My Weekend Away

[DJ Pat]

I haven’t been to Koh Samui for almost three years and back then many veteran island enthusiasts were moaning about the building of Mc######s and Star######s, which I’ll agree with are not really part of Island culture. But when was Samui ever an island? Only when there was blogger all electric and no plumbing to speak of will I have ever considered the place an island. Now it is home to many guys.... Everywhere you yurn some tattooed man lurks with his young brown Thai female companion. No offence but apart from the odd exception, that’s the case.

Anyway to make use of 30,000 soon to be expiring Thai Airways miles I booked two round trip tickets to Surat Thani and made some plans with a naughty girl I know to spend four days with me in Island paradise. This naughty girl I know has a boyfriend. She knows that I know and I know that she knows that I know so it’s a mutual agreement that suits the pair of us. There’s no “asking permission” if you catch my drift.

So we met up near my apartment and jumped straight into a taxi and into a traffic jam but made the airport on time, getting dumped at the International terminal and having to trek down that long fibre glass tunnel that connects to the domestic terminal. Checked in and had dinner and went to the desk to enquire about hotels in Surat Thani, as we were landing at a time far too late to catch any boat across to Samui.

“Yes sir good hotel, Wang Tai, only 2250 baht include transfer” that sounded ok, so I booked it just to save the hassle. My companion was getting a bit fussy at the spice levels of the food and had to be ticked off for getting uppity at the staff “Who the ###### do you think you are” was my criticism of her if I can recall. “calm down, this is meant to be a relaxed trip” I was already regretting my choice of company and the plane was still on the tarmac.

We took off and landed at our destination to be met by a scruffy green silk attired hotel employee with a minibus and enjoyed a high speed 20 minute transfer to our hotel which turned out to be an 850 baht per night average Joe’s lodging where I’d paid 2250 at the airport including transfer, so I’d been scammed out of about 1200 baht like some two week tourist, and the room had two single beds, hardly the ingredient of a night of sin. Being sick of sliding through the middle of two single beds pushed together I kicked up a stink and got ‘upgraded’ to a room three floors lower with a big bed and a view of a field of plastic bottles.

“Where’s the UBC and free fruit bowl?” moaned my co-traveller “this is the last time I elope anywhere with you” was her continued complaint. This was increasingly getting like being on holiday with my ex-wife.

We hit a seafood gaff and the only club in the town, a chipmonk techno place called “Yes Sir” (how original) that blasted music so loud that you could have had a conversation with youself and still not have sounded coherent. Three beers later and a sweaty ear we headed back to the hotel for 40 winks. More complaining and eight hours later we were heading for Don Sak to catch the Seatran Ferry to Nathorn, Samui.

Upon arrival at Nathorn we were reminded of what was in store. “500 baht to Choeng Mon, taxi have meter” Christ, what kind of meter was it? “Ok just get us there”

I was staying with an old school mate who I hadn’t seen for almost 20 years so was excited at catching up on some North London gossip. Nathan runs TEFL on Samui, a school that teaches teachers to teach and rewards them with a TEFL certificate. A very efficient outfit I’ll add too.

“Is this all we have?” my co-star moaned upon sight of the single bed I’d requested Nathan provide. “Never mind” she said, with that knowing look.

We hit Chaweng with gusto, checking out the Green Mango (cool tunes), Bar Solo (empty) and a cocktail place out on the main drag. Then headed back to Nathans for some more shut-eye and booze.

Went to the beach at Cheng Mon, one of the better beaches on the Island and had to do the jetski alone as she didn’t wanna get tanned. I teased her saying that she was already dark (she isn’t) and she went ballistic. That comment by myself in effect destroyed the entire weekend and my patience with this difficult girl.

Next day was seeing my mate in Lamai and enjoying a few VAT’s (vodka and tonics) in the rain whilst the girl moaned about how she could have been having fun in Bangkok with her mate at Mystique Club. “Why don’t you go there then?” I asked her. “What? now?” “Yes, why not?” I was losing it big time with this cow.

More alcohol and intoxicators later and a steamy clinch and I was asleep, waking up to a very poor version of ‘Rhinestone Cowboy’ being sung at the remnants of last nights party next door still going strong. Nathan was apologetic but I hadn’t really heard it as the aircon in the room made it sound like we were staying in a snow blizzard lodge in Switzerland somewhere.

