Farming Humour,,

[Lickey]

ThaiVisa has a forum for jokes ect, but perhaps the farmers forum should have a "Your funny story thread"?

I dont go to the farm much in this wet mossie season,and i need a bit of cheering up.

Just to start off... . .

A few years ago i was in my local village pub [suffolk UK} chatting with a farmer, anyway, farmers cousin came along and offered to buy drinks,

Barry was suprised by this and he said, hello, what do want to borrow? Terry said, well, last weekend i trimmed all the hedges and shrubery at my nursery, now its all dead and i wanted to borrow your trailer load it up and take it down the dump and burn it!

Barry thought about this for a few minutes, then he said, ok Terry boy, but make sure you take it off the trailer before you set fire to it!!

[chang35baht]

That`ll take some beating.

[Pond Life]

I can't read & I can't write,

But that don't really matter,

Cos I come from Suffolk,

& I can drive a tractor.

[aitch52]

Forget the Tai Chi, here is some useful anti-stress advice for you farmers out there sent to me by a dear friend; I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following this simple advice, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece

Shippers

[Cuban]

There Was A Young Lady From Bray

That Went For A Roll In The Hay...

A Farmer Called Grunt Grabbed Hold Of Her Leg And Said

'You Can't Mess About The Horses Have To Eat This Stuff.'

[IsaanAussie]

I can't read & I can't write,

But that don't really matter,

Cos I come from Suffolk,

& I can drive a tractor.

Spend some time in the West country a long time ago. A devonian farmer walked into my local and ordered a pint of farmhouse scrumpy. Half disappeared in a gulp followed by a loud passage of wind.

Turning to the assemblied clientele he chanted

I like zider

Cos it makes I fart

And when I's fart,

I's know I's 'ealthy

[IsaanAussie]

I remember an interview with Peter Sellers. He was retelling a story of a night he and Spike Milligan went to a fancy dress ball dressed in gorilla costumes. After a very boozy night they disappeared into the night in Seller's sports car and next morning found themselves parked up against a five bar farm gate in Sommerset, perhaps.

Leaning over the gate was a farmer dressed in traditional smock, straw hat and baling twine around his calves holding his trouser legs up. Straw in his mouth.

Milligan (who can speak the lingo) steps out of the car, "Arrrh,Arrrh gad mornin squire. Yar know whar I's at?" Staring at this talking gorilla and the car driving gorilla, he responds, "Dunno whart yar be, but yar be right ere"

A 747 whispers overhead and the farmer continues, "Dunno whart the wurlds cumin to, whart with g'rillas drivin cars and all that tackle up there."

[Lickey]

A retired casual farm laborer had been asked by the boss to paint some outbuildings,

When he finished, he said to me, there yare buh, they look ok to yew?

I said, Yes Tom, looks good, but dont hold your breath waiting for the boss to pay you!

Tom said, He better pay me friday, do else Ill mount his missus!

[SAP]

What did the Dog say when the Cow said...."have you heard the one about the three legged sheep"...........................................................................

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.....hel_l Bells!! Look at that!!! A TALKING COW??!!??

[Cuban]

Two Cows standing in a field, "Have you heard about this Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, they're calling it 'Mad' Cow Disease" - the other replies - "Doesn't affect me - I'm a helicopter!"

[IsaanAussie]

Two Cows standing in a field, "Have you heard about this Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, they're calling it 'Mad' Cow Disease" - the other replies - "Doesn't affect me - I'm a helicopter!"

Two bulls are admiring the female herd down the hillside. One, the elder, is lying in the shade under a tree, the younger is parading, snorting and scratching the hillside with horn and hoof. "Come on", says the youngster. "Lets run down the hill and make love to a cow". The old bull lifts his head casually and says," Nar, lets walk down and do the lot"

[Cuban]

Two bulls are admiring the female herd down the hillside. One, the elder, is lying in the shade under a tree, the younger is parading, snorting and scratching the hillside with horn and hoof. "Come on", says the youngster. "Lets run down the hill and make love to a cow". The old bull lifts his head casually and says," Nar, lets walk down and do the lot"

Two farmers are admiring the ladies down the hillside laying in the sun. The elder farmer, is lying in the shade under a tree, the younger is feeling the sap raising as he sees the beauties below. "Come on", says the youngster. "Let's run down the hill and make love to one of those ladies". The older farmer lifts his head casually and says, "Nar, let's walk down to the travel agent, book a flight to Pattaya and do the lot there."

