"Are you married? "

"No, I'm divorced."

"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"

"A lot of things I didn't know about."

"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"

"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

"Could you see him from where you were standing? "

"I could see his head."

"And where was his head?"

"Just above his shoulders."

"...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"

"The victim lived."

"What happened then?"

"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

"Did he kill you?"

"No."

"Can you describe the individual?"

"He was about medium height and had a beard."

"Was this a male, or a female?"

"Are you sexually active?"

"No, I just lie there."

"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

"Yes, I have been since early childhood."

Seems to be paraphrased from the 'original' version I heard some years ago, but I like it.

So the lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said, "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No, I did not," said the doctor.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way...

The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."