Having Affairs Whilst You Are In Relationship

[mikethevigoman]

No..It is not about me. I am just nosey

I have read threads from Thai Forum, Pantip.com. There is a 39 years old Thai woman, siamese girl,Nan, claims that she has an expat partner from England who has relationship with her for about 10 years. Although she does not want to have kid because she thinks it is an obstacle of having fun, her brit partner wants to have a real family from time to time.

She said she was graduated from Australia and was a new generation with funky head. Whilst her expat partner has to go abroad few times a month, she has fun with her affiars.

Well, That is her life and her choice, I can not blame her.However, I do not think it is the right way. I think it is cheating. If i had a bf, partner or hubby, I would not do like this. I think it is nasty. (and I do not want to be treated like this if my future guy does like "siamese girl")

Having relationship is to respect the other side. Seem her brit partner does not know about her secret lovers.

So, what do you guys think about this issue?

Having (an) affair(s) whilst you have relationship is right or wrong??

I see this all the time living in pattaya, ill go as far as to say i only know 2 people that dont " fool around ",. .these guys make me laugh really, they are confident in the thought that there little thai bride is at home knitting whilst they are at the winchester or similar going short time, when in fact in most cases the women are at it also and probably glad to see the back of them ,.of course this is payyaya and the type that lives here, however to answer your question i think its wrong, an extramarital affair is a very dangerous thing,. i for one dont have affairs as i have a conscience, i travel and i could get away with it, however when i think about the look on my wifes and my 5 year old daughters face if they found out it would break my heart,. if you value what you have dont play with fire is my advice,.

[mikethevigoman]

Yes, I think that "cheat" is the operative word here.

Anyone who thinks of extra-marital or extra-relational sexual intimacy as "cheating" should not do it.

For me, I do not think of sexual intimacy as cheating. Along with this belief, I do not allow the ugliest-of-all-emotions --JEALOUSY--to have a place in my relationship. Love is one thing, sex is another.

Agreed. As long as both partners share and agree to this view.

if it were only that easy,.sex and love,. ask these guys that came for a holiday and went with a bg , initially for sex, next thing, bang emotions ( normaly one sided ) then the trouble starts ,.if you are sure you can think as extra-marital relations as sex only then fine,.but if you are tempted to let your emotions slide, theres the start of problems, next you will be wanting to know what she/he is up to and then as you mentioned that ugly emotion,jealousy rears his head ,the rest as they say is history,.!

[mikethevigoman]

BambinA, I see your responses to this problem have apparently only been answered by straight people who think in terms of straight relationships, conditioned for centuries as Westerners that one woman marries one man and they are both virgins and they have sex only to have babies (who become good Christians and repeat the cycle) and they never cheat and always go to church and pay tithes. They all come from traditional patriarchies, where the Man must know who his Sons are and not have to worry that the boys in the house were sired by another Man.

Sorry, but birth control has now made this dream world obsolete, and it seldom worked very well. Some men have always cheated on their wives, and wives have cheated, too.

On the other hand, if the Brit guy has a boyfriend or three, and his wife has a girlfriend or three, nobody gets pregnant. If they all use birth control successfully, and do hetero "cheating" then nobody gets pregnant. You see, the fact that the culture considers it as "cheating" defines it as such.

I don't cheat, but I might have several boyfriends.

The truth is we are all different with different needs ,and my short answer is if what you are doing would hurt you then dont do it to others,.

[chicowoodduck]

To me this is a no-brainer: If you have a relationship, you don't screw around on the side. If the relationship is not good, then rather end it before you go to someone else. But that is just me, your mileage may vary on this.

If you can do it, you probably would also make a good criminal........lies and deceit have no business in a loving relationship, unless of course you have no brain.

[mikethevigoman]

BambinA, I see your responses to this problem have apparently only been answered by straight people who think in terms of straight relationships, conditioned for centuries as Westerners that one woman marries one man and they are both virgins and they have sex only to have babies (who become good Christians and repeat the cycle) and they never cheat and always go to church and pay tithes. They all come from traditional patriarchies, where the Man must know who his Sons are and not have to worry that the boys in the house were sired by another Man.

