Omg! My Daughter Works In A Bar

[JoeThePoster]

she is 18 years old

she has lied for the last three years

This may sound cruel, but it looks like she has made a choice - get over it.

[Kf6vci]

Relax, things are never like they seem. Not every bar is into bar fines (hearsay - I am not into bars or pick up games) and not every girl working even in a bar which does play such games is easy. You might very well be worrying over the wrong things alltogether.

You being lied to for 3 years, with her pretending to get an education is truly shocking.

Seems like you two have no relationship -

maybe she needs to hit rock bottom?

maybe it is time to stop supporting her wasting her precious life time on making a bit more than what you provide. All this so she can have the lastest Nokia N96 phone or a 40 GB I-Pod or the like? Sad, very sad.

Money won't help - and she won't even listen to anything you say. I recall being her age, how self centered and bloody arrogant I was! Likely, she thinks she knows it all...

Her mother has been an insider all those years?

I would shun them both!!!

[swain]

I would extend the invitation to leave. The fact that Mom owns the bar puts your Daughter in a power position and being a bar girl is about the lowest position in a bar like this. I doubt she willingly go to the dark side of this business as she would lose too much face.

What I would do, if funds allowed, would be to sit down with her and talk about what makes her happy in life. What are her dreams and goals. At 18 they may or may not be realistic but she might surprise you. I changed my major at Uni 6 times, this is a time for her to find out what she wants to do with her life. Also I took off a year before going as well to travel. Maybe this might have some interest for her as well.

As for Mommy taking her money for school and spending it on??? I would let my daughter know that her Mother did this, and that you start to work things out directly with her. Take Mom out of the loop for goodness sake. You don't want to speak ill of Mom but you want her to start to understand that she has to look out for her own best interests. Accept whatever she says .. even if its not what you want to hear as long as its not self destructive. Offer suggestions not ultimatums. Get her on your side. Showing love for your Daughter, and that you are sad that she lied NOT angry. She will start to think about this. Just plant the seeds. Shunning doesn't come into the equation. Unconditional love will allow your Daughter to truly find her place in the world.

Mom seems to be playing to the wrong instincts in your Daughter and getting your Daughter out of this situation would be best in the long run.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Edited December 30, 2008 by swain

[IMA_FARANG]

I only found out when I turned up unanounced, she lives with my ex. she is 18 years old and I was led to to think for the last 3 years I had been paying for her private education it seems not.

It came as shock to me, the fact that she has lied for the last three years hurt.

I'am in the UK the moment not back till feb, what should I do????

1. let her get on with her life?

2,Take her to live with me?

3.Talk her out of it?

4.Accept things as they are?

Her mother is no help what soever.

Has this happend to any other members daughters?

Just not sure the right way to proceed at the moment.

comments????

Regards, typoon.

Here's the reality of it....you can't live their lives for them...all you can do is raise them, then let them go their own way.

If asked you can offer your opinion, the rest is up to them. You can't make them do anything.

When you were 18, would you have listened to your father or mother. I didn't.

Be glad she still comes to visit her dad...a lot don't even bother with that.

Don't pass judgement on her...all you will do is lose her visits if she feels hurt by your judgement and criticisim. Then you lose her. I don't think that's what you want, is it?

Just to add: I knew a man who had a daughter by his Thai wife. This man always had the dream that one day he would bring his daughter back to the U.S. (he was seperated from his Thai wife by then) The daughter was raised in Thailand ,living with her mom. When his daughter reached 16, he tried to get her to come to the U.S. to go to a college there. He was shocked to find out that his daughter wanted no part of that life. She had grown up in Thaialnd, and spoke Thai as her first language. She felt more Thai than half American. Couldn't concieve of living in the U.S. because the culture was too alien to her. My friend had to let her go, to live her life the way she wanted. Now 15 years later his daughter has a good job and a family in Bangkok. He passed away a few years ago...but he lived long enough to see his daughter start her life, in her own way.

That's all a father can do anyway. isn't it?

Edited December 30, 2008 by IMA_FARANG

[yogi]

try to find another job opportunity,so that she can quit this job and work somthing more meaningful.

