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    1.    Asked one of them Trump geezers for directions and he points at the bloody sky, goes, “Just follow the chemtrails, bruv.” Like I’m meant to hop on a cloud or summat.
    2.    Bloke next door’s a full-on Trumper. Tried fixing his Wi-Fi by slapping a “Make America Great Again” sticker on his router like it’s some magic spell.
    3.    One told me he’s living off the grid. Nah mate, you just didn’t pay your leccy bill. That ain’t rebellion, that’s being skint and clueless.
    4.    Told a Trumper the vaccine’s got microchips in it. He goes, “Sweet, maybe I’ll finally get decent 5G.” Man’s excited to be tracked like a Deliveroo order.
    5.    Went to a garage sale, right, proper redneck setup. Bloke was flogging bottles of “freedom air” for a tenner a sniff. I said, “What’s next, patriot dust?”
    6.    Got invited to a barbecue by one of ‘em. Turned up, it’s just five lads standing round a bin fire chucking in books they never read. “Land of the free,” my arse.
    7.    One of ‘em rings tech support, dead serious, cos he thought the little mouse on his screen needed batteries. Couldn’t make it up.
    8.    Asked a Trumper how he knows what’s true. He pats his gut and says, “I just feel it.” Yeah well, your gut also reckons Elvis is alive and birds are government drones.
    9.    Me cousin’s one too. Proper helmet. Wears a tinfoil hat in the shower “just in case.” I said, “In case of what, waterproof mind control?”
    10.    Met one in Walmart banging on how masks don’t work, right. Bloke’s also got socks on his hands saying, “Stops the government scanning me fingerprints.” I said, “Mate, the only thing you’re hiding is common sense.”

 

But bloody best part about nipping down Home Depot? Clocking a Trumper on the till thick as mince, scanning half me bits then waving me through like it’s all in order. Walk out grinning with a trolley full of gear and half me dosh still in me sky rocket. Cheers, patriot—God bless America and her clueless cashiers.

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