The final straw came at midday when I was accused of being crazy for having an in-depth conversation with a beach soi dog . I did this deliberately to show the silly cow that the dog was better conversation and proceeded to feed my entire club sandwich to it. She got up and left in a huff and I didn’t bother following her. I found her sitting on the porch of the house sulking.

“You coming to the beach then?”

“No I’m allergic to sand”

“Oh that’s a first”

“Yes I forgot to tell you”

This was getting tiresome now.

“Why don’t you spend the rest of the trip in the house then…no in fact why don’t you <deleted> off back to Bangkok actually”

So she packed her bags oh-so slowly and expected me to say “Sorry I don’t mean it” but this ain’t my girlfriend or anything, just a bit of fun in my eyes.

I went with her to a tour office and got a bus / boat / bus organized. And off she went. Nobody makes a monkey out of DJ Pat.

I enjoyed the final night with a friend in Lamai and later sipped cocktails alone at The Deck on Chaweng, reflecting on the waste of time my co-traveller had been overall but then again I had asked her to come so what the ###### did I expect? I surely didn’t expect a difficult Lucy Liu type that’s for sure. Still had fun.

As I boarded the ferry back to Don Sak and perused the only worn out copy of the Bangkok Post (borrowed from a miserable cockney bloke with his young BG type friend) I chuckled to myself thinking that the silly cow would still be traveling on the bus while I would be departing from a practically deserted Surat Thani airport, despite her 12 hour headstart. Fabulous.

Additional thanks goes to Text and Talk and TEFL on Samui for making this possible.

Back to top

[Tornado]

edit it a little and then Ill read it. thank you - carry on.

[DJ Pat]

i just did.

[stumonster]

I am not sure what you are trying to convey with your story.

studley steve might think you are a legend though.

som

[DJ Pat]

who is studley steve?

[Tornado]

She knows that I know and I know that she knows that I know so it’s a mutual agreement that suits the pair of us.

[toastwars]

I never bother with them over here, all moaining whining cows who will be nice as pie as long as you are emptying your wallet in their direction, better off holidaying alone, less irritating and cheaper.

[nogutsnoapplepie]

who is studley steve?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Who is Studly Steve?

[DJ Pat]

I never bother with them over here, all moaining whining cows who will be nice as pie as long as you are emptying your wallet in their direction, better off holidaying alone, less irritating and cheaper.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

fair play to her she pays her way.

[IamMaiC]

I haven’t been to Koh Samui for almost three years and back then many veteran island enthusiasts were moaning about the building of Mc######s and Star######s, which I’ll agree with are not really part of Island culture. But when was Samui ever an island? Only when there was blogger all electric and no plumbing to speak of will I have ever considered the place an island. Now it is home to many guys.... Everywhere you yurn some tattooed man lurks with his young brown Thai female companion. No offence but apart from the odd exception, that’s the case.

Anyway to make use of 30,000 soon to be expiring Thai Airways miles I booked two round trip tickets to Surat Thani and made some plans with a naughty girl I know to spend four days with me in Island paradise. This naughty girl I know has a boyfriend. She knows that I know and I know that she knows that I know so it’s a mutual agreement that suits the pair of us. There’s no “asking permission” if you catch my drift.

So we met up near my apartment and jumped straight into a taxi and into a traffic jam but made the airport on time, getting dumped at the International terminal and having to trek down that long fibre glass tunnel that connects to the domestic terminal. Checked in and had dinner and went to the desk to enquire about hotels in Surat Thani, as we were landing at a time far too late to catch any boat across to Samui.

“Yes sir good hotel, Wang Tai, only 2250 baht include transfer” that sounded ok, so I booked it just to save the hassle. My companion was getting a bit fussy at the spice levels of the food and had to be ticked off for getting uppity at the staff “Who the ###### do you think you are” was my criticism of her if I can recall. “calm down, this is meant to be a relaxed trip” I was already regretting my choice of company and the plane was still on the tarmac.

We took off and landed at our destination to be met by a scruffy green silk attired hotel employee with a minibus and enjoyed a high speed 20 minute transfer to our hotel which turned out to be an 850 baht per night average Joe’s lodging where I’d paid 2250 at the airport including transfer, so I’d been scammed out of about 1200 baht like some two week tourist, and the room had two single beds, hardly the ingredient of a night of sin. Being sick of sliding through the middle of two single beds pushed together I kicked up a stink and got ‘upgraded’ to a room three floors lower with a big bed and a view of a field of plastic bottles.

