What Do I Do, I Need Advice

[ernest1966]

I am prettty fed up at the moment and close to leaving Thailand, my wife and daughter. I will tell you the situation, any advice would be most appreciated.

My daughter was born three weeks early, via csection, she's now 26 days old, since we have been back the family have not stopped interfering.

On the first day back one of her relatives came round and literally screamed at our baby to wake up, this is the same relative who said to us that they hope our baby is born like one of my wife's cousins daughter, this daughter is a special needs kid, cannot move, talk or feed herself. The relative thought it was funny. Again a few days later came round and was screaming at our baby. Since then I have refused to enter their house, they get the message, I am not inpolite to them, I will say hello, etc.

Another relative comes to our house every day at 8am. This is even if, we have all been up all night, the baby is now asleep but this relative insists on trying to wake the baby up, to no avail of course. But our sleep has been ruined and we cannot sleep in the day as we are looking after our baby.

Most of the visitors shout at the baby, poke her etc. They think it is "funny" and my wife says "it makes them happy" and yes the baby screams when she is awake when they do this.

A group of the families kids came in (6) from playing outside, without washing their hands or anything and they where all touching the baby. Again I could not say anything.

One of the children here is particularly obnoxious, a spoilt little kid who is being looked after by the grandparents, she comes in, screams at the top of her lungs, looks anywhere she wants (opens fridge/drawers etc), runs around like a bull in a china shop. Again I cannot say anything because the Grandather allows my wife's dad to use his back yard.

I have no privacy as well, I am not talking about this is an "open" house literally but even when I am typing on the PC I have someone reading over my shoulder (not the wife) and when they get told this is private they just smirk at me and laugh.

One of the relatives told my wife the reason our baby woke up and screamed was because my wife had eaten something bad and the baby was sick (unlikely to pass food poisoning to a baby unless via hand or if the food poisoning reaches the blood stream), then said it was because the wife had visitied a relatives house with the baby and her sole had stayed at the relatives house and had to be "called back" (it was actually because the stub of the umbilical cord was finally coming off and causing her pain)

There are many more things that I can write down but it's just more of the same.

I can't discuss these matter in any way with the wife, it's a no go area. However the relatives or friends act it is "up to them", my wife is terrified that I upset one of the family/friends and that any future/potential help from them will be withdrawn.

Yes I know I am in a different country, different culture and society but if I acted the same way to them I would be told to f*** off.

What do I do?

I've been told if I do leave then it is "up to me", there is no discussion and that the babies surname will be changed back to the family name.

All I want to do is talk about it, but I can't.

E

[Beacher]

IMO, that's a very difficult situation you've described, and I can understand your frustration with it. Obviously, not being able to even discuss the subject with your wife and relatives is getting to you.

I wouldn't try to advise you on how to break the communication barrier, but only say that perhaps you might be better off to stay out of the house as much as possible and let the wife and relatives do their thing until the novelty of the new child wears off a little. I suspect that over some time, the amount of unwanted attention will die down, and thing will settle into some state of normality that you can handle better.

[think_too_mut]

I've been told if I do leave then it is "up to me", there is no discussion and that the babies surname will be changed back to the family name.

I did not intend to reply but just 1 minute ago I (tried to) spoke to my wife that is visiting her hometown today and tomorrow before returning to Japan.

Hells bells, the house is like full of chicken! Rural Thais are loud but today it just made it impossible to talk. I asked her to walk out - she did - same thing, another lot sitting and screaming in front of the house. It has always been like that but after 7 months it is more unpleasant when re- introduced.

The easiness with which you were told "up to you" if you were to leave just made me think your strict attitude is not doing you a favor. They have always been the way you see them today, it's probably just you who came in to dislike it.

My neighbor upcountry, a quiet man in his low 50s had same dislikes (most westerners would, me included) while he was living in his wife's house. Then they built their own next to it and he just retreats into there when he had had enough and nobody would come to disturb him. He watches European TV all night and sleeps until midday. Obviously, he has enough peace to do that in the place that all wakes up with chicken, before 5am.

