WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, - 'When you die and go to Heaven... which
part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, - 'I think it's your hands.'

- 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, - 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together
in front of you and God just takes your hands first.

- 'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said - 'Sister, I think it's your feet.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. - 'Now
Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, - 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom
the other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God,
I'm coming'.
I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her. '

The Nun fainted...!!! .

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful bleeders.

All I said was,

'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

We're so skint at the moment that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys just to pay for Christmas this year.
If things get any worse, I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

Scam Warning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.................

.A Company has been contacting people via text & Email asking them to donate their clothes to the starving in Africa,

Don't fall for it, anyone who fits in your clothes aint <deleted> starving.

I can do science me!
Researchers for the Swansea Authority found over 200 dead crows near the M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

An Ornithological Behaviourist was called in to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."

That awkward moment

For the Scots amongst us......

Text Message Today 23:33
Listen Megan I ken a was a dick right but am sorry.

Ye dinnae have tae patch is for so long fs.

I didnae mean to send they pics tae yer pals eh.

It wasn't even ma willy in the pics. It was Davie's.

Ye Ken that's no even wit ma willy looks like.

And now a here you went n pulled Donkey and

he's telling every <deleted> that he's gonnae pump

yer fanny inty oblivion and a ken yer no really like

that but it's hurting me tae hear yev just went n moved n like that.

Donkey's a fuckin wank.

He mixes his gear wae talcum powder before he punts.

You took ma virginity and now yer takin me fir a fool.

Ma maw's even lit "wits happnin wae that Megan bird,

it's been ages" and am lit "a dunno maw, I actual dunno".

Av been sitting greeting ma eyes oot everytime that cheerleader

songs oan the radio cause that's the last song we shagged tae.

I cannae believe that wis the last time ever and now ur kickin

aboot wae donkey and telling <deleted> I fingered ma sister when a was wee.

I telt u that as a joke like. I feel like a joke like. I feel like a fuckin mug.

I miss the smell ae your hair and the feel of your bum and even the way

you smoke a snout and a Ano that sounds pure daft but a mean it's the wee Hingis eh.

Like the time you farted a shanner in ur sleep and tried to blame it oan wee patch the dug.

Honestly just gonny take me back and let me try and sort it like.

I love you more than a love ma maw and ur breakin ma heart honestly Megan xxxxxxxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKnwn9SEkdA

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years,

the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife

and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor,

she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep,

she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back,

she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

What do you mean? asked his wife.
Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened,

but by the grace of god, some Vaseline

and two fingers.

I think I got most of them back in...............

A new neighbour moved in next door.

He said that the design of our houses look similar and asked how many rolls of wallpaper I bought for my front room.

I told him - 14!

He complained that he had 4 rolls left over.

I said - so did I!

It's the way I tell em boom boom ha he!

You're pretty close to winning the title with that one.

A Buddy of mine just phoned me -
all upset cos he'd slept with his third cousin.
I told him,
If it upsets you that much
quit countin them!

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a <deleted>
cold.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Too true?

Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a huge rottweiler,

luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs collar and twists it and breaks the dogs neck!
A man also in the park witnesses this and says to the kid "That was amazing! I'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, i would like to write an article about what just happened
He starts writing a headline "United fan saves friend from ...dog", the kid says "I'm not a United fan".
He starts again "City fan saves friend from dog". Kid says "I'm not a City fan".
The journalist asks "Who do you support then", the kid answers "Liverpool".
The journalists starts again

"Scouse bastard murders family pet in cold blood!"

“What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”

‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’

“Nid is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection (no balcony). Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’”

Oz

“What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”

‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’

“Nid is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection (no balcony). Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’”

Oz

These have driven me to drink. Nurse!!

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

Long PauseShare on Facebook

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”