Worst Joke Ever

[loong]

There were 2 blackbirds and they were feeling a bit peckish. So off they went to the kitchen to see what they had.

Taking down a can from the cupboard, one explained "OMG, this is 5 years past its sell by date!!"

The other blackbird said"Oooh, you don't want to open that can of worms"

[laislica]

I bumped into an old mate yesterday.

He said, "I haven't seen you for 14 years .

What happened?"

I said, "I've been locked up."

He said, "What did you do, commit murder?"

I said, "No, I got married."

[laislica]

[loong]

Not a joke. A true story from years back.

A friends little daughter had a test on plurals.

The teacher asked questions and the children had to write down their answers

Teacher: " You have one penny, how many pennies do you have"

She wrote " I have one peni"

Teacher: " Your friend gives you one penny, how many pennies do you have now"
She wrote " I have two penis"

[loong]

I was going for a drink after work with some of my workmates. I telephoned the Missus and told her that I was working late.

I got home at 1AM stumbling all over the place and fell into bed fully clothed.

In the morning I was getting the cold shoulder from the Missus. She said to me "I don't mind that you go out for a few drinks with your mates, what I DO mind is that you lied to me!. We have to be honest in our relationship, no more lies, honesty is more important than anything else"

That evening, we were going out for a meal with some friends and she was trying on various outfits.

She asked me "Does my bum look fat in this?"

I'll never understand women!

[nikmar]

Not a joke. A true story from years back.

A friends little daughter had a test on plurals.

The teacher asked questions and the children had to write down their answers

Teacher: " You have one penny, how many pennies do you have"

She wrote " I have one peni"

Teacher: " Your friend gives you one penny, how many pennies do you have now"

She wrote " I have two penis"

A five yr old kid asks his Dad what a "penis" is. So the Dad sits him down and explains that its the thing he pees out of.

Then Dad asks where he learnt the word.

The kid explained that the headmaster at his school told everyone during morning assembly that they had to sing hyms with no music as the penis (pianist) was sick.

[loong]

The Missus asked me to take the stepson to the dentist for a deep clean and the dog to the vet to be castrated.

The dog's teeth look amazing

[loong]

Not a joke. A true story from years back.

A friends little daughter had a test on plurals.

The teacher asked questions and the children had to write down their answers

Teacher: " You have one penny, how many pennies do you have"

She wrote " I have one peni"

Teacher: " Your friend gives you one penny, how many pennies do you have now"

She wrote " I have two penis"

A five yr old kid asks his Dad what a "penis" is. So the Dad sits him down and explains that its the thing he pees out of.

Then Dad asks where he learnt the word.

The kid explained that the headmaster at his school told everyone during morning assembly that they had to sing hyms with no music as the penis (pianist) was sick.

That may well bring a ressurection of the genie and the 12 inch pianist joke

[sandmike]

Your wish is my command, oh master ....

A man walks into a bar, and sits down on a barstool, placing a small brown bag on the counter next to him. He signals to the bartender and then proceeds to down 3 shots of scotch.

The bartender, being no fool asks, “Hey man what’s wrong?”

Without replying the man slowly reaches over and grabs the brown bag. Opening it, he pulls out a tiny piano.

To the bartender’s surprise he reaches back in and pulls out a tiny man, who couldn’t be standing more than a foot tall, dressed in a full tuxedo. The tiny man walks up to the piano, pulls out the piano bench and carefully sits down. He then continues to play some of the most beautiful soothing music the bartender has ever heard.

“Where on earth did you get this little man?!”

“Oh I have a genie.”

The bartender can barely contain his excitement, “You do? Can I see it?”

“Of course, of course,” says the man pulling out an ornately decorated lamp.

The bartender takes the lamp and rubs it and out pops a genie.

“You have summoned me. What is your one wish sir?”

“I want a million bucks!” The bartender shouts.

Immediately the room begins to fill up with ducks. Feathers are flying everywhere, the other patrons begin screaming and running for the doors.

As the ducks continue to appear out of thin air, the bartender looks frantically at the man with the brown bag who has a sly smile on his face.

“WHAT HAPPENED!? I DIDN’T ASK FOR THESE DUCKS!!”

“Well do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

Is that to your satisfaction master ???

[laislica]

[Ron19]

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?

-A buccaneer.

[laislica]

[nikmar]

Im friends with 25 letters of the alpahabet. I dont know "y".

[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.

"Jewish," the man replied.