[snowflake]

I don't have a daughter but knowing the bar scene in Bangkok I would be worried. As I am sure that you know what kind of bar it is you would be able to decide what kind of work she is in. that you should know better than the rest.

Working in a bar is not a bad thing, she might wear short skirts and skimpy tops but most girls wear that all the time when they are in a scene like that. She might have helped out her mum to run the bar and there is nothing wrong with that, is it?

Think about what kind a bar it is, and decide how "bad/good" it is... I know many girls that work in bars that are not willing to go with people........... Everyone has a prize and if you cut her off it might be more tempting so be careful and think.

The thing that should bother you is the fact that she has lied to you for the last 3 years, I am not sure if you are her real father, and if you are not, you are the sugardad who she can get easy money from. (thais will always be more faithful to eachother and other thais if they find a farang sugar dad... It's all about the money...

I have lived here in Thailand for 8 years now and I am still amazed on some of the things I hear from Thais, when they talk about their BF's... They look at it as a job to be a girlfriend, they want to get paid... (some are nice and decent but in my experience most girls are not)

Good luck finding out what is really happening and take the course of action that you see fit...

[wensiensheng]

Whether it's a nice bar or a girlie bar, whether she is on the admin side or the pussy side, there is nothing that you can MAKE her do. You can talk to her and tell her how you worry about her going with men and why it's not a thing to be proud of, but she will do whatever she wants to do. Just as we all pretty much did at her age. Keeping communication lines open is a good thing I think (she may not always feel how she does now), so anger probably won't achieve anything and try not to nag every time you see her....just sometimes . I suspect this will be a long process without much tangible result in the short term, but what else?

BUT, the big question, what are you going to do about the money and the lying? IMHO, you can't be seen to be an easy touch, at least not now that you know what has been happening. Otherwise she will have no respect for you at all, now or ever. Not much you can do other than tell her how you feel about her lies and stop paying any money. Of course, no money may drive her to the dark side...a risk. But, unless you can be sure where your money is going, you're being laughed at behind your back as a soft touch. Tough decision, but has to be taken.

My daughter went crazy as a late teenager and no doubt did a lot of things neither she or I would be proud of (this is in UK) but 8 years later she is married, has completed a degree and expecting her first child in March. We don't talk much about the wild years! Parents exitto suffer the actions of their teenage children!

[quiksilva]

I only found out when I turned up unanounced, she lives with my ex. she is 18 years old and I was led to to think for the last 3 years I had been paying for her private education it seems not.

It came as shock to me, the fact that she has lied for the last three years hurt.

I'am in the UK the moment not back till feb, what should I do????

1. let her get on with her life?

2,Take her to live with me?

3.Talk her out of it?

4.Accept things as they are?

Her mother is no help what soever.

Has this happend to any other members daughters?

Just not sure the right way to proceed at the moment.

comments????

Regards, typoon.

Here's the reality of it....you can't live their lives for them...all you can do is raise them, then let them go their own way.

If asked you can offer your opinion, the rest is up to them. You can't make them do anything.

When you were 18, would you have listened to your father or mother. I didn't.

Be glad she still comes to visit her dad...a lot don't even bother with that.

Don't pass judgement on her...all you will do is lose her visits if she feels hurt by your judgement and criticisim. Then you lose her. I don't think that's what you want, is it?

Just to add: I knew a man who had a daughter by his Thai wife. This man always had the dream that one day he would bring his daughter back to the U.S. (he was seperated from his Thai wife by then) The daughter was raised in Thailand ,living with her mom. When his daughter reached 16, he tried to get her to come to the U.S. to go to a college there. He was shocked to find out that his daughter wanted no part of that life. She had grown up in Thaialnd, and spoke Thai as her first language. She felt more Thai than half American. Couldn't concieve of living in the U.S. because the culture was too alien to her. My friend had to let her go, to live her life the way she wanted. Now 15 years later his daughter has a good job and a family in Bangkok. He passed away a few years ago...but he lived long enough to see his daughter start her life, in her own way.

That's all a father can do anyway. isn't it?

Nice post.

[Vato]

I only found out when I turned up unanounced, she lives with my ex. she is 18 years old and I was led to to think for the last 3 years I had been paying for her private education it seems not.

