Woke Up With a Dodgy Back, Ended Up With a Faceful ~ Amazing Patts!

[Lewie London]

Woke up this morning feeling like I’d been run over by a bloody baht bus, back stiff as a seaman out on shore leave and neck creaking like a dodgy door. Happens every so often, so off I trundle to me usual traditional massage joint that opens early, the one tucked down that Buakhao side soi near the joint that does proper NY pizza by the slice. I pop in for a rub every fortnight religiously, whether I’m in bits or not, just to keep meself limber.

 

Me usual gal's named Lek, which always gives me a right chuckle ’cause she’s built like a rugby prop, nothing “small” about that big bird, but today she weren’t there. The receptionist suggests another bird named Noi. Now Noi is proper compact. But, I shrug and go with it anyway, reckon they’re all trained the same, even the little 40kg ones. 

 

As I’m getting settled, Noi asks if I want the same as usual and then leans in real close, sniffing me neck like she’s checking if I’m powdered up. I says, yeah love, but a bit unusual that sniff bit? 

 

No worries lads, we plod on. In I go, she gets cracking on me back, kneading out the knots, and I’m already feeling like a new Lewie. Then she flips me over to work on me front, like they normally do, a bit after midway into the gig, and I’m just drifting off with me gob hanging open, probably snoring. 

 

Next, she leans in and goes, “You Lewie, Lek customer?” I mumbles "yeah", eyes half shut. She smiles and says, “I know how Lek do for you, na. I give you same same ok, na.”

 

I’m thinking brilliant, she knows just how to sort me out with that front shoulder rub I like. Next thing I know, I feel something wet and fuzzy pressing down on me face. I open me eyes and she’s completely in the nip, doing the full gym floor splits across me cakehole like she’s auditioning for bloody Cirque du Soleil. 

 

Proper "bloody hell" moment, lads. I thought, well, yeah, it’s already on the menu, might as well tuck in. And fair play, no complaint about an unexpected face massage from the bearded walnut.

 

But I’m lying there afterwards scratching me noggin thinkin', since when did Lek give anyone this kind of “usual”? She’s never so much as gotten within 6” of me bell-end before, let alone dropped her giblets on me chops, followed by a bang-tidy tug.

 

As I paid up, I threw in a nice tip for the gal. God bless her private parts. Then I'm legging it out the door thinking next time someone asks if I want the “usual” then better to inquire what's on the menu first or I might get some ladyboy's meat and two veg parked across me arse or maybe a copper at the door slapping on the cuffs. 

 

As I'm makin' me escape, the receptionist leans over the counter with a grin bigger than a lottery winner and goes, “Good massage today, na?” like she’d been watching the whole bloody Lewie show on VHS reruns. Bet there’s a fekkin CCTV back there showing the shop minders who gets what behind them dodgy curtains. Thailand, eh? Never a quiet one.

[Keeps]

Back on form 👍

[Peter Crow]

What is a "doggy back" ?

[newbee2022]

A bit soapy today but good description what to expect going to a massage 😂

[Harrisfan]

48 minutes ago, Lewie London said:

Woke up this morning feeling like I’d been run over by a bloody baht bus, back stiff as a seaman out on shore leave and neck creaking like a dodgy door. Happens every so often, so off I trundle to me usual traditional massage joint that opens early, the one tucked down that Buakhao side soi near the joint that does proper NY pizza by the slice. I pop in for a rub every fortnight religiously, whether I’m in bits or not, just to keep meself limber.

 

Me usual gal's named Lek, which always gives me a right chuckle ’cause she’s built like a rugby prop, nothing “small” about that big bird, but today she weren’t there. The receptionist suggests another bird named Noi. Now Noi is proper compact. But, I shrug and go with it anyway, reckon they’re all trained the same, even the little 40kg ones. 

 

As I’m getting settled, Noi asks if I want the same as usual and then leans in real close, sniffing me neck like she’s checking if I’m powdered up. I says, yeah love, but a bit unusual that sniff bit? 

 

No worries lads, we plod on. In I go, she gets cracking on me back, kneading out the knots, and I’m already feeling like a new Lewie. Then she flips me over to work on me front, like they normally do, a bit after midway into the gig, and I’m just drifting off with me gob hanging open, probably snoring. 

 

Next, she leans in and goes, “You Lewie, Lek customer?” I mumbles "yeah", eyes half shut. She smiles and says, “I know how Lek do for you, na. I give you same same ok, na.”

 

I’m thinking brilliant, she knows just how to sort me out with that front shoulder rub I like. Next thing I know, I feel something wet and fuzzy pressing down on me face. I open me eyes and she’s completely in the nip, doing the full gym floor splits across me cakehole like she’s auditioning for bloody Cirque du Soleil. 

 

Proper "bloody hell" moment, lads. I thought, well, yeah, it’s already on the menu, might as well tuck in. And fair play, no complaint about an unexpected face massage from the bearded walnut.