“Where’s the UBC and free fruit bowl?” moaned my co-traveller “this is the last time I elope anywhere with you” was her continued complaint. This was increasingly getting like being on holiday with my ex-wife.

We hit a seafood gaff and the only club in the town, a chipmonk techno place called “Yes Sir” (how original) that blasted music so loud that you could have had a conversation with youself and still not have sounded coherent. Three beers later and a sweaty ear we headed back to the hotel for 40 winks. More complaining and eight hours later we were heading for Don Sak to catch the Seatran Ferry to Nathorn, Samui.

Upon arrival at Nathorn we were reminded of what was in store. “500 baht to Choeng Mon, taxi have meter” Christ, what kind of meter was it? “Ok just get us there”

I was staying with an old school mate who I hadn’t seen for almost 20 years so was excited at catching up on some North London gossip. Nathan runs TEFL on Samui, a school that teaches teachers to teach and rewards them with a TEFL certificate. A very efficient outfit I’ll add too.

“Is this all we have?” my co-star moaned upon sight of the single bed I’d requested Nathan provide. “Never mind” she said, with that knowing look.

We hit Chaweng with gusto, checking out the Green Mango (cool tunes), Bar Solo (empty) and a cocktail place out on the main drag. Then headed back to Nathans for some more shut-eye and booze.

Went to the beach at Cheng Mon, one of the better beaches on the Island and had to do the jetski alone as she didn’t wanna get tanned. I teased her saying that she was already dark (she isn’t) and she went ballistic. That comment by myself in effect destroyed the entire weekend and my patience with this difficult girl.

Next day was seeing my mate in Lamai and enjoying a few VAT’s (vodka and tonics) in the rain whilst the girl moaned about how she could have been having fun in Bangkok with her mate at Mystique Club. “Why don’t you go there then?” I asked her. “What? now?” “Yes, why not?” I was losing it big time with this cow.

More alcohol and intoxicators later and a steamy clinch and I was asleep, waking up to a very poor version of ‘Rhinestone Cowboy’ being sung at the remnants of last nights party next door still going strong. Nathan was apologetic but I hadn’t really heard it as the aircon in the room made it sound like we were staying in a snow blizzard lodge in Switzerland somewhere.

The final straw came at midday when I was accused of being crazy for having an in-depth conversation with a beach soi dog . I did this deliberately to show the silly cow that the dog was better conversation and proceeded to feed my entire club sandwich to it. She got up and left in a huff and I didn’t bother following her. I found her sitting on the porch of the house sulking.

“You coming to the beach then?”

“No I’m allergic to sand”

“Oh that’s a first”

“Yes I forgot to tell you”

This was getting tiresome now.

“Why don’t you spend the rest of the trip in the house then…no in fact why don’t you &lt;deleted&gt; off back to Bangkok actually”

So she packed her bags oh-so slowly and expected me to say “Sorry I don’t mean it” but this ain’t my girlfriend or anything, just a bit of fun in my eyes.

I went with her to a tour office and got a bus / boat / bus organized. And off she went. Nobody makes a monkey out of DJ Pat.

I enjoyed the final night with a friend in Lamai and later sipped cocktails alone at The Deck on Chaweng, reflecting on the waste of time my co-traveller had been overall but then again I had asked her to come so what the ###### did I expect? I surely didn’t expect a difficult Lucy Liu type that’s for sure. Still had fun.

As I boarded the ferry back to Don Sak and perused the only worn out copy of the Bangkok Post (borrowed from a miserable cockney bloke with his young BG type friend) I chuckled to myself thinking that the silly cow would still be traveling on the bus while I would be departing from a practically deserted Surat Thani airport, despite her 12 hour headstart. Fabulous.

Additional thanks goes to Text and Talk and TEFL on Samui for making this possible. 

Back to top

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Uh Oh The Grand Teacher is awake.

[nogutsnoapplepie]

I haven’t been to Koh Samui for almost three years and back then many veteran island enthusiasts were moaning about the building of Mc######s and Star######s, which I’ll agree with are not really part of Island culture. But when was Samui ever an island? Only when there was blogger all electric and no plumbing to speak of will I have ever considered the place an island. Now it is home to many guys.... Everywhere you yurn some tattooed man lurks with his young brown Thai female companion. No offence but apart from the odd exception, that’s the case.

