I met my gf several months ago. Being honest, she was dabbling in a work not so respected in America. Having read the famous yellow book (ThaiFever), I can understand desperation can drive some to make a sacrifice for their family. I'm willing to let that go and move on, as I could save a life and a family while finding true love (given all equal, I'd rather marry a poor girl who wouldn't normally have this chance). She's proven to be kind most of the time, honest and intelligent...had a 3 year relationship with another farang and it ended abruptly (I'm staring to learn why)?

One cultural difference I see is (I hear Thai's don't lash out?) is she's gotten quite angry at me for petty things and spoken to me in a manner I would never consider speaking to someone I cared about. It's not the words but the "I want to kill you" look and the tone in her voice. She doesn't like the "I love you's" and compliments I give her (she's beautiful, smart, kind...) because she says only babies need to hear that frequently, not a grown woman/man. She does miss and love me only when I stop calling or if she thinks something's wrong or after one of her outbursts but I'm not to keen on dysfunction (but never an "I love you" just because--or do Thais do that?). Sure I've gotten some strife with farang relationships but I was shocked when it started happening for petty things. First time it was over "Do you like T bone or Rib eye steak and telling her the difference-at a western style restaurant" (apparently she just wanted me to order but didn't tell me so). Next was I was discussing something in the taxi and she was angry I was talking in the taxi.

My latest issue while we're awaiting 7 months visa approval is computer and internet. I've encouraged her to go take some classes, bought her some electronics, etc. Although she had taken classes before, the class amounted to an expensive internet cafe with no instruction (seems Thailand is full of those). After 40 hours, she couldn't email a photo, work a camera, locate instant messenger or turn on or locate her webcam on her own computer. I've spent a good 30 hours on the phone teaching and trying to help her but when I ask her if she'd go take some classes (hey, I'm footing the bill, so who cares?). she keeps trying and asking me questions but won't take any classes (spend too much money) not realizing my frustration and that we'd make more money if she could take pictures of items I need to buy (and sell here).

After a call in the middle of the night, she wanted instruction how to find the messgner and webcam again (never got that far yet but could email). Two hours of long distance later, I (kindly) asked her why after many, many times requesting doesn't she want to just find and take a class or pay one of her family members or friends (I don't care if it's 1000 baht just someone show her once). CLICK she hung up on me and hasn't answered her phone since. That was yesterday and I'm realizing she's a firecracker unless I'm missing something culturally. Although it would break my heart to call it off, I cannot imagine treating someone like dirt if they've supported me and my entire family, offering a new life in America and permanently changing her family's lives forever...but I see no gratitude or kindness I show her when she does soemthing thoughtful for me. Trust me, my quality of life will go down by bringing her here since I've got 2 kids to support on my own.

OK--let me back up to back up to my last month- long visit. Another one of those reactions had me packing my bags and grabbing a hotel room 3 days prior to the end of my visit trip. Of course she admitted she was horrible, on and on (I don't like her to speak bad about herself) so I naturally gave in and we made up, etc. Sticking in the back of my head is her outrage at minor events and I'm wondering if I'm looking in the wrong country? Is it common for people not to say thank you when you give them money or buy farm equipment or foot the bill for everyone's food, etc? I've been as generous (sometimes to the point of stupid) but she hasn't really asked for it...at the same time she's ungrateful. I guess it's basic politeness I don't see and it concerns me. She doesn't have to work, I offered to pay her niece high school (she dropped out because not enough money) and I've been trying to be smart about how to help best I can with what I have but I just don't see what I consider an appropriate amount of thanks, consideration or kindness in return...basic politeness.

Maybe it's her upbringing. After I left and stayed at a hotel, she said, "OK, I thought I could show my real emotions 'cause we're married (culturally--Isaan strings around my wrist but lacking ceremony) and that she didn't expect to be forced to be artificially polite for the rest of our marriage....OK when first dating but life gets real, etc.

To me, it sounds like whatever she's learned is appropriate treatment for someone you love amounts to an abusive relationship one way or another. I'm not seeking dysfunction, I'm seeking mutual respect, love and kindness and I'll give anything for it. Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve too much, or I'm missing something culturally?

My current thoughts now; not to ever call her back and write it all off as a bad experience (seeking a learning curve here) since she hung up for my insisting she take a class I'd pay for (she doesn't work AT ALL right now 2 of 3 living in her apartment aren't working-I'm supporting them).

Thanks for reading...just wanted your thoughts on this topic, if you care. I know, some of you will call me an idiot, etc (heard it before). $6 a day hardly seems worth going to work for 12 hour day, though.

Kindest regards,

Hyena!

Edited September 26, 200817 yr by HYENA

HYENA, i really dont know about the average Thai womans emotions/reactions etc, im sorry. I just really want to wish you luck. Only you can know if you are willing to put up with this, or if its out of line (for you). Im in a relatively new relationship myself (with a Thai man) (six months), and some things/behavior that seem strange to me, but for now i choose to observe rather than react. However, at the moment, we are in the no talking stage because i mentioned something that made me a bit sad (in a nice way). This way of dealing with things really confuses me. For me its an extreme reaction over something that could just be talked out or even ignored but recognised/respected as a feeling that i have about something. I think its somehow maybe about losing face, and not liking when something is questioned in any negative way.???......... but i dont know. However, my bf has not done any of the things you say your gf has done (ie: the way she has spoken to you). I get the nonchalant-ness at times, and the feeling that he wants to feel/be the one in control all the time, but never bad-mouthing me, or putting me down. I think if he were to do that, i wouldnt be able to accept it.

