Worst Joke Ever

scottiejohn · May 23, 2017

wpcoe · May 23, 2017

Came across http://www.short-funny.com/bad-jokes.php and thought I'd see how they were regarded here, on the "Worst Joke Ever" thread:

Man to a butcher: "I'd like bull's testicles."
Butcher: "So would I"

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No, I’m a barber.

“I am a master of fast calculations.”
“OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?”
“22!”
"Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
"Might be, but it was fast!”

Where do we get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes now.

One twin to the other: "You are ugly."

Q: What is blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint.

Why are you giving me an apricot?
I heard there’s no way you can get a date.

A crying son runs to his mom: “Mom, mom, (sniff), Grandpa slapped me in the face.”
Grandpa approaches: “Stop lying or I’ll do it again!”

A woman starts chatting to a man on a subway: "Hello, my name is Margaret."
The man replies: "Mine not."

If I were to choose between dating and eating a soup – I think I’d rather eat the soup. Not much point in dating it

Why is the butt divided vertically and not horizontally? It would clap nicely if you ran down the stairs. Ok, now stop imagining it.

scottiejohn · May 23, 2017

scottiejohn · May 23, 2017

1 hour ago, wpcoe said:

Came across http://www.short-funny.com/bad-jokes.php and thought I'd see how they were regarded here, on the "Worst Joke Ever" thread:

riceyummm · May 24, 2017

riceyummm · May 24, 2017

riceyummm · May 24, 2017

Bikeman93 · May 24, 2017

It is said that Native American Indians name a child after the first thing they see when the baby is born.

In that case why are they not all called Placenta?

Rob13 · May 24, 2017

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs <deleted>."

scottiejohn · May 24, 2017

1 hour ago, Bikeman93 said:

It is said that Native American Indians name a child after the first thing they see when the baby is born.

In that case why are they not all called Placenta?

That rings a 'cord'!

nikmar · May 24, 2017

I asked the hardware shop if he had 2 bottkes of methylated spirits.
He said " I know you mate and I know times are hard. Your wife s left you and youve lost your job and on the verge of losing your house. I know that youre an alcoholic and these are for drinking and I cant sell them to you."

I said " Youre wrong. Iam in a bad way but Im not desperate enough to start drinking meths. I m gonna sell me house, but I need to paint it first. I need the meths to clean my brushes. Honest."

He replied "Well, Im not convinced but if youre trying to get on your feet again then I ll sell them to you."

I said "Great. Have you got any cold ones."

Sent from my SM-J700F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

Ron19 · May 24, 2017

Ron19 · May 24, 2017

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous, "says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the <deleted> would they want with a plasterer??!"