Soon after Murphy arrived with a couple of chickens

"Any o youse wanna join me in some Hen Gliding?"

Soon after Murphy arrived with a couple of chickens

"Any o youse wanna join me in some Hen Gliding?"

Man that was almost painfull

There was this Asian guy who needed a job.
So he applied to Office Max.
It turns out that he was utterly incompetent.
Exasperated, the manager throws up his arms and says,
"Just go work with supplies."
The Asian guy thinks for a minute and says ok.
The next day, the manager is strolling into the store,
the Asian guy jumps from behind the counter and yells "Supplies! Supplies!"

Two sodium atoms are walking down the street.
Suddenly, one turns to the other and says, 'Oh, ****, I think I lost an electron!'
The second one says 'Are you sure?'
'Yes, I'm positive!'

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks, "What's this about?"

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night.

If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour.

You wanna do it?"

The guy replies,

"Nah, the steaks are too high."

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

Everyone chuckles, and the vendor makes the dog.

The Buddhist hands him a twenty, the vendor pockets it & moves on to the next customer.

The Buddhist complains, "Hey where's my change."

And the Vendor replies, "Ah, change comes from within."

So the Buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says,

"Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?".

The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".

Did ya know diarrhoea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans!

Shakespeare walks into a bar. The barman shouts" Get out you're Bard"

I have loads of these and will post them unless you send me money

Sandwich walks into a bar, bartender says sorry we don't serve food in here.

I got an invite to a wedding that said "black tie only".

But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

(Beg nicely an I'll stop!)

(You had your chance)

What goes in long and hard and comes out soft and sticky?
-Chewing Gum!

Two guys are sitting at a nudist colony and one is reading a book on socialism.

The other guy says, "Oh, have you read Marx, too?"

The other guy replies, "yes but i think its from these wicker chairs"

They say if your palm is itching you'll get money,

if your toes are itching you'll get new shoes,

if your lips are itching you'll get a kiss.

So if your private parts are itching...

don't fool yourself...go take a cold shower!!!

NURSE

The first word you see after saying

" Hold my beer and watch this:!"

This woman in her early fifties kept trying to pull me in a nightclub.

She was pretty smart but drunk, kept asking me back to her place.

I mean 50 ain't bad for the figure she had.
So after the 6th refusal she made a call on her cell and when she hung up she said to me.

"OK loverboy, I just phoned home and you're in for a treat, how do you fancy some dirty mother and daughter sex?"

Well <deleted> me, I didn't care if she was 60, if her daughter looked half as good as her I'm in.

So I was dragging her to a taxi in seconds.

We got to her house and walked into the hallway. She put the landing light on.
By this time my cock was busting out of my jeans.

And then I heard her shout up the stairs " Mom? You still up?"

two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice:

"You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind.

Don't you go paying them what they ask.

You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel.

When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."

"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you.

You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men.

"And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

Two sodium atoms are walking down the street.

Suddenly, one turns to the other and says, 'Oh, ****, I think I lost an electron!'

The second one says 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I'm positive!'

There's only 10 people will get this joke; Those that know binary and those that don't.

My grandfather read that smoking was bad for you. So he gave up reading.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on
her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the
kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to
be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes
a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you
down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we
met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started
dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says
solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do,' she
replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside
him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20
years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out
today."

THE HINGE
Charlie was installing a new door
And found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go To WICKES DIY and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is £1450.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap.
It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled.
"Ma'am, do you want a screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,
"No, but I will for the Bath Tap!

Have we had this one already?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies

watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatoes"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, tomatoes" Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said "Could you stop making sandwiches - you're getting mayonnaise on me!"