Anyway to make use of 30,000 soon to be expiring Thai Airways miles I booked two round trip tickets to Surat Thani and made some plans with a naughty girl I know to spend four days with me in Island paradise. This naughty girl I know has a boyfriend. She knows that I know and I know that she knows that I know so it’s a mutual agreement that suits the pair of us. There’s no “asking permission” if you catch my drift.

So we met up near my apartment and jumped straight into a taxi and into a traffic jam but made the airport on time, getting dumped at the International terminal and having to trek down that long fibre glass tunnel that connects to the domestic terminal. Checked in and had dinner and went to the desk to enquire about hotels in Surat Thani, as we were landing at a time far too late to catch any boat across to Samui.

“Yes sir good hotel, Wang Tai, only 2250 baht include transfer” that sounded ok, so I booked it just to save the hassle. My companion was getting a bit fussy at the spice levels of the food and had to be ticked off for getting uppity at the staff “Who the ###### do you think you are” was my criticism of her if I can recall. “calm down, this is meant to be a relaxed trip” I was already regretting my choice of company and the plane was still on the tarmac.

We took off and landed at our destination to be met by a scruffy green silk attired hotel employee with a minibus and enjoyed a high speed 20 minute transfer to our hotel which turned out to be an 850 baht per night average Joe’s lodging where I’d paid 2250 at the airport including transfer, so I’d been scammed out of about 1200 baht like some two week tourist, and the room had two single beds, hardly the ingredient of a night of sin. Being sick of sliding through the middle of two single beds pushed together I kicked up a stink and got ‘upgraded’ to a room three floors lower with a big bed and a view of a field of plastic bottles.

“Where’s the UBC and free fruit bowl?” moaned my co-traveller “this is the last time I elope anywhere with you” was her continued complaint. This was increasingly getting like being on holiday with my ex-wife.

We hit a seafood gaff and the only club in the town, a chipmonk techno place called “Yes Sir” (how original) that blasted music so loud that you could have had a conversation with youself and still not have sounded coherent. Three beers later and a sweaty ear we headed back to the hotel for 40 winks. More complaining and eight hours later we were heading for Don Sak to catch the Seatran Ferry to Nathorn, Samui.

Upon arrival at Nathorn we were reminded of what was in store. “500 baht to Choeng Mon, taxi have meter” Christ, what kind of meter was it? “Ok just get us there”

I was staying with an old school mate who I hadn’t seen for almost 20 years so was excited at catching up on some North London gossip. Nathan runs TEFL on Samui, a school that teaches teachers to teach and rewards them with a TEFL certificate. A very efficient outfit I’ll add too.

“Is this all we have?” my co-star moaned upon sight of the single bed I’d requested Nathan provide. “Never mind” she said, with that knowing look.

We hit Chaweng with gusto, checking out the Green Mango (cool tunes), Bar Solo (empty) and a cocktail place out on the main drag. Then headed back to Nathans for some more shut-eye and booze.

Went to the beach at Cheng Mon, one of the better beaches on the Island and had to do the jetski alone as she didn’t wanna get tanned. I teased her saying that she was already dark (she isn’t) and she went ballistic. That comment by myself in effect destroyed the entire weekend and my patience with this difficult girl.

Next day was seeing my mate in Lamai and enjoying a few VAT’s (vodka and tonics) in the rain whilst the girl moaned about how she could have been having fun in Bangkok with her mate at Mystique Club. “Why don’t you go there then?” I asked her. “What? now?” “Yes, why not?” I was losing it big time with this cow.

More alcohol and intoxicators later and a steamy clinch and I was asleep, waking up to a very poor version of ‘Rhinestone Cowboy’ being sung at the remnants of last nights party next door still going strong. Nathan was apologetic but I hadn’t really heard it as the aircon in the room made it sound like we were staying in a snow blizzard lodge in Switzerland somewhere.

The final straw came at midday when I was accused of being crazy for having an in-depth conversation with a beach soi dog . I did this deliberately to show the silly cow that the dog was better conversation and proceeded to feed my entire club sandwich to it. She got up and left in a huff and I didn’t bother following her. I found her sitting on the porch of the house sulking.

“You coming to the beach then?”

