When Will She Be Horney Again?

[mrt273nva]

My wife had our baby 6 months ago and since this time we have had only one intimate encounter together (but i had more enjoyment than she did, she just wanted to get it over with). I understand that hormones are rebounding from the pregnancy and the fact that she is still breast feeding has something to do with it, but what is normal? I can't go on like this in a loveless sexless marriage, however I must for the sake of my little boy. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to seduce a postpartum woman into doing things that came so natural before? I always thought that a child brings a family closer together rather than tear it apart. Do I just wait this one out or what?

[Lopburi99]

My wife had our baby 6 months ago and since this time we have had only one intimate encounter together (but i had more enjoyment than she did, she just wanted to get it over with). I understand that hormones are rebounding from the pregnancy and the fact that she is still breast feeding has something to do with it, but what is normal? I can't go on like this in a loveless sexless marriage, however I must for the sake of my little boy. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to seduce a postpartum woman into doing things that came so natural before? I always thought that a child brings a family closer together rather than tear it apart. Do I just wait this one out or what?

First turn off the pressure (if any) for sex. Then talk to her. She's certainly no dummy and recognizes a problem here. Gently ask her leading questions, like "Are you happy honey?" to help her open up. Ask her what she believes a solution might be. Try to develop a plan together. If she is unresponsive, you likely have a major issue to confront.

"I always thought that a child brings a family closer together rather than tear it apart." This statement worries me, possibly suggesting problems in the marriage prior to the baby's arrival. A baby may or may not bring a family closer together - depends largely on both of you striving to obtain that result. A new baby brings new challenges to the healthiest of marriages.

Be cool. Good luck!

[mrt273nva]

First turn off the pressure (if any) for sex. Then talk to her. She's certainly no dummy and recognizes a problem here. Gently ask her leading questions, like "Are you happy honey?" to help her open up. Ask her what she believes a solution might be. Try to develop a plan together. If she is unresponsive, you likely have a major issue to confront.

"I always thought that a child brings a family closer together rather than tear it apart." This statement worries me, possibly suggesting problems in the marriage prior to the baby's arrival. A baby may or may not bring a family closer together - depends largely on both of you striving to obtain that result. A new baby brings new challenges to the healthiest of marriages.

Be cool. Good luck!

Thanks for your reply. I've had a while to try every tactic and have come up blank. There was a problem before the unexpected pregnancy (she expected it, but not I) and we were on the verge of separating. Now we are more peaceful at home now (because I won't allow fighting in front of my son) but there is very little love between us. I would like to resolve this issue so that it won't snowball into something worse. Her being Thai (or maybe her being her) makes it difficult for her to open up or show emotion when she is upset. On the surface we would look like any other happy couple except happy couples are usually expressing affection towards each other behind closed doors. It is too early to tell what she will be like long term so I am hesitant about taking my boy and leaving her (except the thought has crossed my mind). I would hate for my son to not have a mother, but I would equally hate to stay in a stale, sexless marriage. She is making plans already for our second child and it is confusing me. I asked her today "how can we make a second child if we don't practice first ?"

She says she loves me with a non convincing tone, or maybe I'm being paranoid.

Anyway, I'm male. I need sex from time to time. I would hate to lose my son over the issue though.

[taxexile]

Gently ask her leading questions, like "Are you happy honey?" to help her open up. Ask her what she believes a solution might be

thank you aunt lopburi , these are thai women being discussed here , and western style questioning and analysis of ones problems and solution finding might fall on suddenly deaf ears.

saying nothing , but walking around the house all day looking uncomfortable with an obvious bulging erection in ones pants might be a better way of solving this hiatus.

Edited September 27, 2008 by taxexile

[Chopper]

saying nothing , but walking around the house all day looking uncomfortable with an obvious bulging erection in ones pants might be a better way of solving this hiatus.

Rotflamo! Thanks tax, there goes another mouthful of coffee spat over my keyboard. Hilarious.

[Chaimai]

I can't go on like this in a loveless sexless marriage, however I must for the sake of my little boy.

GO !

Life is too short. If you were going to split before the pregnancy I seriously doubt that your new offspring will make it a bed of roses. Your wife has got what she wants and now no longer has any interest in you (it does happen in the west).

I suspect your boy will adequately cared for by his mother and family. You should move on, find another partner and if you are that desperate for kids get her pregnant or adopt. Leave now before the boy gets to know you.

Voice of experience ? I left my first English wife with a 3 year old and a 6 month old. The oldest boy has nothing to do with me because he remembers we bonded and then I left, youngest son has no such memories and regularly keeps in touch. GO NOW - it will not get any easier later.

