Can A Thai Man Be Mister Mom?

[dogonit]

I'm finding the fact that I will probably always be the main breadwinner to be a major issue in my relationship with my husband. It is an issue with a lot of women around the world. It seems that many women can earn just as much or more that their husbands.I have obviously had more opportunities in my life as far as education, travel and work experience. I am able to find a job easily and in many different countries. Now, I am going back to work soon and my husband and I are dealing with this work and child care situation. For example, I could get a job in a high paying Asian country and my husband could look after our child. Does anyone have any experience with this? It will probably get a lot of smirks and commentary in the Asia world or am I clueless? What is the reaction of Thais when the wife is the mainbreadwinner? Will it make a difference that the wife is a falang? Is my husband going to get tormented to death? My husband's meager income is from agriculture and he doesn't need to be hands on everyday, just a few times in a month. It makes sense to me that I work and he takes care of our child. Let's just say I'm worried..... .

[jdinasia]

If your husband is a well-centered man then it will only be a matter of adjustment. Will he get razzed some? Maybe! but even in villages wives often work! So the working thing is just that big of an issue.

[Boo]

I earn 3 times my husbands salary but it has never been an issue. He contributes equally to the household costs & our son goes to a childminder. No one in his family or his friends have ever mentioned mine or his earning abilities. It is generally not something that is discussed. As for being a stay at home dad, my husband is a wonderful father but I would not be happy with him taking care of our son in leiw of working outside the home. Apart from his own need to work I don't think he would provide our son the right type of developmental skills or provide the kind of attention & play skills that our son needs. His cm provides these things & he socializes with the other children she looks after, something we would not be able to provide.

[janetplanet]

I earn 3 times my husbands salary but it has never been an issue. He contributes equally to the household costs & our son goes to a childminder. No one in his family or his friends have ever mentioned mine or his earning abilities. It is generally not something that is discussed. As for being a stay at home dad, my husband is a wonderful father but I would not be happy with him taking care of our son in leiw of working outside the home. Apart from his own need to work I don't think he would provide our son the right type of developmental skills or provide the kind of attention & play skills that our son needs. His cm provides these things & he socializes with the other children she looks after, something we would not be able to provide.

This is my predicament. In my home country father's often stay home and look after the children when the wife is working. It is becoming more and more common. When I go to the community centre for some play groups there are at least 30% men and their children joining the group. I really doubt this is happening in Thailand or Asia. So, what you are saying is that it is perfectly reasonable that I am earning more than him but it's the child care that is the issue. Perhaps we could find a 'part-time' child minder and then he would be able to share the caregiving with them?

Edited November 22, 2008 by janetplanet

[aussiechick]

The only important issue here is how you and your husband feel about this. Is he happy to be doing this and are you happy with it? What anybody else thinks or feels is not at all important.

[meme]

We are also in the same predicament in that I will always make more than my husband whether we work in Canada or Thailand. Now, in Thailand I make 6x what he makes. His job allows him to be home a lot more than myself so he takes on the role as house husband as well. However he did have a hard time coming around to this idea as he is the youngest of 6 and has never had to do anything for himself. He lived in his village, with his mom, sister and her family his entire life until I met him when he was 27! so the fact that I expected him to do the dishes etc. was a bit hard for him to accept at first but then when he realized it helped me out he was came around to the idea, he cooks and cleans...but he remains stubborn about the dam_n dishes! He does however not consider it work, when I try to explain that the work he does around the house is a 'job' and he should consider it so and take value in it, he refuses and doesn't really believe that house husbands exists in the West. He does have friends who stay home while their wives work but they also live with their extended families so they still don't really end up taking care of their kids or house hold chores, I swear their only job is taking their wives to and from work! He has honestly had to change his entire outlook on the domestic roles of men and women...who says men cant be changed As for when we have kids, I would be 100% fine with having him stay home with them, and he also would be happy to...but at this point he would agree to anything if it meant we could start having kids! Who knows though, we will have to see when the time comes.

[dogonit]

It is especially difficult convincing a man that being a house husband is a valuable job. If a woman can work in a highly paid job and her husband is happy to be responsible for grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying the bills etc. It makes life happier and easier for everyone. It is a growing reality in the western world but probably just a rarity in Asia.

I have a silly-tricky question here and perhaps I should start a separate thread but here goes. Is getting used to transporting my child or someone else transporting my child on motorbike inevitable? This is in relation to having a caregiver as well.

[Ave]

My boyfriend is on holiday at the moment but he does all the housework while I am at work and that includes my laundry and everything else. The only thing he can't do is cooking but he said he is going to learn.. I, in return, pay for everything until he goes back to work and starts sharing all the expenses with me. My only concern is to make sure that he continues to act responsibly and is able to provide for both of us in case I fall ill or have to take care of a possible new born baby. What other people think is not really my problem.

[torrenova]

I don't see it as a problem but some guys would. I'm in the traditional role of breadwinner but if the mother was in my position then I'd stay home and look after the baby. If both partners can earn then I think that is better in the long term but for a while, I don't think it matters.

As for the motorbike question. NO, you do never have to accept that someone will want to transport your child as a quasi airbag on their motorbike. Your child, your rules.

[dogonit]

I don't see it as a problem but some guys would. I'm in the traditional role of breadwinner but if the mother was in my position then I'd stay home and look after the baby. If both partners can earn then I think that is better in the long term but for a while, I don't think it matters.

As for the motorbike question. NO, you do never have to accept that someone will want to transport your child as a quasi airbag on their motorbike. Your child, your rules.

