forget the kid. Kids do just fine here (especially in the sticks) without their daddies. This isn't as bad as the 'Murican single black ghetto on foodstamps mom situation.

 

Offer to take the kid with you either to your new home here in LoS or your home country, with full legal custody, if the wife agrees to it. Incentivize the agreement with a one-time payoff, all contractually via lawyer and approved by the courts. All dependent on a positive DNA test, obviously. If she really loves her kid, she'll refuse and then you can at least have some small relief that the kid will grow up somewhat ok, but then you must also, in fairness to the situation, cut yourself off until she reaches late-teens/adulthood and gets to her make her own choices. 

 

Not a lot of 'winning' scenarios here, but it's not the end of the world. 

 

Again, one thing for certain - stop paying for all these village idiots' habits and/or bad decisions. 

 

It won't do your daughter any good, now or in 15 years, to have a broke ass pops.  

 

Best of luck and success.

 

PS. Get the kid her 2nd passport regardless of how things turn out, if you haven't done so.

 

 

 

This is the go to bible on how to really screw up a child's future and I'm hoping the OP doesn't take (waste) time reading this. So many "fathers" around that do nothing at all and we see the results daily on TV, with boys beating the crap out of another 5 against 1, boys raping their girlfriends, killing them, killing their parents, treating animals as things to get their anger out on and many others. Absent fathers are the reasons for most of the worlds problems today. The breakdown of the family is the breakdown of society.

[susanlea]

6 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

A child's most important years are definitely age 1-5. I remember when I was 2, 3, 4, 5 6 and onward. Things I did or I saw, how others acted. Children remember a lot more than you think. The best ages to learn a foreign language are 4-7. They soak up everything.They learn everything about love, trust, how to treat others, respect for others property, how to treat animals (very important), and other things................https://www.all4kids.org/news/blog/why-the-first-5-years-of-child-development-are-so-important/

What happened at age 2? Sounds like bs

[Yellowtail]

10 minutes ago, susanlea said:

In 95% of cases a girl is better off with her mum. You raised an exception. The same sex parent is the best role model unless they are really bad in your example. Boys need to learn how to be men and girls need to learn how to be women.

What I said was: "They need both, but to claim they need the mother more, without knowing more about the mother and father makes little sense." 

 

Your response was: "So you want fathers to teach daughters about periods, bras and being a woman. How ridiculous. Then you want mothers to teach sons about cutting trees down and changing a tyre."

 

I think children need both parents. Do you really think a male infant is better off with his father, really? 

 

 

 

[susanlea]

5 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

Research for the last 40 years about child development, how to raise kids, treat a mate, depression, narcissism and other things related to psychology

I have seen psychologists say the opposite. The OP is in a bad marriage. Hanging around won't be good for the kid if toxic. He is better off leaving. Thai society favours Thais also. 

[fredwiggy]

15 minutes ago, susanlea said:

So you want 3yo to 5yo girls to learn about male relationships so she can have a great marriage. The most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

No, a child watches their parents like a hawk, all the time, and sees how the most important people in her(his) life relate to each other. What they see is usually what they will do, unless an intervention, as soon as possible, comes along while they are still very young, in the case of them seeing abuse or neglect. Narcissists are created from age 1-5 by either abuse and or neglect, or being spoiled. The years after these years are important of course, but not as important as those first 5.

[susanlea]

Just now, Yellowtail said:

What I said was: "They need both, but to claim they need the mother more, without knowing more about the mother and father makes little sense." 

 

Your response was: "So you want fathers to teach daughters about periods, bras and being a woman. How ridiculous. Then you want mothers to teach sons about cutting trees down and changing a tyre."

 

I think children need both parents. Do you really think a male infant is better off with his father, really? 

 

 

 

Age 1 to 5 mum is best. Age 6 to 20 father is best. Learn to be a man. Guys brought up by single mothers usually aren't much good at anything apart from cooking.