[IsaanAussie]

Two bulls are admiring the female herd down the hillside. One, the elder, is lying in the shade under a tree, the younger is parading, snorting and scratching the hillside with horn and hoof. "Come on", says the youngster. "Lets run down the hill and make love to a cow". The old bull lifts his head casually and says," Nar, lets walk down and do the lot"

Two farmers are admiring the ladies down the hillside laying in the sun. The elder farmer, is lying in the shade under a tree, the younger is feeling the sap raising as he sees the beauties below. "Come on", says the youngster. "Let's run down the hill and make love to one of those ladies". The older farmer lifts his head casually and says, "Nar, let's walk down to the travel agent, book a flight to Pattaya and do the lot there."

Hey this is fun, OK Cuban its your turn to go first and my turn to "turn it around"

[dingdongrb]

A farmer was walking down the country road with a pig under one arm as a city slicker pulled up beside them and asked, 'Hey where did you get that pig at?' The pig replied, 'I won him in a raffle.'

[Lickey]

Pigs, yes, that reminds me of another story!

3 young farmers had there sunday dinnertime beers and were walking home,

There was a pigs arse sticking out of the bushes, 1st farmer said, 'i wish that was Shakiras arse,mmmm

2nd farmer said ' well i wish it was Julie Roberts arse mmmmmmm

3rd farmer said, ;i wish it was dark,mmmmm

[subseasteve]

There was a Pommy tourist driving through NewZealnd in a campervan admiring the lovely green fertile farm land of the country when he saw a local farmer doing something on the side of the road.

As he got closer he realised that the farmer had a sheeps head stuck in the netting fence and he was up behind it pumping it hard core.

The English man stopped and expclaimed "Gees what on earth are you doing??

The Kiwi farmer said "I am shagging this sheep, do you want a go??

The English fellow says with excitement,"ohhh yea!!

So he comes running over to the wire netting fence pulling down his strides at the same time, and stuffs HIS head in the wire netting fence.

[subseasteve]

Two Australian lesbian Sheering shed roustabouts went into a local bar and the first one went to the counter and tapped her coin on the bar, raised her arm for attention and yelled, "Hoe give us both a beer!!

Publican cringing at the sight of the two sheilas in shorts and singlets with hairy underarms, pours them both a beer.

The leso's gulp them down then burp, and the other bangs her coin on the table and raises her arm to reviel her hairy sweaty armpits, and yells, "Two more of those mate!!

This goes on for a while, each rousy sheila ordering in turns and gulping down their beer. When after a while an old fellow sitting in the corner comes up to the publican and squints at the two sheilas, then says,"I'd like to buy those two ballerina's a drink.

The publican whispers under his breath to the poor old codger who is obviosly hard of seeing, "those aren't ballerina's mate".

To which the old fellow looks again through his jam jar glasses and says with a bit of confusion in his voice, "Well any one who can lift their leg that high has gotta be a balerina"!!

[IsaanAussie]

Many NZ shearers travelled to Oz to get jobs. One day an unemployed Aussie shearer thought he would turn the tables so he went to Kiwi-ville and hit the long paddock looking for work.

He turns up at one farmhouse, knocks on the door and is greeted by the missus. "Yeah?" she asks. "Looking for a bitta work missus, wheres the boss?" "Down the shed."

When he gets to the shearing shed, the Aussie is greeted with an eyeful of this Kiwi absolutely chockas up this sheep. "Oh Sorry boss.. didn't mean to interrupt.. just lookin fa'a bit shearing." Aussie stammers out.

Kiwi snaps back at him,"Well if you think I'm "sheering" this one with you, your nuts.."

