Woman lost in New Zealand wilderness survives by drinking her own breast milk.

Your turn, Bear Grylls.

How you know you're flying over Africa.

The concept of FACE

A young red Indian was asking his father how they got their tribal names.

" Our children are named after the first thing the father sees on the day of their birth," replies the father "For example, your older brother was named Running Wolf, your sister was named Gentle Deer and your younger brother was named Mighty Lightning. Why do you ask Scruffy Dog With A Boner Taking A Steaming Great Shit?"

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador

Sorry, that made me smile, too good for the worst joke thread;)

Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?

A: Bubble Gum.

Teacher asked the question

"If you have an empty box 1 metre x 1 metre x 1 metre, how many small boxes of 1 cubic centimetre can you put in it.

All the children scribbled furiously trying to work out the answer except for Johnny who just sat with his hands behind his head, relaxed.

Teacher looked at his smug smile and said "Ok Johnny, you seem confident that you have the correct answer - what is it?"

Johnny said "The answer is 1, once you have put 1 in the box, it is no longer empty."

Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighbou​​rhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front garden, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the centre

The local police, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $49.50 a month!

I've just been sacked from my job at the laxative factory.
couldn't give a shit.

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean.

The BBC are to broadcast a documentary about the average family in Bradford.
'101 Damn Asians' airs on Monday at 9pm.

I bought a DVD called "Bald and barely legal" unfortunately it's a DVLA documentary about minimum Tyre tread depths!!.. (Gutted)

In humans, the right testicle is three times the size of the left one.
At least I <deleted>´ing hope so.

Teacher - Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?
Little Jimmy - Yes Miss, Trudy Glen
Teacher - No Jimmy, the most popular answer would be Maid Marion!
Little Jimmy - But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen!!......

A scouser goes into a library and asks,
"Have you got any books about power sharing? "
"Yes, we have 'the excellent 'The way of the little party' an excellent book on the subject, " replied the librarian.
"No, " said the scouser, "I want to nick my neighbours electric. "

So, It's alright for girls to stick their lips in shot glasses to make them bigger,

but I stick my knob in a Hoover for the same reason, and B&Q had me arrested.

My Doctor found a small lump on my testicles today
I Said, "That's my Cock you cheeky <deleted>!!"

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."

Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

So............ A guy came out of his local pub . Across the road was a brothel . He looked in his wallet and had enough money so he crossed the road .
Being rather intoxicated, he staggered diagonally across and went through the wrong door, and into the Chiropody clinic next door .
He went to the girl in reception and said how much is it for the full treatment ?
She replied sir it is 25 pounds .
He said 25 Quid ? Blimey that's not bad !
She smiled at him and said OK sir if you go in and take them out She'll be in in a moment to deal with you .
Two minutes later a young female chiropodist walked into the room and there was the guy with his genitlia on the table waiting .
Hey ! she yelled !
That isn't a FOOT .
He looked at her and said Bloody Hell Lass GIVE IT TIME !

My wife rang me at work. She said, "Two packages arrived today.

The first was your Playstation 4 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered.

I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."
I said, "You'll be ####ing lucky... I only ordered one controller."

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships.

But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was a major problem.
The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid,

with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others..

Answer :
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round dimples, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey.

But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls quickly rusted to it.

The solution to the rusting problem was to make the plates of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts more, and more rapidly than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far,

the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

And all this time, you thought that it was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?

Two Nuns were sat in the bath.

Nun # 1 says: "Where's the soap?"

Nun # 2 says: "Yes, it does"

What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.