Im not really qualified to give advice, but it does sound like either she just has a childish way of dealing with anything she deems as a put-down, or she really just doesnt respect you. If its the first reason, i think you will have your work cut out for you if you want to try make her aware of this, or you will just need to accept how she is. If its the latter, i think you should move on.

Good luck :/

Edited September 26, 200817 yr by eek

Bored and browsing the forum and found this after reading the "woodoo thread"...

I am not Thai or female but wife is Thai. I can say NEVER has she reacted in any ofd the ways you have listed. The closest would be her not taking the time to learn about the computer. Her reasoning is "why? not gonna video chat with anyone." cant really fault her reasoning on that.

But the rest of it....pure <deleted>. Hate to say it but you're being taken for a ride. You already know what to do. Just reread what you wrote, you know what to do.

"I cannot imagine treating someone like dirt if they've supported me and my entire family, offering a new life in America and permanently changing her family's lives forever...but I see no gratitude or kindness I show her when she does soemthing thoughtful for me. Trust me, my quality of life will go down by bringing her here since I've got 2 kids to support on my own."

"My current thoughts now; not to ever call her back and write it all off as a bad experience (seeking a learning curve here) since she hung up for my insisting she take a class I'd pay for (she doesn't work AT ALL right now 2 of 3 living in her apartment aren't working-I'm supporting them)."

oh saw you edited out your PS paragraph. Too bad 'cos that really shows what you should do.....the bit about sending 30k a month and getting nothing but abuse. B30k a month, thats US$1k. <deleted> do you even give your kids that much a month???!!!

Plus if you do take her to the USA, how is she going to be with your kids???!!!

Edited September 26, 200817 yr by mmushr00m

I'm with mmushro0m on this, she sounds like for whatever reason she has decided to become hardened to life. I wouldn't expose my kids to someone like that, who speaks so low & plays these kind of games. And hello, 30k baht a month!!! Jesus, put that in the bank for your kids college education, your priority is to them not on someone who has proven herself to be abusive as well as childish & likes to play silly games, putting down the phone & not picking up... hmm just the kind of future step mom your kids need, not.

Sorry but you really need a slap, print your op out & give it to a really good freind or even better your mum or dad & see what their advice is.

Oh & there is no bulk standard thai women reaction, they are all individuals & react as such. Slight culteral similarities but what one women does is no indication of what another would do. Oh & another thing, get your head out of the clouds with all this night in shining armour crap & "I thought she would be grateful that I was saving her & her family from a life of poverty" <deleted>. They were alll surviving without you, probably quite satificatorly too, so why do you feel it is your job to start supporting them all?

HYENA, i really dont know about the average Thai womans emotions/reactions etc, im sorry. I just really want to wish you luck. Only you can know if you are willing to put up with this, or if its out of line (for you). Im in a relatively new relationship myself (with a Thai man) (six months), and some things/behavior that seem strange to me, but for now i choose to observe rather than react. However, at the moment, we are in the no talking stage because i mentioned something that made me a bit sad (in a nice way). This way of dealing with things really confuses me. For me its an extreme reaction over something that could just be talked out or even ignored but recognised/respected as a feeling that i have about something. I think its somehow maybe about losing face, and not liking when something is questioned in any negative way.???......... but i dont know. However, my bf has not done any of the things you say your gf has done (ie: the way she has spoken to you). I get the nonchalant-ness at times, and the feeling that he wants to feel/be the one in control all the time, but never bad-mouthing me, or putting me down. I think if he were to do that, i wouldnt be able to accept it.

Im not really qualified to give advice, but it does sound like either she just has a childish way of dealing with anything she deems as a put-down, or she really just doesnt respect you. If its the first reason, i think you will have your work cut out for you if you want to try make her aware of this, or you will just need to accept how she is. If its the latter, i think you should move on.

Good luck :/

Thank you, eek!

Since she's got a 5th grade education, I have considered this. It also wears heavily on my mind she really may not respect me. Do Thais exchange "I love you's" and sweet nothings just because or is it frowned upon and "understood". I know she cares about me (possibly only out of duty or nam jai) but I'm starting to gather with her upbringing that treating the spouse in an abusive manner is the norm for her village (at times). She mentions all her neighbors engage in spousal abuse at one time or another, cheating, etc. I'm never one to cheat (jsut don't have it in me) so given how common it is in Thailand, it would seem she'd appreciate that I only have eyes for her but she told me I can cheat 5 times and the 5th, it's over. ??? She also said if a marriage loses its love, then to stay married out of duty more as a partnership after someone cheats. For me, one strike, you're out. I know I've lots to learn about the culture.

I'm just not sure if she doesn't respect me because I'm too nice (versus standing up and being a "man" sometimes) but in my culture, I don't go about life with facades and "manliness" wasting precious time I could be snuggling on the couch watching a good movie! LOL! I'm suspecting her outbursts blew her last relationship but not sure. I do know she lacks motivation and I've read Chinese Thais are more business motivated (I can't get her to take an hour taxi ride to price a truckload of shoes so I'll have to fly over there and do it myself). Early in the relationship, I'd call her and she'd keep telling me she was "busy" and finally after a week of this, I asked, "Busy doing what?" not working, nothing to do....? Can't help (our) business a bit?

If the tables were turned, I'd bust my rear helping her out and improving my knowledge base best I can because that would translate to money. I'm baffled here. The lack of love (I heard Thais are "cool" lovers) concerns me. I'm just not sure how much is culture or if I'm just being used. it does concern me that money is so important one is willing to risk their life dabbling in the sex industry (next time I'll never do it but a study revealed the MAJORITY of women in LOS have at one point or another). I just don't like the focus on money primarily with a secondary focus on happiness and relationship; makes it hard to see what's real and what's for money for the family.

