Worst Joke Ever

[White Christmas13]

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

[laislica]

Studies show that couples who incorporate foods like caramel sauce and chocolate syrup into their lovemaking

tend to stick together.

[laislica]

I love Chinese food as much as the rest of you,

but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice......

[ozsamurai]

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers, when suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks who were in the line ahead of you first. I'm sure we will be able to work something out."

The irate passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention, please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "<deleted> YOU!"

Without flinching the agent smiled and said, "Sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[White Christmas13]

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

[White Christmas13]

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[AhFarangJa]

[White Christmas13]

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

The reporter approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

[White Christmas13]

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

[MJCM]

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Or this version

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

Not to be outdone in the weeks that followed, Chinese scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the Chinese papers read: "Chinese scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Japanese."

One week later, the Australian newspapers reported thefollowing: "After digging as deep as 800 meters, Australian scientists have found absolutely nothing."

They have concluded that 3000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.

[MrMuddle]

A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great."
" Hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that."
The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese."
"I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that."
In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel."
"Oh, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?"
The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth"

[Ron19]

ETERNAL LIFE.
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after Labor balances the budget and eliminates the debt."
"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

[MJCM]

Old one but good one

THE DAY P.NIS ASKED FOR A RAISE

I, the P.Nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Sincerely,
P. Nis

The Response


Dear P.Nis

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
YOU DO NOT STAY IN YOUR DESIGNATED AREA AND ARE OFTEN SEEN VISITING OTHER LOCATIONS.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.


Sincerely,
V. Gina

[White Christmas13]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people." God continued,pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting below them!."

[White Christmas13]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are Injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

[White Christmas13]

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished Englishman with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

"If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and $2,000,000 bank account."

"If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll have sex with her again!"

[Thaiwine]

# A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
# What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
# A backward poet writes inverse.
# With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
# The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
# He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
# Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
# When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
# Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
# Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
# Acupuncture is a jab well done.
# Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[White Christmas13]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[White Christmas13]

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

..and so on and so on ...and then the Greek says: "We invented sex."

The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women...

[MJCM]

Highlight of cultural integration

An American guy having Greek sex with a Mexican woman behind a French Curtain in a Canadian Restaurant

Edited June 12, 2016 by MJCM

[Ron19]

A Good Hunting Dog

Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any

ducks out in the pond.

If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".

So he sends the dog out to the pond.

The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out

there".

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.

When he gets back

he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out

there!

Where did you get that dog?"

Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you

want one, you can get one from him".

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his

friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out

and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its

mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg..

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog

is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did.

So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it

came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started

humping his leg.

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you

there are more f*&%$#g ducks out there than you can shake a stick

at".

[White Christmas13]

A retired man sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, "Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

The husband gives it a moment’s thought and says, "Sure, why not? Show me to the vacuum.”

Half an hour later, the man comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

His wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum working. I thought you were using it."

Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken; it won't start. We need to buy a new one."

"Really," she says. "Show me. It worked fine the last time."

So he did click below

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4

[Rob13]

[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised".

[White Christmas13]

A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Canadian fold eat the whole bread?"

Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course".

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Canadian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam to Canada.

The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course".

Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."

[Crossy]

A retired man sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, "Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

The husband gives it a moment’s thought and says, "Sure, why not? Show me to the vacuum.”

Half an hour later, the man comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

His wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum working. I thought you were using it."

Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken; it won't start. We need to buy a new one."

"Really," she says. "Show me. It worked fine the last time."

So he did click below

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4

My keyboard is full of Beer Chang, I am going to sue ...

[White Christmas13]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death they are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We'ees in the desert, don't forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees eet?"

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... ees a Ham Bush!"