A man dies and goes to heaven. In heaven, he sees a wall of very large
clocks.

He asks the angel, "What are all these clocks for?"

The angel answers, "These are lie clocks; every person has one lie clock.
Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."

The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who does this clock belong to?"

The angel answers, "This clock belongs to Mother Teresa.
It has never moved, because she has never told a lie."

Then the man asks, "Where is Hillary Clinton's clock?"

The angel replies, "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

Owww, bless um.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

A little boy walks into his parents' room while they're having sex. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" The mother explains, "Your daddy was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out." The boy says, "That's funny. Every time you leave for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

A blonde approaches a stranger and asks what time it is. The stranger says, "11:45." The blonde says, "Really? That's so weird. Every time I ask that question, I get a different answer."

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden

leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

SEX & ARGUMENTS
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary
The husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

I just phoned the National Accident Helpline.

I didn't mean to, it was an accident.

My Dad has the heart of a Lion......and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

BREAKING NEWS....

The CEO of Dulux Paints has died on a trek across Antartic.

He should have worn a second coat. (I ll get mine)

^ You're painting a pretty bad picture there ...

With no gloss on the story ..

.

^^ Not to mention repeating a joke LOL

His wife is said to be very emulsional

^ You're painting a pretty bad picture there ...

With no gloss on the story ..

.

I second that emulsion

I have to say that some eggshell at telling jokes worthy of this topic

A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there.

You told us there could be no discount on this model."

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then, the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.

"There you go Dad," she said. "I told you I could get the tosser to reduce the price!”

Another old one:

A man walks into a zoo and walks around for a while looking for the animals. All he can find is one dog.

It's a shitzu.

Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barack goes first. "What will the USA be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

David thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will England be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

Come on David" says Barack, "What does it say"

David replies, "Buggered if I know! .

It's not in English!"

Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barack goes first. "What will the USA be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

David thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will England be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

Come on David" says Barack, "What does it say"

David replies, "Buggered if I know! .

It's not in English!"

Repeat of 4122 a couple of pages before he he

Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barack goes first. "What will the USA be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

David thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will England be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

Come on David" says Barack, "What does it say"

David replies, "Buggered if I know! .

It's not in English!"

Repeat of 4122 a couple of pages before he he

Sorry for the repeat missed that one but I have seen many repeats

from other posters what I have posted before so?

Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barack goes first. "What will the USA be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

David thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will England be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

Come on David" says Barack, "What does it say"

David replies, "Buggered if I know! .

It's not in English!"

Repeat of 4122 a couple of pages before he he

Sorry for the repeat missed that one but I have seen many repeats

from other posters what I have posted before so?

2 wongs don't make a white LOL

Overheard in the fruit and veg section: "I don't feed him because I love him.

I'm fattening him up, so he can't run away"