“No I’m allergic to sand”

“Oh that’s a first”

“Yes I forgot to tell you”

This was getting tiresome now.

“Why don’t you spend the rest of the trip in the house then…no in fact why don’t you &lt;deleted&gt; off back to Bangkok actually”

So she packed her bags oh-so slowly and expected me to say “Sorry I don’t mean it” but this ain’t my girlfriend or anything, just a bit of fun in my eyes.

I went with her to a tour office and got a bus / boat / bus organized. And off she went. Nobody makes a monkey out of DJ Pat.

I enjoyed the final night with a friend in Lamai and later sipped cocktails alone at The Deck on Chaweng, reflecting on the waste of time my co-traveller had been overall but then again I had asked her to come so what the ###### did I expect? I surely didn’t expect a difficult Lucy Liu type that’s for sure. Still had fun.

As I boarded the ferry back to Don Sak and perused the only worn out copy of the Bangkok Post (borrowed from a miserable cockney bloke with his young BG type friend) I chuckled to myself thinking that the silly cow would still be traveling on the bus while I would be departing from a practically deserted Surat Thani airport, despite her 12 hour headstart. Fabulous.

Additional thanks goes to Text and Talk and TEFL on Samui for making this possible. 

Back to top

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Uh Oh The Grand Teacher is awake.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[IamMaiC]

I haven’t been to Koh Samui for almost three years and back then many veteran island enthusiasts were moaning about the building of Mc######s and Star######s, which I’ll agree with are not really part of Island culture. But when was Samui ever an island? Only when there was blogger all electric and no plumbing to speak of will I have ever considered the place an island. Now it is home to many guys.... Everywhere you yurn some tattooed man lurks with his young brown Thai female companion. No offence but apart from the odd exception, that’s the case.

Anyway to make use of 30,000 soon to be expiring Thai Airways miles I booked two round trip tickets to Surat Thani and made some plans with a naughty girl I know to spend four days with me in Island paradise. This naughty girl I know has a boyfriend. She knows that I know and I know that she knows that I know so it’s a mutual agreement that suits the pair of us. There’s no “asking permission” if you catch my drift.

So we met up near my apartment and jumped straight into a taxi and into a traffic jam but made the airport on time, getting dumped at the International terminal and having to trek down that long fibre glass tunnel that connects to the domestic terminal. Checked in and had dinner and went to the desk to enquire about hotels in Surat Thani, as we were landing at a time far too late to catch any boat across to Samui.

“Yes sir good hotel, Wang Tai, only 2250 baht include transfer” that sounded ok, so I booked it just to save the hassle. My companion was getting a bit fussy at the spice levels of the food and had to be ticked off for getting uppity at the staff “Who the ###### do you think you are” was my criticism of her if I can recall. “calm down, this is meant to be a relaxed trip” I was already regretting my choice of company and the plane was still on the tarmac.

We took off and landed at our destination to be met by a scruffy green silk attired hotel employee with a minibus and enjoyed a high speed 20 minute transfer to our hotel which turned out to be an 850 baht per night average Joe’s lodging where I’d paid 2250 at the airport including transfer, so I’d been scammed out of about 1200 baht like some two week tourist, and the room had two single beds, hardly the ingredient of a night of sin. Being sick of sliding through the middle of two single beds pushed together I kicked up a stink and got ‘upgraded’ to a room three floors lower with a big bed and a view of a field of plastic bottles.

“Where’s the UBC and free fruit bowl?” moaned my co-traveller “this is the last time I elope anywhere with you” was her continued complaint. This was increasingly getting like being on holiday with my ex-wife.

We hit a seafood gaff and the only club in the town, a chipmonk techno place called “Yes Sir” (how original) that blasted music so loud that you could have had a conversation with youself and still not have sounded coherent. Three beers later and a sweaty ear we headed back to the hotel for 40 winks. More complaining and eight hours later we were heading for Don Sak to catch the Seatran Ferry to Nathorn, Samui.

Upon arrival at Nathorn we were reminded of what was in store. “500 baht to Choeng Mon, taxi have meter” Christ, what kind of meter was it? “Ok just get us there”

I was staying with an old school mate who I hadn’t seen for almost 20 years so was excited at catching up on some North London gossip. Nathan runs TEFL on Samui, a school that teaches teachers to teach and rewards them with a TEFL certificate. A very efficient outfit I’ll add too.

