Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

Just been for stroll on the beach in porthcawl, and saw a couple having a massive row.

She shoved him, then he shoved her back and started hitting shit out of her with a stick.

Eventually the police turned up and the bloke starts laying into the copper as well!!

Then a crocodile came along and ate all the sausages.....

[laislica]

Remember, Please, someone asked for these!

 

[laislica]

[laislica]

What's better each morning than roses on your piano?

Tulips on you organ!

[laislica]

bloke bumped in to me the other day and said: "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said: "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said: "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

I said, "Yes. He reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

[laislica]

Things You Think About When Drunk One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Is Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

[laislica]

What do vampires have for breakfast?

Readyneck.

 

 What can reindeer have that no one else can have?

Baby reindeer.

 

Why did the car mechanic sleep under the car?

He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.

 

How does jack frost get to work?

By icicle.

 

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like Brussel sprouts.

Edited December 28, 2016 by laislica

[laislica]

[chickenslegs]

3 hours ago, laislica said:

 

 

 'andles for forks?

 

(It took a while, but I got there eventually)

Edited December 28, 2016 by chickenslegs

[chickenslegs]

I went to a doctor, and told him "Every night I have the same dream. One minute I am a tee-pee and the next I am a wigwam. Then I wake up with a stiff neck and aching shoulders. What's wrong with me?"

 

The doctor replied "I think I know the problem... you're two-tents."

[laislica]

The weekly gorilla mating draws 100s of visitors and in itself keeps the zoo's finances buoyant.
Tragically the male gorilla dies suddenly.

The zoo advertises among its staff for a stand-in until they can find a replacement; a couple of weeks and £500.
Paddy is the only applicant.

He seems to be up to the job, but has two questions; "Can you make sure my name doesn't get out?"

No problem. "And about the £500; can I pay monthly?"

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

A reliant robin breaks down on the motorway and a jaguar driver offers him a tow to the next service station .

Jag driver says if I go to fast beep .

20 mile later jag driver forgets all about the robin and all of a sudden a porche flies past.

Jag driver says sod this race on .

10 mile later a motorway cops sat on a bridge and radios to his sargeant and says sarg

I have just clocked a porche at 160 a jag at a 150 and a reliant robin beeping trying to get past

[laislica]

Peter starts his new job at the London Zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show who is boss, Peter beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, Peter is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, Peter says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

Peter moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?'

The lion replies, 'Absolutely brilliant!..... Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'

 

 

[laislica]

Apparently, the WW1 poster of Lord Kitchener looks like he is pointing at you from wherever you're standing.

I didn't know, until I had a propaganda at it.

[scottiejohn]

I'm glad you saw the point of it!

[laislica]

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his workshop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, - and when I finished, it worked just like new"
He went on. - "So how is it that I make £40,000 a year and you make half a million when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic,

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[billd766]

17 hours ago, laislica said:

A reliant robin breaks down on the motorway and a jaguar driver offers him a tow to the next service station .

Jag driver says if I go to fast beep .

20 mile later jag driver forgets all about the robin and all of a sudden a porche flies past.

Jag driver says sod this race on .

10 mile later a motorway cops sat on a bridge and radios to his sargeant and says sarg

I have just clocked a porche at 160 a jag at a 150 and a reliant robin beeping trying to get past

 

That reminded me of the beep beep song.

 

I didn't think I'd ever hear a song about a 3-wheeler. This is called the Bubble car song so I guess it could be a 3-wheeler or a 4-wheeler. There is also an American version of the song that changes the word Bubble car to Nash Rambler.

Beep Beep (The Bubble Car Song) - The Playmates (Year unknown)

While riding in my limousine
What to my surprise
A little Bubble Car was  following me
About one-third my size
The guy must have wanted to pass me  out
As he kept on tooting his horn <sound of horn - beep beep!>
I'll show him that a limousine Is not a car to scorn <chorus>

I  pushed my foot down to the floor
To give the guy the shake
But the little Bubble Car stayed right behind
He still had on his brake
He must have thought his car had more guts
As he kept on tooting his horn <sound of horn - beep beep!>
I'll show him that a limousine Is not a car to scorn <chorus>

My car went in to passing gear
And we took off with gust
And soon we were doing ninety
Must have left him in the dust
When I peeked in the mirror of my car
I couldn't believe my eyes
The little Bubble Car was right behind
You'd think that guy could fly <chorus>

Now we're doing a hundred and ten
It certainly was a race
For a Bubble to pass a limo
Would be a big disgrace
The guy must have wanted to pass me out
As he kept on tooting his horn I'll show him that  a limousine Is
not a car to scorn <chorus>

Now we're doing a  hundred and twenty
As fast as I could go
The Bubble pulled alongside of me
As if we were going slow
The fellow rolled his window down
And  yelled for me to hear

"Hey buddy how can I get this car out... of... second gear!"
<chorus>
Beep beep <sound of horn - beep beep!> Beep beep <beep beep> His
horn went beep beep beep <beep beep>

 

Or Here.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enqNl7tdLR4

 

[laislica]

^^

Excellent, I remember when it first came out!

[billd766]

2 hours ago, laislica said:

^^

Excellent, I remember when it first came out!

 

Me too.

 

It was in black and white on the radio.

[laislica]

[laislica]

 

And man said "Let's make it illegal!"

Edited December 30, 2016 by laislica

[laislica]

[laislica]

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes,

Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock

Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough,

Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. I

f It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40.

If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer,

You've Got An Electrical Problem.

[laislica]

[JB300]

 
Me too.
 
It was in black and white on the radio.

And for those watching in Black & White the brown ball is directly behind the pink...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portal:Snooker/Quotes

[White Christmas13]

Q: Does Britain have a 4th of July?A: Yes, and a 5th and a 6th too

[White Christmas13]

Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.

[laislica]