It came as shock to me, the fact that she has lied for the last three years hurt.

I'am in the UK the moment not back till feb, what should I do????

1. let her get on with her life?

2,Take her to live with me?

3.Talk her out of it?

4.Accept things as they are?

Her mother is no help what soever.

Has this happend to any other members daughters?

Just not sure the right way to proceed at the moment.

comments????

Regards, typoon.

may i ask why you were not in thailand and making the dedication to raise your daughter ?...take her abroad and send her to school...and take the initiative to tutor her in english so she passes the IELTS/TOEFL exam, or get her a female english teacher....male english teachers here can be trusted like a lamb with a lion.

you contributed to the mess, by not being responsible enough to be by her side...now you fix it.

[imaneggspurt]

I only found out when I turned up unanounced, she lives with my ex. she is 18 years old and I was led to to think for the last 3 years I had been paying for her private education it seems not.

It came as shock to me, the fact that she has lied for the last three years hurt.

I'am in the UK the moment not back till feb, what should I do????

1. let her get on with her life?

2,Take her to live with me?

3.Talk her out of it?

4.Accept things as they are?

Her mother is no help what soever.

Has this happend to any other members daughters?

Just not sure the right way to proceed at the moment.

comments????

Regards, typoon.

may i ask why you were not in thailand and making the dedication to raise your daughter ?...take her abroad and send her to school...and take the initiative to tutor her in english so she passes the IELTS/TOEFL exam, or get her a female english teacher....male english teachers here can be trusted like a lamb with a lion.

you contributed to the mess, by not being responsible enough to be by her side...now you fix it.

Best thing he can do is stay clear,im gambling that the daughter is hers,and not a 50/50..the mother is back at the bar,so maybe he did the best thing and realised what she was and left her.as for his role as a father ,yes questionable,but i think too late now, too much water under the bridge,.proceed with caution,.

[britmaveric]

At the end of the day she is 18, not lot you can do about it. Offer her a choice, but dare say prob a bit too late now.

She in Bangkok or ????

[Neeranam]

I often worry about how I would deal with a situation like this. I have 2 daughters. I had a wild wild teenage years so can I really stop my girls doing the same. Ig would be very hypocritical to say "don't ever drink" "never touch cannabis" etc. I used to practically live in a bar. I have to hope that they don't and do my best to prevent it. If it happens I have to deal with it and accept it.

Reminds me of a song I heard when I was young - Why must every generation think they're folks are square?

And no matter where they're heads are, they know mom's aint there.

Cause' I swore when I was small, that I'd remember when,

I knew what's wrong with them, that I was smaller than.

Determined to remember all the cardinal rules.

Like, sunshowers are legal grounds, for cutting school.

I know I have forgotten maybe one or two.

And I hope that I recall them all before the baby's due.

And I'll know he'll have a question or two.

Like, hey pop. Can I go ride my zoom?

It goes twohundred miles an hour, suspended on baloons.

And can I put a droplet of this new stuff on my tounge?

And imagine puffing dragons, while you sit and wreck your'e lungs.

And I must me permissive, understanding of the younger generation.

And then I know that all I've learned, my kid assumes.

And all my deepest worries must be his cartoons.

And still I'll try to tell him all the things I've done,

relating to what he can do when he becomes a man.

And still he'll stick his fingers in the fan.

And hey pop, my girlfriend's only three.

She's got her own videophone,

and she's taking LSD.

And now that were best friends, she want's to give a bit to me.

But whats the matter daddy? How come your'e turning green?

Can it be that you can't live up to your dreams?

[Neeranam]

At the end of the day she is 18, not lot you can do about it. Offer her a choice, but dare say prob a bit too late now.

She in Bangkok or ????

I will never allow my daughters to go to Pattaya, ever for any reason.

[bonobo]

Every woman working in a bar is the daughter of someone. Yet most of the time, the parents who generally ignore (or even enjoy) the bar scene are genuinely shocked when it is their daughter who takes a job there.

Actually, and I could be wrong here, I understand that a women must be 20 years old to work in a bar, not 18. Regardless, the woman in question here is pretty much going to do what she wants to do, no matter what the OP desires or says.