“Is this all we have?” my co-star moaned upon sight of the single bed I’d requested Nathan provide. “Never mind” she said, with that knowing look.

We hit Chaweng with gusto, checking out the Green Mango (cool tunes), Bar Solo (empty) and a cocktail place out on the main drag. Then headed back to Nathans for some more shut-eye and booze.

Went to the beach at Cheng Mon, one of the better beaches on the Island and had to do the jetski alone as she didn’t wanna get tanned. I teased her saying that she was already dark (she isn’t) and she went ballistic. That comment by myself in effect destroyed the entire weekend and my patience with this difficult girl.

Next day was seeing my mate in Lamai and enjoying a few VAT’s (vodka and tonics) in the rain whilst the girl moaned about how she could have been having fun in Bangkok with her mate at Mystique Club. “Why don’t you go there then?” I asked her. “What? now?” “Yes, why not?” I was losing it big time with this cow.

More alcohol and intoxicators later and a steamy clinch and I was asleep, waking up to a very poor version of ‘Rhinestone Cowboy’ being sung at the remnants of last nights party next door still going strong. Nathan was apologetic but I hadn’t really heard it as the aircon in the room made it sound like we were staying in a snow blizzard lodge in Switzerland somewhere.

The final straw came at midday when I was accused of being crazy for having an in-depth conversation with a beach soi dog . I did this deliberately to show the silly cow that the dog was better conversation and proceeded to feed my entire club sandwich to it. She got up and left in a huff and I didn’t bother following her. I found her sitting on the porch of the house sulking.

“You coming to the beach then?”

“No I’m allergic to sand”

“Oh that’s a first”

“Yes I forgot to tell you”

This was getting tiresome now.

“Why don’t you spend the rest of the trip in the house then…no in fact why don’t you &lt;deleted&gt; off back to Bangkok actually”

So she packed her bags oh-so slowly and expected me to say “Sorry I don’t mean it” but this ain’t my girlfriend or anything, just a bit of fun in my eyes.

I went with her to a tour office and got a bus / boat / bus organized. And off she went. Nobody makes a monkey out of DJ Pat.

I enjoyed the final night with a friend in Lamai and later sipped cocktails alone at The Deck on Chaweng, reflecting on the waste of time my co-traveller had been overall but then again I had asked her to come so what the ###### did I expect? I surely didn’t expect a difficult Lucy Liu type that’s for sure. Still had fun.

As I boarded the ferry back to Don Sak and perused the only worn out copy of the Bangkok Post (borrowed from a miserable cockney bloke with his young BG type friend) I chuckled to myself thinking that the silly cow would still be traveling on the bus while I would be departing from a practically deserted Surat Thani airport, despite her 12 hour headstart. Fabulous.

Additional thanks goes to Text and Talk and TEFL on Samui for making this possible. 

Back to top

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Uh Oh The Grand Teacher is awake.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

NogutsNoApplePie I didn't know that about you

[Insight]

Nobody makes a monkey out of DJ Pat.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You fckin' hero, you...

But how come you let this entire forum do it?

[Tornado]

DJ Pat and Ianmaic, must be the same people.

[jackr]

I haven’t been to Koh Samui for almost three years and back then many veteran island enthusiasts were moaning about the building of Mc######s and Star######s, which I’ll agree with are not really part of Island culture. But when was Samui ever an island? Only when there was blogger all electric and no plumbing to speak of will I have ever considered the place an island. Now it is home to many guys.... Everywhere you yurn some tattooed man lurks with his young brown Thai female companion. No offence but apart from the odd exception, that’s the case.

Anyway to make use of 30,000 soon to be expiring Thai Airways miles I booked two round trip tickets to Surat Thani and made some plans with a naughty girl I know to spend four days with me in Island paradise. This naughty girl I know has a boyfriend. She knows that I know and I know that she knows that I know so it’s a mutual agreement that suits the pair of us. There’s no “asking permission” if you catch my drift.

So we met up near my apartment and jumped straight into a taxi and into a traffic jam but made the airport on time, getting dumped at the International terminal and having to trek down that long fibre glass tunnel that connects to the domestic terminal. Checked in and had dinner and went to the desk to enquire about hotels in Surat Thani, as we were landing at a time far too late to catch any boat across to Samui.