The only problem with this argument is that while Westerners may have all grown up in these "traditional patriarchies" and been "conditioned for centuries", they all seem to be coming to their own conclusions. There would appear to be an element of free will :-)

I know Westerners who are all for open relationships, those who think its ok for them to have as much sex as possible but want their partner to remain faithful and those who think they would kill if their partner were to be unfaithful. I also know many who love their children so much they would not want to risk causing any disruption to their stable family life.

For me it's just a question of prioratisation. My relationship with the one I love is very important to me. A quick shag with someone I don't have feelings for is fast losing its appeal as I enter my 40s.

well put,.it must be to do with getting older ,. im feeling the same, although it came a little later in life

[sonnyJ]

Yes, I think that "cheat" is the operative word here.

Anyone who thinks of extra-marital or extra-relational sexual intimacy as "cheating" should not do it.

For me, I do not think of sexual intimacy as cheating. Along with this belief, I do not allow the ugliest-of-all-emotions --JEALOUSY--to have a place in my relationship. Love is one thing, sex is another.

Agreed. As long as both partners share and agree to this view.

I somehow agree with you. Love vs. sex is definitely a different thing. Then comes the jealousy.

As I read the original post this woman is in some kind of a committed relationship. Then she's cheating the good hearted guy.

Well maybe I misunderstood. When we talk about cheating we are already in deep moral definition of the word. I will leave the morals for everyone to decide for them selves but see the problem number 1 Diseases. Also to return the original point sex. Sex is sex. One night stand has nothing to do with having a 2nd relationship or affair. And will not hurt actual relationship, especially if agreed upon. Only in your mind if you wish. It can destroy it though. Then we can move to something called affairs. Fak buddies. And so on. This will bring the jealousy in the picture and so on. Probably personal fears of losing what you love or need. Well there are many kinds of relationships. Bambi didn't define these situations clearly but I hope you can understand my view on the subject. Sadly most people don't think this way.

[sonnyJ]

Yes, I think that "cheat" is the operative word here.

Anyone who thinks of extra-marital or extra-relational sexual intimacy as "cheating" should not do it.

For me, I do not think of sexual intimacy as cheating. Along with this belief, I do not allow the ugliest-of-all-emotions --JEALOUSY--to have a place in my relationship. Love is one thing, sex is another.

Agreed. As long as both partners share and agree to this view.

if it were only that easy,.sex and love,. ask these guys that came for a holiday and went with a bg , initially for sex, next thing, bang emotions ( normaly one sided ) then the trouble starts ,.if you are sure you can think as extra-marital relations as sex only then fine,.but if you are tempted to let your emotions slide, theres the start of problems, next you will be wanting to know what she/he is up to and then as you mentioned that ugly emotion,jealousy rears his head ,the rest as they say is history,.!

Yea, That's what I meant.

[mikethevigoman]

This is a question of personal morals. Relationships mean different things to different people but, IMO a relationship without respect ( amongst many other things ) is meaningless. For me, sex outside of the relationship shows a total lack of respect for your partner along with a complete disregard for their feelings. I ask myself a simple question, how would I feel if my wife was sexually unfaithful to me? Doesn't really require an answer.

Torrenova made a good point concerning a change of feeling for your partner. I would have to say that if the relationship is beyond repair then it's time to go your separate ways. Obviously more complex with children involved but, even then, a divorce prior to having another partner can only help towards a reasonably amicable break.

Affairs happen for many reasons ( most beyond my understanding ) but, I cannot believe that anything good could come out of the situation if it's discovered. Even if an affair were to remain secret there must be a certain sense of guilt being carried around. Not for me!!

Me too,. that is the word, RESPECT, any secret affair is showing a total lack of it,.and if you end up with this person that was your mia noy or whatever can you fully respect them when they had an affair with a married man ? /woman,...if yes then you deserve each other,.

