Worst Joke Ever

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[Ron19]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter 
to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: 
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?



When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.



The couple sat and waited, and waited.

Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, 
they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, 
what was the eternal aspect of it all.

'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 
'Are we stuck together forever?'



After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, 
looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.

'

'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if 
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'



St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'

OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!'

Sent from my iris 755 using Tapatalk

[Ron19]

The bull

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him
out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I
was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very
healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed
him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even
broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a
machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ........... but
they kind of taste like peppermint.

[Panda13]

[scottiejohn]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, *Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

 

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

 

We even called up Betty, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

 

 

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour to give a hand?'

　

 

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A farmer returned from the stockyard sales, backed up the trailer and off loaded a big brute of an Aberdeen Angus Bull, all shaggy brown hair, Horns etc;

 

Two steers were standing on the hillside watching the newcomer. The first steer started snorting, pawing the ground ready for a fight with the newcomer. The second jumped and started to run to the barnyard to greet the new bull.

 

The first steer yelled at his buddy. "What do you think you're doing, he's gonna tear you limb from limb?"

 

The steer running toward the new bull "yelled back over his shoulder. Naw! I'm just going down there so he knows for sure I'm not a cow".

Edited April 30, 2017 by scottiejohn

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[scottiejohn]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

 

Bob: Seven, Sir.

 

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

 

Bob: Seven, Sir.

 

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

 

Bob: Six.

 

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

 

Bob: Seven!!! SIR!

 

A very frustrated Teacher:... Where in the hell do you get seven from..???!!

　

　

　

　

A very frustrated Bob:.... Because,.... I've already got one damn cat at Home SIR!!!

　

　

[scottiejohn]

Edited April 30, 2017 by scottiejohn
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[scottiejohn]

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[scottiejohn]

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Poi-Sian inhaler, for those "special" people on your "list. Exclusively from "The Lucrezia Borgia Collection".

 

 

[scottiejohn]

On the subject of poison;

 

What's the best thing about deadly snakes?

They've got poisonality.

　

How do you poison a woman with a pair of scissors?

Give her arseanick!

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Edited May 1, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

 

A man goes to see the priest.

 

"Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

 

The Priest asked, "What's wrong?"

 

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

 

The Priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

 

The Priest then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

 

A week later the Priest calls the man and says,

 

"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for about ten minutes, it seemed like ten hours. You want my advice?"

 

The man said yes and the Priest replied, "Take the poison."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[kickstart]

Wife comes home and  goes in the bedroom , her husband  is there, and in a  quiet  voice says,

"John take off  blouse ",

"John take off my skirt",

"John take  off my bra",

"John take off my stockings and  suspenders",

"John take off my  knickers ",

"John, don't let me see you wearing my clothes again ".

[Ron19]

[scottiejohn]