“Yes sir good hotel, Wang Tai, only 2250 baht include transfer” that sounded ok, so I booked it just to save the hassle. My companion was getting a bit fussy at the spice levels of the food and had to be ticked off for getting uppity at the staff “Who the ###### do you think you are” was my criticism of her if I can recall. “calm down, this is meant to be a relaxed trip” I was already regretting my choice of company and the plane was still on the tarmac.

We took off and landed at our destination to be met by a scruffy green silk attired hotel employee with a minibus and enjoyed a high speed 20 minute transfer to our hotel which turned out to be an 850 baht per night average Joe’s lodging where I’d paid 2250 at the airport including transfer, so I’d been scammed out of about 1200 baht like some two week tourist, and the room had two single beds, hardly the ingredient of a night of sin. Being sick of sliding through the middle of two single beds pushed together I kicked up a stink and got ‘upgraded’ to a room three floors lower with a big bed and a view of a field of plastic bottles.

“Where’s the UBC and free fruit bowl?” moaned my co-traveller “this is the last time I elope anywhere with you” was her continued complaint. This was increasingly getting like being on holiday with my ex-wife.

We hit a seafood gaff and the only club in the town, a chipmonk techno place called “Yes Sir” (how original) that blasted music so loud that you could have had a conversation with youself and still not have sounded coherent. Three beers later and a sweaty ear we headed back to the hotel for 40 winks. More complaining and eight hours later we were heading for Don Sak to catch the Seatran Ferry to Nathorn, Samui.

Upon arrival at Nathorn we were reminded of what was in store. “500 baht to Choeng Mon, taxi have meter” Christ, what kind of meter was it? “Ok just get us there”

I was staying with an old school mate who I hadn’t seen for almost 20 years so was excited at catching up on some North London gossip. Nathan runs TEFL on Samui, a school that teaches teachers to teach and rewards them with a TEFL certificate. A very efficient outfit I’ll add too.

“Is this all we have?” my co-star moaned upon sight of the single bed I’d requested Nathan provide. “Never mind” she said, with that knowing look.

We hit Chaweng with gusto, checking out the Green Mango (cool tunes), Bar Solo (empty) and a cocktail place out on the main drag. Then headed back to Nathans for some more shut-eye and booze.

Went to the beach at Cheng Mon, one of the better beaches on the Island and had to do the jetski alone as she didn’t wanna get tanned. I teased her saying that she was already dark (she isn’t) and she went ballistic. That comment by myself in effect destroyed the entire weekend and my patience with this difficult girl.

Next day was seeing my mate in Lamai and enjoying a few VAT’s (vodka and tonics) in the rain whilst the girl moaned about how she could have been having fun in Bangkok with her mate at Mystique Club. “Why don’t you go there then?” I asked her. “What? now?” “Yes, why not?” I was losing it big time with this cow.

More alcohol and intoxicators later and a steamy clinch and I was asleep, waking up to a very poor version of ‘Rhinestone Cowboy’ being sung at the remnants of last nights party next door still going strong. Nathan was apologetic but I hadn’t really heard it as the aircon in the room made it sound like we were staying in a snow blizzard lodge in Switzerland somewhere.

The final straw came at midday when I was accused of being crazy for having an in-depth conversation with a beach soi dog . I did this deliberately to show the silly cow that the dog was better conversation and proceeded to feed my entire club sandwich to it. She got up and left in a huff and I didn’t bother following her. I found her sitting on the porch of the house sulking.

“You coming to the beach then?”

“No I’m allergic to sand”

“Oh that’s a first”

“Yes I forgot to tell you”

This was getting tiresome now.

“Why don’t you spend the rest of the trip in the house then…no in fact why don’t you &lt;deleted&gt; off back to Bangkok actually”

So she packed her bags oh-so slowly and expected me to say “Sorry I don’t mean it” but this ain’t my girlfriend or anything, just a bit of fun in my eyes.

I went with her to a tour office and got a bus / boat / bus organized. And off she went. Nobody makes a monkey out of DJ Pat.

I enjoyed the final night with a friend in Lamai and later sipped cocktails alone at The Deck on Chaweng, reflecting on the waste of time my co-traveller had been overall but then again I had asked her to come so what the ###### did I expect? I surely didn’t expect a difficult Lucy Liu type that’s for sure. Still had fun.