I don't like the vast dysfunction I see with close and extended family (thieving kids, no responsibility for kids, pawning them off on others, cheating male and female spouses, abuse, drinking, etc). I'm learning if this is what Thai culture is about, I'll be off the India or the Philippines (I'd prefer to "import" a wife-traditional values seem to be better for my kids) since it seems the eligible farang women in my area are quite materialistic and not kid lovers. I'd prefer to help impoverished while finding a good heart all on one move, if possible....Maybe I'm dreaming

Edited September 26, 200817 yr by HYENA

I'm with mmushro0m on this, she sounds like for whatever reason she has decided to become hardened to life. I wouldn't expose my kids to someone like that, who speaks so low & plays these kind of games. And hello, 30k baht a month!!! Jesus, put that in the bank for your kids college education, your priority is to them not on someone who has proven herself to be abusive as well as childish & likes to play silly games, putting down the phone & not picking up... hmm just the kind of future step mom your kids need, not.

Sorry but you really need a slap, print your op out & give it to a really good freind or even better your mum or dad & see what their advice is.

Oh & there is no bulk standard thai women reaction, they are all individuals & react as such. Slight culteral similarities but what one women does is no indication of what another would do. Oh & another thing, get your head out of the clouds with all this night in shining armour crap & "I thought she would be grateful that I was saving her & her family from a life of poverty" <deleted>. They were alll surviving without you, probably quite satificatorly too, so why do you feel it is your job to start supporting them all?

Thank you for your (blunt, yet honest) answer. I'm no knight in shining armor; trust me. It has always been my goal (and I believe it's my responsibility) to help the poor. I was born here only by luck. It does make me happy to know if I can apply some money towards education, it would raise their family and their kids to have opportunities they wouldn't have had. The total family net profit for their rice farm is $1400 a year. That's the part that saddens me about ending it. Having said that, I am looking for a foreign wife. I'm no saint; it's for selfish reasons as well as giving reasons. Yes, sending money, building a house, etc would change their lives forever so that's not pretentious (they were in debt to their neighbors without enough to eat for the past year). I helped them settle those debts (though small) and they were in danger of losing what little land they had before I came along.

Her family is working but they weren't making it without a father, hence her former work. Helping them out keeps others from having to do so (at least in LOS it's considered a viable option but not in my book). I'm not expecting anyone to bow down to me or say or do anything special-it's only a question if it's the culture or if they expect it or do they say thanks? I slept in their place, ate the same food and worked along with them. I only ask for common kindness (not much at all and no special treatment) and maybe love/.acceptance in return since they're to be my family? I bought them a water pump and a bunch of other items ($142 pump will double their income potential but they just didn't have the $142 to start). No one looked at me or spoke to me the majority of the time (very different from Central America when I've spent months down there). I only had a question about what she claims "Thai do like that" and what's underneath it.

About kids-she's great with kids and loves kids...likes talking to mine more than talking to me. Sometimes she shocks me a little telling me "I don't want to talk to you, I want to talk to your kids". Stuff like that takes me back, as I wouldn't say that to a fiancee/wife...that's why I'm trying to learn what's culture, what's not...

I think possibly my wish to help people is stronger than my common sense (obvious) and my selfish reasons...doing something with my miserable life for the good of others, that's all. They're from the poorest town in Thailand; one of the poorest families in their neighborhood. My other reasons? My family in my country doesn't speak or visit...at all; it would be nice to "adopt" a family so my kids can see a functional unit, even if it is by marriage. It would also be nice to look to others I can consider "my" family...maybe just a dream of a happy marriage and acceptance...

Edited September 26, 200817 yr by HYENA

Hi Hyena.

Sorry to say but her behaviour is not typical Thai. It is typical of someone juggling appointments/guys. You are being treated with disdain and contempt. If this is what 5 months into the start of a relationship is like, when men and woman overlook/are blind to their partner's faults.

What will it be like in 5 years

I think deep down you know what you need to do (but do not want to do). It is your choice.

Thai ladies are just like farang ladies, some exceptionaly good, some bad, the majority are somewhere in between. Think of ladies in your own country and what you would be doing if you were treated similar. Dislike her, feel sorry for her, dislike white women (Not do. Remember mum and sis)

Please do not wear the rose tinted spectacles when it comes to Thai ladies.

Myself, lived here for a few years before I met my partner, could not be happier. But you need to look for the gems.

Best of luck

agree with the above. she sounds like she doesn't like you very much, and is not willing to respect you or work towards improving things. plenty of other girls around.

also, extreme reactions like that can be a sign of drug abuse.

Yeah sorry hyena I was very blunt there but in a well meaning way I promise you. I just see this kind of thing happening to a man who seems to be kind & wanting to support his future wife & her family & it winds me up as (from what you have written & I do appriciate we only have one side here) you are being used & shit on. Pure & simple.

That you spent time there & was ignored could be put down to them not speaking the langauge but your gf should have made the effort to include you. My husband often has to translates between me & his older relatives & they go out of their way to include me in everything (much to my annoyance sometimes, alone time is considered very odd to them but I need it on occasion ) and even though I dont' eat that much (stomach medical issue) I am still called to dinner to converse over meals, again to include me & be part of family life. Anyone is going anywhere, I am asked along & when I go someplace someone is always with me (again a bit annoying but i know the reaons behind it )

Typically when giving gifts you wont receive a great big hug & a thank you, they are more low key than us in that respect but some kind of thanks would/should have been given.