[mikethevigoman]

To me this is a no-brainer: If you have a relationship, you don't screw around on the side. If the relationship is not good, then rather end it before you go to someone else. But that is just me, your mileage may vary on this.

If you can do it, you probably would also make a good criminal........lies and deceit have no business in a loving relationship, unless of course you have no brain.

if you can deceive its a lack of conscience item also, a danger to all ,especially yourself,.

[Felt 35]

She is a farang banana and she is bored sleeping with the one guy for the rest of her life.

Monkey and coconuts come to my mind

[teacup]

If I were the guy, i don't think it's fair for me if she just hooked up with me because her boyfriend is away and she is lonely. An affair is an affair, and no, it is not ok to have an affair. Period!! Do you really want to share your woman with another man?

In my opinion, cheating on someone is one of the cruelest things you can ever do to them, no matter what reasons you are with that person.

Then again I’m a good thai girl and a one man woman.

You're saying that it is not fair for a girl to date more than one man at a time, or vice versa? I look at this as being a long-term date - kind of like someone you can always count on. It doesn't mean you're cheating, because you never made any firm commitment in the first place.

If she said to him, "I won't date anyone else" or "I'll be yours forever" or something along those lines - I'd agree with you. Until such time as a commitment has been made, however, a person should be free to do as he or she pleases. It's the same as you working for your family, without any firm commitment, until one day you find a job which suits you - and then you leave. The fact that you tried a few other jobs, or part-time assignments, in between does not constitute cheating on your family unless you told them that you would only work for them.

Of course men love a woman like this. They get to come over, get what they want then go back and spend time with a real woman.

May be I was growing up in a diff kind of environment and upbringing, and to me it’s an immoral and disrespectful to yourself and the people involved. It will eventually hurt everyone involved at the end.

But again may be because I’m a woman and looking at things or any relationships with seriousness and feeling. To me when you’re in a real/true/healthy relationship, there is normally “an unspoken agreement” in a relationship that you are fully and wholly committed to the person you're dating. Wouldn't you want to know if your insatiable woman is dating other man or two timing you?? It also shows a lack of brain power and constraint. You are telling yourself that those men mean nothing more to you than a casual passing of the times. Those would not be the type of women I would like to meet/hang out with, or have among my circle of friends.

Therefore I still think it's a wrong thing to do, but that's just my opinion

[mikethevigoman]

She is a farang banana and she is bored sleeping with the one guy for the rest of her life.

Monkey and coconuts come to my mind

yes just the sort of woman to get involved with !

[mikethevigoman]

If I were the guy, i don't think it's fair for me if she just hooked up with me because her boyfriend is away and she is lonely. An affair is an affair, and no, it is not ok to have an affair. Period!! Do you really want to share your woman with another man?

In my opinion, cheating on someone is one of the cruelest things you can ever do to them, no matter what reasons you are with that person.

Then again I'm a good thai girl and a one man woman.

You're saying that it is not fair for a girl to date more than one man at a time, or vice versa? I look at this as being a long-term date - kind of like someone you can always count on. It doesn't mean you're cheating, because you never made any firm commitment in the first place.

If she said to him, "I won't date anyone else" or "I'll be yours forever" or something along those lines - I'd agree with you. Until such time as a commitment has been made, however, a person should be free to do as he or she pleases. It's the same as you working for your family, without any firm commitment, until one day you find a job which suits you - and then you leave. The fact that you tried a few other jobs, or part-time assignments, in between does not constitute cheating on your family unless you told them that you would only work for them.

Of course men love a woman like this. They get to come over, get what they want then go back and spend time with a real woman.

May be I was growing up in a diff kind of environment and upbringing, and to me it's an immoral and disrespectful to yourself and the people involved. It will eventually hurt everyone involved at the end.