[barky]

Ernest, On the one hand I feel so sorry for you. How can you bear it? It must be so tiring, annoying even heartbreaking to see the way they treat your child. However, on the other hand, I find it difficult to believe that you did not know what kind of family you were marrying into. I mean really, you had no idea that your wife's family were dumb-ass country bumpkins with with (it seems) zero manners and consideration for others. I don't believe it.

That being said, I am not sure what you can do. If you leave you are effectivly abandoning your child to this life style. If you stay, you'll be depressed daily. Or, you could take an enormous stand and barr them all. Or, you could simply give in and go native and comply. You could even consider "disappearing" with your daughter. Really I don't know what will be best for you and more importantly the child. It unfortunately looks like a lose-lose situation to me.

What ever the outcome best of luck.

Edited March 26, 2009 by barky

[ernest1966]

I think Beacher has had the best reply so far.

It's the novelty factor. Unfortunately they seem to treat newborns and puppies the same way. Cute, gorgeous for the first few months then treat them like they don't exist.

Of the relatives in this soi, 4 of the grandparents (not THAT old, 40's) are looking after the grandkids. One of the wifes cousins lets their 3 year old run around unsupervised, nearly got killed a couple of days ago by a car.

Basically I reckon I have to put up with it for a couple of months.

barky, I can see the inherant sarcasm in your post. Yes, another stupid farang, who is whinging about Thai's. I neither whinged not used excessive emotive language, I tried to put my point accross as rationally as possible, meeting the family for a couple of times does not necessarily give me a fair and accurate idea of how "obnoxious" (your words) they are. So, this means I deserve all I get ?

E

[samuibeachcomber]

your extended family and surrounding neighbours sound a mongrel lot to me,beachers reply was good,hang in there and see if it all dies down,although i'd not be very happy with their response to your concerns when telling you to moveon/move out,shows they dont really care about your feelings to me.

[JacknDanny]

I am prettty fed up at the moment and close to leaving Thailand, my wife and daughter. I will tell you the situation, any advice would be most appreciated.

My daughter was born three weeks early, via csection, she's now 26 days old, since we have been back the family have not stopped interfering.

On the first day back one of her relatives came round and literally screamed at our baby to wake up, this is the same relative who said to us that they hope our baby is born like one of my wife's cousins daughter, this daughter is a special needs kid, cannot move, talk or feed herself. The relative thought it was funny. Again a few days later came round and was screaming at our baby. Since then I have refused to enter their house, they get the message, I am not inpolite to them, I will say hello, etc.

Another relative comes to our house every day at 8am. This is even if, we have all been up all night, the baby is now asleep but this relative insists on trying to wake the baby up, to no avail of course. But our sleep has been ruined and we cannot sleep in the day as we are looking after our baby.

Most of the visitors shout at the baby, poke her etc. They think it is "funny" and my wife says "it makes them happy" and yes the baby screams when she is awake when they do this.

A group of the families kids came in (6) from playing outside, without washing their hands or anything and they where all touching the baby. Again I could not say anything.

One of the children here is particularly obnoxious, a spoilt little kid who is being looked after by the grandparents, she comes in, screams at the top of her lungs, looks anywhere she wants (opens fridge/drawers etc), runs around like a bull in a china shop. Again I cannot say anything because the Grandather allows my wife's dad to use his back yard.

I have no privacy as well, I am not talking about this is an "open" house literally but even when I am typing on the PC I have someone reading over my shoulder (not the wife) and when they get told this is private they just smirk at me and laugh.

One of the relatives told my wife the reason our baby woke up and screamed was because my wife had eaten something bad and the baby was sick (unlikely to pass food poisoning to a baby unless via hand or if the food poisoning reaches the blood stream), then said it was because the wife had visitied a relatives house with the baby and her sole had stayed at the relatives house and had to be "called back" (it was actually because the stub of the umbilical cord was finally coming off and causing her pain)

There are many more things that I can write down but it's just more of the same.

I can't discuss these matter in any way with the wife, it's a no go area. However the relatives or friends act it is "up to them", my wife is terrified that I upset one of the family/friends and that any future/potential help from them will be withdrawn.

Yes I know I am in a different country, different culture and society but if I acted the same way to them I would be told to f*** off.

What do I do?

I've been told if I do leave then it is "up to me", there is no discussion and that the babies surname will be changed back to the family name.