As I boarded the ferry back to Don Sak and perused the only worn out copy of the Bangkok Post (borrowed from a miserable cockney bloke with his young BG type friend) I chuckled to myself thinking that the silly cow would still be traveling on the bus while I would be departing from a practically deserted Surat Thani airport, despite her 12 hour headstart. Fabulous.

Additional thanks goes to Text and Talk and TEFL on Samui for making this possible. 

Back to top

Did you give her one up the bum to teach her a lesson

[IamMaiC]

DJ Pat and Ianmaic, must be the same people. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sorry Can't be I'm in the US and he's in Thailand.

[Tornado]

DJ Pat and Ianmaic, must be the same people. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sorry Can't be I'm in the US and he's in Thailand.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I thought you were in Iraq

[davethailand]

Blimey Pat I thought you were wise in the ways of thailand.

Stitched up in the airport (never book a hotel from the airport ).

Stitched up by the taxi

Stitched up with a miserable bird

Was she a farang bird ?

[DJ Pat]

Blimey Pat I thought you were wise in the ways of thailand.

Stitched up in the airport (never book a hotel from the airport ).

Stitched up by the taxi

Stitched up with a miserable bird

Was she a farang bird ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

She's Thai, and yes I was bloody stitched up by the above, but what's wrong with chucking a bit of cash around every so often?

[appleman_thai]

Blimey Pat I thought you were wise in the ways of thailand.

Stitched up in the airport (never book a hotel from the airport ).

Stitched up by the taxi

Stitched up with a miserable bird

Was she a farang bird ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

She's Thai, and yes I was bloody stitched up by the above, but what's wrong with chucking a bit of cash around every so often?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

DJ Pat,

Postman Pat would be more apt to describe you cause it sounds like you have the intellectual capacity of a Postman Pat viewer..............

Everyone to their own...... as long as they dont mess about with others.... and you did! She has a BF...... Boyfriend - NOT barfine!........

Get a life...........find a naughty girl who doesnt have a BF..... and BF her!

And the fact that the soi dog that you had a conversation with suddenly went completely crazy could have something to do with the quality of your conversation....

Maybe you should take some time talking to real people......

[Insight]

Seriously - no word of a lie, I know a girl named Pat who's a DJ, but she hasn't been a girl for long.

Great DJ though, no doubt about that!

[DJ Pat]

DJ Pat,

Postman Pat would be more apt to describe you cause it sounds like you have the intellectual capacity of a Postman Pat viewer..............

Maybe you should take some time talking to real people......

Did you have anybody in mind oh so smart one?

I don't need to barfine girls from go-go bars thank you very much,perhaps you do but I hang with normal girls with regular lives and money.

[davethailand]

DJ Pat,

Postman Pat would be more apt to describe you cause it sounds like you have the intellectual capacity of a Postman Pat viewer..............

Maybe you should take some time talking to real people......

Did you have anybody in mind oh so smart one?

I don't need to barfine girls from go-go bars thank you very much,perhaps you do but I hang with normal girls with regular lives and money.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Get down off of that pedestal Pat.

I know gogo girls that have a ###### of alot of money,

[Tornado]

DJ Pat,

Postman Pat would be more apt to describe you cause it sounds like you have the intellectual capacity of a Postman Pat viewer..............

Maybe you should take some time talking to real people......

Did you have anybody in mind oh so smart one?

I don't need to barfine girls from go-go bars thank you very much,perhaps you do but I hang with normal girls with regular lives and money.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

DJ Pat, do you have a photo of yourself, that you can post on here? even the one next to your bed will do. I wanna see how shagadelic you really are

[GoodHeart]

Nobody makes a monkey out of DJ Pat.

I beg to differ- DJ Pat certainly seems to.

[DJ Pat]

Unlike Martin Keown, I don't resemble a monkey.

dave you are correct, I'll get off my pedestal because I must sound like sound a &lt;deleted&gt;.

[Tornado]

Unlike Martin Keown, I don't resemble a monkey.

dave you are correct, I'll get off my pedestal because I must sound like sound a &lt;deleted&gt;.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[bodypaul]

Did you give her one up the bum to teach her a lesson 

Bloody h*ll jackr

[bodypaul]

dave you are correct, I'll get off my pedestal because I must sound like sound a &lt;deleted&gt;.

Yes you do

[DJ Pat]

^Thanks