Some women are pretty much forced into the sex industry (not saying the OP's daughter has gone that far) due to very few options. Offering someone like this a valid option can be a lifeline to get such a woman out of the industry. However, other women, and it seems like the OP's daughther is one such, get involved because they like it. They like the money, the excitement, the attention, and nothing is going to get them to leave. There was a good Australian documentary called The Good Women of Bangkok which followed a BG around in her daily life. At the end of the documentary, the producer bought her a farm in Issan as that was what she purportedly was working as a BG in order to buy and escape that life. A year later the producer checked up on her, and she was back in Bangkok working the bars again. She still had the farm, but she now thought farmiing was too boring and too much hard work.

[britmaveric]

No worries Neeranam, like most teenies - they won't tell you what they are up to and will probably go to Patters without you knowing.

[Neeranam]

No worries Neeranam, like most teenies - they won't tell you what they are up to and will probably go to Patters without you knowing.

I'm going to rise above you and remain silent.

[sassienie]

I only found out when I turned up unanounced, she lives with my ex. she is 18 years old and I was led to to think for the last 3 years I had been paying for her private education it seems not.

It came as shock to me, the fact that she has lied for the last three years hurt.

I'am in the UK the moment not back till feb, what should I do????

1. let her get on with her life?

2,Take her to live with me?

3.Talk her out of it?

4.Accept things as they are?

Her mother is no help what soever.

Has this happend to any other members daughters?

Just not sure the right way to proceed at the moment.

comments????

Regards, typoon.

Not sure if I believe you or not because you are too matter of fact about this situation, your post shows no indication of parental concern or emotion.

Or perhaps you have never had a close relationship with your daughter.

If this story is true, than it’s a terrible thing to discover your own daughter working in a bar that is probably the lowest sort of job anyone can do.

So now I am wondering, is working in Thailand within the sex industries acceptable to most Thai families and embedded into and as part of Thai culture?

[britmaveric]

No worries Neeranam, like most teenies - they won't tell you what they are up to and will probably go to Patters without you knowing.

I'm going to rise above you and remain silent.

Come on just look at all the rubbish you got yourself into when you were a wee tike - we all forget what we were like when we were young. We do our best with our children and hope they make the right choices, but at the end of the day part of learning is making their own mistakes.

[Huey]

I only found out when I turned up unanounced, she lives with my ex. she is 18 years old and I was led to to think for the last 3 years I had been paying for her private education it seems not.

It came as shock to me, the fact that she has lied for the last three years hurt.

I'am in the UK the moment not back till feb, what should I do????

1. let her get on with her life?

2,Take her to live with me?

3.Talk her out of it?

4.Accept things as they are?

Her mother is no help what soever.

Has this happend to any other members daughters?

Just not sure the right way to proceed at the moment.

comments????

Regards, typoon.

Post a picture and list the bar name, so we can go there and tell her the evils of working there and convince her to quit

[Ulysses G.]

I'm pretty good at convincing.

[typhoon]

Are you sure she is working in a bar...?? The only reason I ask is that this appears to have been 'sprung on you', where did she live with her Mother, in a village or Town...?? Does her Mum see her regularly or live nearby.......??

Yes she is, I should have made it clear she lives with her mother above the bar her mother owns in a large town not to far from Bangkok.

This is why her mother seems not to care.

Do you mind me asking are you her birth father, ?

YES 100%

[typhoon]

Relax, things are never like they seem. Not every bar is into bar fines (hearsay - I am not into bars or pick up games) and not every girl working even in a bar which does play such games is easy. You might very well be worrying over the wrong things alltogether.

You being lied to for 3 years, with her pretending to get an education is truly shocking.

Seems like you two have no relationship -

maybe she needs to hit rock bottom?

maybe it is time to stop supporting her wasting her precious life time on making a bit more than what you provide. All this so she can have the lastest Nokia N96 phone or a 40 GB I-Pod or the like? Sad, very sad.

Money won't help - and she won't even listen to anything you say. I recall being her age, how self centered and bloody arrogant I was! Likely, she thinks she knows it all...

Her mother has been an insider all those years?

I would shun them both!!!

I agree mate, the money has stopped and I'am leaving the door open as to her future. BTW I only gave her about 3-4000 a month.