All I want to do is talk about it, but I can't.

E

The last couple of sentences would worry me

Personally I would put my foot down hard.

NO VISITORS, whilst the baby is sleeping.

By now, baby will have a sort of sleep pattern. Tell the ignorant relatives that they can enter your house between the hours of xxxx and xxxxx, when the baby is awake. You have to be the master of your own house. Do not relent, otherwise it will frustrate you even more.

Personally if it was me, the priority is your child. I couldnt give 2 hooks what the relatives think of me. But I would definately not let them in, disturbing my baby whilst it slept.

[dotcom]

I would create a no-fly zone around my house.

They can punch & poke the baby - only when Mom takes it outside to meet them. That's why God invented mobile phones.

Tell the family you have some horrible infectious disease & doctors orders - no visitors - PERIOD.

[edwinclapham]

I am prettty fed up at the moment and close to leaving Thailand, my wife and daughter. I will tell you the situation, any advice would be most appreciated.

My daughter was born three weeks early, via csection, she's now 26 days old, since we have been back the family have not stopped interfering.

On the first day back one of her relatives came round and literally screamed at our baby to wake up, this is the same relative who said to us that they hope our baby is born like one of my wife's cousins daughter, this daughter is a special needs kid, cannot move, talk or feed herself. The relative thought it was funny. Again a few days later came round and was screaming at our baby. Since then I have refused to enter their house, they get the message, I am not inpolite to them, I will say hello, etc.

Another relative comes to our house every day at 8am. This is even if, we have all been up all night, the baby is now asleep but this relative insists on trying to wake the baby up, to no avail of course. But our sleep has been ruined and we cannot sleep in the day as we are looking after our baby.

Most of the visitors shout at the baby, poke her etc. They think it is "funny" and my wife says "it makes them happy" and yes the baby screams when she is awake when they do this.

A group of the families kids came in (6) from playing outside, without washing their hands or anything and they where all touching the baby. Again I could not say anything.

One of the children here is particularly obnoxious, a spoilt little kid who is being looked after by the grandparents, she comes in, screams at the top of her lungs, looks anywhere she wants (opens fridge/drawers etc), runs around like a bull in a china shop. Again I cannot say anything because the Grandather allows my wife's dad to use his back yard.

I have no privacy as well, I am not talking about this is an "open" house literally but even when I am typing on the PC I have someone reading over my shoulder (not the wife) and when they get told this is private they just smirk at me and laugh.

One of the relatives told my wife the reason our baby woke up and screamed was because my wife had eaten something bad and the baby was sick (unlikely to pass food poisoning to a baby unless via hand or if the food poisoning reaches the blood stream), then said it was because the wife had visitied a relatives house with the baby and her sole had stayed at the relatives house and had to be "called back" (it was actually because the stub of the umbilical cord was finally coming off and causing her pain)

There are many more things that I can write down but it's just more of the same.

I can't discuss these matter in any way with the wife, it's a no go area. However the relatives or friends act it is "up to them", my wife is terrified that I upset one of the family/friends and that any future/potential help from them will be withdrawn.

Yes I know I am in a different country, different culture and society but if I acted the same way to them I would be told to f*** off.

What do I do?

I've been told if I do leave then it is "up to me", there is no discussion and that the babies surname will be changed back to the family name.

All I want to do is talk about it, but I can't.

E

Ernest, as one poster put it correctly I wouldnt put up with it, this is also your child that you are supporting. The umbilical cord will not be causing pain at all, it has no nerve endings, but at 26 days old your child probably is happy sleeping and objects as you would do to being disturbed!.

Maybe you could discourage your wife from eating too many spices and chillies, this is transferrable through the breast milk to the child, causing the child discomfort and pain. I hope you have registered your baby with your embassy, this is always good for any event that might happen. I personally would give a visting time for friends and family and work your routine around that, this is your home as well and if people are not respecting your rules then consider moving away if possible. It sounds a nightmare situation but remember you are the bread winner and the father of this child. Good Luck mate

[neverdie]

ernest,

I feel for you at the moment.

