Worst Joke Ever

scottiejohn · July 4, 2017

Tennis Pick Up Lines?

Excuse me miss, could you hold my balls while I get my huge racket out of my bag?

"If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in "Love"

If we went out, I think it would forever be Love-Love

Tennis anyone?

I definitely got the balls to be playing with your RACKet!

riceyummm · July 5, 2017

riceyummm · July 5, 2017

scottiejohn · July 5, 2017

scottiejohn · July 5, 2017

owl sees all · July 5, 2017

What's that licking thing the farang do in Pattaya?

Oh dear! My memory is fading . It's on the tip of my tongue.

Yes that's it; cunnilinctus!

scottiejohn · July 5, 2017

3 minutes ago, owl sees all said:

What's that licking thing the farang do in Pattaya?

Oh dear! My memory is fading . It's on the tip of my tongue.

Yes that's it; cunnilinctus!

Oh dear. That was a mouthful!

scottiejohn · July 5, 2017

scottiejohn · July 5, 2017

scottiejohn · July 6, 2017

From the UK Daily Mail today. Top funny shop names in the UK

1 Spruce Springclean, Carpet cleaners, Lostwithiel, Cornwall

2. Surelock Homes, Locksmith, Portsmouth

3. Planet of the Grapes, Wine Bar and Restaurant, London

4. Floral and Hardy, Florists, Hertfordshire

5. A Fish Called Rhondda, Fish and Chip Shop, Pentre, Wales

6. Wright Hassall, Solicitors, Leamington Spa

7. Jean Claude Van Man, Removal Company, Merseyside

8. Sellfridges, White Goods Outlet, Stoke Newington

9. Grate Expectations, Fireplace Specialists, Wimbledon

10. Bonnie Tiler, Tiling and Plumbing, Gateshead

11. Deja Brew, Coffee House, Denton

12. The Chopfather, Barbers, Bristol

13. Barnie's Rubble, DIY Shop, Bolton

14. Facial Attraction, Beauty Salon, Pontypool, Wales

15. Samuel 'L' Jackson, Driving Instructor, Southport

16. Hair Raid Shelter, Hairdressers, Downham Market, Norfork

17. Alan Cartridge, Office Supplies, Leeds

18. Jason Donervan, Kebab Van, Bristol

19. Frying Nemo, Fish and Chips Shop, Yorkshire

20. PG Trips, Bus Charter, Houghton le Spring

fasteddie · July 8, 2017

As a guitar player, I play many gigs. Once, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless person. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a remote cemetery out in the middle of nowhere...

As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.. and my Satnav was no use either.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my acoustic and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

scottiejohn · July 9, 2017

scottiejohn · July 9, 2017

scottiejohn · July 9, 2017

scottiejohn · July 9, 2017

scottiejohn · July 9, 2017

Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place.

He was sacked for the grave mistake?

Why do you want to be buried at sea?

Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.

Man: I want you to bury my wife.

Undertaker: But I buried your wife last year.

Man: Yes, but I remarried.

Undertaker: Oh, congratulations, sir.

I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week.

Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.

scottiejohn · July 9, 2017

fasteddie · July 9, 2017

fasteddie · July 9, 2017

fasteddie · July 9, 2017

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored, in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,..the call went out around the world. Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type, and after some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman:
a new BMW,
a diamond necklace for his wife, and
$100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street Chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He then phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"
To this the Arab replied:
"Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."