[susanlea]

1 minute ago, fredwiggy said:

No, a child watches their parents like a hawk, all the time, and sees how the most important people in her(his) life relate to each other. What they see is usually what they will do, unless an intervention, as soon as possible, comes along while they are still very young, in the case of them seeing abuse or neglect. Narcissists are created from age 1-5 by either abuse and or neglect, or being spoiled. The years after these years are important of course, but not as important as those first 5.

Sounds like bs. I can't remember age 3 or 4.

[fredwiggy]

Just now, susanlea said:

I have seen psychologists say the opposite. The OP is in a bad marriage. Hanging around won't be good for the kid if toxic. He is better off leaving. Thai society favours Thais also. 

I didn't suggest he stay. I suggested he stick around until the mom lets the child go, which many here will do anyway. A deal can be made, and money usually talks to Thais. This man cares about his daughter, so he shpould stay in her life, as he will most likely be the provider and teach that girl more than the mother could, as far as how to thrive in this world.

[susanlea]

"new study suggests that many first memories are actually fictional"

 

 

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/jul/18/what-is-your-earliest-childhood-memory-and-did-it-really-happen

 

[fredwiggy]

4 minutes ago, susanlea said:

Age 1 to 5 mum is best. Age 6 to 20 father is best. Learn to be a man. Guys brought up by single mothers usually aren't much good at anything apart from cooking.

I'm sorry but you need to do some research and not base your replies on prejudice, as they seem to be. facts are facts, and the truth is there if you read up on it, and understand the importance a father has. I never said mom isn't important, as the child does need both.I'm saying if there has to be a choice, the choice is clear, IF both parents are stable

[fredwiggy]

Just now, susanlea said:

"new study suggests that many first memories are actually fictional"

 

 

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/jul/18/what-is-your-earliest-childhood-memory-and-did-it-really-happen

 

I don't go by one persons pinion on a subject but what the majority o proven professionals say. Like I said, I remember things back to age 2, and friends I've talked to said the same things. I've read 65 books and thousands of articles on children, relationships, how men and women relate, depression, mental illnesses and the like. I believe something when a majority tells the same story, and also what I see from personal experience, and they usually coincide.

[susanlea]

2 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

I'm sorrm but you need to do some research and not base your replies on prejudice, as they seem to be. facts are facts, and the truth is there if you read up on it, and understand the importance a father has. I never said mom isn't important, as the child does need both.I'm saying if there has to be a choice, the choice is clear, IF both parents are stable

You claimed you remember back to age 2 which is pure bs.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/jul/18/what-is-your-earliest-childhood-memory-and-did-it-really-happen

[scubascuba3]

29 minutes ago, susanlea said:

Under 80yo for most males. Under 75yo for American males.

Probably linked to their high 40+% obesity rates, they love to stuff their faces

[susanlea]

Just now, fredwiggy said:

I don't go by one persons pinion on a subject but what the majority o proven professionals say. Like I said, I remember things back to age 2, and friends I've talked to said the same things. I've read 65 books and thousands of articles on children, relationships, how men and women relate, depression, mental illnesses and the like. I believe something when a majority tells the same story, and also what I see from personal experience, and they usually coincide.

I think you are posting pure bs.

[fredwiggy]

Just now, susanlea said:

I think you are posting pure bs.

I never lie or post any opinions. You can look up anything I say and you'll see facts, and lots of them. Just because I'm a male doesn't mean I favor males. I know what's best for a child, and it's both parents together, but an absent father will ruin a girl's chances for a secure, productive future with issues that will follow her for a very long time, if not forever. Not having a mother around also hurts a girl of course, but I did say if both parents are stable, a father's abode is the best choice, IF he is available and not working all the time and doesn't have time to spend with that girl. Meaning if all things are  equal as far as living arrangements for both parents.