I'm not sure what the answers are to all these problems with the family at the moment but I would advice against doing anything too 'rash' as often initially during these times (family changes, births, deaths, marriages) things can get a little hectic. This would most definately apply with your wife & some of the reactions she is giving you at the present time.

Whilst you may be the 'head' of your family, it may pay to also remember not everyone is going to agree with your methods like you wont agree with theirs.

Having said that, it is also very important that you & more importantly get a little 'down' time each day, maybe you should wait a couple of days when things are less hectic and when you and the wife are alone, broach this subject again.

Good luck and congradulations on the new baby, hope all is well with you and ur family.

[nonthaburial]

After having a C section only 26 days ago, youir wife is not feeling on top of the world neither I would think. on top of that Asian mothers with new borns rely on family and friends to give her the support that she needs. The fact that you being a foreigner is not accepting the family "assistance" is driving you mental, but appears your wife accepts it.

Hard I know but my suggestion is to ignore it, or take a break away for a week

[barky]

I think Beacher has had the best reply so far.

It's the novelty factor. Unfortunately they seem to treat newborns and puppies the same way. Cute, gorgeous for the first few months then treat them like they don't exist.

Of the relatives in this soi, 4 of the grandparents (not THAT old, 40's) are looking after the grandkids. One of the wifes cousins lets their 3 year old run around unsupervised, nearly got killed a couple of days ago by a car.

Basically I reckon I have to put up with it for a couple of months.

barky, I can see the inherant sarcasm in your post. Yes, another stupid farang, who is whinging about Thai's. I neither whinged not used excessive emotive language, I tried to put my point accross as rationally as possible, meeting the family for a couple of times does not necessarily give me a fair and accurate idea of how "obnoxious" (your words) they are. So, this means I deserve all I get ?

E

Ernest, Understandably you are feeling a little touchy right now. If you read my reply a little more closely I think you would find that I took a balanced approach that was in fact weighted in your favour. I gave you my honest views in brief. I'm sure you would agree that your problem requires far more detail and time to mull over all the possibilities.

The perceived sarcasm was not intended. I think I just pointed out the bleeding obvious about knowing in advance what you were buying into. And that wasn't meant to sound condescending nor patronising either.

I reiterate, the child's welfare needs to be the focus of your decission.

[Orac]

Hi Ernest,

I fully understand your situation as I am going through something very similar myself, just a couple of weeks behind you. Since my wife came out of hospital just over a week ago with our baby daughter her sister has moved in to look after her and the baby and her mother to take care of 'rituals' - I hardly get a look in. My wife is now living and sleeping in the kitchen as her mother has her sleeping on a wooden bed with hot coals under it. Fortunately all the local villagers go straight into the kitchen so I at least am not being constantly bothered. It is certainly not what I expected and I thought I would get to play a bigger role however my wife keeps insisting it is only for a few days and this is the thai way.

The plus side here is that my sister in law is doing an excellent job of looking after our baby and helping my wife recover from a difficult birth. I keep myself sane by realising that everyone has the interests of our child at heart and her sister has brought up her own children very well so has far more experience than me. I did have to grit my teeth last night though when I went in the kitchen to find some old bloke chanting and spitting water over my wife and the baby with her mother sitting there smiling - I just left them to it on the basis that they have done this for many years without any suffering and strangely enough the baby wasn't crying.

I am sure that if this goes on for a few more weeks I will get more wound up but, as the baby is being well cared for without too much involvement from me, I can at least take a couple of days out to wind down if needs be.

I know from experience that all the little things gradually build up and get to you but I just keep reminding myself that I have a wonderful baby girl and all the current issues are temporary and not doing any real harm.

I hope you are able to solve/tolerate your problems there and it is important that you keep reminding yourself that everyone will go away eventually and you still will have a wonderful daughter - don't let the pressure force you to do something you will regret in the future.

All the best

Orac

[Sheryl]

Novelty is surely a facotr and it will decrease as time passes. Decrease, but not totally stop, and while things may get a bit more liveable there will be other issues down the road regarding the raising of thsi child.

If it is at all possible I think the best solution would be to move a bit further away. Doesn't have to be so far that your wife can't see her family regulalry, but far enough that you don't have all these people just popping in daily.