Edited September 27, 2008 by Chaimai

[mrt273nva]

Voice of experience ? I left my first English wife with a 3 year old and a 6 month old. The oldest boy has nothing to do with me because he remembers we bonded and then I left, youngest son has no such memories and regularly keeps in touch. GO NOW - it will not get any easier later. [/color][/size][/color][/size]

I won't be leaving my son. If anything, he'd be coming with me. My father never left me and I couldn't fathom leaving my offspring to grow up in Thailand with very little English skills and no chance at a real future except farming sugarcane and rice.

[yeti]

Caring for a 6 months old baby can be pretty exhausting, and maybe she does not have much energy left for sex.

If she agrees to it, try to hire a babysitter and have some time for just the both of you (some mother will consider 6 months is too young) or get a part time maid to help your wife out so that when night times comes she might not fall asleep immediatly.

[khunandy]

First turn off the pressure (if any) for sex. Then talk to her. She's certainly no dummy and recognizes a problem here. Gently ask her leading questions, like "Are you happy honey?" to help her open up. Ask her what she believes a solution might be. Try to develop a plan together. If she is unresponsive, you likely have a major issue to confront.

"I always thought that a child brings a family closer together rather than tear it apart." This statement worries me, possibly suggesting problems in the marriage prior to the baby's arrival. A baby may or may not bring a family closer together - depends largely on both of you striving to obtain that result. A new baby brings new challenges to the healthiest of marriages.

Be cool. Good luck!

Thanks for your reply. I've had a while to try every tactic and have come up blank. There was a problem before the unexpected pregnancy (she expected it, but not I) and we were on the verge of separating. Now we are more peaceful at home now (because I won't allow fighting in front of my son) but there is very little love between us. I would like to resolve this issue so that it won't snowball into something worse. Her being Thai (or maybe her being her) makes it difficult for her to open up or show emotion when she is upset. On the surface we would look like any other happy couple except happy couples are usually expressing affection towards each other behind closed doors. It is too early to tell what she will be like long term so I am hesitant about taking my boy and leaving her (except the thought has crossed my mind). I would hate for my son to not have a mother, but I would equally hate to stay in a stale, sexless marriage. She is making plans already for our second child and it is confusing me. I asked her today "how can we make a second child if we don't practice first ?"

She says she loves me with a non convincing tone, or maybe I'm being paranoid.

Anyway, I'm male. I need sex from time to time. I would hate to lose my son over the issue though.

I would go and get some relief from a working girl, try a soapy massage or something to release that frustration. And dont feel guilty about it.

Coming home with a happy demeaner will have her wondering what is going on, a man cant think straight when he has a full balls.

Khun Andy

(Offshore and not thinking straight)

[PeaceBlondie]

Most guys I knew in the West, like me, had sex with our pregnant wives until the last month, and resumed having sex regularly about a month or two after the baby was born. I am not aware that breast feeding has any effect on this. Caring for a newborn is tiresome, but is world-wide, universal.

My farang mate maybe never has had sex with his Thai wife since his wife was about six months pg, and their baby is older than the OP's son. Some people have low sex drives, and some Thai women do not enjoy satisfying their husband, and do not believe they need to. Everybody thinks differently, uniquely, about sex. Maybe this wife thinks sex is just for making babies.

As for taking the 6 month old boy and leaving your wife, do you have any idea how difficult that would be on you and the child? I spent many years raising several of my children on my own, and it was very difficult - and they were at least nine years old when they came to live with me.

Tell your wife there are three basic ways a man gets his sexual release: with his wife, masturbating, or with another woman. Tell her you will have sex whether she gives it to you, or by other means.

[zorro1]

A lot of advice given will be from western views and unless one has been in a long term Thai relationship their advice is meaningless. The major flaw in Thai western relationships is Thais wont discuss anything too emotional. Sounds like the second baby is simply a way of deflecting the issue at hand

[ChangMaiSausage]

Take a couple of days break without the little one (if he's taking bottled milk as well as his mothers milk) go out have a few drinks encourage her to enjoy herself (get her drunk) A lot og joy comes with a new child but also a lot of stress.

[Lopburi99]

First turn off the pressure (if any) for sex. Then talk to her. She's certainly no dummy and recognizes a problem here. Gently ask her leading questions, like "Are you happy honey?" to help her open up. Ask her what she believes a solution might be. Try to develop a plan together. If she is unresponsive, you likely have a major issue to confront.

"I always thought that a child brings a family closer together rather than tear it apart." This statement worries me, possibly suggesting problems in the marriage prior to the baby's arrival. A baby may or may not bring a family closer together - depends largely on both of you striving to obtain that result. A new baby brings new challenges to the healthiest of marriages.