[susanlea]

Just now, fredwiggy said:

I never lie or post any opinions. You can look up anything I say and you'll see facts, and lots of them. Just because I'm a male doesn't mean I favor males. I know what's best for a child, and it's both parents together, but an absent father will ruin a girl's chances for a secure, productive future with issues that will follow her for a very long time, if not forever. Not having a mother around also hurts a girl of course, but I did say if both parents are stable, a father's abode is the best choice, IF he is available and not working all the time and doesn't have time to spend with that girl. Meaning if all things are  equal as far as living arrangements for both parents.

So if I read 66 books can I claim to be an expert on kids and marriages? That is just quackery. 

[susanlea]

3 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

I never lie

People who say that are lying. Everyone lies. 

[fredwiggy]

1 hour ago, kennypowers said:

Yes. If he can prove infidelity and the gambling issues = toxic environment = get a good lawyer and he could win custody. The family problems are ironically his ticket out of this. 

I've talked to 5 lawyers here about just this. They all said if the mom is a drug dealer and it can be proven, the father will get custody. They said if the women is promiscuous it matters little to the judge. Yes, this is crapola, but this is Thailand. Gambling isn't good, but it has to be proven she is wasting a lot of money and time gambling away resources, which isn't easy to prove. A woman cheating on her husband, if proven, helps but the scales are so set against men getting custody here, it's very hard to turn their judgement around. Even in the US it's hard for a man to get custody, although it happens (I got it for 4 of mine), but you have to fight. men get it more and more if they can prove their home is a more stable one. Here it's so prejudiced against men because most men here won't bother fighting, many leave when kids are born, and aren't active in parenting, and the courts know this. Child support is supposed to be enforced here, but the only ones who pay are farangs like myself.

[Hummin]

43 minutes ago, susanlea said:

So you want fathers to teach daughters about periods, bras and being a woman. How ridiculous. Then you want mothers to teach sons about cutting trees down and changing a tyre.

 

What makes little sense is the ideas people come up with.

 

 

 

 

It is important for kids from babies to learn and feel secured, and have role models to look up to. You think like a caveman!

[fredwiggy]

1 minute ago, susanlea said:

People who say that are lying. Everyone lies. 

Not when it comes to arguing a point I'm very familiar with. Yes, most people lie, but not about a topic that is easily researched, as this is. Why bother posting things that are lies? I'm not here to impress anyone but to help the OP make a good choice.

[susanlea]

Just now, fredwiggy said:

Not when it comes to arguing a point I'm very familiar with. Yes, most people lie, but not about a topic that is easily researched, as this is. Why bother posting things that are lies? I'm not here to impress anyone but to help the OP make a good choice.

I already proved you are liar. Memories from age 2 are fictional according to real experts. You are a fake expert. Never heard such bs.

[fredwiggy]

5 minutes ago, susanlea said:

So if I read 66 books can I claim to be an expert on kids and marriages? That is just quackery. 

If you are really into a subject, reading is always the best way to learn about it, followed by a professional teaching you, as that professional also learned from books. You stop learning when you stop reading. Of course you have to be able to comprehend what you read, as just reading a book doesn't help someone who hasn't the ability to take in what they have read and keep it in memory.

[susanlea]

2 minutes ago, Hummin said:

It is important for kids from babies to learn and feel secured, and have role models to look up to. You think like a caveman!

Most marriages breakdown. Studies show staying in a toxic relationship is worse for kids. You don't think at all. The OP should go home.

[susanlea]

Just now, fredwiggy said:

If you are really into a subject, reading is always the best way to learn about it, followed by a professional teaching you, as that professional also learned from books. You stop learning when you stop reading. Of course you have to be able to comprehend what you read, as just reading a book doesn't help someone who hasn't the ability to take in what they have read and keep it in memory.

65 books and still you didn't know your age 2 memories are fictional. Slow learner. 

