A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

So proud of myself . I made a resolution 365 days ago not to once mention "tyres" . I've kept it .

Proves It's been a Goodyear . ------------ oh bugger . ?

Hope everybody got what they really wanted for Christmas.

My lovely family clubbed together to buy me a voucher for some luxury clinic in Switzerland.

Silly buggers must've clicked the wrong box on the booking form though, 'cause it's only a one way flight!!

Easily done I suppose

On 12/28/2016 at 11:31 PM, chickenslegs said:

 

 

 'andles for forks?

 

(It took a while, but I got there eventually)

I looked and thought "<deleted>"!

Then it sunk in. The 2 Ronnies, they were great. Especially Ronnie Barker, one of the greatest ever.

My neighbour has just washed her black and white striped underwear she got for Xmas.

Bra Humbug!

Just heard that in 2017 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech.
I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

Happy New Year!

Early I know but I suffer from premature congratulation

Just before midnight tonight lift your left leg off the floor,

that way you will start 2017 on the right foot.

A friend of mine has just exchanged a Volvo for a shiny new Beetle.

Its a bit smaller, naturally, but he can park it in a matchbox and it eats all the woodlice.