Find so pretext for this so as to get your wife on board and involve her in selection of the new place. Do not say that it is in order to put some distance between yourselves and her family, that will antagonize her. Maybe just say that with a baby in the family you think more space/a nicer house/whatever is in order...

I can't begin to count how many farang-thai marriages I know of that were saved by a simple move. Whereas I could count the ones that succeeded while living in immediate proximity to the extended family on the fingers of one hand.

Bear in mind that even if your wife does not like some of what her family is doing, culturally she cannot say so, especailly to elders. It is better to find a physical solution than to create a situation where she feels stuck in the middle between husband and family.

As your nerves sound (understandably) frayed, might do well to take a brief trip -- alone -- somewhere to catch up on your sleep before initiating discussion of a move.

Good luck

[ernest1966]

barky, i am most sorry if i read your post the wrong way, but it did come accross (to me) heavily sarcastic, as that wasn't the intention please forgive me.

i have read all your replies and appreciate your input.

the most frustrating thing is the lack of discourse, i have come up against this time and time again. there seems to be no middle ground. i cannot see how a society like this functions to any degree.

yes i can accept the help, i don't understand it , but i can accept it.

its little things like if i say to people who want to touch our baby, sure, but wash your hands. it's either they will touch her anyway or they get the hump as if i've done some mortal insult

the worst one was when the baby was 2 days old, while still in hospital, i told a extended family member to turn the flash off her camera after taking 3 photo's of the baby with flash, less than 2 foot away from her face, she promptly got her kids together (who had been pushing the trolly on which the baby's cot was on, so she could squeeze in, while the other kid had been uncovering her face so the mum could get better photos) and her hubby and left.

come on, i am not talking about unreasonable requests, i am not mega strict and control freak or a loon, all i want is just a bit of common sense.

[JacknDanny]

barky, i am most sorry if i read your post the wrong way, but it did come accross (to me) heavily sarcastic, as that wasn't the intention please forgive me.

i have read all your replies and appreciate your input.

the most frustrating thing is the lack of discourse, i have come up against this time and time again. there seems to be no middle ground. i cannot see how a society like this functions to any degree.

yes i can accept the help, i don't understand it , but i can accept it.

its little things like if i say to people who want to touch our baby, sure, but wash your hands. it's either they will touch her anyway or they get the hump as if i've done some mortal insult

the worst one was when the baby was 2 days old, while still in hospital, i told a extended family member to turn the flash off her camera after taking 3 photo's of the baby with flash, less than 2 foot away from her face, she promptly got her kids together (who had been pushing the trolly on which the baby's cot was on, so she could squeeze in, while the other kid had been uncovering her face so the mum could get better photos) and her hubby and left.

come on, i am not talking about unreasonable requests, i am not mega strict and control freak or a loon, all i want is just a bit of common sense.

Sorry, but these things happen, because YOU allow them to happen.

If you do not put your foot down, now, you will regret it.

[BigSnake]

WOW!! dude you are kinda UP the creek without a paddle so to speak, with no support from the wife which is NORMAL in this situation, the will side with family, I know, as I know many will concur you have a big problem on hand, may I suggest hang in there to the sake of your daughter. You say she is about 26 days old, so my guess(base on 16 Years plus in the Kingdom) this crazy extended family of your wife will get bore and out in about six weeks or so(about two or three more weeks) in the mean time if you have the mean take your daughter, wife and a relative on short trips for a bit of window shopping or maybe just an afternoon visit with some farangs friends in the area, see how some real Thai people treat their young one. Good Luck. Give an update in ten days or so, my GUESS is things will be better.

[PattayaParent]

Wouldn't locking the doors stop all those people wandering in?

[barky]

barky, i am most sorry if i read your post the wrong way, but it did come accross (to me) heavily sarcastic, as that wasn't the intention please forgive me.

i have read all your replies and appreciate your input.

the most frustrating thing is the lack of discourse, i have come up against this time and time again. there seems to be no middle ground. i cannot see how a society like this functions to any degree.

yes i can accept the help, i don't understand it , but i can accept it.

its little things like if i say to people who want to touch our baby, sure, but wash your hands. it's either they will touch her anyway or they get the hump as if i've done some mortal insult

the worst one was when the baby was 2 days old, while still in hospital, i told a extended family member to turn the flash off her camera after taking 3 photo's of the baby with flash, less than 2 foot away from her face, she promptly got her kids together (who had been pushing the trolly on which the baby's cot was on, so she could squeeze in, while the other kid had been uncovering her face so the mum could get better photos) and her hubby and left.

come on, i am not talking about unreasonable requests, i am not mega strict and control freak or a loon, all i want is just a bit of common sense.