[susanlea]

8 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

I've talked to 5 lawyers here about just this. They all said if the mom is a drug dealer and it can be proven, the father will get custody. They said if the women is promiscuous it matters little to the judge. Yes, this is crapola, but this is Thailand. Gambling isn't good, but it has to be proven she is wasting a lot of money and time gambling away resources, which isn't easy to prove. A woman cheating on her husband, if proven, helps but the scales are so set against men getting custody here, it's very hard to turn their judgement around. Even in the US it's hard for a man to get custody, although it happens (I got it for 4 of mine), but you have to fight. men get it more and more if they can prove their home is a more stable one. Here it's so prejudiced against men because most men here won't bother fighting, many leave when kids are born, and aren't active in parenting, and the courts know this. Child support is supposed to be enforced here, but the only ones who pay are farangs like myself.

No child support if not married. If the OP wants to go home he should. He knows her and himself better than fake experts. Sooner the better if she is toxic. 

[Hummin]

2 minutes ago, susanlea said:

Most marriages breakdown. Studies show staying in a toxic relationship is worse for kids. You don't think at all. The OP should go home.

 

Enough bs from you, a foreigner can and will get custody if he can prove the kid is better off with him than the mom! It happens, or if not, I know embassy have resources to help to manage to get the kid back to England. 

 

It is about taking responsibility and do what you can if you are a good person, and are willing to walk the extra mile for your own blood. I understand some here for sure the kids is better off without. No doubt

[susanlea]

1 minute ago, Hummin said:

 

Enough bs from you, a foreigner can and will get custody if he can prove the kid is better off with him than the mom! It happens, or if not, I know embassy have resources to help to manage to get the kid back to England. 

 

It is about taking responsibility and do what you can if you are a good person, and are willing to walk the extra mile for your own blood. I understand some here for sure the kids is better off without. No doubt

So you want to steal a 3yo daughter from her mother. What a terrible idea. Is it full moon today? The nuts are out.

[susanlea]

On 6/16/2024 at 2:52 PM, HenryRoths said:

Hi everyone,

I’ve been living in northern Thailand for twelve years and married to my Thai wife for seven. We’ve had our ups and downs, but recently things have become unbearable for me, and I am trying to figure out how to move forward. In the perfect situation, I would like to go back to my own country in Europe, but it's not so simple. I'll explain. 

Firstly, the financial strain induced from her family is becoming overwhelming. Not just the actual money, but the emotional burden too. Her family constantly asks for money, and recently it began taking a toll on my savings. Her father has a serious gambling problem is what I believe is the underlying issue, and I’ve bailed him out more times than I can count, but the excuse is always that he needs money to help keep his commercial truck repair business afloat. It’s reached a point where I feel like I’m also enabling this hidden gambling problem of his.

On top of that, and I know that people will find this shocking, but I’ve started to suspect that my wife’s “brother” might actually be her boyfriend. He’s always around, and they seem overly familiar with each other in ways that make me uncomfortable. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she gets defensive and angry and accuses me of not trusting her or her family. 

I was told secretly once many years ago by an uncle of hers in the family that her mother had various boyfriends when she was younger, but also already married to my wife's father at that time. Some even suspect some of her older siblings might have a different father because they are much darker skinned than my wife and the 3 other younger siblings. So maybe my wife is no different than her own mother in that sense in terms of infidelity when already married. Apples don't fall too far from the tree, right?

We also have a three-year-old daughter together, and that’s what makes this situation even harder. I’m considering ending the relationship because I can’t continue living like this, but I’m deeply worried about my daughter. I don’t want her to grow up without her father around, and I fear what kind of environment she’ll be raised in if I leave. Even though I would be sending financial support for my daughter after any separation, I don't trust the family values my daughter might grow up with from always being surrounded by my wife's family. 

I would really like to be able to take my daughter and go back to Europe. That would be the best case scenario. I still have a house there and she would get a good education. I’ve thought about trying to get custody, but I know that’s incredibly difficult for a man here in Thailand, especially for a foreigner. I want to do what’s best for my daughter, but I’m stuck between staying in a toxic relationship or leaving and potentially losing my daughter.

Has anyone been through something similar here in Thailand? 

Thanks. 

Only 2 problems here

1 gambling

2 possible boyfriend

 

I don't see drug use or violence