"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.

"Religion?" he asked the second man.

"Muslim."

"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."

"Religion?" he asked the third man.

"Agnostic."

"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."

"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.

The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."

[loong]

Mick goes round to see Paddy. As he walks in he sees that the television is on fire.

"Oh moi God Paddy, What Happened?!!"

"The woife's been on at me for ages to get dat dere set alight telly. Don't see what she was on about moiself"

[loong]

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

[loong]

Why doesn't a grizzly wear shoes or socks?

Because he has bear feet

[riceyummm]

itsaysthecostjustwentup.jpg

This actually happens, if you search a flight and then clear your history and cookies and search again you'll probably get a lower price. At least that's been my experience.

[riceyummm]

[laislica]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Ron19]

Subject: FW: Black Fella Way



________________________________

A Northern Territory Black Fella picks up a hooker off the streets of Alice Springs.

'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.


'$100,' she replies.


He says 'You do Black Fella style?'


'No' she says.


' I pay you $200 do it Black Fella style'


'No', she says, not knowing what Black Fella style is.


'I pay you $300'


'No', she says.


'I pay you $400'


'No', she says.


So finally he says,

'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Black Fella style..'


She thinks,

'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Black Fella Style be?'


So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.

But that was good. So what exactly is ' Black Fella style'?'

The Black Fella replies 'You send bill to Government'

[Ron19]

Ever wonder what happened to Dennis the Menace when he got older?

[Ron19]

[laislica]

This story dates from last June. I was headed to San Diego for a conference.

The night before, I went out for some drinks with a coworker who would also be there.

A few drinks turned into us pretty much closing down the bar.

When I woke up at 6:30 later that morning, I actually felt great – I figured I must have drunk my way through the hangover!

This was of course a very stupid thought, and as the morning dragged on through getting to the airport, getting through security, and waiting at the gate,

my head decided I am an idiot and deserve to be punished. It was not wrong.

I made my way through the plane to my row, where I was to be seated in the window (a personal preference).

As I approached my row, I saw a woman sitting in the middle seat, with her belongings on my seat. I

politely said that it was my seat and waited for her to move them. She let out an overly-large sigh, then laboriously moved her things onto her lap.

She then sat there. And sat. I asked her if she would mind letting me by, and she said the oddest thing:

‘Go over me.’

Now at first, I assumed that this was my fault.

I assumed that in my awful, terrible hangover, I had forgotten how people board cramped seats and that I was wrong for assuming she would and should get up to let me in.

But then I remembered, I’m an idiot.

So I assumed she had some sort of physical disability which made standing and sitting difficult or painful for her, and rather than embarrass her I did as she requested, I went over her.

Shortly before takeoff, she stood up and hollered at her husband, who was in the back of the plane with their two children:

‘I don’t know why you couldn’t get us seats together! Honestly, this is absurd, why didn’t you?!’

Lady, I got an idea why.

I didn’t really care about her constantly reshuffling things or her armrest-hogging. It did bum me out when her daughter came up to our row

with a cheese and cracker platter and asker her mom if she wanted some and the lady simply said ‘No.’ Eventually, I was able to fall asleep.

For those who don’t drink, there is a phenomenon called the beer shits.

After a night of heavy drinking, you will often have a large amount of gas (and other things which go along with it) the next day.

About halfway through out flight, I felt this coming on, and I decided I had no choice but to go. I asked her if I could please get out.

The gentleman in the aisle seat immediately got out, but she again said:

‘Go over me.’

Now by this point, I was pretty irritable. I had an awful headache, my stomach was doing somersaults, and I was about to blow an O-ring, and this miserable bitch wanted me to go over her?

On a moving plane? Fine, I would.

I swung my right leg over her, then put my ass over her face, nearly touching.

A slight tremble in the flight, and I released a full-on, seemingly never ending fart, a cloud of noxious gas which should have had me arrested for war crimes.

I let the whole thing go.

Afterwards, I turned, made full eye contact, and said ‘Sorry. Turbulence.’

Everyone around me was fully and truly disgusted, and to them I am still so sorry, but I did what I did for the greater good.

When I got back from the bathroom, she got up to let me in.”

[laislica]

[Wilsonandson]

A.A

[Wilsonandson]

Animal meme's

[Wilsonandson]

So funny!

[Ron19]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let’s see what we can do about that: "#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I’m single and Catholic!"

"OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish."

The nun says, "That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party."