But again may be because I'm a woman and looking at things or any relationships with seriousness and feeling. To me when you're in a real/true/healthy relationship, there is normally "an unspoken agreement" in a relationship that you are fully and wholly committed to the person you're dating. Wouldn't you want to know if your insatiable woman is dating other man or two timing you?? It also shows a lack of brain power and constraint. You are telling yourself that those men mean nothing more to you than a casual passing of the times. Those would not be the type of women I would like to meet/hang out with, or have among my circle of friends.

Therefore I still think it's a wrong thing to do, but that's just my opinion

I agree with you, just because you didnt set it in stone dosent mean you dont expect your partner to remain faithful,..some things go without saying,if you consider that just because it want mentioned then its fine to do we are on different planets, if agreed thats a whole different story,. if i stumbled upon a woman i was seeing with another man and when i questioned it she said "well i never did say you were the only one " id think to myself how have i been so stupid to not realise what she was like and id end it there ,but im funny like that,.

[Suszzy]

Affairs happen for many reasons ( most beyond my understanding ) but, I cannot believe that anything good could come out of the situation if it's discovered. Even if an affair were to remain secret there must be a certain sense of guilt being carried around. Not for me!!

well said.!!!

[markwhite]

Having (an) affair(s) whilst you have relationship is right or wrong??

I've voted 'wrong', but that is only my choice for my life. It is none of my business what anyone else wants to do with their life.

[a2396]

It all depends I think on the basis of the main relationship, and importantly informed consent.

It takes all sorts to make the world go around, I'm sure some couples are fine with both or one of them off enjoying themselves elsewhere.

However I suspect the vast majority of cases where one or both partners in a relationship are playing away from home, this is done without the knowledge of consent of the person being cheated on.

And that is where there is a clear distinction between right and wrong.

Never mind the reasons for cheating, there is no excuse for not being adult enough to be honest with your partner.

(I note here that I have posted in the past on the seemingly large numbers of foreign men married to Thai women in Thailand are playing away from home).

And then there is the observation of a friend of mine.

There is plenty enough for any man at home - Some guys just can't reach it.

The same undoubtedly goes for women.

Sorry I should add, since others have - In my own marriage - I've been fortunate to meet and marry the perfect woman for me - There simply are no other women in my life and will not be.

I agree with most of what you say. It best to be "up front' with your partner if possible. If there are long absences away from each other there might be some reason for "extra cirricular" activities. Unfortunately, such honest communication is not the norm. As for the comment that there is plenty available at home, that is quite an assumption. LOS is a place where many women may be involved with foreign men primarily for money. I have seen many women here with "old maid Auntie" attitudes about sex. I suppose some of this may be explained by the fact that they really have little physical attraction to the man. Others may be stifled with the various sexual taboos prevalent in the society here. Getting all you want at home with this kind of mentality is impossible.

[wamberal]

I am in a long term relationship, otherwise known as a marriage.

I know that if I were to have a sexual relationship with another woman, there is a chance that my wife would find out about it, sooner or later.

So, whatever the rights or wrongs of an affair, I have to ask myself how I would handle the break-up of my marriage, because that is what would happen, were my wife to be aware of my infidelity.

[Beardog]

I guess it comes down to truly a moral issue.

When I was younger It really didn't matter as much as when I started to grow up & caring about my personal integrity as well as my significant others feelings. Even when I was in a relationship & played around. I knew dam_n well it was a cheesy thing to do.

I guess you have to ask yourself -How would you feel if you loved someone & were monogamous & your spouse or girlfriend -or boyfriend played the field while you are together. Again it all depends on the ground rules set in the beginning of the relationship. If it is an open relationship(which seems to very rarely work out) thats different. If your 16-20 something years old it is tough to get tied down & I would not consider the rules the same as we tend to be more fickle & less seasoned to the ways of the world! And cheating is still cheating.

If you really care about someone, there really should be no need for carousing around. It is normal human behavior to look at the opposite sex(or maybe the same sex pending on ones orientation) And I would never begrudge my mate the right to look & would feel smothered if she did not give me the same consideration. Most of my relationships I have been in, we usually joke about if he or she is cute or handsome anyway. I never have been insecure in this regard.

