Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

 

More Churchill on Atlee.

"A sheep in sheep’s clothing."

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about."

"An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out."

[scottiejohn]

Churchill On Ramsay Macdonald:

 

"I remember when I was a child, being taken to the celebrated Barnum's Circus, which contained an exhibition of freaks and monstrosities, but the exhibit on the programme which I most desired to see was the one described as "The Boneless Wonder". My parents judged that the spectacle would be too demoralising and revolting for my youthful eye and I have waited fifty years, to see the The Boneless Wonder sitting on the Opposite Bench."

[White Christmas13]

Your laugh for the day!! Enjoy!!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

 

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car
and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)

 

(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!! !

 

[scottiejohn]

That's a 'Thumper' of a story but do you have to keep rabbiting on and spraying puns all over the road before we were conditioned for it.

Edited April 19, 2017 by scottiejohn
it needed re-conditioning

[scottiejohn]

Since Hair Raising Bunny jokes appear to be all the fashion at the moment hare are a few more one-liners.

 

 

Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

A: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!

 

Q: What airline do rabbits use?

A: British Hare-ways!

　

Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?

A: Deviled eggs!

 

Q: What did the rabbit give his vegetarian girlfriend?

A: A 14 carrot ring!

 

Q: What did the rabbits do after their wedding?

A: They went on their bunnymoon!

PS: The bell Hop was not invited to 'rabbit on' to them while he showed them their room!

 

Q: What do rabbits put in their computers?

A: Hoppy disks!

PS: for the youngsters a 'floppy disk' was - forget it - ask your dad!

 

Q: What do you call 99 rabbits stepping backwards?

A: A receding hare line!

 

Q: What do you call a happy rabbit?

A: An Hop-timist.

 

Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit?

A: A chili dog on a bun!

 

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?

A: It's been nice gnawing at you.

 

Q: What do you call an operation on a rabbit?

A: A hare-cut.

 

Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit?

A: He was a millionhare!

　

Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower?

A: A hare dryer!

 

Q: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

A: Because from a distance they looked like hares!

 

Q: Why did the bunny build herself a new house?

A: She was fed up with the hole thing! (keep it clean - talking burrows here!)

[kickstart]

Definition of luxury fur lined condom with a  zip.

 

Definition  of agony, mouse sliding down a  razor  blade, and using his balls as brakes  

[Andrew Dwyer]

You gotta sing this one for best effect !
Hint : Think Dean Martin

[Rob13]

On 4/19/2017 at 4:54 PM, White Christmas13 said:

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent w

Happy Easter!! !

 

 

Mods are gonna have to close this thread, cuz that's the worst joke ever.

 

A dog is on his way home from work. He comes to some railroad tracks and sees a train coming. He runs fast to try and beat the train but he's too slow and the tip of his tail gets run over by the train.

The dog looks around to see what happened and a train wheel runs over him and severs his head.

 

The moral of the story is: Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

[overherebc]

On 17/04/2017 at 4:56 PM, scottiejohn said:

Easter = Jesus missing in action

 

A  school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was.
"Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised.
"He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. Quite correct said the teacher.

He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart" That is also Quite correct said the teacher.

The only boy left with his hand raised  gave this answer "He's in my bathroom!"

Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face.

"Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in there?"

Little Johnny in the class.

 

Teacher.

Can anyone name the three Kings that brought gifts, peace and comfort to people.

Only little Johnny puts up his hand.

OK says the the teacher, name them.

OK says little Johnny.

Smo-king, Drin-king and <deleted>.

[scottiejohn]

15 hours ago, kickstart said:

Definition  of agony, mouse sliding down a  razor  blade, and using his balls as brakes  

On the subject of sliding;

 

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that
the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the
woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the
way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the
waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to
the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the
table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband
just walked in the door."          

[scottiejohn]

Continuing the Royalty/hare theme, here is a one liner.  Please groan loudly!

 

What do Kings and Rabbits worry about; They worry about receding heir lines.

[scottiejohn]

On the Dean Martin Thai Meme; here you are;

 

Edited April 21, 2017 by scottiejohn
trying to line up the photo!

[scottiejohn]

A few more on Dean;

 

[Minnie the Minx]

[scottiejohn]

Apropos of nothing;

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 21, 2017 by scottiejohn
trying to get the hang of hanging pictures

[scottiejohn]

And a few more King/royal one liners;

 

When those around King Arthur's table had insomnia, there were a lot of sleepless knights. 

 

Sir Cumference built King Arthur's round table, and Sir Ramic Tile did the flooring.

 

The queen's favourite chef was knighted Sir Loin.

 

The Kings chairs are rarely throne out.