Be cool. Good luck!

Thanks for your reply. I've had a while to try every tactic and have come up blank. There was a problem before the unexpected pregnancy (she expected it, but not I) and we were on the verge of separating. Now we are more peaceful at home now (because I won't allow fighting in front of my son) but there is very little love between us. I would like to resolve this issue so that it won't snowball into something worse. Her being Thai (or maybe her being her) makes it difficult for her to open up or show emotion when she is upset. On the surface we would look like any other happy couple except happy couples are usually expressing affection towards each other behind closed doors. It is too early to tell what she will be like long term so I am hesitant about taking my boy and leaving her (except the thought has crossed my mind). I would hate for my son to not have a mother, but I would equally hate to stay in a stale, sexless marriage. She is making plans already for our second child and it is confusing me. I asked her today "how can we make a second child if we don't practice first ?"

She says she loves me with a non convincing tone, or maybe I'm being paranoid.

Anyway, I'm male. I need sex from time to time. I would hate to lose my son over the issue though.

"...but there is very little love between us.....She is making plans already for our second child...She says she loves me with a non convincing tone"

Highly, highly disturbing!! You are without question being taken for a sucker. Get the h_ell out of there. You clearly care very much about your son, but I would question if you should take him with you unless you are near-fluent in Thai. Don't let her take advantage of you further in any way. Some Thai women are ruthless beyond a Westerner's ability to comprehend. I know, it happened to me. I lost everything. Get out now, with or without the boy. Best of luck. Over and out.

Edited September 28, 2008 by Lopburi99

[Boksida]

there are three basic ways a man gets his sexual release: with his wife, masturbating, or with another woman.

I would suggest the OP do all three simultaneously. What's he got to lose and she might like it? A rekindling, so to speak.

[jts-khorat]

My wife had our baby 6 months ago and since this time we have had only one intimate encounter together (but i had more enjoyment than she did, she just wanted to get it over with). I understand that hormones are rebounding from the pregnancy and the fact that she is still breast feeding has something to do with it, but what is normal? I can't go on like this in a loveless sexless marriage, however I must for the sake of my little boy. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to seduce a postpartum woman into doing things that came so natural before? I always thought that a child brings a family closer together rather than tear it apart. Do I just wait this one out or what?

You mention that your wife has problems expression herself emotionally. From a pure western view, post-natal depression is quiote common and Thais normally have never heard of it (and are otherwise unequipped to understand or handle depression).

If this situation does not get fixed it will get worse, not getting some from her might be only the tip of the iceberg of problems. I try to say this as positive as possible, as this situation can be rectified, if with nothing other than with anti-depressants. But like in so many psychological problems, she will need to see that there is a problem first.

[rixalex]

there are three basic ways a man gets his sexual release: with his wife, masturbating, or with another woman

And i thought you were gay PeaceBlondie???

[mrt273nva]

as this situation can be rectified, if with nothing other than with anti-depressants. But like in so many psychological problems, she will need to see that there is a problem first.

i've begun my cocktail of valium and xanax and it seems to be working for me anyway. it is giving me the "whatever" attitude while time passes by. would like to get off them when things improve (which they have in many ways already, but still not getting laid). She is breast feeding so i am hesitant to have her on any chemicals. as soon as she stops breast feeding i'm going to get her wasted drunk and take advantage of her (just like i use to do, and we both enjoyed it) .

[dotcom]

Get a mistress.

[Lopburi99]

My wife had our baby 6 months ago and since this time we have had only one intimate encounter together (but i had more enjoyment than she did, she just wanted to get it over with). I understand that hormones are rebounding from the pregnancy and the fact that she is still breast feeding has something to do with it, but what is normal? I can't go on like this in a loveless sexless marriage, however I must for the sake of my little boy. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to seduce a postpartum woman into doing things that came so natural before? I always thought that a child brings a family closer together rather than tear it apart. Do I just wait this one out or what?

You mention that your wife has problems expression herself emotionally. From a pure western view, post-natal depression is quiote common and Thais normally have never heard of it (and are otherwise unequipped to understand or handle depression).

If this situation does not get fixed it will get worse, not getting some from her might be only the tip of the iceberg of problems. I try to say this as positive as possible, as this situation can be rectified, if with nothing other than with anti-depressants. But like in so many psychological problems, she will need to see that there is a problem first.