To be honest, I think I'd feel much the same as you about the situation. I sincerely hope that in time the problem the will subside and the hangers on will P*** off so you can get on with your life in peace.

[Sheryl]

its little things like if i say to people who want to touch our baby, sure, but wash your hands. it's either they will touch her anyway or they get the hump as if i've done some mortal insult

the worst one was when the baby was 2 days old, while still in hospital, i told a extended family member to turn the flash off her camera after taking 3 photo's of the baby with flash, less than 2 foot away from her face, she promptly got her kids together (who had been pushing the trolly on which the baby's cot was on, so she could squeeze in, while the other kid had been uncovering her face so the mum could get better photos) and her hubby and left.

come on, i am not talking about unreasonable requests, i am not mega strict and control freak or a loon, all i want is just a bit of common sense.

From the sounds of it you are dealing with people who simply do not have the education to understand why these things matter. They are not going to change in that respect.

But you are of course absolutely right in trying to protect your infant from unsanitary contacts, overstimulation etc.

All I can suggest is to re-iterate the advice to move. Not only will it cut down on the frequency of these invasions, it will be easier to assert yourself once on home turf that is clearly outside the extended family plot. If possible get an apartment type situation where they have to pass a guard or resecptionist, they'll feel out of place and a trifle intimated which will be to your advantage. Even uif you can't arrange that, being in a different village would be an improvement,. they regard this village as their home court and you are the outsider, making it very hard to assert anything.

[loong]

Can you speak any Thai?

If you can, gently as possible, remove these people from your premises and tell them that the baby has to sleep now.

Being forcefull without being aggressive is not easy, but it can be done. Tell them this is your home, your baby and you make the rules.

[patklang]

Tell the family that the baby has been taken over by the devil and has to sleep or the devil will come and kill all the family.They probably believe that more than anything.next,never live near the family ever ever ever.

[think_too_mut]

Can you speak any Thai?

If you can, gently as possible, remove these people from your premises and tell them that the baby has to sleep now.

Being forcefull without being aggressive is not easy, but it can be done. Tell them this is your home, your baby and you make the rules.

I don't think it would help.

Why would it?

And what is different now from how those people are rearing their own kids or had been raised themselves?

Other than protecting my baby from bugs and mosquitoes, I have never had any problem how Thais look after and what they do with a baby.

There is hardly a place on the planet where people are more well intending when it comes to children.

A very healthy nation, as Thais are, has it roots in how their children are treated.

Not washing hands before touching the baby? Wash off what? Sanitation?

IMO, the OP is overreacting.

That leaves the OP with his perceptions. Quite a different situation.

To add, back in 1992. on my flight from NZ to Sydney, there was a baby crying it's head off.

As soon as an Asian woman took the baby (from drunk tatooed parents) the baby was happy. A brief chat with the lady revealed - she was a Thai. Back then, I hardly knew where Thailand is.

[loong]

Can you speak any Thai?

If you can, gently as possible, remove these people from your premises and tell them that the baby has to sleep now.

Being forcefull without being aggressive is not easy, but it can be done. Tell them this is your home, your baby and you make the rules.

I don't think it would help.

Why would it?

And what is different now from how those people are rearing their own kids or had been raised themselves?

Other than protecting my baby from bugs and mosquitoes, I have never had any problem how Thais look after and what they do with a baby.

There is hardly a place on the planet where people are more well intending when it comes to children.

A very healthy nation, as Thais are, has it roots in how their children are treated.

Not washing hands before touching the baby? Wash off what? Sanitation?

IMO, the OP is overreacting.

That leaves the OP with his perceptions. Quite a different situation.

To add, back in 1992. on my flight from NZ to Sydney, there was a baby crying it's head off.