Is it usual that caregivers do the caregiving in the child's home or in their home in Thailand or anything goes?

[patklang]

The only problem i can see with a thai husband staying at home is that generaly they are lazy.Mainly because the mammas have done everything for them and also the sisters of the house do the work.This is not a criticism,more of an abservation from friends i have.

[JohnC]

Welcome to the 21st century! he becomes a house husband and no doubt the envy of his peers!

[mssabai]

Hold up that generalisation there Patklang, you are speaking for some not all. I can give you just as many examples to the contrary.

I think it is up to personality whether someone should be a house husband. If he is someone who would be fulfilled by staying at home then let him. If on the other hand he would need more stimulus, then it isn't fair just because he is the lower earner, to get him to stay at home (unless childcare options were simply not available or were too expensive).

I think some people are happy with it and some people aren't...doesn't matter what sex. I know I wouldn't want Mr Sabai doing it not because he wouldn't, but that he would be so bored (and would therefore moan at me...which would swiftly lead to mr and mrs mai sabai).

Mr Sabai is jobless at the mo and driving me nuts with his moaning (I am in the UK at the mo), so he is going to finish high school and enroll on a mechanics course to keep himself occuppied.

[sbk]

Mssabai is right, the fact is that there are people who would find child rearing and housework fulfilling and many who would be bored witless, either male or female.

Mr sbk would be hopeless in the housework category, not because mommy took care of everything (far from it) but because he just doesn't notice when things are not clean and I do. I also know many Thai men who take on a good portion of the child rearing and enjoy it thoroughly.

Many men, Thai or western, have a very difficult time with the idea of relying on the wife for income.

[torrenova]

A couple of good points there about whether the guy can actually be satisfied and fulfilled in the role as main child carer and presumably home maker. I hadn't really thought about it on that level, presumably because I've never been in the position where the woman earned more than me. I have, when young, been in a situation where the girl I lived with (both students) had far more money than me though.

I know I am better at housework than my missus. She is not a good planner and finds it difficult to see a task through, often leaving something half finished, which infuriates me and sometimes I just take the task on to make sure that it gets done to my satisfaction. That is hardly fulfilling but the end result is one that I am happy with and as such, there is some satisfaction there.

I would not have a problem with "things being the wrong way around" but I do think I would find it hard, if I earned nothing, to have to account for what I spend. Maybe that is the hardest thing, not the role.

[sbk]

A couple of good points there about whether the guy can actually be satisfied and fulfilled in the role as main child carer and presumably home maker. I hadn't really thought about it on that level, presumably because I've never been in the position where the woman earned more than me. I have, when young, been in a situation where the girl I lived with (both students) had far more money than me though.

Something women face all the time, torrenova. Some women love it and some women feel as if they have lost their own identity to it. Why would a man be any different?

I know I am better at housework than my missus. She is not a good planner and finds it difficult to see a task through, often leaving something half finished, which infuriates me and sometimes I just take the task on to make sure that it gets done to my satisfaction. That is hardly fulfilling but the end result is one that I am happy with and as such, there is some satisfaction there.

God, isn't this the truth. My husband is absolutely hopeless, even when he thinks it looks clean, it doesn't to me. So, I have just learned that it is easier to do it myself.

I would not have a problem with "things being the wrong way around" but I do think I would find it hard, if I earned nothing, to have to account for what I spend. Maybe that is the hardest thing, not the role.

TBH, the men I have known who have had to rely on their wives greater incomes (western men all, btw) have not had so much a hard time with the accounting side of the thing as with the idea that somehow they have failed as men, that it should be the man who makes more. Something more men will have to face as women's salaries slowly reach parity with mens (although still far off, even in the western world).

[Boo]

I would not have a problem with "things being the wrong way around" but I do think I would find it hard, if I earned nothing, to have to account for what I spend. Maybe that is the hardest thing, not the role.

This is one of the main reasons I have always strived to earn well & would have always returned to work in some capacity after having kids, even if my husband earned enough to keep us all comfortably.

I do not find staying home all day, cleaning & caring for a child satisfying & also would not take having to ask for money or being told what I can or can't spend very well either.

Some women can & do like that role but not me & not my husband either. He hated being out of work when we first moved back to UK so I just gave him his own ATM card & money every month so do with as he pleased, just as he would have with a salary, that way he didn't have to ask me or my permission to buy what he wanted & felt in control of his own life still. Thankfully he started working soon after cause I really didn't liek that senario either

[torrenova]

I would not have a problem with "things being the wrong way around" but I do think I would find it hard, if I earned nothing, to have to account for what I spend. Maybe that is the hardest thing, not the role.

This is one of the main reasons I have always strived to earn well & would have always returned to work in some capacity after having kids, even if my husband earned enough to keep us all comfortably.

I do not find staying home all day, cleaning & caring for a child satisfying & also would not take having to ask for money or being told what I can or can't spend very well either.

Some women can & do like that role but not me & not my husband either. He hated being out of work when we first moved back to UK so I just gave him his own ATM card & money every month so do with as he pleased, just as he would have with a salary, that way he didn't have to ask me or my permission to buy what he wanted & felt in control of his own life still. Thankfully he started working soon after cause I really didn't liek that senario either

I see that now in our family. Having divested most of our (read mine if you want) businesses in Thailand, I am faced with my other half not having an income derived from her employment. Both before and after she had our baby, she worked for me in a number of roles and received a salary, bonuses and other benefits. These were stipulated and written so there could be no confusion. Now she finds it hard to budget and I not prepared just to hand over money at every request.

I have yet to find an adequate solution.