Worst Joke Ever

[White Christmas13]

One beautiful December evening Pepito and his girlfriend Pepita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pepe said "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Pepa.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pepito begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Pepita looked at Pepito and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."

Pepito grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

[White Christmas13]

A retired man sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, "Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."[/size] [/size]

The husband gives it a moments thought and says, "Sure, why not? Show me to the vacuum.[/size]

Half an hour later, the man comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. [/size]

His wife[/size] says, "I didn't hear the vacuum working. I thought you were using it."[/size]

Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken; it won't start. We need to buy a new one."[/size] [/size]

"Really," she says. "Show me. It worked fine the last time." [/size]

So he did click below

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4[/size]

My keyboard is full of Beer Chang, I am going to sue ...

No you can't change your beer but I love your reply

[laislica]

[laislica]

[Ron19]

Subject: Land Rights

Three aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekathara.The first bloke says to his mate,"Hey Jeffry wat land ya gonna buy with yourmoney from da gubmint?"Jeffrey says, "I'm gonna buy Arnom land, dat's good land up der bloke!"Then Jeffry says to Lewis, "Hey Lewis, what land you gonna buy?"Lewis says, "I'm gonna buy Gibson land. Nice place round der eh!"Then Lewis says to Neville, "Ai! Neville wat land you gonna buy dere bloke?"Neville replies, "I'm gonna buy LIQUOR LAND !And they all lived happy for ever after! 

[laislica]

[Ron19]

[laislica]

An old man was eating at a truck stop minding his own business, when three dangerous-looking bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into his milk and then took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid and left the diner.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress looked out the window and replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

[AhFarangJa]

[AhFarangJa]

[laislica]

[AhFarangJa]

[laislica]

His parents hated him!

[laislica]

It only took 2 hours to remove the camera from his arse.

Sadly the tripod was stuck firm.

[laislica]

[AhFarangJa]

[White Christmas13]

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.

[White Christmas13]

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!

[White Christmas13]

You may be a muslim If

1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

[laislica]

[Thaiwine]

Foreign Holiday Notices
English is such a difficult language to learn, just the smallest mistake can produce a hilarious joke.

In the Bedroom
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notice.
Please to bathe inside the tub.
Please leave your values at the front desk.
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In the bar
Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Special today — no ice cream.

In the Hotel Shop
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
If this is your first visit to Tokyo, you are welcome to it.
Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Specialist in women and other diseases
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

[MJCM]

massivefight.jpg

I posted that earlier today here: http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/562029-humorous-signsphotosvideosarticles-or-sayings-non-thai/page-2053#entry10869323

[laislica]

massivefight.jpg

I posted that earlier today here: http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/562029-humorous-signsphotosvideosarticles-or-sayings-non-thai/page-2053#entry10869323

5 5 5 5 5 5 5

but not on this thread!

I didn't know about the other thread, so thanks for that!

Edit

Just had a quick look at that thread,

I'll stay with this one thanks.

Edited June 18, 2016 by laislica

[joboss]

A young apprentice mortician was preparing a female cadaver for the funeral.

His boss comes in and inquires about how he was getting on and does he need any advice.

Young fellow replies that the cadaver has a prawn sticking out of her virgina.

Boss says Thats not a prawn son , Its called a clitoris

Apprentice replies, Well, it sure tastes like a prawn

[White Christmas13]

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.

[White Christmas13]

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."

[White Christmas13]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

[riceyummm]

Care for a glass of dick?

[riceyummm]

[donnybay]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40