Worst Joke Ever

[TomTao]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is floating in the middle of the ocean?

Bob.

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[GarryP]

What is gray and comes by the quart?

An elephant.

You have no idea how long it took me to get this one and I'm not telling you!!!!!!! But I must rate highly on the dipstick-meter.

[anon21]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's surgery, wearing only cling film for shorts.

The psychiatrist looks at him and says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[bino]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to <deleted> your brains out, and s*ck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

[anon21]

She was only the welder's daughter, but she had acetylene legs.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

What is gray and comes by the quart?

An elephant.

Like GarryP it took me some time to work that "comes" is a double entendre. Doh!

Subsequently, I have just found the following article:

Click HERE

Bino's joke is explained near the bottom under "symbolism". Blimey, I never knew that

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Q: What do you call a Bear without ears?

A: B

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[overherebc]

Guy goes to the zoo and while there the wind blows his hat off and into the lions den. Huge lion leaps on it and tears it to pieces.

He turns to the keeper and says, that was an expensive hat what are you going to do about it ? Keeper replies, I don't really care, go buy a new one.

Guy says, I don't like your attitude !

Keeper replies, I don't care it wasn't my attitude.

[anon21]

Q: Have you heard about the morning after pill for men?

A: It changes your blood group.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[overherebc]

Jock walks into the baker shop, points and asks

Is that a cake or a merinque ?

Baker answers Naw yer right.

[sunshine51]

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husbands best

mate Peter when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of

bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked.

"On, that was Mick." She replied calmly.

"Oh shit, I'd better be going then!: he said. "Did Mick say where

he was?"

"Relax - he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you."

[sunshine51]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.

Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[sunshine51]

Over beers, two mates were having a discussion

about the charms of a certain actress.

"I say she's overrated," said one. "Take away her

hair, her lips, and her figure, and what have you got?"

"My ol' lady." said the other.

[sunshine51]

Two pro's were standing on the corner

when one suddenly turned to the other

and exclaimed, "I know this sounds

crazy, but I smell c*&k."

"Take it easy," her friend said calmly.

"I just burped."

[sunshine51]

A wife went home to her husband and told him she wanted

two thousand dollars for a breast enlargement.

"You want two grand for what?" he replied.

"For a breast enlargement" she replied.

"Listen" said the husband.

"Why don't you wipe toilet paper between your tits every day?"

"Will that make them bigger?" she asked.

Well, it worked for your arse didn't it!!!" he replied.

[sunshine51]

Q: How did Noah construct the cages he needed?

A: Ark-welding!

[sunshine51]

In Spain earlier this year, a season ticket holder was refused entry

to a Real Madrid home game for the flimsy and pathetic excuse that

he was dead. His family had brought his ashes to the match in a glass

container.

Nick Hancock's comment was, "It's coming to something when you can't

take a bottle of pop to the game with you."

[sunshine51]

After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was

addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed

above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty's

Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per

inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body.

The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be

measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet,

Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said, and the sergeant was

measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.

The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between

the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said.

"Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable

wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.

Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you

like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!"

retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must admit this is quite an

unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to

drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's

mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your

gonads, Private?!!"

The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"

[sunshine51]

Two friends, a Scotsman and a Jew, are out drinking one night. Eventually

Nature calls, and so they head for the head. The Scotsman takes the lone

urinal, and the Jew says that he has to take a dump anyway so he enters

the stall. The usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew says

"dam_n!"

"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.

"Well, when I was pulling my pants up, I dropped a dime into the toilet."

The Scotsman joins the Jew in the stall to look at the sad sight. They

both shake their heads in despair. Then the Scotsman reaches into his

pocket and drops a quarter into the toilet.

"What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew.

And the Scotsman sez, "Och, I'm not gonna stick my hand in there for

a dime!"

[sunshine51]

Q: What's the best thing about an Ethiopian BJ?

A: You know she'll swallow!

[sunshine51]

Next to last....

Q: What are the two biggest lies in Poland?

A: "The check is in your mouth" and "I won't

come in the mail."

[sunshine51]

This is it...really...

Q. Why do the police in Moscow travel in threes?

A. They need one who is able to read, another who

can write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

With hat & coat in hand....I'm runnin....

[transam]

This is it...really...

Q. Why do the police in Moscow travel in threes?

A. They need one who is able to read, another who

can write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

With hat & coat in hand....I'm runnin....

Don't stop running eh.

[anon21]

Let's Groan Again, Dear Friends

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please?'

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and

leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a rougish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love

it.'

'Ok' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you?'

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said 'You never came back, after that fateful night. What happened?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.

'B*gger' said the barman, 'what from?'.

After a short pause. The rabbit said... 'Mixing Me Toasties.'

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[nurofiend]

I wanted to make a joke about vaginas, but I'm pretty sure the women would ovary act.

[anon21]

Q: What do you call a Japanese lady with a food mixer on her head?

A: Blenda

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[MrMuddle]

Q: What do you call a Japanese lady with a food mixer on her head?

A: Blenda

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

I'm stealing that one !

[anon21]

Q: What do you call a Japanese lady with a food mixer on her head?

A: Blenda

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

I'm stealing that one !

Glad to have been of assistance MrMuddle

Let's Groan Again

Count Dracula is out "on the pull" in Glasgow.

He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle Street sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmm, he thinks. What's going on here?

A few yards further on and ........Bang ! He’s smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!

A few yards further along the street and........Crash! He’s smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder.

With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickled onion.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees an attractive young female. With his dying breath he gasps, “Who the hell are you ?”

:

:

:

"Hi, I’m BUFFET, the vampire slayer !"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Q: What do you call a Spaniard, who can't remember where he has parked his car?

A: Carlos

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[TomTao]

What do you call a Greek parachutist?

Con descending.

What do you call two Lebonese women in a sauna?

Gorrilas in the mist.

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