Worst Joke Ever

[billd766]

8 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

A couple more 'royal' one liners;

 

It is difficult to escape being a peasant because resistance is feudal.

The king never let any of his female personal musicians go swimming immediately
before playing his instrument(s) for fear that they would get pre-minstrel cramps.

The royal family moved into my neighborhood. They live Tudors down.

The people stand up for royalty. The queen sits down for royal tea.

 

Off with his head, said the Queen.

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

10 hours ago, billd766 said:

 

Off with his head, said the Queen.

I don't want any more head said the other queen!

[Minnie the Minx]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Minnie the Minx]

Hahahahahahahah lol.

[Minnie the Minx]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

Some bed jokes to sleep on!

 

I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed.

I didn’t have a big role, just toast and marmalade.

 

Why did the Blonde insomniac put her bed in the fireplace?

Because she wanted to sleep like a log.

 

Two friends were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first.

"But where will you keep it?" "Your yard's much too small for a pig!" said the second.

"I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend.

"But what about the smell?"

"He'll soon get used to that. I have!"

[scottiejohn]

57 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Have you got another lover because I think you are knitting the condom way too big for me!

[scottiejohn]

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face.

His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move
slightly.
My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he said. "Rest.
Shhh. Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I
have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go
to sleep ." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your
father."
"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

[Minnie the Minx]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[scottiejohn]

1 hour ago, Minnie the Minx said:

When the 'M' is missing.

 

I might not blindly follow but I do love chasing @ss

 

PS;  If I'm lucky I might even get a kick out of it!

 

Edited April 24, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

I do love themes.

Here are a few more Ass/Donkey comments;

　

Q: What happens when you buy a mini-donkey

A: Your getting a little ass!

 

Q: How do you compliment a donkey?

A: "Hey, nice ass!"

 

Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?

A: a piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye!

 

Q: What do you call a donkey with a PHD?

A: A smart ass.

 

Q: What do you call a donkey with built-in GPS?

A: Comp-ass.

 

A man fell in love with his faithful female donkey, and decided to marry her.

At the wedding, the priest said, "Well, this is refreshing, it's usually the woman that's marrying the ass."

[CantSpell]

This one opens early...

 

 

Edit: Opps, wrong thread sorry

Edited April 24, 2017 by CantSpell

[scottiejohn]

1 minute ago, CantSpell said:

This one opens early...

 

 

Edit: Opps, wrong thread sorry

Burger that!

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

Fears that Greece and Britain would leave the euro zone gave us the terms "Grexit," and Brexit. There are murmurs about an eventual "Frexit."

The way things are going, every EU country may need its own term at some point, but the "-exit" structure doesn’t always work (just try saying "Italexit").

Here is a non-comprehensive list of possible names for the potential exits of every country in the union. Just in case.

A knowledge of European geography/city names may help! Please feel free to add.

　

Austria; Outstria, Ousterreich

Belgium; Beljump, Bailgium

Bulgaria; Nullgaria

Croatia; Noatia, Heaveatska

Cyprus; Byeprus, Nicoseeya

Czech Republic; Czech-out, Czech-off

Denmark; Dumpmark, Donemark, Copenhatin’

Estonia; Egresstonia, Eschewia, Extonia

Finland; Finisland, Helsinkhole

France; Frexit, Fraurevoir, Adieu, Oui out

Germany; Berlout, Deutschleave, Angeleave Merkel

Greece; Grexit

Hungary; •Full up, Hungaway

Ireland; Retireland, Dublout, Byerland

Italy; Italight, Outaly, Quitaly

Latvia; Leavia, Lat-me-out

Lithuania; Lithawaynia

Luxembourg; Luxdisembark, Luxgetouttahere

Malta; Malternative, Maltleavers, Maltalavista

Netherlands; Neverlands, Don’t give a dam

Poland; Noland, Polskedaddle, Withdrarsaw

Portugal; Portugo, Departugal, Abortugal

Romania; Roaminania, Bucherofski

Slovakia; Forsakia, Slovacate

Slovenia; Sleavenia

Spain; Madriddance

Sweden; Swedesert, Sweparture; Swedone

[laislica]

A young bloke with his pants hanging half off , two gold front teeth, heaps of tattoos, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Job Center to sign some paperwork.

He marched up to the counter and said:
"Hi. You know, I just HATE being on the DOLE. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing and all that.”

The social worker behind the counter said:
"Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said:

"You're bullshittin' me!”

The social worker said,

"Yeah, well…You started it."

 

 

[Panda13]

What's red and bad for your teeth ?
A brick.

[laislica]

10 minutes ago, Panda13 said:

What's red and bad for your teeth ?
A brick.

Whats long and thin,

Red in part and often shoved in tarts?

 

Rhubarb.....

[Andrew Dwyer]

[laislica]

Two things I learnt last night,

.

I'm not very good on drums and my Neighbour has Tourette's !!.

[scottiejohn]

9 hours ago, laislica said:

Two things I learnt last night,

.

I'm not very good on drums and my Neighbour has Tourette's !!.

Does that mean you were both banging on or did he just 'tick' you off!

[scottiejohn]

My mate from Liverpool has started working in a local slaughterhouse, stunning the animals.

 

They've never seen a Scouser (Liverpudlian) with a job before.

[laislica]

I don't cook much.

Does anyone know how much vodka you're supposed to add to cheese on toast?

 

 

I've just bought a bargain coat from Top Man ; proper price £200 and I got it for £50 ...........
It's supposed to be slightly imperfect but I've had a good look all over and the only thing I can find wrong is one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two !!

 

 

My brother has made a peace offering for playing so many pranks on me.

These Wimbledon tickets to see Henman must have cost him a fortune.

 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2017 by laislica

[laislica]

At my age, I didn't think I had it in me anymore, but I just pulled an all-nighter for the first time in years.

 

 

Not once did I have to get up to use the toilet.

 

 

 

[laislica]

Old guy in his 90's goes to the doctors to ask for some viagra.

 

The doctors says, well sir, firstly I have to congratulate you on having physical relations at your age.

It is to be commended.

The old man says, sorry doc, thats not the case.

I only take half a tablet each night, it stops me peeing on my slippers.