Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[kickstart]

Honeymoon hotel ,Saturday night, 3 newly married couples arrive ,and book into there rooms ,have  their evening meal ,and retire to their rooms.

 Now ,the owner of the hotel, was an interfering  old cow , she liked to walk around at night, walked past the first couples room put her ear to the door, herd lots of noises ,and thought they are having fun , same with  the second couples room ,went to the third room ,all quite, listened  again, still all  quite.

Following morning, at breakfast first two couples come down ,the owner said",I was walking around last night,  just checking the fire escapes , walked past your room,everything seemed to be ok" ,the two couples looked at one another and smiled.

Sometime later the third couple comes down , the owner said , "walking around last  night , just checking the windows, walked past your room and everything was all quite , any problems,?" the girl  thought and said "mummy, told me never to speak when my mouth is full."

[scottiejohn]

23 hours ago, riceyummm said:

Do they only play RAP?

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

What do a burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

You wish you had taken it out sooner.

　

What did the gay hair dryer say to the gay fan?

Let's blow each other.

　

What do beer drinkers and people with necrophilia have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

　

Who are the five kings that make people most happy?

Smo-king, drin-king, lic-king, suc-king and <deleted>*-king.

　

What did the butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this sh*t.

　

What goes in pink and hard, and goes out soft and squishy?

A chewing gum.

 

If you are brave what do you call a woman with an opinion?

Wrong!

　

What did the bread say to the toaster to get it hot?

"I want to get inside of you."

　

What do men and floor tiles have in common?

If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family ," said the man.

"To show you how much we care for you, I have made you a 50-50 partner in my business. All I would like you to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you can visit the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day ."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

 

"Easy ," said the young man. "Buy me out."

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You are running around with other women," she charged.

"You are being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You are the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you are doing?" Adam demanded.

 

 

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

A man walks into a Post Office with a imitation shot gun. He rushes to the counter but trips over the mat. He falls on top of his gun and bends it noticably also banging his head below the serving counter. He stands up in front of the teller.

 

"Is this a stck up?" She asks.

 

"No,, it's a <snip> up. First class stamp please love."

Edited October 15, 2017 by owl sees all

[Ron19]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

 

 

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue

wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying

to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

 

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you

like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed

he did.

 

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you

£200. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of

this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

 

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons

and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday

afternoon.

 

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house

at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £200 - they went to

the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

 

Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from

work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by

the house this afternoon?'

 

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did

stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

 

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly

asked, 'And did he give you £200?'

 

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,

in fact he did give me £200.'

 

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife

by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £200 from me.

He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me

back.'

 

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

[CantSpell]

Some parenting statements:

 

1- You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man and throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog...

 

2- Parents of an only child considering have one more, know that i just split an M&M in half

    An M&M..

    In half...

 

3- If my 5 years old asks. Geroges Washington died because he wouldn't eat his broccoli.

     Back me up on this, I don't ask for much.

 

4- Before I had kid's, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar...

 

5- I just ate some half-chewed food my son spit onto his plate.

    Parenting has reduced me to some kind of disgusting bird-man. Don't look at me.

 

6- Dad: You can't just eat pizza and chicken nuggets, you have to try other foods.

    4y old: why? I already had the best.

 

7- Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bite of her dinner and then asked my wife for a snack 6 minutes after the table was cleared..

 

Credit Bored Panda FB.

[owl sees all]

It's the 20th aniversary of a week end I'll never forget.

 

On the Friday I lost my dear old Mum.

 

On Saturday I lost Dad and on Sunday I lost my wife.

 

I was useless at poker in those days.

Edited October 16, 2017 by owl sees all

[fasteddie]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[White Christmas13]

COLIN THE ABORIGINE

 

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

 

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters
from the BBQ and flirting..

 

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.'

 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
Jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the
tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere..
Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

 

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

 

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks.... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

 

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something..
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?

 

Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

 

Colin said,

 

I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Why are pubic hairs so curly?

So that they don't tickle your eyes.

　

Why are girlfriends like condoms?

They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your d*ck.

　

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.

　

What do you call a Chinese rapist?

Rai Ping Yu.

　

What is a quicker way to transfer money out of your account other than electronic banking?

Marriage.

　

"Did you take a bath?"

"Why, Is there one missing?"

　

Teacher - "Are you chewing gum?"

Student - "No, I am John Smith."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.for being "naughty" at the meal table.. [5mins later]

"Da-ad...",

"What?",

"I’m thirsty . Can you bring me a drink of water please Dad?",

"No. You had your chance. Lights out NOW!",

[5mins later]

"Da-aaaad...",

"WHAT?",

"I’m THIRSTY ...Can I have a drink of water please Dad?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!",

[5mins later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD...",

"WHAT NOW??!!",

 

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

Edited October 17, 2017 by riceyummm

[scottiejohn]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through out the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping.

`Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? `

When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

`God Almighty! ` Cried out Mary.

Teacher said, `Very good' 

Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary.

`Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

Yet again Mary did not even stir from hers lumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

`Jesus Christ! `  Mary reacted.

The teacher said, `Very good Mary'

Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.

`What did Eve say to Adam after she had her second child? `

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted,

'Ìf you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I will break it in half!