 

But I’m lying there afterwards scratching me noggin thinkin', since when did Lek give anyone this kind of “usual”? She’s never so much as gotten within 6” of me bell-end before, let alone dropped her giblets on me chops, followed by a bang-tidy tug.

 

As I paid up, I threw in a nice tip for the gal. God bless her private parts. Then I'm legging it out the door thinking next time someone asks if I want the “usual” then better to inquire what's on the menu first or I might get some ladyboy's meat and two veg parked across me arse or maybe a copper at the door slapping on the cuffs. 

 

As I'm makin' me escape, the receptionist leans over the counter with a grin bigger than a lottery winner and goes, “Good massage today, na?” like she’d been watching the whole bloody Lewie show on VHS reruns. Bet there’s a fekkin CCTV back there showing the shop minders who gets what behind them dodgy curtains. Thailand, eh? Never a quiet one.

What would Jordan Peterson think of this?

[tkramer]

Just another 'empty-life' lonely old man seeking company from strangers...

[BLMFem]

Keep 'em coming, Lewie.

Still cracks me up every time I see a new post from him with a bunch of thumbs down emojis underneath. That's lameness taken to the next level.😄

[Stuck in Thailand]

What's with the silly Danny Dyer act?

[Stuck in Thailand]

37 minutes ago, BLMFem said:

Keep 'em coming, Lewie.

Still cracks me up every time I see a new post from him with a bunch of thumbs down emojis underneath. That's lameness taken to the next level.😄

 

You seriously need to get a life fella. Stuck in the sticks?

[Stuck in Thailand]

1 hour ago, tkramer said:

Just another 'empty-life' lonely old man seeking company from strangers...

 

Yep, there's a few of them here.

[BLMFem]

1 minute ago, Stuck in Thailand said:

 

You seriously need to get a life fella. Stuck in the sticks?

"You seriously need to get a life fella."

Really? You've been a forum member for 16 hours and already talk like an old hand. Impressive!

 

"Stuck in the sticks?"

I'm living in Pattaya, so that means you're the one living in the sticks. But hey, to each his own.

[Stuck in Thailand]

Just now, BLMFem said:

"You seriously need to get a life fella."

Really? You've been a forum member for 16 hours and already talk like an old hand. Impressive!

 

"Stuck in the sticks?"

I'm living in Pattaya, so that means you're the one living in the sticks. But hey, to each his own.

 

I am an old hand, and my point still stands. Anything else?

[VocalNeal]

Woke Up With a Dodgy Back

 

Was that before or after your scooter got knocked over at a Chicken Rice cart. Do you really think anyone else is interested. What a sad existence. 

 

Who cares who is old hand , left hand, right hand.  What a bunch of sad people.

 

 

[short-Timer]

10 minutes ago, Stuck in Thailand said:

 

I am an old hand, and my point still stands. Anything else?

Is that you bob? 

[BLMFem]

17 minutes ago, Stuck in Thailand said:

 

I am an old hand, and my point still stands. Anything else?

Buddy, you didn't have a point, Maybe that is what caused your confusion?

[BLMFem]

10 minutes ago, short-Timer said:

Is that you bob? 

I think it is. The account is less than 24 hrs old but he seems to know it all already.😄

[BLMFem]

17 minutes ago, VocalNeal said:

Woke Up With a Dodgy Back

 

Was that before or after your scooter got knocked over at a Chicken Rice cart. Do you really think anyone else is interested. What a sad existence. 

 

Who cares who is old hand , left hand, right hand.  What a bunch of sad people.

 

 

Which begs the question what are you doing here?

[Quentin Zen]

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[Stuck in Thailand]

18 minutes ago, BLMFem said:

Buddy, you didn't have a point, Maybe that is what caused your confusion?

 

''keep 'em coming Lewie'' hahaha.

[jvs]

For some reason i was thinking a ladyboy gave you a facefull,after reading it it seems you are still ok.

[Harrisfan]

1 hour ago, Stuck in Thailand said:

 

You seriously need to get a life fella. Stuck in the sticks?

Stuck in a room

[madone]

1 hour ago, BLMFem said:

Really? You've been a forum member for 16 hours and already talk like an old hand. Impressive!

 

strange card to throw down when you too are a relatively recent commodity that came out guns blazing

 

[Bumstead]

I wouldn't let a ho box anywhere near my mouth. You are a dirty old man Lew.

[short-Timer]

1 hour ago, Harrisfan said:

Stuck in a room

Oh, look, it's the site most unpopular troll shouting from his mum's basement. Obsessed about Thailand, but has never even been there. How sad. 

[proton]

3 hours ago, BLMFem said:

"You seriously need to get a life fella."

Really? You've been a forum member for 16 hours and already talk like an old hand. Impressive!

 

"Stuck in the sticks?"

I'm living in Pattaya, so that means you're the one living in the sticks. But hey, to each his own.

 

It's obvious where you were living, an open air brothel is right up your street 😆

[papa al]

Last time papa got a massage,

the exact same thing happened.