As to your gf not even wanting to go on a taxi ride to help your business (and her future basically) just shows she is a lazy so & so who would rather sit on her ass & wait for you to send that massive sum every month instead of doing something to contribute to her life. Sorry but she sounds like a nightmare, I know many hard working thai women who work their socks off in UK after coming here with british husbands so that they can support their families in LOS & take that pressure off their spouses, they also contribute to their household there too but I suspect that this women will be sitting on her ass in the US too, waiting for handouts from you.

Hi Hyena.

Sorry to say but her behaviour is not typical Thai. It is typical of someone juggling appointments/guys. You are being treated with disdain and contempt. If this is what 5 months into the start of a relationship is like, when men and woman overlook/are blind to their partner's faults.

What will it be like in 5 years

I think deep down you know what you need to do (but do not want to do). It is your choice.

Thai ladies are just like farang ladies, some exceptionaly good, some bad, the majority are somewhere in between. Think of ladies in your own country and what you would be doing if you were treated similar. Dislike her, feel sorry for her, dislike white women (Not do. Remember mum and sis)

Please do not wear the rose tinted spectacles when it comes to Thai ladies.

Myself, lived here for a few years before I met my partner, could not be happier. But you need to look for the gems.

Best of luck

She's not juggling guys from what I can see (my gut tells me no). Her last BF (he was out of balance) had a private investigator track her for a full year (I spoke with him once) and he assured me she's not the cheating type, at least when she's being supported. Having said that, I appreciate your response. it's going to be painful but I have to end it. Just not sure if I should tell her so she can make arrangements and lower her cost of living or never call her again since she hung up and wouldn't answer my calls. She's got a fat bank account now because I started sending money over there prior to my next visit...it seems the more I send, the meaner she got. Funny, huh? Thanks I really appreciate it!

(Know any eligible, nice Thai ladies? No, I'm not 70 looking for a 18 year old...my friend has also been considering finding a Thai gf/wife so we're going there for a couple months in January-no, we're not into the sex tourist stuff at all). Neither of us are wealthy...just looking for cultural compliments that seem to be absent with what's available here... All our friends who have married Asian wives (after the initial smoke clears) are quite happy.

Boo, thanks for your objective comments; quite helpful (all of you). It's jsut a decision of whether to do anything or not. Last time I called it off, she was packing everything I gave her to send back...so I know she's got a heart but I agree with the laziness aspect (every Thai lady in desperation doesn't choose the easy money out of self respect). It'll break my heart but there are many "me's" out there and I have to look what's good for me. It would be nice to find a Thai wife because I need someone there to scope out business potential, etc. I want to make as much as I can, if I can figure out how and have a contact in Thailand to do some running in exchange for support (family business, I'd consider it). I knew what I had to do...just needed reassurance (not a slap necessarily) since it was me who wrote it. SOmetimes I know my thinking is off so I like to check it before acting....

Edited September 26, 200817 yr by HYENA

I normally refrain from offering comments in these situations, but oh why not....will bite this time

I cant say Im offering any type of advice, each has to make their own decision, but this is how I have and would view things/relationships

(Ive always been involved with someone thats 'different' to me in almost every aspect - different culture (east vs west), different age range (older and younger), and this is what I learnt

we can try to figure out and put things down to the difference in whatever background it is, but the bottom line is if the way they treat you is not how you want to be treated, its irrelevant whether that is part of your partner's culture or not, if he/she is not willing to make adjustment to how they treat you knowing that it bothers you immensely, then it cant work

it is one thing to say this is the culture with regards to tradition and norm (for eg. religious rites, or live in with family or whatever other norms might be), but when it comes to personal behaviour between her and you, this is something SHE has control over. culture and norm does not dictate that she treats you without respect by being rude to you.

your 'reason' for wanting to adopt a family sounds noble, but is that really the kind of 'family' you want to expose your children to? I think you need to separate the 2 and work out what you really want - or maybe 3 things from how I see it - a partner, a loving environment (through extended family?) for your children, and your wish to 'help' the needy

if things dont work out between you and your partner, I dont see how you will get access to that extended family for your children. while the third - you can do that through any other charitable projects, there are a lot of needy people around us everywhere.

whatever you decide but some things will need to change for it to work might be both of you need to adjust, but from what you have shared, she needs to change a fair bit.....

- all the best,

Hi Hyena,

You sound like a diamond to be honest, but a little misguided. If you want to help the poor, give money to charity (where it will be spent wisely). Don't put up with a stroppy ungrateful girlfriend to ease your philanthropic conscience, that's crazy! And to be honest I don't believe that is why you are staying with her. You are obviously attracted to her, want to make things work, are being treated crappily though and you are looking for excuses to stay in the hope she will change. There are plenty of girls in Thailand and the US who would be ecstatic to have a man who likes to stay in and watch movies! She is not appreciating what she has and she doesn't deserve you.

Yes generally Thais are not as vocally emotional when it comes to love and gratitude...but believe me when it is there you know it. When I helped out some friends recently who were having a tough time of it, there was no OTT "thank yous" and hugs and stuff, but just a really sincere wai that to me expressed just as much gratitude as a million thank yous.

Last thing I would say is that remember where this girl came from work wise. That kind of work I think would make you a pretty hardened person with a certain negativity towards the opposite sex. I imagine it would be quite hard for someone who has sold themselves (if this is indeed what you are referring to) to be able to give themselves totally in a relationship without thinking of it as just another business transaction. I know there are many people who have made these relationship work, but just keep it in your head that it is never going to make things any easier for you.

I know we're kinder here on the Ladies forum (and believe me I greatly appreciate that), but this has to be a troll.