If you really do love the one your with - Why would you think the grass is greener on the other side or the better question is Why would you want to crush the mate you care about by thinking with your brain between your legs!

+ your chances of getting diseases will definitely be increasing & no-one ever believes I got it from a toilet seat excuse.

If your not happy who you are with, I think the right thing to do is end it & then go shopping. Always plenty of time to hookup afterwards. And oddly enough I am still friends with my ex flames. Albeit a few I do not care to talk to. Doing the right thing

does have advantage. I have already had my fill & now something special (even with the bumps in the road) is more important to me.

[chanchao]

As the poll doesn't have an option "Ok for me, but not okay for my partner" , I couldn't vote.

[meemiathai]

There is nothing that my partner cannot do. I love her and I want her to be as happy as possible in her life time. So she can choose to do anything. Anything that makes her happy.

[Chang_paarp]

Males are not bred for monogomoy, spread the gene pool Like a lion in a jungle.

To raise children well its best for a mother and father so society drives us that way.

How many rich men are monogomous ?

10% OF CHILDREN BORN IN WEDLOCK IN uK ARE NOT AFTHERED BY THE HUSBAND, this was found out and will not be pushed for obvious reasons.

A lot of people stay with 1 partner for financial reasons and they are scared to start again..

In my view some women are happy being faithfull, but I dont believe men are IMHO

Different strokes for differnt folks, how many of your married freinds are jealous of you going to Los ?

Whats right for one is wrong for another, right for me I have never stayed faithfull I am incapable.. know yourself

The statistics I have seen, ones published by the DNA test clinics indicate that the number is between 20% and 35% depending on the source, this is of course a biased sample as there is usually a reason someone is getting a DNA test.

Back to OP for me it is a hard call, I have been in marriage where my wife was unfaithful, I usually knew when. I did not particularly like it but accepted it as part of her. It was some of her other personality traits that resulted in my leaving. So it is down to the individuals involved.

[Ozziepaul]

What about a situation where each spouse/partner loves the other and the love is genuine, yet one or both of the spouses/partners actually agree to extra-marital indulgences, with the only constraints, appart from safe sex, being no drain on the family income and no disruption to family life or members?

This can be either a straight or gay relationship, take your pick?

Interesting I doth think.

Big Paulee.

[BambinA]

What about a situation where each spouse/partner loves the other and the love is genuine, yet one or both of the spouses/partners actually agree to extra-marital indulgences,

That is another story. If they had opened-relationship, it would be okay (as she dares to tell her boy that she has affairs)

This case is about a guy or girl even gay has commitment, and his/her partner wants to have fun without making a deal with his/her halve.

As I know from siamese girl,Nan, post . Her Brit does not know that she shags for fun behind his back. He just works and works.

No, I do not blame the 39 yo,Nan. She has her right to do what she wants. I just do not want to do the same as her.

Edited December 12, 2007 by BambinA

[katana]

Anyone got the link to the original Pantip thread?

[thaihedgehog]

it's called a SIDE-DISH nothing wrong with that.

[camerata]

The reason why I make a thread here because I want to know about farangs' opinion.

"siamese girl" said her brit partner loved her loads and no cheating.

If she's a Buddhist, she's breaking the 3rd precept and possibly the 4th (if she's being dishonest about it). The overall idea of the precepts is to ensure that no one gets hurt - including ourselves - but I think her partner will be very hurt when he finds out about this. She might be too. What if she catches herpes from one of her gik?

Basically, I think we should treat others as we want to be treated ourselves, but I doubt she would be happy if her guy was sleeping around too.

She is a farang banana and she is bored sleeping with the one guy for the rest of her life. She said she loved him too

I doubt it. It seems more like she just wants the security of a steady partner while living her life as if she were single.

[onethailand]

I doubt it. It seems more like she just wants the security of a steady partner while living her life as if she were single.

Exactly.

[BambinA]

Anyone got the link to the original Pantip thread?

There are many threads such as

A Thai affair (a married guy)

post# 30 A French Affair

post#8 An Italian Affair