[typhoon]

I only found out when I turned up unanounced, she lives with my ex. she is 18 years old and I was led to to think for the last 3 years I had been paying for her private education it seems not.

It came as shock to me, the fact that she has lied for the last three years hurt.

I'am in the UK the moment not back till feb, what should I do????

1. let her get on with her life?

2,Take her to live with me?

3.Talk her out of it?

4.Accept things as they are?

Her mother is no help what soever.

Has this happend to any other members daughters?

Just not sure the right way to proceed at the moment.

comments????

Regards, typoon.

may i ask why you were not in thailand and making the dedication to raise your daughter ?...take her abroad and send her to school...and take the initiative to tutor her in english so she passes the IELTS/TOEFL exam, or get her a female english teacher....male english teachers here can be trusted like a lamb with a lion.

you contributed to the mess, by not being responsible enough to be by her side...now you fix it.

I work at sea and spend 4 months a year in Thailand, its been like this for years. not responsible??

[typhoon]

At the end of the day she is 18, not lot you can do about it. Offer her a choice, but dare say prob a bit too late now.

She in Bangkok or ????

I will never allow my daughters to go to Pattaya, ever for any reason.

Pattaya??? wrong direction.

[samuibeachcomber]

is it your ex that has really been the problem having had more time than you to be of more influence.

the trouble,as others have said,is that the bar scene can appear to be more fun,easier money and more money sometimes than someone working in a bank etc.until thailand raises the average wage the bar scene seems a better deal for some.If it was me i'd have to go and check everything out for myself,you may never know the truth as thais hate to tell the truth particularly if they have to own up to something they know you will not like to hear,but your gut feeling will tell you the truth.

re the money you have been sending.i dont want to offend but 3-4000 baht per month does n't sound very much per month,would n't pay for any education after school years are over.

you can only sit her down and have a father/daughter chat and here what she has to say.teenagers are a curse re-visited on their parents(remember how you were)i wish you luck,but do not make yourself feel guilty for this situation,guilt can destroy your own life too.

[Mali1964]

If it were me and I found my daughter working in a bar, I would bring her home with me and put her in school. If she refuses, leave that door open to her.

She's 18 not 12 she's a young adult so you can not tell her to do anything she does not want to.

[bangon04]

I can understand your concerns, I do feel however, if Mum is above the 'Bar' and owns it, I'd be very suprised if she'd allow her daughter to 'entertain' the punters.

Plus, as mentioned before, your daughter is over 18 years old and would be considered as being an adult, able to make up her own mind.

As you point out she is 18 and she can do what she wants. I will go and see her when I return to Thailand.

Actually - isn't 20 the age in Thailand for working / entering a bar?

[typhoon]

Thanks for all the replies, some very good ones. It seems she will do what she wants regardless of what I say, I will meet up with her next feb and try and get her to come and live with me in isaarn to carry on with her education.

Where she works/stays is a karaoka type drinking den thai punters mainly with the odd farang. I do care for my daughter and love her very much, I just don't want to see her go down the wrong road. My sons fine 23 years old in the thai army.

Amazing thailand, never a dull moment.

Regards. Typhoon.

[typhoon]

is it your ex that has really been the problem having had more time than you to be of more influence.

the trouble,as others have said,is that the bar scene can appear to be more fun,easier money and more money sometimes than someone working in a bank etc.until thailand raises the average wage the bar scene seems a better deal for some.If it was me i'd have to go and check everything out for myself,you may never know the truth as thais hate to tell the truth particularly if they have to own up to something they know you will not like to hear,but your gut feeling will tell you the truth.

re the money you have been sending.i dont want to offend but 3-4000 baht per month does n't sound very much per month,would n't pay for any education after school years are over.

you can only sit her down and have a father/daughter chat and here what she has to say.teenagers are a curse re-visited on their parents(remember how you were)i wish you luck,but do not make yourself feel guilty for this situation,guilt can destroy your own life too.

The 3-4000 baht a month was just spending money after all else had been paid for.

[sassienie]

I`m very sorry to hear of the OPs problem.

Much sadness and suffering in people`s lives.

I sincerely hope the OP can sort this out to a happy conclusion.

Best wishes to you and your family.