NOBODY is that stupid surely!

If it's not a troll, have a look on the General forum, they will enlighten you.

Sorry to be harsh, but in this case it's called for.

I know we're kinder here on the Ladies forum (and believe me I greatly appreciate that), but this has to be a troll.

NOBODY is that stupid surely!

If it's not a troll, have a look on the General forum, they will enlighten you.

Sorry to be harsh, but in this case it's called for.

Have been on the general forum, have been enlightened.

It takes not a single neuron to criticize (anyone with no life experience or education can do that- if all else fails, accuse one of being a troll). It's incredibly easy and takes not a single neuron to say someone is stupid than it is to step into one's shoes, see the world differently and offer some empathy (not sympathy) based suggestions. If I was so stupid, then why are something like 30% of TV relationships started just as mine with little difference?

I do want to thank the rest of you for your contributions. To be honest, I figured the ladies forum would be a bit more harsh, so I was expecting it. Not saying anything bad about any of you; I just knew I had it coming. I'm here offering a piece of my life in order to gain some other views at risk of being ridiculed for my decisions. It's not a television program, it's my life.

Everything has two sides; yes there are things I see in her that are and have been good. Maybe this one just isn't a good mix. I truly don't think she's a user along for the ride but I also get the strong feeling the chemistry isn't there for her but...I'm here and I'll do. That's my gut feeling.

I think most of us at some point in our lives dont want to play the 'dating game' anymore. When we invest time, money, emotions, etc into a relationship, it can be hard to let go or admit to ourselves that we are not being treated with respect, or given the same/similar care in return. Sadly some things just dont work out as we hope.

F1anatic, maybe you have never experienced being in a relationship which you thought (in the beginning) was good, only to find it hard to accept the situation down the line when things go sour or dont seem to be working out. Lucky you. The OP may seem stupid to you, but most people can be a bit blind to things around them and want to ignore warning signs when they love and care for someone. The OP saw those signs (so actually isnt that stupid) and asked for feedback before making a life changing decision. Smart move.

(P.S: I know you say you are looking for a relationship outside your own country..and thats fine of course. But, i am also sure (if you wanted) there are women in your own country who think along the same lines as you. Not all western women want a career and no kids. There are many ways to find/contact like-minded partners (through friends, community events, dating sites, etc). But, whatever you decide, good luck. )

Why are you giving her dosh? You are only enabling her by not having her work and earn dosh the way most people do. You are supporting people you shouldn't - in summary mate you are being made to look like a muppet and being laffed at. Sorry if I sound harsh, but from the details you provide this isnt the first time I have heard the same bloody story. I'm sure she had a tough life, but remember she made a choice, and she chose to go the big dosh route - she quite easily could work in a factory, hotel, restaurant, or shop like most other thai(s) do. I have no problem with what she did personally - its a profession like any other, but don't give her excuses on her horrid behaviour because of it.

As far as relationships go - my gf always appreciates things I do, says she loves me and is completely thoughtful like any western lady I've ever had a relationship with.

on the verbal side of things, country thai dont seem to verbalize i love you type stuff, same as birthdays and anniversaries not being celebrated; thank yous also are a learned thing. if i say thank you to anon he asks me why since he's my husband i dont have to thank him for anything (making tea when im sick to buying something i liked and he thought of me)... on the other hand, u sound like u hae 'pretty woman' syndrome.... u cant buy family. u might find a woman who is wonderful but an orphan, no family to support etc and she can be a great mother to join you and your kids. u seem to have a magazine idea of what a family is.

also, if u give, dont expect returns. part of life is that some things are unconditional. i send packages of clothing and toys and stuff, i never know if the package arrives or not. i dont expect thanx either. its something i want to do. they never asked and could survive just as well without. but i know its fun to receive stuff from out of country and we can afford it (and we dont send money really); i know that the gifts are spread out among a lot of people, i tried giving personal gifts but found that they dont do that... they take what they want or give to whom the want or need to give. another cultural difference.

as far as sending money, it seems that she may have liked u (more important in thailand sometimes then love-- mutually beneficial is a good word for it), but with u sending her money may have moved her over in to a client/customer service provider relationship.

maybe u should sort out what u want or need in a marriage before u continue on your search.

bina

Is the girl disabled ? .if not why is she not working ?,.you have a rent a girlfriend as i see it,...how did she manage with out your installments before you were on the scene,.these types dont know respect and deserve none in exchange,. sounds like a cold money grabber and i can assure you its not a culture thing,there are decent thai women in abundance in thailand, seek one out,. it will be worth it,.

Everything has two sides; yes there are things I see in her that are and have been good. Maybe this one just isn't a good mix. I truly don't think she's a user along for the ride but I also get the strong feeling the chemistry isn't there for her but...I'm here and I'll do. That's my gut feeling.

I don't have any experience with dating Thai ladies... but the Thai ladies I do know are sweet, kind and generous, lots of compliments and soulful feelings shared.

Just me, but if I was a guy looking for a wife in Thailand, I'd want what the country is known for - a women with a good heart and a soft, sweet attitude. Choosing someone with a hurtful, selfish behaviour seems a waste anywhere you are (that's how I'm reading her personality, but I could be wrong).

It does sounds like she's emotionally imbalanced. You wouldn't put up with similar behaviour from a female from your own country, right? Then put the same effort and thought into finding a girl more suitable for what you need in a relationship. Perhaps aim for better upbringing and background?

Thailand is a different culture so it's a mystery in a lot of ways, but basic character traits exist in any country.

