Worst Joke Ever

[White Christmas13]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because <deleted> like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

[tukkytuktuk]

Phrases from, and for, the Golfers among us...

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it

A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be

A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner

A Kate Moss - a bit thin

Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball

A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole

A Maradonna - a very nasty little five footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems

Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole

[lemonjelly]

Paddy goes to Limerick to find a whore, never had sex before, she says "I'll give you a 69," Paddy doesn't know what she's talking about, during the proceedings she lets out a small fart, whereupon Paddy throws her across the room.

"Sorry" she said, "but it was only a little one"

"I don't care" said Paddy

"If you think I'm going to take another 68 of those, you can think again"

Edited January 21, 2016 by lemonjelly

[Ron19]

[Ron19]

What did 2 say to 3 about 6?

Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!

Edited January 22, 2016 by Ron19

[sandmike]

I've enjoyed this thread immensely, now here's my contribution ....

Son said to Dad" I'm gay!" Dad looks at his other son and said "what about you".

Other son said "me too Dad!" Dad says "&lt;deleted&gt; me doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?"

The daughter says "I do!"

Sent by carrier pigeon

Edited January 22, 2016 by sandmike

[Ron19]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

The bartender says, "Are you aware there is a steering wheel in your pants?"

Which the pirate replies, "Arr, and it's driving me nuts!"

[laislica]

[Wilsonandson]

Funny cat memes.

[lemonjelly]

Pure genius

Edited January 24, 2016 by lemonjelly

[White Christmas13]

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

[White Christmas13]

Once there was a farmer that was very protective of his three daughters. When they told him they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside with a shotgun. The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said, "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go. The second boy arrived for the second daughter, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was decent enough and let them go. Finally, the last boy came, and he said, "Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.

[riceyummm]

[lemonjelly]

Mother in law always comes to our house for xmas, but we're doing it different this year; we're going to let her in.

[Living in a cartoon]

Man asks his wife," What do you want for your birthday??

Wife replies, "A divorce".

Man replies, "Sorry honey, that's more than I wanted to spend."

[laislica]

[WitawatWatawit]

^^^ - party in aisle 15 -- that was very well spotted by the photographer.

[laislica]

My Next Door Neighbor
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a muslim terrorist

wearing a black mask sneaking through my next-door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel

killing him instantly. He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished I got back into bed.

Andrea, my lovely wife said, " AL , you're shaking, what is it?".

'll never believe what I've just saw," I said,

"that son of a bitch next door still has my shovel."

[laislica]

[Rob13]

[laislica]

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My
wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

[laislica]

Jack & Jill went up the hill they planned to do some kissin' but Jack made a pass & grabbed her ass now his front two teeth are missin'.

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, does this rag smell of chloroform to you?

An Englishman, A Scotchman & An Irishman walk into a bar... You'd have thought after the first one did it the other two would duck.

Apparently partially deaf lesbians are putting a sexual harassment case in against me... I don't see why? I was excited about my new computer part and asked it they wanted to see my Hard Disk.

I had a date with a female police officer, on tinder she said she was partly shaved but I wasn't expecting her to be kinky enough for a threesome when she asked me if I wanted to go back to hers and see her &lt;deleted&gt; stubble.

Man will only learn violence doesn't solve everything when a mosquito lands on his nuts.

One direction are renaming the band after it's come out about a few being bisexual, they're new name will be Both Ways.

If Britain got ron jeremy as priminister, jonah falcon as his shadow secretary it really would be a hung parliament.

I shagged miley cyrus once... She found out what someone coming in like a wrecking ball was really like.

Teacher: what comes after 69? Student: Mouthwash.

Teacher: anyone know what a polygon is? Student: a dead parrot.

Teacher: if Ben has 14 mars bars and nick gives him another 7, what does Ben now have? Student: Diabetes.

Teacher: if graham has £20 and achmed has ten times that amount, what does achmed have? Student: benefits.

[Ron19]

It's so cold in Washington D.C...

I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!

[Ron19]

-Why don't Mexicans hunt with a bow?

-Because they don't Habanero!

-Boom Boom

[Ron19]

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Bryony® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spread sheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

[laislica]

Paddy and Mick are in a car park trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger after Paddy accidentally left the keys on the seat. " I can't seem to get the door open," says Paddy. "Well you better hurry up," says Mick. "It's starting to rain and the roofs down!"

[Ron19]

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.

You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

”

Look at

me...I'm me!

I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied,

"How very sporting of your mother!"

[Ron19]

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes and the funeral is taken care of .

Is this a great country or what? Now that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!

[laislica]

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

[laislica]

Paddy: "Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards Mick?"

Mick: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the &lt;deleted&gt; boat"