(unless they are square ones at a round table)

[scottiejohn]

57 minutes ago, Minnie the Minx said:

They must be using dry ice in my case!

Edited April 21, 2017 by scottiejohn
"can't spell properly" sais the dixlektic witch.

[scottiejohn]

I am not saying the ex wife was frigid but;

 

[Daffy D]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Think about it !

[Andrew Dwyer]

This happens to me all the time !

[Andrew Dwyer]

[kickstart]

Littal  girl runs in to the kitchen ,and says "Mummey do girls come apart "?.

 

Mummey loks at at young  daughter and says  "no dear what a silly question , why ask it"

 

"I just heard daddy say to Mr Smith next door that he has screwed  the ass off there au pair girl".

[scottiejohn]

On ‎11‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 2:11 PM, laislica said:

having to use my dictaphone !

Do yo use a mouth piece or some other opening to activate it. 

It is so long since I have used one said the wife when I asked her about it.

[Panda13]

Guy notices that the girl he just brought home and undressed has blond hair up top and black pubes.
Him: How come different colours?
Her: Well, you know when you hanging a picture and you accidentally hit your thumb?
Him: Yes, what about it?
Her : If you keep hitting your thumb, after a while the thumbnail goes black, right?
Him: Yes, but what's that got to do with it?
Her: So, its like that. Its had a hammering !

[scottiejohn]

A couple more 'royal' one liners;

 

It is difficult to escape being a peasant because resistance is feudal.

The king never let any of his female personal musicians go swimming immediately
before playing his instrument(s) for fear that they would get pre-minstrel cramps.

The royal family moved into my neighborhood. They live Tudors down.

The people stand up for royalty. The queen sits down for royal tea.

[scottiejohn]

How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct:

 

She is Not A Babe Or A Chick - She is A Breast Enhanced Person.
 She is Not A Screamer Or Moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative. (Yep!)
 She is Not Easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.
 She Does Not Tease Or Flirt - She Engages in Artificial Stimulation.
 She is Not Dumb - She is A Detour Off the Information Superhighway.
 She Has Not Been Around - She is A Previously Enjoyed Companion.
 She Does Not Get You Excited-she Causes Temporary Blood Displacement.
 She is Not Kinky - She is A Creative Caretaker.
 She Does Not Have A Killer Body - She is Terminally Attractive.
 She is Not An Airhead - She is Reality Impaired.
 She Does Not Get Drunk Or Tipsy - She Gets Chemically Inconvenienced.
 She is Not Horny - She is Sexually Focused. (Honk Honk!)
 She Does Not Have Breast Implants - She is Medically Enhanced.
 She Does Not Nag You - She Becomes Orally Repetitive
 She is Not A Slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.
 She Does Not Have Major League Hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.
 She is Not A Two Bit Whore - She is A Low Cost Provider.

[scottiejohn]

How to Speak About Men and Be Politically Correct:

 

He Does Not Have A Beer Gut - He Has Developed A Liquid Grain Storage Facility

 He is Not A Bad Dancer - He is Overly Caucasian
 He Does Not Get Lost All the Time - He Investigates Alternative Destinations
 He is Not Balding - He is in Follicle Regression
 He is Not A Cradle Robber- He Prefers Generationally Differential Relationships
 He Does Not Get Falling-down Drunk-he Becomes Accidentally Horizontal
 He Does Not Act Like A Total Ass - He Develops A Case of Rectal-cranial Inversion
 He is Not A Sex Machine - He is Romantically Automated
 He is Not A Male Chauvinist Pig - He Has Swine Empathy
 He is Not Afraid of Commitment - He is Monogamously Challenged
 He Does Not Undress You with His Eyes - He Has An Introspective Graphic Moment

[scottiejohn]

Alligator Shoes;

 

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.

“I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper, so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.

“Oh, NO! the blonde shouted in dismay. “This one isn’t wearing any shoes EITHER!”

[scottiejohn]

Yet another Au Pair tale;

 

Little Johnny tells his mother that he's seen his father 'misbehaving' with the au pair.

"What happened son?"

"Well, first he took off her blouse"..."Go on, Johnny"

"..and then he took off her skirt"..."...Go on..."

"Then he took off his own clothes, and then....."

"I've heard enough Johnny,I get the picture... you can tell us all the rest tonight over the family dinner".

Later that night, after they'd eaten, his mother asked him to tell the story again.

"Well, I saw Dad take off Helga's blouse...." and then Johnny?"

"..and then he took off her skirt"....." ..and then Johnny"

(Dad and the au pair were feeling decidedly nervous by now)

　

"...and then he took off his own clothes"...."...and then Johnny?"

..." and then they did that thing that you and Uncle Joe do when Dad's away on business."