Compatibility is also a must if you are considering investing time in any relationship - can she uphold her end of an intelligent conversation, do you have enough in common to withstand years of a relationship, does she have the same moral balance as you, do you have the same dreams for the future... yadda yadda...

From reading your post, you are a kind and giving man. Here's hoping you find someone who deserves all you have to offer.

it seems to me that whether it's a cultural thing or not is immaterial. what you have described is a woman who treats you rudely and with disdain, even though you are very generous to her and her family. in any culture, that would sound like a bad deal.

i respect wanting to share your resources with people in need, but that's not a very good basis for a partnership, is it? it may be that she and her family sense this from you, that you consider them lucky to have your support, rather than feeling a sense of mutual respect. and a sense of mutual respect is the foundation of any kind of worthwhile relationship.

so i think that you may need to be very honest with yourself about whether you were hoping to buy your way into her heart, and into her family dynamic, even with good intentions.

and then be honest with yourself if that is really the kind of woman you're looking for. i hope you realize that if she really had legitimate feelings for you, and was emotionally mature, she would be treating you with kindness and respect. you should feel her love, even if she doesn't say it out loud. and you don't.

i've found, both stateside and in thailand, that when two people have different financial means, it's better to avoid inserting money into the equation at all until you are very sure the connection is based on love, because the attraction of money can really disrupt the equality in a relationship, and makes people stick around even after they don't like you any more, which is what i think you're experiencing now.

good luck to you.

Hi Hyena!!!!

I am an swedish guy living up in Isaan with a thaigirlfriend. I am not in any way a "specialist" what regards relationships here in Thailand but will at first say that I am more or less 100% in agreement with signature "mmmushr00m"!!! You are as he says "taken for a ride".

What concerns my relationsship I must say that she NEVER badmouth me, she says many times when we speak about different things that "you are family" . So there you have a BIG problem hyena. I dont think this girl respect you enough. I have seen this many times in Sweden and I guess you must have the same in the USA???

I dont care if there is any cultural values in this, but to respect your partner is number one, at least for me... if not... they can go...

What concerns; "Thank you"!! You are right Hyena, they should respect of course the help/asistance you are given them! But like you I have experienced exactly the same with my girlfriends family (my girlfriend is OK-I have teached her by now) I have by now accepted the fact that somtimes what is good manner for us is nonsens for them, and vice versa of course. Dont expect Thank you, what you can expect is respect in return for your good doings! It is the same with given a gift to someone, they dont even open it.. they wait until I am gone, so they dont loose face in case they find my gift rotten and poor!!

Hyena... It is very difficult to say what to do to somebody else.. but when reading your "letter", I must say that I wouldn´t stay too long in that relationsship. There are many very very nice girls in thailand, that not has been working to dam_n long with "you know what", that can give you what you urge for, respect and love.

Good luck from a swedish guy!!

Best Regards

Glegolo

I met my gf several months ago. Being honest, she was dabbling in a work not so respected in America. Having read the famous yellow book (ThaiFever), I can understand desperation can drive some to make a sacrifice for their family. I'm willing to let that go and move on, as I could save a life and a family while finding true love (given all equal, I'd rather marry a poor girl who wouldn't normally have this chance). She's proven to be kind most of the time, honest and intelligent...had a 3 year relationship with another farang and it ended abruptly (I'm staring to learn why)?

One cultural difference I see is (I hear Thai's don't lash out?) is she's gotten quite angry at me for petty things and spoken to me in a manner I would never consider speaking to someone I cared about. It's not the words but the "I want to kill you" look and the tone in her voice. She doesn't like the "I love you's" and compliments I give her (she's beautiful, smart, kind...) because she says only babies need to hear that frequently, not a grown woman/man. She does miss and love me only when I stop calling or if she thinks something's wrong or after one of her outbursts but I'm not to keen on dysfunction (but never an "I love you" just because--or do Thais do that?). Sure I've gotten some strife with farang relationships but I was shocked when it started happening for petty things. First time it was over "Do you like T bone or Rib eye steak and telling her the difference-at a western style restaurant" (apparently she just wanted me to order but didn't tell me so). Next was I was discussing something in the taxi and she was angry I was talking in the taxi.

My latest issue while we're awaiting 7 months visa approval is computer and internet. I've encouraged her to go take some classes, bought her some electronics, etc. Although she had taken classes before, the class amounted to an expensive internet cafe with no instruction (seems Thailand is full of those). After 40 hours, she couldn't email a photo, work a camera, locate instant messenger or turn on or locate her webcam on her own computer. I've spent a good 30 hours on the phone teaching and trying to help her but when I ask her if she'd go take some classes (hey, I'm footing the bill, so who cares?). she keeps trying and asking me questions but won't take any classes (spend too much money) not realizing my frustration and that we'd make more money if she could take pictures of items I need to buy (and sell here).

After a call in the middle of the night, she wanted instruction how to find the messgner and webcam again (never got that far yet but could email). Two hours of long distance later, I (kindly) asked her why after many, many times requesting doesn't she want to just find and take a class or pay one of her family members or friends (I don't care if it's 1000 baht just someone show her once). CLICK she hung up on me and hasn't answered her phone since. That was yesterday and I'm realizing she's a firecracker unless I'm missing something culturally. Although it would break my heart to call it off, I cannot imagine treating someone like dirt if they've supported me and my entire family, offering a new life in America and permanently changing her family's lives forever...but I see no gratitude or kindness I show her when she does soemthing thoughtful for me. Trust me, my quality of life will go down by bringing her here since I've got 2 kids to support on my own.

