Here is one for any Sex toy enthusiasts!

A policeman searched me in a Nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs in my pocket.

"It's not my fault. I said. Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically reappear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" The Cop laughed.

I said. "l'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." He smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them down the loo he looked at me and said. "Well. show me your pockets now".

"What for?" I asked.

He said. "The drugs"

 

 

1 said. "What drugs?"

This is "finger licking good"!

 

A little white guy is at a urinal in the men’s room when a big black guy runs in, whips out a massive member and starts doing his business in the urinal next to him.

The black guy says, "Just made it."

The little guy looking at the monster in the  black guy's hands beside him says,

"Can you make me one half that size in white?"

Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried.

His wife said, "What’s the problem?"

He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives."

 

He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills."

Three 10 man crews and their managers were competing for a contract with the telephone company.

In order to select the most qualified, the phone company instructed each crew to go out and see how many telephone poles they could erect in one day.

At the end of the day the Scottish crew reported thirty-five telephone poles had been erected to the phone company official who was obviously impressed. "But until I check with the other teams I will not know if it is good enough to give you the contract yet."

He asked the Irish team manager how many poles they had put in the ground and he said 10.

Being puzzled with the Irish team manager response, compared to the much better Scottish Team Manager one, he contacted the Polish team manager and was told that all his ten poles were all underground;

 

as instructed by the Irish team!

I hope this does not offend anyone who has lost anyone by suicide but here goes;

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder
and screamed,
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said,
“Your finger is broken.”

 

THREE MEN WALK INTO A BAR and the bartender says, 'If you can sit in my basement for a day I'll give you free beer forever.'

So the first man says, 'Easy. I can do that.'

But he walks out after five minutes and says,

'It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.'

So the second man tries his luck, but can't take it for more than 10 minutes.

Finally the third man goes in and comes out a day later.

The others ask him how he did it.

 

 

He said, 'Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the opposite corner!'

A Roman walks into a pub and puts up two fingers and says '5 beers please'

The journalist asked the politician,

"Your assistant said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you like to comment?

"Yes, I would," said the politician.

"The truth is my assistant has a big mouth and cannot focus properly on the job in hand."

A guy walks in on his wife having sex with another man and says,

"what the hell are you two doing?"

His wife turns to her lover and says,

 

 

"I told you he was stupid."

23 hours ago, vogie said:

A Roman walks into a pub and puts up two fingers and says '5 beers please'

I hope they were Churchill's style of 2 fingers and not the rude ones or it would be a case of caveat emptor!

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilised egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election.

You can't always hear the bells .

HOW DO THEY DO IT?

Astronomers do IT in the dark.

Mathematicians do IT in numbers.

Biologists do IT in the field.

Chemists do IT periodically on the table.

Geologists do IT in folded beds.

Palaeontologists do IT in the dirt.

Computer scientists do IT bit by bit.

Electrical engineers do IT until it hertz

Physicists do IT with force.

When seismologists do IT, the Earth shakes.

Zoologists do IT with animals.

Quantum physicists do IT uncertainly.

Polymer chemists do IT in chains.

Cosmologists do IT with a bang.

Theorists do IT on paper.

Geneticists do IT in their genes.

Statisticians do IT with 9996 confidence.

Planetary scientists do IT while gazing at Uranus.

Philosophers only think about doing IT.

 

 

What is IT?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why, science of course. And shame on you if

you thought otherwise.

A drunk staggers down the street and bumps into two priests.

He says, 'Oops, sorry but I'm Jesus Christ.'

The first priest says, 'No, son, you're not.'

So the drunk says the same to the second priest.

The second priest says, 'No, son, you're not.'

The drunk says, 'Look, I can prove it.'

He walks back into the nearest bar with the two priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims,

 

 

'Jesus Christ, you're here again?'