Crossy Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on It that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David48 Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David48 Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance , say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box , and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidu Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Did you hear about the guy who got stuck in the machinery at the eyeglass factory? .....He really made a spectacle of himself. (told to me by my daughter when she was 5 years old) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidu Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 true story, I shit you not; Elvis was riding around Nashville with a friend. They heard on the radio that there was an "Elvis look-alike' contest at a local bar. Just for fun, Elvis thought to enter, but didn't tell anyone who he was. He came in 3rd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theblether Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Mum, I want to be a priest but I have two problems with it What are they son? One is I must go where the church sends me, maybe far away from you, I will miss you, Don't worry son, you will do the Lords work, I will always be with you in your heart, what's the other problem? Celibacy Mum, I will find hard to live a celibate life What are you talking about son, you're going to be a priest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
overherebc Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 School kids are given an execise to write a short story about Australia that has to include the following 1 Religion 2 Royalty 3 Disabilities 4 Racism 5 Sexual discrimination On Monday little Bazz submits the following. My God,cried The Queen, look at that one legged Black fella, he's a poofter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidu Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 A husband is porking his wife, when the bedroom door opens and their young son is standing there. The husband chuckles and says to his wife, 'just a moment dear, I'll go and talk to the boy.' When he finds the boy, he's porking his grandmother. "Son what are you doing!" Son replies: "it's not so funny, when it's your mother getting porked, is it?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Oh dear... what have I started?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Oh dear... what have I started?! I don't know but keep them coming.Shit I shouln't have said that should I? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidu Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 What's an Italian fog? A bigamist (pronounced: beeg - ah - mist) an original by an obscure stoner named 'Smitty' - told to me in Greece, 1966, when I was 14) Q.How do I make my dick 10 inches long? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A. Fold it in half. The dislexic eskimo wanted to ask his friend to share a beer. Instead they went off to shear a bear. (an original by Maidu) From the movie: Full Metal Jacket (diddy sung while army recruits are marching in formation): "I don't know but I been told / Eskimo pussy is mighty cold" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Two Jews in an Indian Restaurant.docx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 A horse walks into bar and the barman says " Hey " The horse says " Sure " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 A horse walks into bar and the barman says " Hey " The horse says " Sure " That was just so bad, it was good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stander Posted July 7, 2012 Share Posted July 7, 2012 My wife needs to learn the meaning on irony, my shirts are always creased! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidu Posted July 7, 2012 Share Posted July 7, 2012 My wife needs to learn the meaning on irony, my shirts are always creased! maybe you need to 'button down' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Click on image to enlarge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warfie Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Click on image to enlarge. that's too good for this thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Click on image to enlarge. that's too good for this thread Sorry about that. I wasn't sure,maybe it should have been put in as a new topic under Joke's,Puzzles,etc.17 Downloads already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 A horse walks into bar and the barman says " Hey " The horse says " Sure " A horse walks into a bar and the barman says " Why the long face mate?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 A rasta rabbit visit the vet and says " I'm really ill.. Yesterday I had cheese on toast for breakfast, beans on toast for lunch and poached egg on toast for dinner and I today I feel awful." "I know what's wrong with you" answers the vet " You've got mixametoasties" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I'm a bit sad at the moment. My granddad's in hospital with premature ejaculation. The doctors say it's touch and go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 A bloke walks into the doctor's and says "I keep imagining I'm a pair of circus big tops and it's stressing me out!" "Relax" replies the doctor " You're two tents" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I went to a seafood disco the other night and pulled a mussel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 A Dairy Queen manager was found dead on the floor of his store the other day covered in chocolate sauce and sprinkles. Police believe he topped himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 What's the difference between a Ferrari and a sexy Thai uni student tied to a chair screaming for help? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage. ( sorry) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 A man walks into a pub. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Doctor: I've been over your test results and I have some bad news and unfortunately some worse news." Patient: Give me the worst news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: My God! Well what's the bad news? Doctor: You've developed Alzheimer's Disease. Patient: Well that's not so bad. I thought you were going to tell me something terrible like I had 24 hours to live" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidu Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 A man walks into a pub. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family. I don't 'get it.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarryP Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 A man walks into a pub. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family. I don't 'get it.' Neither do I. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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