[turnpike]

what's the difference between mick jagger and a scottish farmer?

mick jagger says "hey you, get offa' my cloud"

a scottish farmer says "hey, mcleod, get offa' my ewe"

[Gary A]

A lady walks into a bar leading a pig on a leash. The bartender asked. "Where did you get that ugly dog"? The lady snaps at him and tells him it's a pig. The bartender replied. " I know that, I was talking to the pig".

[Cuban]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered, mumbling...

A man sat next to the farmer turned and said, "Hey, what's the matter?"

The farmer shook his head, mumbled and said, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible? You can tell me." the man asked, pointing for the beers to be refilled...

"Well.." the farmer said, "..today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Milk all over the shed floor, never done that before... ...Some things you just can't explain."

"Okay," said the man, "...but that's not so bad. So what happened then?"

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket... Some things you just can't explain."

Man laughed and said, "Again?"

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "...Some things you just can't explain eh? So, what did you do?"

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my trouser belt and tied her tail to the rafter...

...In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."

[Pierrot]

Two young ladies goes to the local pub, hoping to find a boyfriend to take them home, they actually live very far from the pub. They found no one but they get very drunk and when the pub close, they have no choice but to walk back home.

They start walking but after 10 mn the first one can't find her friend, she looks around and finally see her by the side of the road sucking the tits of a cow. "What the hel_l are you doing?" she asks. The other answers "Ssshhhht, I'm sure between the four of them, one is going to drive us home!"

[slapout]

The old farmer joined the modern world and purchased a tractor. He decided that the old mule was no longer needed on the farm and after no luck in selling the mule, he and his drinking buddy decided to raffle off the mule. The neighboring farmer watched all of this with intrest and saw the drinking pair one night celebrating the raffle. Saying to them that it must have been a very successful raffle, he was told that the raffle was okay but the old mule had died a day prior to the raffle drawing. Well I reckon there are a lot of people mad as hel_l then, the neighbor commented, whereas the drinking fellows responded "no only one" I will adjurn now for a beer.

[himachal]

What have George Michael and Wellington boots got in common?

They can both get sucked off in a bog!!!

[aitch52]

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."

But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon. The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."

[Lickey]

3 Irish catholic farmers wanted to get the Popes blessing for their new potato crop,

So they got their backpacks on and started hitch-hiking to Rome, acros UK,France,Switzerland and finally into Italy,

They put their tent up on the Vatican lawns, Sheamus and Mick said to Paddy, look after the tent, we will go and get some food and drink,

When they returned, the Pope was making the sign of the cross in front of Paddy,

When Paddy came back to the tent they said to him ;well done Paddy, you got the blessing!!our spuds will be ok!!

Paddy said, blessing be fcuked, Pope said take your tent down and <deleted> off!!!

[aitch52]

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat.

One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

[aitch52]

English, Irish and Scots farmers walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The English farmer just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

The Irish farmer picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Scots farmer picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"

[farmerjo]

DAVE THE HEN

Dave came home from the pub late one friday evening stinking drunk,as he often did,and crept into bed along side his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the check and fell asleep.When he awoke,he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. Who the hel_l are you ??? dave demanded and what are you doing in my bedroom???

The mysterious man answered,This is not your bedroom and i m St Peter

Dave was stunned.You mean i m dead that cant be,i ve so much to live for and i havent said goodbye to my family... Youve got to send me back straight away.

St Peter replied,yes you can be reincarnated but theres a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.

Dave was devastated but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen

A flash of light later,he was covered with feathers and clucking around,pecking the ground.

This aint so bad he thought,until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,so youre the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here.

Its not so bad replies dave,but i have this strange feeling inside like i m about to explode

Youre ovulating explained the rooster,dont tell me youve never laid an egg before

Never replies dave.Well just relax and let it happen

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him as he experienced motherhood for the first time

When he laid his second egg,the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that happened to him....EVER.

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg,he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

Dave ,wake up,you drunken b@stard youve sh!t the bed!!!!!!!

[sutnyod]

This classic should be here:

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”