As soon as an Asian woman took the baby (from drunk tatooed parents) the baby was happy. A brief chat with the lady revealed - she was a Thai. Back then, I hardly knew where Thailand is.

It's funny how people's perceptions are different. From what I have seen, most Thais are the worst parents or as is often the case carers ever.

Don't have the time now, so maybe will come back later

[think_too_mut]

It's funny how people's perceptions are different. From what I have seen, most Thais are the worst parents or as is often the case carers ever.

At least, one of them (ex-child) has made you settle in Thailand. Hate her or not, the children are well looked after in Thai.

How many places in the world you can see kids roaming around, safe, playing and doing what kids do?

When upcountry, I don't even know or care where my child is. Because it is safe and wherever she is, somebody is in charge. Some nights she would sleep in some other house with her friends. Next day, the kids come to sleep in our house.

[loong]

When upcountry, I don't even know or care where my child is.

Sorry I'm still busy at the mo, but this statement proves my point.

So many parents don't know or care where their children are.

Will be back later

[think_too_mut]

When upcountry, I don't even know or care where my child is.

Sorry I'm still busy at the mo, but this statement proves my point.

So many parents don't know or care where their children are.

Will be back later

Don't bother, we are quite OK without you.

[ernest1966]

Please not another hijacked thread. Stick to the subject.

Yes, it may be objective. But at the end of the day the family+friends in my opinion are not acting in the babies best interests.

I do not want to come accross as anti Thai or making fun of anyone because they left school at 12 or anything similar, but simple hygene like washing your hands WITH soap , not just water after going to the toilet...

I sadly disagree with previous posts that think Thai's aren the best parents, that is a generalisation. All I can speak of is what I see here. All children in my extended family have been abandoned to their aunts, grandparents except for two children who both live with their mum. She leaves them unsupervised, The little girl of 3 is hit whenever she cries, she doesn't speak at all to anyone and nearly got killed a couple of weeks ago by a car. The boy is old enough to look after himself of 9.

Also I would not feel safe letting my child go unsupervised in thailand, north or not. The roads are dangerous, there are dangerous animals and every day on the news you hear about pedophiles attacking young kids.

E

Edited March 27, 2009 by ernest1966

[bina]

first off:

a large majority of country thai kids are not 'abandoned' to grandparents/aunties, they are being taken care of by them while parent/parents are out of country/out of town working. it is the old model of childrearing. its been discussed to death.

second: washing hands is recommended but actually if they arent sticking their hands in the baby's mouth, the bacterias shouldnt bother the baby.

third: the baby will and should be exposed to these bacterias anyways as she gets older she will get exposed to them and resistance starts young and most people dont have deadly contagious diseases. that doesnt mean take them to a hospital to visit, where high concentrations of bacterias are, but daily exposure to the same ones just helps the baby in the future.

babies are more resilient then their parents. the novelty will wear off, the baby will get in to sleep patterns that the MOTHER wants, and u can also train the relatives by actually asking them to take care of baby , then u should leave, come back and thank relative, and take baby. it will keep u calmer. often, what u dont see, wont bother you. no harm will come to the baby for the most part ,, its just differences that drive you mad.

fourth: pick your fights. things that are very seriously damaging to a child should make you put your foot down. other things, let slide. things like car seats, tossing in air, leaving unattended in a high up changing place vs. being on the hands all the time, being handled, being fed by various aunties, etc.

someone else will soon give birth and leave your baby alone. and u may appreciate all the aunties/cousins when u need a hand later in the child's life.

bina

israel

[snuggzzz]

I think 'Israel' came up with a few very valid points. I am married to a Thai lady, her family are likewise extended, the thai culture with adults and children are to welcome the newborn child and be seen to be doing so, in order to show that your child is welcome into the family. It will blow over, within a few weeks the novelty will wear off as your wife probably knows.

She is stuck in the middle between your views as her partner and that of her family, still recovering from her section, plus feeding she is must be worn down.

It would probably do you good to get away for a day or two, the family and your wife are best left to get on with it for the time being; in due course you can talk with your wife about your views and reach a satisfactory conclusion in the best interests for you both, as parents and as a new family.

I wish you every success and likewise congratulations.