OK--let me back up to back up to my last month- long visit. Another one of those reactions had me packing my bags and grabbing a hotel room 3 days prior to the end of my visit trip. Of course she admitted she was horrible, on and on (I don't like her to speak bad about herself) so I naturally gave in and we made up, etc. Sticking in the back of my head is her outrage at minor events and I'm wondering if I'm looking in the wrong country? Is it common for people not to say thank you when you give them money or buy farm equipment or foot the bill for everyone's food, etc? I've been as generous (sometimes to the point of stupid) but she hasn't really asked for it...at the same time she's ungrateful. I guess it's basic politeness I don't see and it concerns me. She doesn't have to work, I offered to pay her niece high school (she dropped out because not enough money) and I've been trying to be smart about how to help best I can with what I have but I just don't see what I consider an appropriate amount of thanks, consideration or kindness in return...basic politeness.

Maybe it's her upbringing. After I left and stayed at a hotel, she said, "OK, I thought I could show my real emotions 'cause we're married (culturally--Isaan strings around my wrist but lacking ceremony) and that she didn't expect to be forced to be artificially polite for the rest of our marriage....OK when first dating but life gets real, etc.

To me, it sounds like whatever she's learned is appropriate treatment for someone you love amounts to an abusive relationship one way or another. I'm not seeking dysfunction, I'm seeking mutual respect, love and kindness and I'll give anything for it. Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve too much, or I'm missing something culturally?

My current thoughts now; not to ever call her back and write it all off as a bad experience (seeking a learning curve here) since she hung up for my insisting she take a class I'd pay for (she doesn't work AT ALL right now 2 of 3 living in her apartment aren't working-I'm supporting them).

Thanks for reading...just wanted your thoughts on this topic, if you care. I know, some of you will call me an idiot, etc (heard it before). $6 a day hardly seems worth going to work for 12 hour day, though.

Kindest regards,

Hyena!

Look Hyena, you are giving her 30k a month.

Try reducing it and see what happens. I really do think youare being taken for a ride....I mean think about it 30k a month. In the country side that 3-5x what they make in a month. Maybe reducing it will make her be more active.

And as to making $6 a day, well welcome to Thailand. The girls you see in 7-11 makes 6-7000 a month. My wife's cousin makes B10k a month only and they work hard to support their family and when I offered to help, they said no thanks, they can do it themselves.

I really think helping ppl in poverty is a nobel thing but I also believe in helping ppl who either (1) help themselves or (2) are unable to help themselves due to circumstances.

Your GF in my opinion does not fall into any of thses categories. She isnt doing anything to improve her situation, I mean think about it, with 30k she can do alot in the country plus you're trying to set her up in a business. She is given an opportunity ppl would kill for.

In case you think Im a heartless b'stard, I give $$$ monthly to Charity, To 2 infact. (1) to the ophanage in PraKred (only B5000 will feed the kids for an entireday) (2) to an Aids hospice for kids.

If you want to give $$$ give it to those thatreally need it. At least they will be given an opportunity, a chanceto make something of themselves.

Oh and to the cultural thing. Wife's family include me in everything, make sure my wife translates for me whenever they say something. Lots of touchy feeliness.

Yes there is some cultural clashes/misunderstandings but nothing like what you described.

I know a friend like you, by the time he cut his losses he was out 1 house, 1 motorbike, and E100k.

Remember as much as we all like to be saviours, jai dee etc, sometimes........

Sorry to hear about this, as others have said you appear to be taken advantage of, 30K a month is a sizeable amount but finance aside the most saddening part is the way this woman seems to treat you, completely at odds with any Thai female I personally, have ever known. There may be some cultural differences, you won't get many 'sorries' but rather silence as an apology, I find, you may not get someone so luvvy dovey and sweetness but that doesnt excuse the terrible treatment you seem to be on the end of here.

You are actually up front about what you want here, you're looking for a wife. Do you really think you can't do better than this ? I wouldnt let her anywhere near my business and she seems to be milking you for the benefit of her family, she's 'helping' them out in this way but it's frankly not doing anything for you, regardless of whether you are happy to do it. Looking at this long term you can get yourself a much much nicer person to settle down with you, I am sure of it.

This one should be cut loose immediately, don't get caught up in the feeling sorry for the family and stuff, I have a feeling this girl might end up landing on her feet with another bloke when you're gone. You would never stand for this treatment back in the west, treating people nicely isn't a mystery in Thailand, if anything they're fantastic at it and you're having a rotten experience with this girl that frankly seems poisonous

I know we're kinder here on the Ladies forum (and believe me I greatly appreciate that), but this has to be a troll.

NOBODY is that stupid surely!

If it's not a troll, have a look on the General forum, they will enlighten you.

Sorry to be harsh, but in this case it's called for.

Have been on the general forum, have been enlightened.

It takes not a single neuron to criticize (anyone with no life experience or education can do that- if all else fails, accuse one of being a troll). It's incredibly easy and takes not a single neuron to say someone is stupid than it is to step into one's shoes, see the world differently and offer some empathy (not sympathy) based suggestions. If I was so stupid, then why are something like 30% of TV relationships started just as mine with little difference?

I do want to thank the rest of you for your contributions. To be honest, I figured the ladies forum would be a bit more harsh, so I was expecting it. Not saying anything bad about any of you; I just knew I had it coming. I'm here offering a piece of my life in order to gain some other views at risk of being ridiculed for my decisions. It's not a television program, it's my life.

Everything has two sides; yes there are things I see in her that are and have been good. Maybe this one just isn't a good mix. I truly don't think she's a user along for the ride but I also get the strong feeling the chemistry isn't there for her but...I'm here and I'll do. That's my gut feeling.