JTS - I also considered mentioning the postpartum depression possibility, but the OP mentioned they were on the verge of separating before learning about the pregnancy. Also, his mentioning she was already planning a second child doesn't sound like depression to me. You are correct in mentioning Thais not normally being aware of ppd, and in fact largely do not acknowledge psychological/psychiatric possibilities much less the related clinical treatment with anti-depressants. Psychological/psychiatric services in Thailand are far and few between (especially upcountry), as opposed to in the West where Drs/therapists/clinicians exist everywhere in every flavor imaginable.

I admit my personal experience makes me highly gun-shy, but for me this scenario (as it has been explained by the OP) just doesn't pass the smell test. Sounds to me like the OP is currently superheated, for understandable reasons, but he needs to be thinking with his big head, not the little one.

If he decides to continue trying to patch things up, I continue to wish him the best but I encourage him to, at the very least, be very very careful. I see only red warning flags everywhere...and his resorting to a valium/Xanax cocktail is one of the most major.

Edited September 28, 2008 by Lopburi99

[PeaceBlondie]

there are three basic ways a man gets his sexual release: with his wife, masturbating, or with another woman

And i thought you were gay PeaceBlondie???

Yes, but when I was in the closet, I made many more babies than Oscar Wilde did. I assume the OP is not looking for a gay Thai or a ladyboy, but those are other options.

[mrt273nva]

I assume the OP is not looking for a gay Thai or a ladyboy, but those are other options.

you assume correct. those aren't options for me.

[fred2007]

there are three basic ways a man gets his sexual release: with his wife, masturbating, or with another woman

And i thought you were gay PeaceBlondie???

Yes, but when I was in the closet, I made many more babies than Oscar Wilde did. I assume the OP is not looking for a gay Thai or a ladyboy, but those are other options.

well maybe you should give me some options as well I am married for nearly 6 years now and the only time I had sex that was before I got married I guess a couple of times after that and we don't have a baby

[rixalex]

And i thought you were gay PeaceBlondie???

I assume the OP is not looking for a gay Thai or a ladyboy, but those are other options.

More than one way to skin a cat is what you are saying.

[PeaceBlondie]

Do many Thai women grow up learning to be asexual?

[RetireSoon]

Do many Thai women grow up learning to be asexual?

Thai women understand a man needs sex, if she is not giving it he could go elswhere I dont think the women would bat any eyelid as long as she and her child have money.

Mia Noi is the way forward, its seems a classic case of a Western attitude trying to be forced on Thai ways....

Rich guys are expected to have a mistress in Thailand.

Thais who marry falangs dont do the hearts and flowers stuff, as one poster wrote they can be ruthless beyond belief...They also dont "I love you every ten mins" there is a reason its to lie to save face we know that, so her saying it does she mean it .......In Los actions speak louder than words.

Words in Los are not really worth a lot...

Either get a mistress or have a hand crank

Edited September 28, 2008 by RetireSoon

[matcube]

As someone else pointed out, it's really important to tell apart whether this is a consequence of problems present before the arrival of the baby or just a post-partum depression.

To rule out the latter, you should try to separate the mum's mind from the baby. It's hard for them (women) to care about sex while the baby is in their mind, let alone around them. Make an effort to help out, be kind and supporting, creating free time and space for her. See if you can take over the care of the baby for half a day, and let her go wherever she used to ... shopping, see some friends, what makes her feel "her", free, no worries and no thoughts. And yes, any pressure for sex is only going to destroy the fragile castle you are building. Make an effort to understand that if she is really honest (that is, she loves and cares for you) then the reasons for abstinence are not related to you, but is her own problem, a real one, that she would like to overcome too; support, patience, and giving up the idea that there will be more sex any time soon will help a lot. And sure, other sex options for the time-being (self-help or professional help, so to speak) may release the pressure and free your mind.

I would try that path first; I would invest 2-3 weeks with that strategy. Only at that point I'd start considering that it has to do with the first possibility and pondering a way out, as other suggested.

[imaneggspurt]

Or get a mia noi

[ClaytonSeymour]

Or get a mia noi

And if he doesn't want one of them, it's easy enough to find 'short time' arrangements.

Edited September 29, 2008 by ClaytonSeymour

[BigSnake]

Could be a little of the Fear Factor in play here, fear of making another baby so soon, six month old can be a hand full for a young mother. just a thought. How old is she? Is this the first child for her?? Sound fairly normal to me, my guess is if you relax, help out with the task of take care of the newborn she will come around in due time.

Edited September 29, 2008 by BigSnake

[PeaceBlondie]

From what the OP has told us here, he and his wife have serious, profound differences of opinion about sexuality, and are unable to discuss it. Birth control would prevent another pregnancy until they can work it out, which might take five years. In my youth, a woman's magazine had a monthly column, "Can this marriage be saved?"