So sorry to sound harsh, you're absoulutely right, I've no life experience or education to speak off, it's so obvious I've no idea how I dared post in the first place.

Forgive me, just go for it, she's obviously a gem, I just missed it on the first reading.

I met my gf several months ago. Being honest, she was dabbling in a work not so respected in America. Having read the famous yellow book (ThaiFever), I can understand desperation can drive some to make a sacrifice for their family. I'm willing to let that go and move on, as I could save a life and a family while finding true love (given all equal, I'd rather marry a poor girl who wouldn't normally have this chance). She's proven to be kind most of the time, honest and intelligent...had a 3 year relationship with another farang and it ended abruptly (I'm staring to learn why)?

One cultural difference I see is (I hear Thai's don't lash out?) is she's gotten quite angry at me for petty things and spoken to me in a manner I would never consider speaking to someone I cared about. It's not the words but the "I want to kill you" look and the tone in her voice. !.....................

This is how far I came, 5th line, reading....

Walk away or you will regret the day you met her, in the future.

Forget about trying to change her and it's NOT a cultural difference as you mentioned. It's an educational problem and differences in class and paying respect for other human beings. It's considered 'not done' and an absolute NO to shout or become 'quite angry' over petty things in a normal Thai family life. Shouting is considered 'lose face'.

It's in the brain and you can NOT change that.

Believe me....I've seen it before....don't let her beauty fool you; beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. It's the soul that counts, not her beauty.

LaoPo

Edited September 28, 200817 yr by LaoPo

I read someone mention juggling boyfriends which you dismissed. She picks a fight when she has something better to do. It allows her to leave for awhile, do her business, and then come back to your waiting arms. I cannot believe you put up with it. Sorry if this is repetitive.

I cannot but agree with the rest of the gang here. Having experienced something similar in the past I can give you my little piece of advice. Forget about receiving any gratitude. Rather than wondering if it's a Thai thing or not I would be asking myself why I got myself in a relationship as such. Also, I'd use my finances for my kids education and other wise things. Take care of number one..

Hope this not too late.....

I don't think this is typical characteristics for Thai girls.....

Thai is individual in each person, just like other nations... the way of living, education, experience make people different.

Love has no reason, you feel love when you feel like to love.....though she causes too much troubles for you, Hyena...

But I guess you remain your love to her....

Maybe she has grown up her life with so tough living, so her reactions are always aggressive...

As I read, seem like she has sacrificed all the way in her life for her family....this has taken away her optimistic thinking to everything all around..

She doesn't know how to show appreciation, but she does realize in her mind, IMO

You may be patient with her and convince her little by little with your sweet manners..

What you need from her, you also have to do the same, nourish her heart with your sweetness.....

Just like a mental sickness one... , if you understand how come she has reacted in this way....

She can be better.... just need some time and someone to understand her.

Sorry, if my idea is odd.... I use my heart to answer, not the brain to feel for this...

Good luck, Mr.Hyena

OK--let me back up to back up to my last month- long visit. Another one of those reactions had me packing my bags and grabbing a hotel room 3 days prior to the end of my visit trip. Of course she admitted she was horrible, on and on (I don't like her to speak bad about herself) so I naturally gave in and we made up, etc. Sticking in the back of my head is her outrage at minor events and I'm wondering if I'm looking in the wrong country? Is it common for people not to say thank you when you give them money or buy farm equipment or foot the bill for everyone's food, etc?

Well, Im thai. You maby got the wrong person, In Thailand Im always say Khop Kun Ka (thank you) when some of them gave me the thing. Sorry my english not very good but im love to read and lerning (like im reading what farang thinking about thaigirl for now) see.. i know how to use the computer, Im also poor but i alwasy shoud the good way for my life. Every body have good and bad. I hope when my english get better i can write more than that. This maked me interesting about how farang thinking about thai girl.

Keep smiling.

I know you've heard it from others but let me pitch in and say that's it's time to move on, mate.

I love Thai women so please don't see this as a statement about all Thai women but if you go and read threads on here and other sites for expats you'll note that this pattern is very common for girls who used to work "in the industry." And from the stories I've read it will only escalate. Each time you back down means she amps it up the next time. In the most extreme cases I've read (two in particular on this message board) it starts to turn into domestic violence. There are two specific incidents I remember from TV:

1. The girl got so wild and out of control that he had to call her family to come down from the sticks and calm her down so he could get his stuff and get out of the apartment (his apartment). She had threatended him with a knife and said she would cut his willie off and put it in the blender because of friend of her's still in the bars saw him stop in with some friends.

2. The girl moved with him back to the UK and they had a baby. After years of escalating violent behavior on her part eventually their relationship deteriorated to the point where he left her and she called him and told him if he didn't return home she would kill herself and the baby.

Now, the thing both of these stories had a few things in common:

1. It all started off with exactly the type of behavior you're describing and continued to escalate over the course of years.

2. Both guys were on TV asking for advice on how to patch things up. <deleted>?!?!?!

She's not being unappreciative, she's showing contempt. The longer you are together the more she will resent you and the control your money has over her life. She's with you for one reason, the cash you provide. Come on, she thinks she's roped you in with the Thai marriage so in her own words, why should she still be polite to you? Now the act is over and she can plunge herself into a dysfunctional lifecycle of hating you because she needs your money and needing to keep you emotionally attached enough not to leave her.

Like I said, this is NOT normal Thai behavior. Far from it. I know tons of guys who's Thai wives are just as loving today as they were when they met. While it's true that the cultural differences can lead to some conflict in a relationship, what you've described has nothing to do with culture.

Hope everything works out for you mate. Good luck.